An Accurate Measure of Mental Health ISN'T Lack of Anger
"Feelings are not good or bad in a moral sense. They just are. It is what we do with them that enters the moral sphere. We are accountable for our behaviors. What I have noticed after having lived this long is how often people are ready to instantly condemn you if you feel angry. Anger is one of those emotions considered to be always wrong in many people's estimation. They don't say this outright, but it comes out in how they address you and your anger. You need to get past it. You need to forgive. You need to forget about it. Move on. Etcetera ad nauseum. Never mind that your anger is an appropriate reaction to a gross injustice. Get over it. Why? Because they are uncomfortable with it? How narcissistic of them.
I've talked before about emotions vs. behaviors and how, no matter what our emotions are, we must behave in a moral way. Being angry is not justification for doing wrong by someone else. I am trying to get to something else so I won't go into more detail on this aspect.
What I want to get to is how do you know if you are in a healthy place in your head? How do you know, for yourself, that you are not letting your anger ruin your life?
You have the psychobabblers and do-gooder Christian types clucking their tongues if you happen to show a flash of anger when talking about the narcissist. They immediately assume that you are not progressed yet to a place of 'healing' if, when talking about the evil narcissist and her evil acts perpetrated on your own life (which likely has ongoing effects on your life and is therefore a crime in progress), you dare display your outrage. People are afraid of our anger. Why? One reason is because they are sloppy thinkers. They think that our anger is the problem when the real problem is the monster who inflicts pain every chance they get. Our anger is an appropriate response to their inappropriate behavior. If the tongue-cluckers insist we should not let ourselves feel an appropriate emotion then they are, in reality, insisting we become like the narcissist--pretending our way through life and denying what we feel. I'm not going there for anyone."
The blogger above is right about anger. Denying our feelings is no path to mental health. I know one thing that she talks about which I struggle with is acceptance. In my mind there is a picture of what my family should have been, and of course my adoption possibilities play into this, where I think why didn't I get one ally or person like me. The other day I told my husband, "None of them were like me, how did I get stuck with this bunch!?" The fantasy of them ever saying "We are sorry" or treating me like a human being must be laid to rest. Anger is a natural emotion in response to abuse. There is nothing "wrong" with righteous anger. It is what you do with it that counts.
She is right the people who tell us we are wrong to feel angry are telling us to become like the narcissists and what the narcissists themselves demanded. Perfect smiles, no rocking the boat and giving positive narcissistic supply.
She is right the people who tell us we are wrong to feel angry are telling us to become like the narcissists and what the narcissists themselves demanded. Perfect smiles, no rocking the boat and giving positive narcissistic supply.
Dear Peeps, a woman who used to go to the church that i do, had experienced family issues. i don't know the details, but she was upset with her mom (maybe momma was a mutha). Anyway, several of the other women, i suspect, horned into the woman's business and shamed her for being angry. Peeps, i think they goaded her into saying some angry stuff. She hasn't been back since. Needless to say, i am real careful around them. People from normal fámilies really need to mind their own business, especially about stuff they have no clue about. Anyway, i love your blog, and how to expose greedy people for EXACTLY what they are - worldling ash-kissers.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue, sorry your friend went through that. I'm keeping my mouth shut in the church and not even sure about telling the pastor. I am learning it is better not to say anything. The person who has been forced out of the family is the one most often judged. Lacking a family denotes you to lower status. Sorry they goaded her. They probably treated her like rot. I think some people just can't understand and they are not bad people but there are the bad ones who do use it against people. Thanks for your compliments about my blog--yes wordlings who love to brown nose to their heart's contest.
DeleteI really think you should let go of the fantasy of being adopted too. It really feels like you're trying to avoid facing up to the fact that this IS your family, and there's no get-out from that. I bet adoption fantasy is common for ACONs - I used to fantasise about having 'another family' too - sometimes a mysterious aunt or unknown half-sibling who would suddenly discover me and take me into their life. After my mother died, I used to desperately hope a certain friend of hers would adopt me.
ReplyDeleteThat you're still clinging to it even after you've had it confirmed that you're not adopted makes me feel like it's something you're still working through. You still talk about 'adoption' like it's reality even though your petition disproved it - that need to believe in the fantasy still seems very strong for you. What would happen if you had to accept that no, THESE REALLY ARE OUR PARENTS, that everything that happened to us was done to us by our real parents, the only parents we will ever have?
I still have my suspicions because I don't look like them and the CLINCHER is the genetic LIPEDEMA. No one is diabetic either which I know is not as a strong claim as the Lipedema. Having rare conditions like this is the game changer. Doing the research on this blog, with EVERY other severely obese person I have encountered, there was some history of it in the family. I have a 400lb acquaintance who has 4 sisters who are all overweight and three are over 320lbs.
ReplyDeleteIf you weighed 500lbs and saw these endless THIN people who were even on the thin side for average [bikini weights] you may wonder too. I know many people will wonder but I have wondered since I was a child. I can see why many would fantasize. I was like no one in the family. If they are biologicals it won't change my no contact.
