Saturday, August 31, 2013

Animals in the Wild Are Getting Fatter Too?




Definitely some mind blowing things to think about with this one!

It’s Not Just All of the People Around You That Are Getting Fatter

And some wild animals are getting bigger, too. Body weight in male rats in Baltimore increased 5.7 percent between 1948 and 2006. Even rural rats have gained weight. Body weight of male rats trapped in the Maryland countryside increased by 4.5 percent.

Animals are getting fatter, just like humans, “even in the absence of those factors that are typically conceived of as the primary determinants of the human obesity epidemic via their influence on diet,” according to the “Canaries in the Coal Mine” study. Animals don’t have access to vending machines and they aren’t playing PlayStation 3, but they’re still starting to look like those fat-people’s-butts-walking-on-city-streets shots that always seem to accompany mainstream news stories about human obesity.

The change here is something of a mystery but it may reflect what we see in human lives, too. Americans, after all, eat poorly, but even people in Japan, where diets are some of the healthiest in the world, are getting fatter. People everywhere, in fact, just weigh more than they used to, despite the fact that they don’t all consume large amounts of high fructose corn syrup and have the sedentary jobs of people living in America or Western Europe. What’s going on? No one really knows.

According to the Allison study: One set of putative contributors to the human obesity epidemic is the collection of endocrine-disrupting chemicals (endocrine-disruptors), widely present in the environment. Another conceivable explanation is obesity of infectious origin. Infection with adenovirus-36 (AD36) leads to obesity in multiple experimental models and antibodies to AD36 are correlated with obesity in humans. These observations suggest that AD36 and conceivably other infectious agents could be contributing to obesity within populations.

Other explanations may include epigenetic-mediated programming of growth and energy-allocation patterns owing to any number of environmental cues such as stressors, resource availability, release from predation or climate change. Basically, the environment could be to blame.

The widespread presence of chemical carcinogens in nature may not only be giving us cancer, it might also be making humans—and animals—obese. Certainly the fact that animals (pets, captive, and wild) are getting fatter even without doing or eating the things that are supposed to be making people so overweight indicates that something strange is going on here.

As David Berreby writes at Aeon, however, it’s possible there’s actually some mysterious other thing going on here, something unknown and hidden. Humans sweat and shiver to maintain the appropriate body temperature. The things our bodies do naturally to maintain temperature burn calories. Now that we increasingly live and work in climate-controlled environments, our bodies don’t need to burn as many calories to keep the right temperature.It’s reasonable to suppose that pets, zoo animals, and even rats would be impacted by this as well, since they live mostly in climate-controlled, human-built environments.

All of this is not to say that the basic narrative of the Western World’s gut—that we’re becoming overweight because we eat poorly and don’t exercise—is wrong. Certainly if you weigh too much the only good way to shed the pounds is to improve your diet and be more active. But it’s possible that the true story of fat might be more complicated, and not just a function of lifestyle. Look to the animals.

Friday, August 30, 2013

The Family Saga Continues




Hoovering and No Contact 101

Remember how I wrote about going NC? [no contact] All newbies to this blog, go to that link, my family is not normal. Ah the very idea of a group of people I am related to "seeing" me and being there for me and "knowing" me sounds like a dream.

Well after three months of total silence they all deluged on me at once, on my birthday. Eight unanswered phone calls screened with caller-ID, a series of cards all within the same day. Can't one ever act independent of the others? A strange letter from my mother, "we all love you" and "want you back in our lives" with comments about how well and busy everyone is. No questions asked about why I walked. No, "we are sorry you feel so bad" but "It saddens me you have chosen not to have any contact with us, but I guess that is your choice."

Her letter had the appearance of a loving letter though one friend pointed out, she wrote "we love you" and not "I love you". It left me cold. Nothing ever personal, just the formality of what a "proper" mother should write an adult daughter. The thing about all this is I never could question anything. I think back to all my ignored questions, "why do you disinvite me from places?, why do you say those bad things about me?, why don't you ever stand up for me, such as the time your sister you visit all the time trashed my painting and threw it in the closet?" That forcing of silence has been the worse, feeling walled off, told only to be go through the motions which is what I did for so so long.

