Monday, November 30, 2015

Are you an ACON Artist?



It was great to see Ollie address ACON artists.  Art saved my life. It kept me going from my teens to my twenties to today. Even when I am outside, I imagine art projects all the time. Photography as you all know is a new interest. I definitely need more tech training in it and am limited to a digital camera that was a gift, but I do what I can. The comic project continues too.

A Fat Artist

My DIY Art Shows

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Breaking the Chains of The Narcissist Family's Lies and False Expectations.

 
 
 
There is one insidious the way, narcissists damage us.  Narcissists abuse us with their endless expectations especially if we are dealing with high achieving narcissists. They lead us to set up false expectations about life, and if life does not measure up, then we can be thrown into severe depression.  Part of healing is dealing with reality and the way things really ARE, not the way we want them to be. Part of the healing process is tossing out their LIES ABOUT LIFE.
 
The other day the revelation came to me, that it was insanity for my family to expect a woman with serious Aspergers and severe physical disabilities to achieve their same upper middle class lifestyles. This was completely utter stupid cruelty.
 
 
"One of the most frequent themes of rumination that I see in patients suffering from depression is a gap between who they feel they should be, and how they actually experience themselves. This discrepancy leads to painful self-attack, which can eventually become emotionally deadening."
 
Coming out of this stuff, is finally getting rid of a lot of my depression. It's like I am FINALLY getting an OBJECTIVE view of my life replacing REALITY with the LIES they told me.
 

What are some of those LIES?
 
The false judgments on me as a person
 
The refusing to see my circumstances
 
Telling me I'd never get married
 
The upper middle class assumptions and prejudices.
 
Their views of people who have less as lesser. Even if I never personally judged the poor myself and always had compassion for them, their judgments of the poor became part of how I saw myself. My husband always worked hard. I worked hard before I got sick.
 
The belief in the system and in selling out to it.
 
This includes believing the politicians, belief in globalist wars, belief in "some animals are more equal than others" if you understand my Animal Farm references.
 
The belief that bad things happen to bad people which has actually taken over far too many Christian churches as a whole but that will take a whole other article.
 
The belief that only success counts.
 
The belief in competition at all costs. This is one reason families are breaking up in the USA, they are competing with each other. There's no more semblance of a families who stand by each other.  Do we need more proof that Americans have become a hardened crazed nation then to glance at the possibility of Trump being president?
 
I think of how all the LIEs have HURT ME and hurt me bad.
 
The other day I thought someone as disabled as me did deserve some care and help. I have met people with disabilities like my own even SINGLE ones like Aspergers who had families who cared for and helped them. They did not throw them away or call them a loser. They knew they had challenges to face the rest did not share. I think of young me even gasping for breathe and gaining weight I did not want, facing so much utter pain and fatigue and never one ounce of mercy and I came to the conclusion, "These were people are/were evil. It wasn't you! It wasn't you!"
 
I  needed to have a bowl of hot soup given to me, a pat on the back, medical help, and to be told "We will be here for you if you need us". If strangers and professionals can give me the soup, the smile and tell me "You deserve care". Why couldn't my family?
 
Since I have been busy taking out the narcissistic trash in my life, all of the people who are gone now, had no empathy towards health and money challenges, I felt relief. I do not feel alone, I feel more RELAXED. I feel HAPPIER. I feel some semblance of a light ahead and a breaking up for YEARS of depression.
 
I think about how the heavy expectations weighed on me, and how the expectations themselves were BASED on LIES.
 
There seems to be a growing expectation that we should be able to secure the perfect spouse, the perfect career, the perfect home, engineer the perfect children, and so forth to be happy and if that doesn't happen according to our plans then something is wrong that needs fixing. While we all likely believe that we should have high expectations for ourselves I wonder if unrealistically high expectations are counterproductive and destructive.

Maybe Hollywood is to blame. Perhaps watching the lives and fortunes of the rich and famous influence our views of what kind of life we should expect. For example, are we likely to feel better or worse about our lives after watching the Academy Awards later this week?  Perhaps our increasingly self centered and narcissistic culture plays a role too. If it's all about me (i.e., my needs, my pleasures, my success) then we may never secure what we feel we deserve and are entitled to. So many people seem to have unrealistic expectations of what they can expect from a spouse, a career, their children, and life in general. They want it all and they want it all perfect.
 
After reading this article I thought, Why not just be happy with WHAT I HAVE and stop listening to those who have chained me up with the chains of their narcissistic and perfectionistic codes? Poverty still stinks, but I am done blaming myself for being low on money. I believe perfectionism is a poison used by narcissists to destroy so many. Both of my parents would brag about how they were both perfectionists and that it was a positive on their life. All I saw it leading to was people who were never satisfied with anything. Even though both parents were far wealthier then me and lived easier lives, they never were good enough. I remember my father being angry he only made over 6 figures a year and not a million. My mother was never happy either. She constantly cleaned and redecorated. Seriously. It was crazy.
 
The unrealistically high expectations that the article refers to are indeed destructive as hell.
When my parents expected a young woman with Aspergers who had severe physical disabilities to make 6 figures too, they entered the realm of insanity. They left reality far behind and they took me along on their crazy tour. I was lied to about myself, about my life and even about what reality was. My view of myself and my life was put before an insanity mirror of "you can have it all" and that to be a success, I had to fulfill these endless tenets. Don't forget she even showed up at my blog to call me a "loser". Who does that? It's insane.

It is so cruel how I was set up. My health was destroyed. They almost succeeded in totally breaking me and destroying my mental health and then they kicked me in the face for not "succeeding" and not "doing" enough.

The illusions are being vanquished, and it is taking time here, but I have worked through these things step by step.
 

This is a major one I am facing now. I was TOTALLY LIED to and under severe pressures. I have realized most people who were sick and as Aspie as me were taken care of by their families, some even for their entire lives. I had a friend once tell me, that even me becoming an art teacher in the shape I was in was rare and extreme. For a person who was sick most of my life, early on, I worked hard to stay alive. Facing reality is where forgiveness of myself lies. Facing reality is where even understanding and admitting truth about loved ones lies too.
 
My mother was cruel to my husband, putting him down for being laid off from and losing his jobs. She ignored reality in her cruelties. She ignored the economy. He got older, he was a caretaker for years to a severely disabled woman who almost died multiple times especially early in our marriage. Our marriage was vastly improved when I was listening to litanies of my husband's shortcomings by people who had no understanding what he faced.
 
This was their prison and prison bars. Their lies about REALITY and their prison bullwhip, can and cat-on-nine tails to whip me into submission. "You are a loser!" "You aren't good enough!" etc etc. All based in their Disneyland fantasy view of the world and love for the system.  Accepting reality is what is needed. For many ACONs we suffer under the lash of the narcissist's delusional worlds.
 
Once we see reality, we can relax and no longer beat the crap out of ourselves, just like the narcissists loved to watch us do. We do without or innovate. We do what we can do and realize that is all we can do. We know we do not control everything and that many things happen beyond our control. We do not live in constant fear feeling that we have angered and disappointed these narcissistic overlords. We make our own choices, and live life for what we deem is important and see ourselves as normal people in a world that is not easy. A world that many times can be difficult. We understand and acknowledge that many live under severe oppression, many who are judged and exploited by the system.
 