On adoption boards, they do discuss other funny business that can occur. I don't want to get into detail here, but it's not so clear cut that bam, the court has no adoption records, you are theirs! [One can't disprove or prove adultery]
ReplyDeleteI'll give you this, I will have to let it go, because there is really nothing that can be done in research, and already tried to find out what I could. Sometimes we don't get the answers to everything in life. I do know in my heart they are lying to me about something major. Of this I have no doubt.
Delete"I think you should..."
Delete"You're still..."
"It really feels..."
"Makes me feel..."
Hey Anonymous, stop psychologizing Peep and judging her from a position of above. Stop telling her what to do and what to think and how to feel. Stop projecting your crap. Exercise some boundaries and work on yourself you condescending twit!
Here's a study that found only 75% of lymphedema cases are inherited from a parent, while the other 25% are de novo mutations: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1457/ Lipedema seems less well-studied but this page covers a few different family studies, and it seems like anything from 25-50% of patients have family members who also have lipedema...definitely not all. http://omim.org/entry/614103 It seems from the research that a lot of people have de novo cases of lipedema and you could very well be one of them. If you think about it, all genetic diseases have to start with a mutation SOMEWHERE, especially considering that in the past, such diseases were even more of a drawback to survival than they are now - even in cases where it 'runs in the family' your friends might find it runs only a few generations back before you reach the source ancestor who had a de novo mutation.
DeleteYou could very well be right about adultery! So much lying and hiding going on in your family, and adultery is not so rare out there.
I have done other research that says lipedema is also far more genetic and autosomal dominant-that is what the top lipedema researchers say. I could provide links but I belong to 4-5 Lipedema communities on Facebook, and all discuss having relatives with the condition. I have too many health conditions to have several mutations happening at once. Where did the COPD come from when I never smoked? Not one person in the entire family is diabetic too. I know de novo cases of mutation can happen but if you think about my situation, with the multiple health issues, something more is going on. Yes the adultery is possible and who knows what to believe from them?
DeleteAlso I have done a blog on obesity issues for years, and studied severe obesity. Every severely super-fat person has some trouble with obesity in the family that is extreme, not mild. That has genetic components as well.
DeleteOMIM Entry - % 614103 - LIPEDEMA
www.omim.org/.../614103
OMIM : Online Mendelian Inheritance in Man
614103 - LIPEDEMA. ... Child et al. (2010) concluded that autosomal dominant inheritance was the more likely mode of inheritance. REFERENCES ...
Lipedema: an inherited condition.
Am. J. Med. Genet. A
Am J Med Genet A 2010 Apr;152A(4):970-6
Anne H Child, Kristiana D Gordon, Pip Sharpe, Glen Brice, Pia Ostergaard, Steve Jeffery, Peter S Mortimer
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Lipedema is a condition characterized by swelling and enlargement of the lower limbs due to abnormal deposition of subcutaneous fat. Lipedema is an under-recognized condition, often misdiagnosed as lymphedema or dismissed as simple obesity. We present a series of pedigrees and propose that lipedema is a genetic condition with either X-linked dominant inheritance or more likely, autosomal dominant inheritance with sex limitation. Lipedema appears to be a condition almost exclusively affecting females, presumably estrogen-requiring as it usually manifests at puberty. Lipedema is an entity distinct from obesity, but may be wrongly diagnosed as primary obesity, due to clinical overlap. The phenotype suggests a condition distinct from obesity and associated with pain, tenderness, and easy bruising in affected areas.
Affiliation
Department of Cardiac and Vascular Sciences, St. George's, University of London, London, UK. achild@sgul.ac.uk
MeSH Terms
Adult
Aged
Edema/genetics
Edema/pathology
Female
Humans
Inheritance Patterns/genetics
Leg/pathology
Lymphedema/pathology
Male
Middle Aged
Obesity/pathology
Pedigree
Phenotype
Subcutaneous Fat/pathology
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2010Apr
Lipedema: an inherited condition.
Am. J. Med. Genet. A
Am J Med Genet A 2010 Apr;152A(4):970-6
Anne H Child, Kristiana D Gordon, Pip Sharpe, Glen Brice, Pia Ostergaard, Steve Jeffery, Peter S Mortimer
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Lipedema: an inherited condition.
http://www.pubfacts.com/detail/20358611/Lipedema:-an-inherited-condition.
One of your links above is the same OMIM page I read; the only studies it cites that mention family incidence are one that says 4 out of 9 patients had family members with lipedema (that's under 50%) and one that says only 16% of patients had a family history of lipedema. That it's autosomal dominant doesn't mean there's always a family HISTORY - the mutation always has to start somewhere. It just means if you had children, they'd have a 50% chance of inheriting the dominant gene that causes lipedema.
DeleteI mean, think about it...however you came to be born, you had parents who were healthy enough to have a child, and whose own parents were healthy enough to have a child. You KNOW that something makes you different from every one of your ancestors - hence, a de novo mutation seems plausible.
COPD isn't just caused by smoking - it's a fairly common condition, with some states having over 10% COPD prevalence. It's often comorbid with diabetes. It has multiple causes, including smoking/other environmental conditions and in some cases there's a genetic cause (eg. alpha-1 antitripsin deficiency). If your diabetes is linked to your lipedema...it's really not that strange that you have both lipedema and COPD.
Thank you Lisette. I am tired of being judged and having people tell me from on high what I should do think and feel. I got that enough from the narcs who devalued everything!
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