Why tell me everyone is so busy, when one of the problems from the get go was I was invisible. I didn't imagine the 4 years of no one on my doorstep and my mother dumping those presents off in 2 minutes flat and walking out to go spend a week with my sister and her family? Why contact me all? To feel better about themselves? To tell themselves, we tried and she is mean and ignored us? None of the core problems are being addressed. If I crawl back now, it will be more of the same. Take the crumbs we are throwing you and be satisfied with nothing else seems to be the message to me.

Do I want to go back to people who make me feel like dirt and that I am nothing. Who because I became disabled  and low income rendered me to the outskirts of social Siberia, long long ago? The answer is NO, but my feelings of grief and guilt as the phone rang off the hook and the cards came in just seemed to grow bigger. One's calling me right now as I write this. Why can't one ask what is wrong instead of just insistence I step back in line and forget all?

 I lose either way, hold the course and remain no contact but have absolutely no family or go running back to the same abuse that has tore me down and trust me even if I deal with the overt stuff there is plenty of covert. I always lost with these people. I am sure my younger relatives will cheer for me being gone as they split up any inherited goodies.

The bragging never stops either, why tell me my brother has a new business, I have no idea how someone went from needing money from their mother ever month to pay bills to a sudden new business venture, but how is that supposed to make me feel? Ah he knows the score, you have to be a success to mean anything. Babies, and Eagle Scouts and all those pictures of smiles next to the thin. I felt like I was thrown away first.

Daydreams flitter through my head, if only I won the Lotto, if only I had gotten thin, if only my husband had not lost the job we moved here for that had middle class pay, if only the publishers had been interested in my book from 1999, I tried to publish after my weight gain. Professionally edited, this blog is not, but that book was! No children to display, no nothing. I used to have the family tell me, "You can't blame us for YOUR failures", but then the pain I felt around them never stopped.

My grief and regrets about life are all balled up into a big mess with the negative messages from my family. My birthday by the way went happy enough when I stayed out of the house, but it got hot and I was housebound.

My sister's birthday card was impersonal along with a message on a social website. "Thinking of you" is what they said. That is what I write myself on cards I make for perfect strangers in the hospital for my self help group, but there is a bit more warmth with the art and pictures on those cards. Why does she hate me so much? It would be easier to be told off then the endless fakery for appearances.

I also got a letter from the "godmother" who is a cousin of my mother who I haven't seen in 40 years but feels some religious duty via a religion I long left to write me and tell me how successful each of her children and grandchildren are including the head of a major university art program. She seems to be another German carbon copy of no emotions and putting one's self on display. How on earth does an ex home economic teacher from a very little town have endless money to travel to a new foreign nation every year? Peru acouple years ago, a recent Alaskan cruise, some other places I've never heard of.  Those pensions must be wonderful. See the cartoon above, instead of France, it's Alaska, and I got a birth announcement too!

Ah did that make me sound bitter and envious, maybe a little bit. Her lack of introspection troubles me too.

The most recent was hearing about her daughter's art show. What a way to rub it! Is everything with success with these people? I had art shows too, but none of them were around to go to them. What does she want from me? She never was really in my life. I'm tempted to write and ask, why are you bothering? "I never saw you and you were never there for me when I was young." I remember dying for someone to come pay attention to me during those ages and she was never there. She was just another stranger doing her duty.

Not one ally among these people, not one, and it's creepy how there isn't one word for months and they come running on the same day. Didn't they know that ignoring someone who is facing severe health problems and refusing to visit them even as they feared their time was growing short, that person would give up on them? Didn't they think I'd get tired and after having the door slammed shut in my face over and over, finally say "I am done!"

I know some people may think I am being harsh here. This is against my nature to even be like this, but what do I do, I can't take the abuse anymore either.

War Protesting



Another war?

Obama is basically a globalist puppet another Bush, there is no difference between him and Bush except a few social agendas crumbs thrown to liberals,  as I wrote the other day, war with Syria, was planned with Cheney and pals back in 2001, with Project for a New American Century. They also had Iran in that list and Libya as well as others. Are American memories that short they don't remember Bush lying and going on about the weapons of mass destruction?


Except this time, this war is much more dangerous!

