Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Anger of Severe Obesity

I felt heavily annoyed when I got on a scale and figured out, where the weight was at.

I was getting my knee looked at the doctor's, thank God I can almost walk normally now, and noticed the scale only went up to 500lbs but hopped on hoping to get happier news. I leaned a couple fingers on the table, and it flashed 506, but who knows?  I was 520 around 4 months ago. I thought finally I would see a number with 4 in front of it, for once in my life.  

Most scales when you are severely obese never work anyway. I would say I have encountered only TWO scales in my entire life, that did any proper weighing, one at Weight Watchers and this endocrinologist's with a 700lb limit and wide standing area.

I had been...

more active...[one of the reasons my knee went all kafooey beyond the fall....

eaten less food due to the combined factors of economic and abdominal distress

eaten less food due to allergy problems growing worse

taking all my thyroid pills and other medications

eaten salad and apples for snacks.. [other continued dietary tweaking--I boil even chicken sausages to get the fat off]

and well here I sit. Still fatter then crazy.

I sometimes wonder about the severe effects that the condemnation and horrors of severe obesity has done to me. Sometimes I feel like I will go mad between what I am TOLD, and what the body does. It's like I am expected to believe lies when the reality I live is so different. I found myself in a fit of pique telling my husband, "It's a load of hooey, all this eating affects weight thing, MAYBE they really have nothing to do with each other!"

Yesterday, I got hungry, and because I was away at a meeting from home and away from all food, and even had prepared with a snack, a salad of dark greens with a little meat on it, I sat there, with the hunger pains rumbling through me, and felt like my body was "the enemy".What could I do? For years I have trained myself to "take the hunger" and eat if forced to if the blood sugar is really taking a nose dive, but that has not mattered one ounce either.

Everyone who is fat will admit that when pressed, even if size acceptance wants us to be happy and fat, that having a body that does nothing you tell it to do makes you hopping mad! I never have been in "control" of this body.  Why do people think body control is a given? It does what it wants. Sometimes I feel like my own body MOCKS me. Like the Nelson of the Simpsons going "HA HA!" you think you can do anything about it?"

I tell myself be happy, don't be angry. But it's hard when they always put it in your face. This is going back to my voicelessness theme on this blog.  I feel even more irritated at the grocery store, watching thin people with bags of M&Ms, sugar water-faux juice and bag after bag of potato chips in their grocery carts, then I saw this fat woman, she had salad in hers.

Oh I did get the "your weight is crushing your cartilage of your knees" speech though there is no permanent damage from the doctor but found myself thinking,

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

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