Monday, May 28, 2012

One Day at A Time?

I am trying to think about different answers, how does one fix all this? I am pondering now some answers.

What if feel like you are caught up in a whirlwind that is making you literally sick,and it's like a spiral? What if you know stress and poverty to start with, caused your body to say "I am out of here", and now it's back and seems to be never ending? Having that deer in the headlights feeling again is no fun.

I think stress is aggravating both me and husband's illness. He got sick again this week. Whenever he has to work a lot on his freelance work, he is taking ill. He is older then me so some of you probably can perhaps catch a whiff of what I am hinting at regarding the future or what could happen to either of us. When you care about someone you worry about them!

The money stresses are getting bad. The tax rate for someone who does independent work, even a underemployed freelancer, is 20%, they do not care if you are dirt poor and using food pantries. They do not care if you have a disabled wife on a very small check. I kid you not. This 20% has been adding up every year. While rich people get giant tax refunds, our hole gets deeper and deeper. There is no money to save, no expendable income. I am wiping away most of my disability check on the rent alone. We are feeling tsunamis from every direction.

We try to have a positive attitude and keep going, and husband says "DO NOT GIVE UP" but sometimes I feel like the modern American life has just become a PILE ON. Like is anyone else saying, "hey something is wrong with this system!" My mind is full of fantasties about escape, but the body is more of a prison then super-max could ever dream of being. I've lost around 75lbs in 6 years but that is so slow as to be meaningless and is a teaspoon to a full cup of fat coffee. Does anyone else feel this way? I know reading some websites, about the real unemployment rate, that others are in this boat, but it doesn't make it easier when you seem to live in a society that does not admit what is happening on the front end.

One does not want to drive friends crazy with too many complaints. My friends are great and don't want to add stress to them. Many have heard this stuff before and a few of them are LIVING IT. What if you feel like you failed BIG TIME despite endless efforts? What if you feel trapped in a life of Ground Hog Day where the bad stuff repeats itself over and over? What do the strong and resiliant do? What is their secret? Stiff upper lip or letting things go? Anyone got any advice out there.

I do not think waking up every morning with a feeling of self recrimination is helping my life, but I am not sure how to fix it. We put up ebay to see it unsold, he sends out job applications to see them unanswered. I exercise as much as I am able, eat healthy, and see no results. Closed doors, closed dreams. I found myself thinking if only he got this simple clerk job, things could at least be stable, even way below his education, and well, he never heard anything back.

 Age is wearing upon me lately even more then the extra pounds and lately I am feeling extreme stress and grief on so many fronts, past a certain age, you know the therapists and others can only say so much. You can't get your youth back or years lost to illness. One secret of growing old is they do not tell people how hard it can be. I go pray and get some comfort and have hope in the hereafter.  I do not want to be the stereoptypical severely fat woman, crying copious tears as an object of pity to the world. I would rather be of service to this world rather then buried in bills I can never pay and medical stuff, that now seems to be moving beyond my knowledge. I want to do good for other people.

Life has become a fearful enterprise of worrying about the car breaking down, and other problems and then I have the medication fracas to fix on top of it all. I think to myself life was supposed to be more then just alternating of DRUDGE AND FEAR. I have hobbies, I have friends, I have God, and lately I am telling God, "I am tired, and this needs to get better."  Can a new life be found? Is this a call to revamp everything? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? Can I do something different? These are things running through my mind.

Is this modern American life? Why is this considered OK? I do have volunteer work and happy times with friends, and have those periods of happiness such a visit with one of my best college friends, and going to brunch with another friend who treated me but I return everytime to the creaking and breaking foundations of my life, which seems to rest on a precipe of total ruin. Perhaps this has become a norm in a failing economic system.  Perhaps I need to just deal with it and say OK, you are alright for TODAY. The recovery movement "TAKE ONE DAY at a TIME" message does serve a purpose.