I noticed yesterday gas prices went up! Oh it's expensive to be the policeman of the world. Excuse me why I go throw up!

Hopefully they won't take us into WWIII with their nonsense given that Russia and China are all warning there will be consequences. 


What freedom with TSA, NDAA, the Patriot Act? They are doing what they can to end the last ones left, freedom of speech and religion.

I can't stand both parties. Both hold to the same agenda of tyranny.

What is funny is remember when leftists were anti-war? I used to do war protesting, as an INDEPENDENT, I have hated both parties for years when I figured out the truth behind the scenes but I find it kind of funny how now they even have the left now cheering for war, because the right puppet is carrying out the plans of the powers that be. Cindy Sheenan, I wonder if she voted for Obama?

Yes Fivehundredpoundpeep got the anti-war signs out circa 2003, no I was not liberal by then, I was with a mix of people including libertarians and others, as I did war protesting in my old town. Some of us knew Bush was a liar then, and many of us know Obama is a liar now and doing the SAME EXACT thing right now. Funny how Obama will help outsource jobs, destroy the economy, hand more power and cash to the bankers, sign NDAA and now follow Bush with even worse and more dangerous war-mongering, but liberals still love him! 

If we see mushroom clouds across the landscape, at least my conscience will be clear that I didn't vote for him or the other non-choice either.

God Help Us All!


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I hate birthdays!



Hating birthdays may be weird, because the alternative to growing older is not so great. LOL

Anyhow this week, I will turn 45 years old. I am now an old middle aged lady. I have grey hair and
walk with a walker. I look 60 something. I feel like 80 something. I still feel 21 inside. 

That is the age you are suppose to have yourself together. I don't. I still live in a semi-crumbling apartment and I'm still extremely broke. My career is gone defunct. I live this weird eccentric housebound life of genteel[?] poverty with dabbling in the arts and stamp collection holding far higher places then normal people. While others my age have great careers, and go on vacations, and have children or grandchildren, sometimes I feel like I will crack up looking too long at my burnt up crater of a life.

If I wasn't a Christian, I would not make it. Knowing God, and the hope of heaven and asking God to help me put one foot in front of the other is the only fuel that keeps me going. I hope God is not upset when I say life to me has been a disappointment though I try to be thankful for the small stuff.

Aging is hard enough for normal people. How is someone like me supposed to cope with it? No one 500lbs expects to grow old. I mean it's good I am still alive, so don't take that wrong. However the fatness alone and all the health problems always makes me feel like time is running out, and I've been on the edge of the abyss since age 28. That's a long time. It's been like running a marathon on the side of a cliff.

My husband says "every year you are here is a gift". I do wish I had more resources to live life with more choices, more being able to do for others, being able to see friends from out of state. Getting some living in as it feels like time is running out. Do you know what I mean? With the kidney stuff, time could be growing short, my body is collapsing system by system.

One asks themselves as they grow old, "Did my life mean anything?" 

Childhood Obesity Linked to Emotional Issues



Childhood Obesity Linked to Emotional Issues

Depression and stress itself can lead to weight gain, but what about the bullying and the stigma?

I am not sure how they plan to deal with this problem.

The researchers said the findings suggest there are extensive and complex interactions between body composition and emotions during child development.
“The early identification of children at risk of developing these combinations of physical and mental health problems may enable interventions that can help to prevent progression to more serious physical and mental health problems in later life,” said Professor Mark Wahlqvist, the senior author of the study.

I remember all the bullying I got as the fat kid in school, there of course would be physical and emotional problems that would come about from this. One thing that stands out to me is the thinner years vs. the fatter years, I got near normal around 7th grade though I was still Amazonian and life was night and day. Fat children are blamed, but then you think about all the stress and stigma coming at such a young age and what is that going to do to a person?

