Monday, May 28, 2012
One Day at A Time?
I am trying to think about different answers, how does one fix all this? I am pondering now some answers.
What if feel like you are caught up in a whirlwind that is making you literally sick,and it's like a spiral? What if you know stress and poverty to start with, caused your body to say "I am out of here", and now it's back and seems to be never ending? Having that deer in the headlights feeling again is no fun.
I think stress is aggravating both me and husband's illness. He got sick again this week. Whenever he has to work a lot on his freelance work, he is taking ill. He is older then me so some of you probably can perhaps catch a whiff of what I am hinting at regarding the future or what could happen to either of us. When you care about someone you worry about them!
The money stresses are getting bad. The tax rate for someone who does independent work, even a underemployed freelancer, is 20%, they do not care if you are dirt poor and using food pantries. They do not care if you have a disabled wife on a very small check. I kid you not. This 20% has been adding up every year. While rich people get giant tax refunds, our hole gets deeper and deeper. There is no money to save, no expendable income. I am wiping away most of my disability check on the rent alone. We are feeling tsunamis from every direction.
We try to have a positive attitude and keep going, and husband says "DO NOT GIVE UP" but sometimes I feel like the modern American life has just become a PILE ON. Like is anyone else saying, "hey something is wrong with this system!" My mind is full of fantasties about escape, but the body is more of a prison then super-max could ever dream of being. I've lost around 75lbs in 6 years but that is so slow as to be meaningless and is a teaspoon to a full cup of fat coffee. Does anyone else feel this way? I know reading some websites, about the real unemployment rate, that others are in this boat, but it doesn't make it easier when you seem to live in a society that does not admit what is happening on the front end.
One does not want to drive friends crazy with too many complaints. My friends are great and don't want to add stress to them. Many have heard this stuff before and a few of them are LIVING IT. What if you feel like you failed BIG TIME despite endless efforts? What if you feel trapped in a life of Ground Hog Day where the bad stuff repeats itself over and over? What do the strong and resiliant do? What is their secret? Stiff upper lip or letting things go? Anyone got any advice out there.
I do not think waking up every morning with a feeling of self recrimination is helping my life, but I am not sure how to fix it. We put up ebay to see it unsold, he sends out job applications to see them unanswered. I exercise as much as I am able, eat healthy, and see no results. Closed doors, closed dreams. I found myself thinking if only he got this simple clerk job, things could at least be stable, even way below his education, and well, he never heard anything back.
Age is wearing upon me lately even more then the extra pounds and lately I am feeling extreme stress and grief on so many fronts, past a certain age, you know the therapists and others can only say so much. You can't get your youth back or years lost to illness. One secret of growing old is they do not tell people how hard it can be. I go pray and get some comfort and have hope in the hereafter. I do not want to be the stereoptypical severely fat woman, crying copious tears as an object of pity to the world. I would rather be of service to this world rather then buried in bills I can never pay and medical stuff, that now seems to be moving beyond my knowledge. I want to do good for other people.
Life has become a fearful enterprise of worrying about the car breaking down, and other problems and then I have the medication fracas to fix on top of it all. I think to myself life was supposed to be more then just alternating of DRUDGE AND FEAR. I have hobbies, I have friends, I have God, and lately I am telling God, "I am tired, and this needs to get better." Can a new life be found? Is this a call to revamp everything? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? Can I do something different? These are things running through my mind.
Is this modern American life? Why is this considered OK? I do have volunteer work and happy times with friends, and have those periods of happiness such a visit with one of my best college friends, and going to brunch with another friend who treated me but I return everytime to the creaking and breaking foundations of my life, which seems to rest on a precipe of total ruin. Perhaps this has become a norm in a failing economic system. Perhaps I need to just deal with it and say OK, you are alright for TODAY. The recovery movement "TAKE ONE DAY at a TIME" message does serve a purpose.
I think about answers that range from cheaper rent, to downgrading, but there is no budgeting of "zero", when you have health problems that mean you need air conditioning to stay alive even, there's less room to move into a shack. I know some people in my position with a kindly aunt or cousin with a spare room would probably jump on that but when one is disabled, the game changes. Of course if we can hold on, we have to do that and stand on our own feet as much is possible.
I wish I could tell my husband's last two employers, "look what you did to our life, you ruined it!" but they probably would not care. I am not sure of the answers. The stress levels need to come down. Today I understand why some people just sell everything off, and hit the road, or run away to join that intentional community. I would consider it seriously with better health. I may even consider a different lifestyle while in bad health. Maybe I am nuts or maybe I am seeing the holes in the modern American lifestyle. One wants one's life to have meaning beyond just survival. I feel unable even to do for others as I desire. It is a frustrating place to be. And my husband, I am worried about him too.
I cleaned out a closet yesterday, I am having us clean our apartment out increment by increment. If anything happens it will make it easier to deal with. I saw some of my old art work, when I was studying art education, and one thing, back then I realized was the idealism, the HOPE I had towards life, and the good I did via the art when I taught it and how much fun I had drawing and painting. It's good I did not know what awaited back then, but I miss that aspect of myself and need to get more of it back.
I seriously do wonder how long I have, when you are 500lbs you know you are dealing with less time. I hope those who care about me, know I never chose this. I did not want this all to happen the way it did. I wish I could figure out what I want to do with the time I got left. I want it to mean more then struggle. Perhaps I need to just stop fighting the river and go with the flow. I am not sure. I want to have a life with meaning, and of some use. Something needs to change. I hope it is not too late for me, I am praying to God asking "What do I do now?".