I've been beating head on wall too long. No pressures to fulfill long lists or to dos or measuring up. Come on in this body even them judging me by the rules of their psycho contest made them literally insane. Now I can be free of this garbage and deal with reality and be more prepared to deal with life. It has changed my view of myself and allowed for more self-love and care to come in the door.
.

They Left Me First!

The above snip is from my no contact letter to my mother.

A close friend of mine, has told me, "Your family left you far before you left them". And it's true. They left me eons ago.  As a child I was left, abandoned and neglected. As an adult, they would have me in the room with them but they were never there for me in any real way.

Sadly so many of us try to have a family but there is really not one there. We have a family in our imaginations that really does not exist.  NC will progress even after a few years into it, as some of these realizations come to light. My last vestiges of guilt over being no contact evaporated with this revelation. When I visited years ago, I was not wanted. Duty, obligation and control are the only reasons I was merely tolerated for the short and sporadic visits that I made to them. It was sad for years I was NOT wanted. Having people ignore you chips away at your soul while you are stuck in the fog of pretending they are a "family" or that they love you.

 
 
This is a snippet of a no-contact letter to an aunt

I think of the many events:

1. "You're Not Invited!" Invitations for me were short in supply which tripled teenage angst when it came to any rejections. Their hatred seeped into my bones. There was one time as a teen when I was lonely, my mother screamed at me she didn't want me going to the bowling alley with her and told me to "get my own friends". Once my mother invited my sister, two aunts, and other cousins, and nieces and nephews to go shopping in Chicago and to lunch. I was left out. There was no idea of renting me a scooter or wheelchair if they were concerned about my mobility. Perhaps I would have still said "No", but the offer was never on the table. They would go out for meals I never heard about until it was too late. Even last year for one family party, which my mother was not going to, one relative told another, "Peep doesn't want to come." without consulting me. We can guess who set that up! I probably didn't have money to go anyhow. There were at least 10 other family events over a series of years where she invited the entire family to dinner or had parties of co-workers and other relatives mixed together where I was no invited or found out about the party from another relative by accident.

 For one party in 2003, I showed up uninvited, there were lavish plates of food laid out on several tables all over and at least 60 people including several of my mothers co-workers and friends I never have met. My mother totally ignored me and did not say one word to me while I was there. Our only contact was when she gave me a vicious look as I stepped over the threshold.  One weird event was meeting this one lady who told me she had been diagnosed with Cushings, and this was during the time I had just been diagnosed with pseudo-Cushings. Isn't it odd my mother befriended other fat people?

This is a snippet of my no contact letter to my sister

2. "Drive By Ignorings" I live one mile off the highway, my mother has to drive 150 more miles to get to my sister's house and vice versa. I could go two years without seeing my nieces and nephews asking my sister to stop by and she would say "No". In fact this happened the week, I went no contact with her for good. It provided the catalyst for me to cut ties and to say why. She told me later in an email, "I was considering the best interests of my children", like she was going to show up to find me raving drunk or smoking a crack pipe. The fact that I was kept away from her children purposefully definitely came to my attention.

My mother who never stays home, drove by my apartment building constantly. I got two visits from my sister in 8 years where she stayed for 10 minutes, nose up in the air, looking around my apartment with a haughty air. I went to go visit my sister for a week in 2003, staying in a hotel which would amount to most of the contact I had with the nieces and nephews for life. Two hadn't been born yet and I am basically a stranger to the twins.

Another snippet of the no contact letter to my other.

It was obvious my GC sister did not want me there. Thank God I was staying in a hotel.  I'd do something like merely touch the counter, and she would bring a cloth immediately to wipe it as if I had cooties to share. The crazed neat freakery scared me, she actually had raised things a notch over my mother and she ordered her children to wipe and dry out the sink in the bathroom after every use.

My mother ignored me too. It occurred to me it was unfair that someone as sick as me who needed home health  and nursing care who was homebound at least 5-6 months of the year, was the one who had to visit her. No one ever came my way. My husband would drive, and bundle me up in the car, do the caretaking and take care of business here but the visits were painful and hard. No one was giving me a place to lie down. I often got leg infections or ill while visiting. The last two times I projectile vomited so hard, it scared me.

I saw her twice at this apartment in 8 years before I went no contact. She was always on the way from somewhere else where my home was "on the way". It was never a visit where visiting me or my husband was the main event. One time it was my birthday and I felt lonely having just moved and still in the fog and begged her to come. She was visiting someone in a town north of me and was driving by anyhow and stayed for an hour. The other time was the Christmas present drop-off where she walked in and dumped presents and walked out, refusing to even stay to talk.

It bothered me for years, that they never would visit. In some ways I was relieved of course, no cleaning and stress but the rejection stood out. It felt weird. Other people saw family members who were further flung. Other people had their families as part of their lives. I wondered what was wrong with me?  For years when I lived in my more remote rural town--they had to drive by a highway 25 miles from my house 100 more miles to get to my mother's out of state relatives, I let them use the excuse of "You are too far out of the way". Moving to a resort town right on the main drag didn't change anything for me.

My mother by the way, would visit Aunt Scapegoat each and every month, to check on her. She never missed a day of hers in the hospital.  Aunt Scapegoat lived double the distance from her.

3. "The Coldest Time of the Year". They choose the annual family gathering to be the third week of December, the week before Christmas which was always too cold, for me to travel or see anyone. This was why I did not see most of these relatives for now what has become a ten year duration. One year I asked if they could hold it earlier, right after Thanksgiving and was turned down flat. No one cared that I wasn't making it to these gatherings. After all I didn't have money for tons of presents to hand out to everyone like my mother. So my mother was picking the date along with Aunt Denial and making sure I was kept well enough away.

In my final NC letter I pointed this out. I was purposefully being kept away. When I lived in my rural town, there was a route one could take close to my town to see the out of state relatives, but I was never offered any rides. I made the mistake once of talking her into it. That was the 2005 visit, the last time I saw the out of state relatives that my mother has seen at least monthly for years.

Response from Aunt, she took 6 months to see my PM. I didn't believe her. Pictures had been posted on a social website repeatedly.

4. "We Are Too Busy" I heard that from many of them all the time. Emails would be ignored for months. Phone calls and phone messages not returned. Some I would approach and be sloughed off immediately. There was very little time given, even long distance.

 There is a level where people are really busy and will talk to you later, I get busy and behind too. But when people tell you over and over, "We are too busy", that means they do not like you and don't really want to talk to you. The me of today, doesn't go where I'm not wanted, and well I was not wanted in the family long, long ago. They threw me away long ago.

It makes me sad today how I scrambled for their crumbs. I was set up to be so needy, lacking love and any care or attention it is a sock in the gut. This is why I was so desperate. There are times we have to face reality and see what IS.  It's so sad, how I tried so hard for years.  One relief for me over these last few years of no contact has been not having to try anymore and putting work into the investment of empty relationships. It is a relief, my energy needs invested in taking care of myself and others who are actually part of my life.

It was true, they had LEFT ME FIRST. I spent years, trying to win love and affection from people who had none for me and who took me for granted and didn't care if I lived or die. I believe when an ACON makes the decision to go no contact, that most often the "no contact" in the way that matters has always been there. They checked out first and lacked true connection. Our going "no contact" just really underlines what has already happened. They left me first! They left you when they didn't love you.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving



Happy Thanksgiving to my readers! For ACONs, I am thinking of you during holidays too which I know can be tougher. I'll be back for more posting tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Generation X: The Scapegoat Generation is Dying Young







Age 45-54 is now Generation X.