I think about answers that range from cheaper rent, to downgrading, but there is no budgeting of "zero", when you have health problems that mean you need air conditioning to stay alive even, there's less room to move into a shack. I know some people in my position with a kindly aunt or cousin with a spare room would probably jump on that but when one is disabled, the game changes. Of course if we can hold on, we have to do that and stand on our own feet as much is possible.

I wish I could tell my husband's last two employers, "look what you did to our life, you ruined it!" but they probably would not care. I am not sure of the answers. The stress levels need to come down. Today I understand why some people just sell everything off, and hit the road, or run away to join that intentional community.  I would consider it seriously with better health. I may even consider a different lifestyle while in bad health. Maybe I am nuts or maybe I am seeing the holes in the modern American lifestyle. One wants one's life to have meaning beyond just survival. I feel unable even to do for others as I desire. It is a frustrating place to be. And my husband, I am worried about him too.

I cleaned out a closet yesterday, I am having us clean our apartment out increment by increment. If anything happens it will make it easier to deal with. I saw some of my old art work, when I was studying art education, and one thing, back then I realized was the idealism, the HOPE I had towards life, and the good I did via the art when I taught it and how much fun I had drawing and painting. It's good I did not know what awaited back then, but I miss that aspect of myself and need to get more of it back.

I seriously do wonder how long I have, when you are 500lbs you know you are dealing with less time. I hope those who care about me, know I never chose this. I did not want this all to happen the way it did. I wish I could figure out what I want to do with the time I got left. I want it to mean more then struggle.  Perhaps I need to just stop fighting the river and go with the flow. I am not sure. I want to have a life with meaning, and of some use. Something needs to change. I hope it is not too late for me, I am praying to God asking "What do I do now?".


  1. Oh my dear lady I feel a great sadness at reading this. Whilst not in the exact circumstances, I am very big at over 600 Ilbs. I suffer many health issues that are life limiting and have the stress and anxieties you do. I am 48 years old soon and I also wonder how long I have. I don't want to die. I am terrified. I nearly passed away in January this year, however doctors saved me, not once but three times. I needed to lose weight. I did 26 kg of it. But now have regained it plus I seem to be hungry all the time and can't stop eating. It is killing me. I feel that I am in a spiral to no where good. I am not as articulate as you at saying what is going on, but truly for the most part it could have been me speaking. Thanks for sharing and giving me some perspective. Hugs

  2. I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I want you to know that I enjoy your blog and value you as a person. Wish I had some answers for you, but I can only offer my sincere respect and acknowledgment of your difficulties.

  3. Hi Jan, thanks for your words they mean a lot. I am sorry you are dealing with severe obesity too, and we are close in age, I am 43. I know I am terrified of dying too. That last doctor meant well, but I am scared of terrible side affects, I had the trauma of going deaf within 2 days, and well probably already had the Meniere's going too, but they said a IV antibiotic may have shut down the hearing. If I find out the blindness is not a true side affect, I may go on that medication, need to ask around and research.I did ask him if severe stress could have made the heart stuff worse. I had another fall that was so bad, I did not write about it here, rolling around on the floor of a restaurant needing 3-4 men help me up, he said yes.

    I almost died too, of infections around 10 years ago so understand what it is to face death and it is beyond terrible. I am glad the doctors saved you. I deal with the hunger, and think "stupid body" when hunger pain hits, and have this weird hate relationship with food lately begrudingly eating a lot of time because of the digestive issues. So understand that, you think why are you hungry
    "betrayer" thinking of your own body. I have tried to go off all carbs but actually increased sugars, though I have an informal no white flour rule, I am not always able to adhere to it very well though I am good about the no sugar thing. I feel like I am in a spiral too. I think that doctor meant well but was scared by side affects but told him I would research a bit more and could make decision later to transfer things. I am scared of death too. This is one reason I am so unhappy, because I feel even the financial and other things are preventing things I want to do before the end comes, if that makes sense to anyone. I feel for anyone who is suffering from severe obesity. Why don't they have hospitals to put us in to help get weight off? Maybe it does not work, like they would feed us salad and good stuff all day long and we would stay fat. This is the illness from hell, no doubt of that. I have even pondered the years of trauma and fear and what my own body has done to me, and how horrible it has been. I know I am even wistfully look at thin and average people thinking, if only I could have been you what could I have achieved or done with my life? I will pray for you too and have to find a way to deal with this stress and immense sadness I am now carrying too.

