Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Done with them ALL
I'm finally done with them ALL. Don't make the mistake of trying to win a few family members to yourself or getting down in the pit of trying to win them over.
I put the last on restricted status on Facebook. I spent too long trying to "win" a few stragglers to my side. It was a waste of time. Even ACON's who go no contact from abusers and are a few years in, can make that mistake of thinking, "Maybe I can get this nicer relative to see my side of things," So you try and are nice and think thoughts like, "Let's focus on positive things" but then you realize the betrayals are still there. The disrespect is still there. It's more subtle but it is there.
I tried to hang around and "win" a few over away from the narcissists. I wanted to have a few family members left in the world. It failed.They will always do what they are told by the narcissist even if they tell you to the contrary. They do not care. Even trying to hold on to relationships with the cousins, hurt me. They still were visiting my abusers. They all kissed the butt of my abusers and those people came FIRST.
This means from Queen Spider, I have no family left. NOONE. All nieces and nephews were turned against me. They all chose to believe her smear campaigns. I hate my "role" in the family and have rejected it and even the most extended relative never failed to remind me, so I am finished with the ENTIRE LOT.
I wasted the few years after the initial no contact trying to "win" a "few" people over after going NC with the majority. Scapegoats are never validated. They will not give a crap about your causes, art work,or who you are, they will only see you as the narcs do. Even with "nice" ones be careful, too many people are sheep and they love to bootlick narcs. My Uncle narc got really chummy with all the cousins. You may have hopes and dreams of recovered relationships or keeping that niece or cousin in your life, but in my case it ended up being a pile of dung. I just got hurt again.
Some of us will get to that place and inner strength of realizing all the "trying" is for naught. The whole family system is poison, we have to accept that this is a group of people we were not loved and cherished in and nothing we do or say is going to change that. This can go out to the extended relatives too.
Many ACONs face this, where they think they can "save" or "recover" a few relationships in the family. We are a few years into no contact and that is going well, but we have false thoughts, about recovering a few family members and think "Well maybe I won't have to cut everyone off, that's a bit harsh isn't it?"
The narcissists move in, they don't leave one thread or person untouched. Even the most extended relatives will be used as report tellers, and grilled for information, they will keep secrets for the narcissists and always betray you. You may note too among the "nicer" extended people, there are things that bother you, how every time you tell them anything you are "wrong" or "too emotional" or how you feel on edge around them all. Validation is rare or you must always be on your "best behavior". Some families are so narcissist riddled, that if you expose one or two narcissists, there's another to pop up in place, and they will lie too. I faced facts that Aunt Denial was just as poisonous as my mother with her specialty of "concerned trolling" and crocodile tears to be far more advanced. I went no contact with her three and a half years ago along with my mother but my cousins were being very influenced by her and her husband, Uncle Narcissist. They visited each other several times a year.
We get dreams of potentially viable relationships. I had it with one niece who I was emailing for a while, and who refused to befriend me on Facebook and treated me as though I was poison. I tried so hard to reach out and loved and cared for her, so this one hurt me a lot. I realized however I was not going to win over the messages or control of her parents and walked away peacefully. I thought I could keep my cousins in my life on a very low contact basis and maybe later visit and reconnect but I noticed how often they were visiting Uncle Narcissist and even making sure I was not invited to family events my mother and sister were not at. They followed all the directions of the narcissists, and the flow of communication within the family remained narcissist driven. To be frank, if someone has any connection with a narcissist, you have gone no contact with, in most of the cases the relationship will not be to rescued. It didn't escape my notice how lovingly they spoke of my mother. One cousin would admit my mother was "toxic to you" but that's all I got, past that he saw her as a nice woman, and me as the "problem" and that "she was just the way she was".
Don't waste a few years spinning your wheels like me. Ditch all who have treated you with disrespect and who have chosen the narcissists over you. They are betrayers already not to defend or stand up for you and the constant litany of trying to correct the endless narcissist's lies grows old. Younger members of the family may be less culpable, but they are in the fog and have been given a picture of you via the narcissists as well. Escape the trap of seeking love and validation.
I know even three and half years in, I still struggle,like I am pulling myself out of a mudbog. I know I have walked away from so many people. I went no contact with my brother a year ago and still do not regret it. I dealt with one of the most severe sociopaths out there, where every word was manipulation. Four decades of abuse is a lot to overcome. There is so much to fix. With the ended friendships, having no family, it has been worth it, but there has been a lot of pain. Inside I ask myself continously "How did it go so bad?" I have been disappointed and betrayed so often. I can't do it anymore and I am not.
Facing the fact of how I was seen and treated was very difficult. It bothers me that I had so many unhealthy relationships in my life where the main message was that I was "not good enough" and was surrounded by so many people who told me I must be fixed to be acceptable. I realize now the immensity of what I was denied. I believe if I had not entered into a loving marriage, where there was true acceptance and love, I would have been destroyed. What these people did to me is that bad.
To heal one must seek out people who do love you and accept you. I have a few. But I know at this time in life, I am no longer going to "TRY" to "WIN" anyone over. Once that begins, you have already LOST the relationship and there was never a real one to begin with.