Generation X is dying young...The above study spoken about in the above videos makes it clear.

The death rates for our group are rising. Yesterday's "slackers" are kicking the bucket far faster then their parents.

Some articles blame the drugs, and AIDS.  These are window covering issues. The power that be outside a few alternative media outlets are hiding the real issue which is the dying economy and changed life-styles. NAFTA and other trade deals like it have changed life in America and are stripping things down.  Other races and minority groups have greatly suffered themselves with higher death rates for decades so this study concerns mostly white people. It's obvious the economy has kicked Generation X in the face. There's a reason that Baby Boomers have 47 times the wealth. 

Being 47 years old, I have noticed my friends have died far younger and been more sick, then my parent's generation. None of us expect to live as long. One friend died at 46, one man at 55, another in his 50s, my husband's best friend died at 39 and this doesn't include the people who are already disabled. Generation X is not living as long as the Baby Boom generation. Why not? Our parent's generation had a far more economically stable life. They had more access to medical care. They had more secure lives. They had stable families that stuck by them, who did not abandon them or constantly move away. My mother has never faced want or loneliness as an adult. She has never gone to a hospital fearing a resultant tens of thousands of dollar bill from lack of medical insurance. My mother's life has been nothing like my own. She has never seen the inside of a food pantry, she had stable employment that was 8 hours a day, which included retirement benefits and allowed for a life with vacations, a nice home, and expendable income. Many of her peers have shared in the same easier lives.

 I will be talking about generational trends.  So yes, there will be a broad brush applied to some of these issues. There are good and bad people in every generation so I post this with the caveat again, this does not apply to every individual and there are good and bad people in every generation.  The Baby Boomer generation being one of most selfish generations in human history in America, has thrown their own children--Generation X and millennials under the bus for their own benefit. Do any of the wealthy oldsters around here enjoying their retirements, giant bank accounts and new cars, notice the people my age, walking in the rain and snow from their low wage jobs?

While Generation X sunk further down and the millennials have not even been able to afford their own apartments or homes, the Baby Boom generation benefitted from this. The Baby Boomers were told they were special over and over, and boy they never let us forget it! Thus they did not care about what happened to their children after them. Most generations want things to improve for their children, the Baby Boomers, put up bumper stickers on their new Cadillac that said "Spending my children's inheritance"---and boy did they!

The narcissistic sabotage for Generation X, started when we were in our twenties. Don't you know there was a reason when they labeled us all lazy slackers? We couldn't do anything right and we just got out of college. Like narcissist parents do to the scapegoat, we were handed bags of hot air and false illusions that did not pan out. Baby Boomers got the full attention of the world's media, and intelligentsia, and still even as they age, this has not ended. Did you know the millennials are a bigger generation in numbers then Baby Boomers? Bet you didn't. Why? Because all of our lives we have been told how the Baby Boomers are the biggest and the best generation and others did not matter. 

We are reaching late adulthood and still hearing about Kennedy getting shot and the rest ad nauseum, while our youthful times get mere nods. No one's talking much about the 80s, sure the Germans got their show Deutschland 83 and there's been a few movies, and memes referring to movies like Back to the Future, but it's like the 60s never ended. I never expected to be this old, and still having it shoved down my throat.

Everytime it seems I read a book even, it's a Baby Boomer doing the talking. Even a recent book I'm reading from the library on education Mission High, featured a teacher who had been in the Weathermen as a youth and graduated in 1967. He was another old hippie pontificating to me the virtues in this case of Common Core. They couldn't get any younger teachers to interview? Generation X still remains invisible even as we ascend into late adulthood and middle age, behind the attention hogging Baby Boomers. 

  “Generation Xers are the forgotten middle child generation,” says Faith Popcorn, a trend consultant who advises companies on generational differences. “They’re worried about both the present and future. They understand more than millennials that they could be replaced by robots and a lot of them don’t think they’ll ever be able to afford kids or qualify for mortgages.”
Popcorn says “6 in 10 boomers and millennials think their generations are special but only one-third of Gen Xers do. You wouldn’t want to be a Gen Xer.”

We were gas-lighted and told we were "entitled" for having basic wants and needs like an actual full time job that paid the bills instead of pieced together temp work and part time jobs at the coffee shop counter. While Baby Boomers enjoyed the benefits of worker rights and unions, today many of them join the Tea Party and make sure to vote away any of the same breaks for the younger generations. Empathy must be gone, because aren't some of them seeing their adult children doing far worse, because of the cut-throat job market? Selfishness is winning out at the polls. None of the partying in Florida Baby Boomer set, seems to care that most of their adult children will be cooking a can of beans over a rusted metal trash can when they hit their old age, because retirements and pensions are a thing of the past. Even as we get older and sicker, they tell us we deserved it for "failing".

 A life time of being called a "loser" by your parents has taken an extreme emotional toll on Generation X. Broken homes, constant moving, lack of stability and then financial insecurity with huge loads of stigma for not measuring up to parental expectations has hurt many members of Generation X without measure. Our lives were destroyed via our parent's selfishness.  Narcissists to the end, they sabotaged their own children and competed with them and never let them in the door. Financial pressures that never ended where cash-starved twenties became still struggling forties and fifties took a massive mental and physical toll in Generation X. We never could relax. In too many of our lives, while our parents had fun and shopped while they dropped, the answer for us was always "No". The false dreams we were handed by a bunch of narcissists were crushed by the hard cold hand of reality.

The Baby Boom generation up rooted marriage with their constant divorces, and destruction of traditional values, with the counterculture and drugs leading the way, Baby Boomers led us to many of the rotten places we are today. The old Woodstock navel gazing hippies who only cared about themselves graduated to the career and money obsessed yuppies of the 1980s.  The "freedom fighters" became the world's biggest neo-liberal fascists or fascist Tea Partier/Republicans. They codified lack of mercy and the worship of monolithic power.  They told us "God is dead" and spat on natural human emotions like affection. Earlier generations were taught family cohesion, loyalty, and defending the weaker and young. Baby Boomers weren't interested in any of that. They were more interested in "finding themselves". Baby Boomers being the most godless narcissistic generation to ever exist, have paved a path of destruction through this country like no other generation before them.

Do the Baby Boomers have empathy for people younger then them? Surely there are some good souls among them, but empathy is lacking in many places. How many Generation X people were told they were "losers" and couldn't do anything right as the carpet was ripped from beneath them? How many were told by the often New Age believing Baby Boomers, that they didn't think positive thoughts? So many of us are told "thinking positive" will deliver the cash right to our door. Sorry it doesn't work. Our media expresses no empathy for the younger generations. They repeat over and over young people [and now middle aged people]  are selfish, and lazy.


The SAME exact thing happened to Generation X [this magazine is from the early 90s]



"Hard act to follow"? Anyone want to barf along with me? Maybe there's a reason we wore nothing but black in our twenties. We were already in mourning knowing what awaited us. I had three years in my life where I wore nothing but black. We were already told we were LOST and that it was ALL OUR FAULT, and had nothing to do with the horrible changes being wrought in the economy. There's a reason we went goth, grunge and had the depressed Kurt Cobain as a spokesman.

In other words, Generation X was SCAPEGOATED TO THE MAX.

and they are still doing it to younger people too. "It's your fault there's no job, it's because you are too immature!" is the subtext on this Baby-boomer insulting cover.