"Conspiracy Theory"



Conspiracy Theory

Fierce Fatties explores the theories about fat....
"Do you know what came onto the farming scene about 23 years before that report came out? Monsanto’s genetically-modified crops. I’m not talking about crops that were now drought resistant by selective breeding or cross breeding, I mean crops that could never mutate on their own made into -icide resistant or -icide producing plants (e.g., herbicide, pesticide). I mean plants that had their DNA drastically altered and plants that were never tested in any long-term studies except for the ongoing study done on the public by companies that stand to profit from said plants. Monsanto has gone to great lengths to suppress or make illegal any study done on their crops; however, studies that have been done do not show good results. However, it’s not like we can dodge these crops. Monsanto controls 93% of soybean crops, 86% of corn crops, 93% of cotton crops, and 93% of canola seed crops in the United States alone. Corn and soy and their derivatives make up 40% of the typical American’s daily diet."

Hey let's break it down, something more is going on....

Can they tell the world anymore, that everyone is an overeating glutton when the numbers of people getting fat is so large? People are not just plumping up a little bit, they are getting FAT! I almost died because doctors would not believe WHY I was gaining weight. Even now the battle is on to get to the core root of the kidney stones, and why am I having to deal with so many limited thinkers? I had not just dozens of the things but HUNDREDS when added it up. I have told them my theories but no one is investigating or nod their heads and give me medicines that deal with the immediate problem but explore no further. I even read the other day parathyroid problems which I have had, create kidney stones. Am I crazy to say "Get to the root cause!?" I'm tired, one does not expect mouth breathers among the medical profession. One even told me, "you are very smart", but then I think "Why do you NOT listen?" The guy who coined this saying affected medicine in some averse ways... "When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses not zebras".[2]" But you see they have been trained to focus on the lower common denominators, so when a zebra passes by, they miss it.  




Well with OBESITY, the zebras are IN YOUR FACE.


At least there are a few scientists thinking and saying, hey when 40% or MORE of a population is rapidly fattening up, more is going on then everyone just waking up and deciding to be a bunch of fat overeating pigs!

Part of the dumbing down of our society includes this limited thinking, this not exploring things further, taking the experts, often who have their own agendas in the mix and their words for granted.

For example, look over there, as America decides to enter another war it cannot afford.

Did you know Cheney and pals listed Syria along with Libya and a few other countries even when Bush came along? Is it by chance they have ended up all on the "war list"? Iran was listed too, just so you know. Which side are we on again? Ah, some may call you crazy, but they made their plans known years ago in "Project for a New American Century". Obama is just the puppet. You think he cares about our declining infrastructure and collapsing economy as he has this country enter another would be war? Hey some will scream "Tin-hatter!" and they often have about 9-11 long ago. Same for obesity. Same for our crooked banking and financial system as they print money that has no backing. Same for a wide variety of other topics. America is going to be paying a high price for it's descent into Idiocracy and controlled thinking.

The thinking about obesity is CONTROLLED just like everything else....

As I have written here...

"Seeing Through the Obesity Lies"

"Even in the fat world, we got the two sides just like we have the two fake parties advancing globalism and the dismantling of the America economy when it comes to obesity we have "the good cop" side of extreme "size acceptance"--"learn to love your fat, accept your new fat reality and be happy about it" vs. the "bad cop" Diet industrial complex: "You obese people are lazy sloths and gluttons and responsible for your horrible bodies gone amuck!".

 Yes, I do feel like the lone voice out there though there are some supporters and those who think the way I do, our point of view isn't getting the dominant air play. I guess well because there's no one to profit from it. And while there are some sincere researchers who make an occasional appearance who want to get to the root of the obesity problem and actually HELP people, I dare say there are many who will NEVER ALLOW this to happen. Some can cry 'conspiracy theory", but I always found that the most silliest of terms, as if conspiracies are not exposed nightly on our news, where corruption and greed rule?"


I posted this comment to the Fierce Fatties:

I hate the term conspiracy theory, while there is a lot of nonsense out there, they have trained society like Pavlovian Dogs to shut down their minds once someone starts screaming about the tin-hatters. Critical thinking gets side stepped because no one wants to be “embarrassed” or called “crazy” and it tells to people step back in line right to the status quo. There is a lot that our media lies about as well as the diet industrial complex.

All I know is when American companies, and fast food enters a developing nation, everyone gets fatter! Did everyone suddenly give up their “will-power” and became over-eating gluttons because McDonalds and KFC showed up?