  4. Thank you Karen for your words too.

    I am glad you enjoy this blog and thanks for your kind words, encouragement and compliments.

  5. This makes me so sad to read. I really enjoy your writing and your insights, and I pray you find peace.


  6. I don't know you but I will tell you that many people are unable to respectfully disagree with others, especially online. Our earlier exchange brightened my day and outlook and I respect you for it. Also, from reading some of your blog, you are obviously intelligent and insightful. Despite your life challenges you have maintained those wonderful qualities- even a bad economy and health issues couldn't take that away from you.

    One day at a time is the way I live my life, too.

    Keep on, Peep!

  7. Thanks Angela.

    I am hoping I can find peace too. I am assessing things now, trying to make medical decisions, maybe sitting back for a time trying to figure out what to do. Thanks for your encouragement. :)

  8. Thanks Averyl, hey I appreciate it, I respect people I can talk to as well even if we do not agree on everything but can keep it respectful and yes you are right that can be rarer online. LOL

    Thanks for your compliments and encouragement. I appreciate it a lot too :)

  9. Your husband is right, you should never give up. I hear you talking like your getting so old and there's no hope and I'm thinking you're ONLY 43!. That is still so young and there's time to turn your life around. I hear you say that no carb didn't work for you because it made you feel ill and your sugars go up but I see it differently. I see proof that it does work for you. When you saw the higher sugars from the diet what you were really seeing is the effect on your insulin levels going DOWN. That is wonderful news that you can lower your insulin through diet. Lowering insulin would be a huge step in taking control of your health. Insulin affects everything. But don't go NO carb, I don't know if I've ever explained what I mean by "low carb" but anywhere between 50-100g of carbs per day is what I mean. If you start there you may see slightly higher blood sugars but that will work itself out as insulin sensitivity increases and the body can more efficiently clear the blood of sugars with LESS insulin. I know how hard it is with money issues and trying to eat right and all the other worries. Don't know if you like the Grateful Dead but whenever I'm really depressed about life and stuff in general I like to listen to Touch of Grey and it makes me feel better, haha. :)

  10. Hi Kate,

    I believe limiting the carbs will definitely help. I do not want to sink too low and want to keep them complex, but yes I could do 50-100. There are days I probably am quite close to that now. Thanks for telling me about the sugars. I focus on more and more vegetables and the lean meats. Thanks for understnading the money concerns.

    That is good you see me as "young", LOL I guess because of some of the heart issues, I see myself as "older" hard to explain but with one I was able to have improvement from 2008, so why not again

    I do not know much about Grateful Dead, yeah I go to my art stuff and stamps too, when I am depressed. I am listening to more music, but perfer older stuff. Husband introduced me to Wally Tax this weekend. :)

  11. 75 pounds in 6 years is a major achievement.That is like loosing a 5th grader that you have had to carry around each and every moment of the day. Just keep going!

  12. Thanks anon.

    Actually I was close to needing oxygen in 2008, I think that 75lb loss actually bought the last 4 years for me.

    Thanks :)

    1. It might help if you could stop for a minute when you are overwhelmed with worry and think of something you can be thankful for that day. Stress and depression can suck you into such hopelessness that it is hard to climb out of. I've never been obese but have felt the same hopelessness in the past.Slowly things worked out for me.

  13. Thanks Anon, I'll think on that. I am praying and seeking after small joys in life to keep myself going.