Two Thirds Of Gen X Households Have Less Wealth Than Their Parents Did At The Same Age


Let's not forget the gas-lighting is part of the Baby Boomer game too. The poorer generations have been gas lighted to death. Told they are not achievers or as "hard working". There is a reason that many wealthier Boomers have joined the Tea-Party and want to do away with welfare and help for the poor.  It's not about improving the country, it's about protecting their own money. How many of us younger people were told we were personally responsible for all of our economic troubles? My husband was blamed for his lay-offs and so was I. My family in my extreme case literally threw me away for my money problems, well before I went no contact. The insults never stopped coming. Lest some see this as just my personal experience, I see the same treatment all over in different degrees.

Young people and middle aged Generation X are called "bums", "losers" and more. They move home to angry older Baby Boomer parents who are outraged at their child's failures and don't let them forget it. How many Baby Boomers did I see complaining about their adult children living with them, who "couldn't get it together"?  One still sees in in the magazine articles complaining about the young people and middled aged living at home with their parents. Gas lighting here, covers the real situation which is the 1 percent busy destroying the economy and opportunities within it.

Baby Boomers as a whole are not a generation that is aging gracefully.  Since they have more money, life is easier, they seem younger then people my age, in a certain way. My husband took me to this 50's/60s music show where he got some free tickets. People 20-25 years older then me danced around, a few were on canes and sitting at tables who were less mobile. They flirted as much as high schoolers, the women shook their booties, some wearing tight jeans and halter tops and were all dressed "sexy". It was perverse display with some of them. The good times never ended for Grandma and Grandpa Baby Boomer! I felt like a peasant woman sitting there in my long dress and with my walker entering some kind of altered world where these people were experiencing reverse aging while I was growing older at an accelerated rate. Narcissists don't age like the rest of us. A predominantly narcissistic generation will cling on to youth with a death grip.  There seems to be little admittance of the passage of time or the normal introspection that should come with age, I've seen in people a generation ahead of them. 

When I was in my 30s, I liked to befriend older people. Most of my then elderly friends were from the SILENT generation. They were different, and more traditional.  They believed in self sacrifice, they didn't tell me "think positive" or that everything was the young person's fault, they told me younger people have it far worse today and that life changed for the worse. One lady who was a mother in the 1950s told me, "We were happy and had time to spend with our families, now you see these women, and it's nothing but "work, work, work". Another elderly friend who was around 80 was direct, "You younger people are getting sick and dying far faster. Young people are not as healthy, especially in your generation and younger. I think it is because life is far harder for you.

The above statistics in the videos speak for themselves.

Babyboomers Don't Care if Generations Below Them are Poorer

Materialism, Crushed by Bills and Baby Boomers

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Art


This one is great. Many ACONs especially scapegoats can find art to be a refuge. I do art projects in my head, my body is too tired to do all the time. Snapping photos without a camera. "Oh those yellow leaves look good on that blue background", so forth and so on. Sometimes I have the camera though. I believe art saved my life, I really do. It's why I became an art teacher and it gave me something to live for during many years when I was totally alone. There's 110 pages on the comic. Maybe one day I'll get it done or turn it into a zine. Bristol board and more Indian ink need purchasing.

The Hungry, Alone and Homeless


Ah this one really spoke to me.  I hate those "get out of poverty" clubs. The local Catholic church has one, and I bet they will condemn the people in it and tell them that if they worked hard enough they'd rise up. They will be told they are not thinking "positive" enough. Most people need practical help not lectures.

Many of the poor are some of the hardest working people I know. In fact if this county held a working hard contest, I'd pick this fellow that works 70 hours a week at two low wage jobs. That guy loves his girlfriend and you can tell would do anything for her. They don't have a car either and he has to walk or bus his way to work. For all the talk of the "lazy" on Fox news in the inner cities, I saw some of the hardest working people on planet when I lived in some of most poor neighborhoods.

There's too many who look down from the ivory tower, throw down a few crumbs and then judge people for being hungry, alone or cold. Too many of the churches have grown more guilty of this because they they have become middle class and above clubs that teach the ethos of Ayn Rand and the Tea Party on behalf of the bankers more then what the Bible preaches about the poor. There are some that do help and seem to have a real spirit of giving without any meanness.

The bible warns about self righteousness for a reason. If one wants to help people, you can't consider them the "other" or "less human" then you, then you are doing them more harm. I've had people mock me for talking about homelessness or people in the streets. It is getting cold and hard out there. I've met too many people severely hurt while suffering in poverty or illness or homelessness, because they were looked down on. The help was given with resentment or from a position of superiority.

Poor people aren't choosing for the economy to collapse or the "good jobs" to be taken away. Some don't want to admit what is going on.  There is a hidden collapse to America that is going to become less and less hidden as time goes by. I just realized we escaped poverty leaving Chicago years ago and we were able to climb out. When we fell back in, the lack of mercy spoke for itself. What of people who face even worse? What of people who are totally alone in this world?

When I see people suffering worse then me, my first thought is not "What did they do to deserve it?" but "What can I do, or I wish I could do something for them?". Sadly too many think the former thought. I think others who have suffered have the most compassion. They have had it for me.

A Father Stands up for his son:



I haven't seen this movie yet, but had someone email me this clip. It's definitely about a narcissistic mother oppressing her own children. One sees a rarity here which is a spouse [father] in this case standing up for the son she is scapegoating. Many of us hoped and dreamed of this but it never happened. I have realized I am the only one ever in my entire family network who has ever stood up to my mother, and that is kind of a scary feeling. This woman reminds me so much of my mother, its uncanny, even in her looks and nasty words. You will note the son is creative and gifted and singing from the heart.

August Osage County Where Narcissists Rule

Friday, November 13, 2015

Nomadic Fanatic



These videos by Nomadic Fanatic are interesting to me. I always loved road trips but given my low money and health right now, virtual trips can be fun too. If I ever won the Lotto, I would not be home tomorrow and would go on some short trips. I love exploring. Sometimes I have chosen shrinky-dink little towns to go to in my own county to go see what they are like. One positive aspect of moving too much, is you get to see different areas.

 The Oregon coast seems to be incredibly scenic. I live around some great scenery and am always digging up gas money to go on beach drives with my husband but it's far different there. I took videos the other day of crashing waves, but haven't been able to get them downloaded yet. We plan to make some videos for fun this weekend, maybe I can post some here. I wish I could visit a close friend of mine in Oregon and another one on the East coast.

JADE: How to deal with Narcissists.

ACONs are told constantly how we do not measure up. In the land of numbers and measure up or else, it's turning people colder. Satan is having a hey day in parts of American society. The Narcissists hurt people time and time again telling them they do not measure up. That's one of their main ways of doing it. They don't look at their own faults, they are busy ripping you to shreds over their imagined faults pertaining to you.

Since I have gone no contact, I have had to spend a lot of time building myself back up. It has occurred to me that the people who demanded certain things of a very chronically ill woman, were morally insane. They really didn't care about any true betterment of my situation, they wanted to use me to make themselves feel better. Narcissists and other toxics enjoy knocking others down, it's what they do.  I also realized that nothing ever was going to be good enough for these people. I didn't want to waste another breathe trying to please these types or convince them.

Their criticisms were used as a battering ram on me. With many of the toxic, criticism of you will never end. We are wasting our time trying to convince them we are decent people or to treat us like human beings, the only answer is to walk. JADE is something every ACON needs in their tool box. We don't have to have our lives ruined trying to get the unloving to love us. Once a toxic is discerned, ones main prerogative should be to GET AWAY but JADE can help us until we can run for the hills.

"A Gift from a friend - "JADE"
by Quercus, via Kara, via Dee, from whomever first coined the term

"
JADE is an acronym for four things one must never engage in during a conversation (most likely an argument) with a narcissistically-disordered person. is for "Justify". Justifying our actions, our boundaries, our decisions will not bring us any good. All the information given to the Narcissist during our kind and generous attempts to justify our standpoints will be catalogued in their minds for future use. Factoids none of us would think important will be spin-doctored into weapons to be used against us.
Perhaps worst of all, justification is really an appeal to them. We're appealing to them for their understanding, which, as we all know, they'll gleefully deny us! Justification makes us look weak, not thoughtful and open. Just weak. And weakness is something the Narcissist loves to exploit. "Because I said so" might seem like a rotten thing to say, but it's really your only option other than silence. Don't justify anything - your decisions are yours. You don't need to show your paper-trail. The decision is final.
is for "Argue". I'm not sure if Narcissists qualify automatically as the world's best debaters (in fact, I'm sure they'd almost all get chucked out of formal debates for over-stepping the bounds and going straight into personal attacks!), but I challenge you to think of a Malignant Narcissist who wasn't argumentative . . . and good at it.
As for the Narcissists in my family, I know I can't beat them at an argument. At least, even when I think I've really hammered a point home eloquently and brilliantly (and I'm waiting for the resounding applause from the imaginary courtroom of supporters to echo loudly in my ears!), I find that, somehow, my cunning bit of logic and air-tight reasoning has been circumvented. And typically it wasn't countered or disproved - it was mocked and ridiculed. You could be the world's greatest debater, you could even be a seasoned defense attorney and have rousing speeches flowing out of you like molasses in august, and you will 'lose' to the Narcissist. It's because 'they're never wrong', even when you can prove it. So don't argue.
is for "Defend". Just like "Argue" above, you can construct such an air-tight case and deliver it, real tears and all, expecting their human heart to melt and their hard-line to waver, even ever so slightly, in response to your logical, honest case and your emotional plea. While this would probably work out as expected in the society of normal human beings, the Narcissist isn't a normal human being. They are closer to a monster, a psychopath (indeed, some of them are legitimately sociopathic!), than your average Joe. There's no point in making your case, there's no point in standing up for yourself and defending your cause in their presence - they'll jump all over you like kids in an inflatable bouncy castle! Start back-peddling, begin to reach a 'compromise', or react to a feeling of guilt, and they'll pounce. Your defensiveness is their gain; once you start making concessions or you panic and get 'defensive', they'll go in for the kill. Don't get defensive - let them accuse you of what they will. There's a reason the Bible calls Satan "The Accuser". Let the Divine defend you - just don't try it yourself!
is for "Explain". Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anytime you try to appeal to a Narcissist, you will lose. Monsters don't care if you're hurting (in fact, they like it!). They don't want to hear your case, they won't agree with it no matter what you say, and the more information you give them, the more ammunition they have to throw back in your face. And I wouldn't even say that - not all of their attacks are face-to-face: we're talking proximity mines, IED's, flying monkeys that serve (in this analogy) as 'suicide bombers'. All the ammo here will generally be harvested from your carefully-worded, thoughtful explanations. "I" statements, arguably the most useful conversation skill anyone could ever master, are completely lost on them. They don't care about anything, and your deliberate, thoughtful explanations to get them to understand and accept your position are only going to end up hurting you later in the form of figurative incendiary devices. They probably already know your position, so don't bother trying to explain it - they'll never, ever accept it, out of principle. Even if you're 100% right and they know it, they will not accept it. Save your breath and provide them no new ammunition in the war."

How to Make Cabbage Rolls



I'm making cabbage rolls for dinner. I'm out of onions but hope they will still turn out. In my cabbage rolls, I use ground turkey and some cinnamon and crushed tomatoes on the outside. A friend bought me a big broasting pan that has improved my cooking life. No more buying those flimsy metal containers for the Thanksgiving turkey. I bake mine in the oven too for two hours.

9 Signs of A Secret Narcissist


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

What Happened to Debi Thomas?



Debi Thomas Broke, Living in Bug-Infested Trailer.

This reminds me of the story of the lady who played Joanie Cunningham on Happy Days? Her real name was Erin Moran.  She had a drug problem which definitely complicated her circumstances. It seemed the world fed on her like sharks when the story broke she was homeless. The same seems to be happening to Debi Thomas.  What has happened to Debi Thomas?

This world loves you when you are on the mountain top but unless you stay there, they are ready to kick you in the face. One pundit would say, "You're only as good as your last work", or something along those lines. It is odd she just couldn't get a doctor related job but maybe the constant required  hoop-jumping destroyed things for her there.  Maybe she lacks the money to update a license. Her practice collapsed for whatever reason. Today I was told a local radiology office is going out of business. The medical establishment is having some troubles not really widely talked about.  While people are getting emergency care, a lot of preventative and elective surgery is falling by the way side, so how would an orthopedic surgeon do in today's environment? Maybe she could not afford to transfer her license to a new state.

 The reality show may be a ply out of desperation rather then a PR stunt. The strange ramblings got me lost many times. With the odd 'get rich' schemes included, something is very wrong here. It seems like people grasping at straws to me.  It's hard to know what is happening here. The Tea Party and pissed off Republican set sure are reaming here out over at her Go Fund Me page. They are angry.  I have to admit I wondered myself why not just go get jobs? It seems they are more employable then a lot of people who can't get work but there may be more to the story. However, the controllers have done a great job getting the poor to turn on one another. Perhaps her story is meant to outrage us in general and get society to label those who fail after success as "losers" and "victims" who deserve no better and who need their "lives fixed". Remember my other articles where I have stated avoid the fixers?
 


 
Click here to support Help Olympian Family - Debi & Jamie by Debi Thomas
This cause has been developed as an emergency fund for Dr. Debi Thomas, her fiancé, Jamie Looney, and their family to restore financial stability after severe sudden financial losses over the past couple of years associated with a combination of financially crippling life challenges.
 
I went digging trying to find out what happened to her medical career? I don't know if this article gives us some clues.

 She was upset with the lack of patient care in 2006. Did she pay for this whistle-blowing? Did she pay for disagreeing with her bosses over bad patient care and neglect? I noticed in the video discussing the reality shows and get rich schemes, she seemed upset by trends in medicine. I find myself wondering what happened. If the hospital she worked with had limited surgery theatres how much work could she do?

Dr. Debi Thomas, a world champion figure skater turned orthopedic surgeon, lent her considerable prestige to…
 
I have seen a lot of articles talking about her struggles with her alcoholic husband and others surmising she had serious mental disorders. Losing everything like this would be enough to affect one's mental health so what came first, the chicken or the egg?  I don't know.
 
 Maybe she got burnt out. Think about it, you compete in the Olympics and win a bronze in one of the sports that takes years and years of intense training. After that you go and get a college degree and do the long haul of medical school and residency. Maybe she just got old and tired. One sad thing about our society since there are fewer safety and social nets, more people are slipping through. There are once SUCCESSFUL people who slip through or slid down. My husband tired from his 14 hour newspaper days. Sometimes this happens in middle age to people as they have less energy.  They slow down and the whole thing falls apart. The reality show ideas and the rest seems like the desperate ploys of people trying to tread water as fast as they can.
 
Will thinking "positive" make us rich? In the above Los Angeles article, it seems she was trying to stand against reduced patient care in 2006. She could be the type of person who is willing to take up for the underdog and not all organizations will like that very much. The word "black-ball" is one that came to my mind. Did some narcissists gang up on her? Was the destruction of her career something that snowballed outside her control? What kind of institution was she sent to? Did she disagree with it's philosophies?
 

 

She needs to stay away from Iyanla. the New Ager who will tell her to think positive and all her problems will be solved. My mother loved Iyanla bestsellers which gives me pause. The New Age philosophies that teach that you totally control your own life and it's outcome, are beneficial to the powers that be in this society. This is where they get every person to blame themselves individually and easily turn people against each other.

From such types you never get real help. Fishing poles are never thrown, just a few fish from those full of resentment. Even if you want to craft your own hook, people get angry.  Funny how Oprah never helps anyone get a job even with all her power and money.  One thing watch out for narcissists who want to enjoy keeping you down. Mood disorder NOS doesn't necessarily mean bipolar disorder. It could include even depression and natural reaction to life's circumstances.
 

 
Iyanla talks to her in a very patronizing tone, which distresses me. "Are you willing to entertain the possibilities that your brain is not functioning?" Sure, it's called stress and poverty, it's called living with bed bugs. How does embarrassing someone on national TV help with any mental problems? Was she paid for this appearance? How is she supposed to be lift herself up, and dig herself out while being told her brain is not functioning? Maybe the next idea they will get is labeling poverty itself as a "mental illness". Oh. I better not give them any new ideas.

This is one oppression the poor are under. Such types will spit in a poor person's face and berate them for not thinking of "positive" ways to escape poverty. Iylana is a New Cage con artist who as Oprah's sychophant has helped advance the false "believe and achieve" gospel. Poor Debi, I wish I could warn her. These people won't offer real practical help. They will just teach you self condemnation. The way out is not more beating yourself up and being beaten down. Hey I don't have all the answers but that hurts instead of helps. The criticizers who jeer aren't the ones paying your bills. Some of us ACONs have just managed to escape. I hope Debi can too.
 
There does seem evidence she is caught up in a bad relationship, with domestic abuse. It seems she says things have improved. We don't have the facts there.  If it is truly abusive and no changes have been made I hope she can get out of it. I don't like the fact that her family is gone, being rubbed in her face. What happened to her family? Did they abandon her as she slid down the ladder? Imagine being someone who realizes the hard way, you are only as good as your last skating trophy.
 

 
This video is especially revelatory. Win a bronze at the Olympics and it's still not good enough? What disheartens me here, is such a person driven like Debi Thomas even making it to the Olympics is especially vulnerable to a narcissist playing "Are you a winner or a loser" games on her. The mind screw being done to her here, is absolutely nauseating. Every competition people face distractions, and questioning themselves, well maybe the narcissists don't so they don't relate. Debi seems to be someone who still has a heart. She failed to be a good narcissist robot who lacked concern over an international skating contest.
 

 
Debi cries, "I did the best I could." Did Iyanla say "No you didn't"? My hearing isn't so good. This is the main message in this society, "You did it to yourself." "You are poor because you did it!" Now think about this, this is a woman who was an ACHIEVER most of her life, she lost a business, she suffered in troubled relationships, she could or could not have serious mental health issues, and now she is being unloaded on again. In the King and Queen of the Mountain world we live in, one thing I have realized seeing things from the bottom of the mountain, is the narcissists keep busy kicking everyone in the face, who struggles even a little bit, and if there is a lot of troubles, they can go to town. Troubles are to be exploited. That's one bad thing about fame, and Debi is vulnerable to it. This is not a world where one can admit troubles, without facing a barrage. We have too many wicked ready to patronize and judge someone.
 
We don't know the whole story here. Who knows what her upbringing was like? If you have heard of the film Little Girls in Pretty Boxes, maybe you can guess some of what I am hinting at here. She could be a PTSD or CPTSD case from that alone. The last thing she needs is more condemning controllers. However it sickens me to see someone set upon like this exploited, her poverty and troubles used by some to kick her in the face and hold judgment. Even if she made some bad decisions and needs mental help, metaphorically stoning her will only hurt.

There is something insidious about these celebrities on top are now homeless poor and failure stories to me. The narcissists in charge seem to be advancing them constantly now.  Here the message remains the same, that you can't look at the world around you or different factors, but must always blame yourself. So wonder people are growing more depressed and despondent. It is not a message of hope or healing but one of blame and shame. No real help or lifting one's self up will come from the finger waggers and do-gooders using your troubles to shine next to.

New York millennials can now rent a mom for $40 an hour



Need a Mom? Now you can rent one! This made me laugh and reminded me of the people who sold "hugging". Is there a money back guarantee if you get a narcissist or sociopathic Mom? I hope they screen them.

Need a Mom? Now you can rent one.

Smakintosh: A Hatred Without Cause



Narcissists do hate without a cause. It is good that scripture addresses this. Many ACONs have asked themselves why do narcissists hate them so much? With our own parents, we asked ourselves why were we so hated? I was hated by a very young age. When I was just 4 years old, I remember my mother shoving me away and knowing she despised me to the core of her being. Many of us have faced this. There are people who gave me smiles and grins and were great actresses even for a while who turned out to despise me too same as my mother. Many of us live under the weight of this hatred, and Smakintosh wisely warns us of what scripture states here, that hating without cause is a condition of the wicked. We have to stop blaming ourselves when a narcissist hates us.

Many of them hate us with no cause. I have been hated. I'm having a time in my life where I never have had so many enemies, but one will create enemies once they walk out of the narcissistic fog. You start standing up for yourself.  You end what you thought were "friendships". You alter some relationships forever. You stop putting up with endless criticism and being put down. You confront and then walk, and their hatred grows. They never apologize, they never try to make amends, they only speak of their own "rightness" and "superiority" in their moral narcissistic darkness. One thing for me to add to the red flag list as a warning for predators, is stay away from people who never apologize or admit they are wrong and always focus on your faults.

I have a lot of enemies now. I am staying away from them and hope they stay away from me. I want peace in my life. I won't be silenced on my blog however warning of narcissists or other ACONs that they need to get away. Those bible verses of the wolves surrounding a person, it can feel that way.

 You start taking out the narcissistic trash and the numbers of narcissists that surround you can be shocking. A real friend or loved one is someone who stands up for you, those that seek to destroy you are only out to hurt out of their own envy and "hatred without cause."  We must get away from them. Us ACONs can be prone to narcissists entering our lives due to our upbringing, clearing your life of them can be quite a process.

With my mother, if I had a loving one, things would have been completely different, same for others who decided they hated my guts without cause. There is spiritual darkness to someone who hates an innocent child and even spiritual darkness to the narcissists who decide no one is good enough and who spend their lives ripping people to shreds to elevate themselves. Some of these people even call themselves Christians which is even more frightening.

Did any of you ever ask yourselves, "What did I ever do to this person?" I have asked it when it came to narcissists many times. The fact of the matter is we didn't do anything. Some just hate to hate.

I Loved the Peanuts Movie Too



I loved this movie so much too, I'm going to get a DVD copy. It was so wonderful and sweet. The ending will surprise you, I don't want to give a spoiler out. It just was so great.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Lives Worth Living

Did Someone Film Me?

Did someone film me getting upset? Will I be youtube's newest star? I will have to sue and get it taken down. I have bought 120 dollars of food at the Mexican market and Aldis. My husband takes me to two places looking for a deal on his soda pop.  The first place has no deal, he leaves, wanting a better one, something I did not agree with. The second one, he waits half an hour in line and walks out saying the line took too long and leaving his things on the counter unpurchased.  I'm at the third pop related place waiting. I am annoyed beyond belief by then. Every one's partner has their quirks.

 I argue wanting to take our groceries home for a few seconds and then shut my mouth, and he goes in the store. Being a control freak wife, only backfires, I resign myself but I am upset.  He is due home to work on an internet project too that starts at a specific time. Next time I will make sure the stupid soda pop is bought first.  I fear the frozen and refrigerator food going off. For some reason my northern state is as hot as August in the beginning of November. I wonder if we will even have a winter this year but I digress.

 He takes a long time in this store too, I wait, and then talk to myself, it's semi-Aspie meltdown time. Full ones are when you cry. I'm not crying. I'm too tired to get my walker out of the trunk and go in the store and hide in the bathroom. I talk to myself and punch the plastic part of the car door, it is only ajar, and cuss. "%*^*+(^%% what is taking him so long? I hate his stupid pop and hope the blankety blank company goes out of business. and yell "Come on". This was a pretty food insecure month. I look up and notice this woman is sitting in her car, catty corner, has her phone out, with the stupid apple on it and it's pointed in my direction. "Oh holy crap!" I think and I immediately shut up. One thought is that I am in a decent dress and not too bagged out today.  Legally I know I am in my rights to yell in my own car since I have not yelled at anyone or threatened anyone. I am not yelling at loud decibels either and realize how much could she hear within a closed car?  Even punching the door was not hard enough to leave a bruise. I did open the door a few inches due to the heat but never got out. I was not screaming loud enough for anyone to send help or police. My interjections were here and there.

What do I do?  I know going up to her  to tell her to stop filming me will cause me more trouble. No one else noticed or saw me, people were walking in different areas and I was on the edge of the parking lot more. So I stay silent and get out my digital camera in my purse and start filming her filming me. It does not dissuade her which scares me even more. I only get a few seconds of video. She is staring right at me with her phone right below.  The quality is crappy because my best camera needs new batteries and this is my older one. I don't own a smart phone. I got out later to check on the food we had purchased.

My husband says even if they put it up, somewhere legally I can do a cease and desist. I wish my temper wasn't so bad. But one reason I vent to myself was to keep from getting in a yelling match which my husband which I did manage to avoid. Be careful of narcissists with cameras.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Self-Respect



From the book Psychopath Free:

"At some point you will find instead of trying to gain everyone's approval, you are wondering why people can't be more like you."

From the book Boy Meets Depression

"If no one chooses you, choose yourself. If no one accepts you, accept yourself."

Narcissists destroy our self respect growing up. The knife to our soul is the one that bleeds out the feelings of self respect and dignity for ourselves.  This is one way they soul murder and some people they do complete break, taking away all self respect for their entire life. They literally make people wake up hating themselves for life. She didn't take all of mine away but I'm working to reclaim what I can. Self-respect aka DIGNITY is something all ACONs will fight for and no contact is one way to make a fight for it.

They tell you that you are nothing over and over and you are always the last in line. Everyone else comes before you in importance.  Mine would go running to extended cousins and relatives I never heard of before thinking of me. Supposedly I was her "daughter" but she treated me with less regard then a neighbor three doors down. They treat you like a worm or a slave. In 2013, as you all know, I was very sick. At this time, my decision for no contact was made, because I thought, "I can't die in this position, where I die as a slave on my knees before the narcissists, I have to walk no matter what." Another thought was, "I can't sell out".

Two relatives had warned me she had me cut out of the will. One told me more indirectly, "Your mother will never take care of you" and one said it point blank. She told me my mother sat in front of some friends and her, and laughed about how I and my brother had no idea but that we were both cut out and would get the surprise of our life. This was very soon after my mother's giant insurance pay-out and around the time legal papers would have been drawn out.

 If you think about it, that's pretty sick.  Even if she had not cut me out, I couldn't "sell out" being demeaned the rest of my life out of fear of poverty or forever destitution. Money was the trap and the shackles on my wrists keeping me in the game, especially during the times I needed some help. If any of you ever think I am overly-interested in financial things, this is where it is rooted in. I know it. Even the idea of having financial security to feel "safe" from my mother is a dream of mine that I wish would be fulfilled. I literally beg for this from God. I don't want her to have the satisfaction or glee of seeing me in the streets. When I worry about being on the bus or going without groceries, I do struggle with the anger, of her life being so easy, and mine so hard.

One thing I am working on now, is claiming self-respect and not letting the poverty destroy it. I have realized that I missed some important adulthood milestones from being disabled so young. I achieved only a semi-professional life that was very short lived. I did not get that sense of empowerment that can come from a decent career or work-life that can bring a sense of security or dignity to one's life. It is a major struggle. Watching my husband struggle since his lay-offs was a double whammy.

This is one trap that keeps people in the Narc net, especially if they are an impoverished scapegoat. They look to the day where they will be "free", and have money, but then in this life there are no guarantees. Some of these narcissists as they suck energy from people live a very long time. I have heard of people who are almost elderly themselves at the beck and call of a narcissistic parent who lives on to torture them. People become slaves to the narc, fearing being cut out of the will. Wills are used for abuse, and a hammer over one's head. Some narcissists even threaten to cut people out of their will every time they are angry. Here's the real deal, if they already hate and disrespect you, it's very likely you are cut out anyway.  One loses self-respect, when in this position. This is one reason my mother can get away with so much. Her money. If she had no money, who would put up with all the abuse?  My brother was in shock I walked, "But you are so poor and this is your only chance to have anything". I didn't want to be among the crowd kneeling before her because of the money. He lives having to make sure she is pleased and he remains dependent on her largesse. This means never angering "Mommy" even into his 50s.

I was groomed to be dependent and desperate. None of us three children achieved what would be called worldy "success". My sister attained wealth via marriage. Us other two struggled, me more so. When I found out my mother had huge connections that were denied us and even helped cousins and others this told me what I wanted to know. When I was trying to get a teaching job, and denied two, due to medical reasons and ended up with the alternative school job, my mother's best friend was one of the heads of a State Department of Education.  I found out other massive family connections too, and realized with horror how some people were helped and others simply not. This continues to this day. This is what she wanted. She wanted me kept low.  Even as I worked to get ahead in a field I especially loved in college, the refusal to address my Aspergers and medical neglect, worked together to ruin my future.  She did everything to destroy my life and told people it was all my fault. The sabotage was open and continuing. Some of my finding self-respect is realizing what odds I fought against.

One part of self respect is taking responsibility for one's life, and I have sat back to analyze myself. Did I? I went to college and graduated from the honors college with my art education degree. I vied for another profession going to paralegal school, and worked in jobs with troubled youth. I analyzed myself . Was I the "loser", she called me over and over and even on this blog because there was no suburban house or 6 figure income in my future?  I started having thoughts that she was a very spoiled woman, and had an easy ride compared to me. She really did. Money always came her way. Did she have to deal with having Aspergers, or a one in a 5 million health problem? Did she have a body turn on her to the extreme?  Did she have job discrimination to deal with? No. her job was handed to her. If she had dealt with even 10 percent of what I had, she would have crawled into a ball. Her narc-rage over the deprivation alone may have put her in prison.

Another thought I had about her, is "Does any part of her realize that people fear her more then actually respect or love her?" True love or respect does not exist in a climate of fear.  There is no love or true bonding. Everyone bows down to her fearing they will be the next target. They have seen the broken shell of Aunt Scapegoat and seen me battle it out with her for many years. Everyone knows what it is to have a hated boss where everyone snaps to attention not because they like the guy but because they fear being fired. Whatever respect I have from anyone was earned the real way not demanded and coerced by fear. My husband has told me I am his "hero", even for having lived through the health problems I faced. Gasping for air in 1998, who could predict I would live almost 20 plus more years?  One thing that has changed for me being no contact this long, is I am no longer afraid of her.

 As I got deeper into no contact, I thought "Who are these people?" and started to judge them more then myself. While they had more money and prestige then me, where they better people? The answer was no. An objective view of my mother was of an uneducated however cunning woman who had exploited people to move from farm-poor to upper middle class. I analyzed to myself asking "Who among the family had a conscience left, who was more like me? One cousin who volunteers definitely does. A few do. I find myself praying the narcissists don't corrupt them. I asked the question in the quote above, "Why can't they be more like me?" instead of thinking I was all wrong.

Learning to trust myself has been a journey and in itself. I have faced fear and other challenges still being worked on. The poverty thing has hurt me badly but then even there, I ask myself "Have I done what I can?" and I have. Becoming disabled does not bring the wealth. I did what I could and I fought to stay alive.

 We have collected cans, sold ebay and other things. Even with my husband, he works hard even though we are poor. I help him and cook his meals while he is on the computer. He helps me with the caretaking I need during the day such as being driven to an appointment or being helped up from a chair or supported during a vertigo attack. He has not given up and neither should I. Sometimes I get angry wondering why some people have been given good and high paying jobs, and others are not but we both tried everything we could to dig ourselves out. I reminded myself even though I was disabled, we escaped the ghetto even one time. This is why the re-sinking back into poverty has been painful. Right now we are trying to figure out "what to do" and being in your late 40s and early 50s not knowing "what to do", is a very scary feeling. The narcissists while they cheat the system ignore how many people have to live and what has happened to the United States economy. One thing about being poor, is this society will try to destroy your self-respect on many levels. It is something you have to fight. This is one place where knowing the system is screwed up saves a person.

I did not deserve what these narcissists and sociopaths dished out on me. I realized my mother affected my husband in very negative ways too. She was hurting him. When she said things to me like "Your husband will never amount to anything" even knowing at one point he had a book of his own published and had been published in national music magazines and was an assistant newspaper editor at one point, she was hurting him as well as me. She was dishonoring and disrespecting him too. It was affecting his life. My marriage grew stronger when I broke away too. I broke away from having us both called losers. Self-respect is defending those who you love. Narcissists and sociopaths do not know what true love is. They probably are jealous of it and hate you for having it.

My mother used to get angry in emails, and write "You have no respect for me!". She definitely had that sickening narcissist trait of always wanting constant adoration and attention.  How could I? This is one trait of the narcissists where they will demand respect and never get it.  She tried to destroy my own self respect and sought to rule by fear, and intimidation. I do not like my mother, everything about her personality bothers me. There was nothing to respect. It was ironic the person who allowed me no respect demanded it all the time. You have to give respect to get it, which is something she never did. She disrespected people all the time. Even the stuff she said and did regarding Aunt Scapegoat hurt me as there was one point in time I was cared about Aunt Scapegoat and was seeking a bond with her. Respect is earned not coerced via fear.

 Also if you are someone that seeks to destroy everyone's self respect of themselves, you are not someone who is going to earn love from anyone. They may fear you and be nice to your face and tell you what you want to hear, but they will not like you and they won't respect you. Narcissists via their own bad behavior deny themselves real respect and love. They get sycophants, they do not get friends.

One thing that brings self-respect in one's life is integrity. Integrity is holding to one's own moral principles.  Somehow I survived intact in my integrity coming out of the household of snakes. Not to say I am perfect but one part of my identity entails standing up for what I believe. Something the narcissists never were interested in. My father actually would seek to chip away at this telling me I was "too idealistic" and never would "make" it in the world because I would not bend. One Aspie trait is we do stick to where we stand.

One important part of my self-respect was not allowing the narcissists to silence me or take away my own viewpoints or morals. This is one thing that narcissists will strive to chip away at, having no integrity themselves, if you have any they will work on it. There were times my parents would insult me for being "too nice", or "too sensitive". I still think of that last family meeting where my mother outraged by Christian verses, theology and defenses of the poor I was putting on my Facebook wall wrote an email to everyone in the family telling them, that she was going to outlaw some topics for the holiday family meeting at her house.  This was the one in 2012.



Integrity rooted in self respect is what told me, I could not go. A lot of times, I am housebound in winter, and can't make it anyhow--they never allowed any compromise for this, which is one reason I went without seeing some family members for 8 years at the time. That year it was warm enough though, I could have gone, but I refused. The "beliefs" she was outraged by were my Christian beliefs.

This is one point where I was glad I stood up for myself and said "No" when I wrote back, the whole family all kissed her butt and made jokes at me on her behalf. I knew this was the beginning of my NC decision that would be enforced in June after that holiday season. This was one point in my life, where I knew "These people do not respect me." and  "They mock me". The same integrity for someone silencing me for my religious beliefs--and no I didn't thump my bible at them. I left them alone after witnessing one time. I was sacrificing self respect to have anything to do with these narcissists who demeaned me at every step. As I have thought about this in the last few years since it happened, this was her way to even try and take away a core part of who I was, and what I stood for. She did not want the others reading what I had written or posted.

One thing about narcissists is they have no integrity or stands they take. They will change a stand considering what audience they are in front of. I have heard my mother claim to be prolife in one social setting and prochoice in another. I don't want to begin an abortion debate here but am showing this example to show how they will change like chameleons considering who they desire to manipulate. I believe she wanted to shut down the openness I had on Facebook in sharing opinions and viewpoint and this was a way to say, "Do not listen to Peep". With the family all loving her money, they were ready to scramble. When I wrote back "we need LESS censorship in this family not more", all took her side.

So I walked and gained more Self-Respect.

It's changing me. I was under so much condemnation for so long, and now I am seeing through more and more of it. I am learning to hold more boundaries with people and also to stand up for myself. One thing I may write about soon is I have ended quite a number of friendships. I wrote about one in the Taking out the Narcissistic Trash article, but there have been others.  Sometimes I have asked myself if I will end up alone--I do have the good loyal friends and my husband, but my standards are being enforced. I'm not putting up with nonsense. Even being alone is better then dealing with anyone who will disrespect me.

I believe this is one of the worse things these sociopaths and narcissists do to people which is they try to take away someone's very self respect and dignity in who they are. I reject her labels about me that sought to destroy my life and today I get away from people who treat me like she did, who have derision or speak down to me. I did not sell my life and soul to the system, and can respect myself for that.