I know on my blog I address these matters quite a bit. The thin people just are less prone to obesity and probably have a mechanism in their bodies, that keeps them from getting fat [agree with the commenter about inflammation] but one thing I have noticed is far more are getting sick and autoimmune disorders. My elderly friends said their daughters and sons were far more sick. Something is going on, people are getting fatter. 

Obesity Conspiracy

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ample Stuff

Wanted to share this link, they have many products special for fat people.

AMPLE STUFF

When American Corporations and Fast Food Move in, Everyone Fattens Up!

You ever notice that world wide?

People always have been enjoying food, and eating, and exercising, its not like everyone woke up the day, that McDonalds, Coca Cola, Burger King and KFC came to town and decided to become fat slugs. So something more is definitely in the works. The "bliss points" and the chemicals are destroying people's bodies and metabolisms in my opinion. Pay special attention to the segment on Mexico and how many soft drinks they are drinking. The "diet" stuff isn't any good either. This is a long one, but thought it would be interesting viewing for this blog!


Why Don't They Study Prader-Willi To Understand Obesity More?

One rare genetic condition which brings out a very slow metabolism and also increased hunger is Prader Willi. I talked about it some on the Christina Corrigan article.







Maybe they can break the code in why people feel hungry [on lesser levels] for food their body does not need. Maybe they can break the code with satiety and metabolism issues to begin with. Hunger is painful and one can tell it with the Prader-Will folks in these videos!

 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Scientists Question The Official Story of 9-11



See Free-Dumb?

Fat Beauty Contests



I saw this on Fierce Fatties
"Thanks to Fat Acceptance, a fat pageant backlash has risen in the past decade in response to the arbitrary thin beauty standard. Ranking fat women in order of beauty was supposed to give fat women hope that they, too, could be seen as beautiful and desirable. 
Whether someone chooses to seek self-acceptance through beauty pageants is completely up to them, as bodily autonomy is one of the central tenets of Fat Acceptance. But a recent short-film documentary has given us a glimpse inside fat beauty pageants and it should give women pause before staking their self-confidence on a sash and crown. 
“There She Is” follows the story of two fat friends, Allison Kopach and Jenny Flores, as they compete in the Miss American Beauties Plus Pageant."
Here is the trailer to the "There She Is" documentary:

There She Is - IndieGoGo Video from There She Is on Vimeo.


Fierce Fatties are right about their concerns about a fat beauty contest.

I hate all beauty contests ranging from the Honey Boo-Boo and Toddlers and Tiaras set all the way to Ms. America. Total meat market objectification of women that helps advance more image obsession in a culture that cares only about looks. Whatever happened to the days where women stood up against this thing and thought character and improving your mind was important too? I wish they'd cancel all of them.

Proverbs 31:30 - Favour [is] deceitful, and beauty [is] vain: [but] a woman [that] feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

While I like to wear a nice, comfortable dress and nail polish on occasion, I always hated the idea of beauty pageants. Make-up, fancy hair styles, heels, I always found this stuff boring though oddly painted nails and fashion always appealed to the artist side of me. That said, how come all these beauty pageant people dress all alike?

I remember in high school, how all the beautiful and thin girls were constantly paraded about, like they didn't get enough attention, love and praise from their families and those surrounding them with homecoming queen contests and the top 20 events at my high school [smart AND BEING BEAUTIFUL required as well] So wonder very few come out of high school with an intact self esteem? What do all these contests do to women who may have more plain or even homely looks?

My family told me I was ugly for being fat over and over, and did a complete number on me. I wasn't ugly, but it was part of the put-downs and overall invalidation and extreme focus on appearance. Development of the mind and intellect was ignored. Don't ask me how someone who read 15 books a week studying everything from history to anthropology for fun got born into such a family but it happened to me!  Looks were the focus of my upbringing after all I was there to bring narcissistic supply via looks and achievement, and when I turned out to be a fat nerd instead that got very ill, I didn't fill the desired role.

Before I went no contact due to their abuse, on a social websites, I saw the matriarch and others, all taking smiling pictures standing next to thin relatives including cousins of mine that I seem to share no DNA with, as they are so thin no fat would dare to stick to their bones. I never saw the same kind of photos with fatter relatives, which by the way include cousins that seemed to have skyrocketed from weighing in the low 200s all the way up to the upper 300s. I noticed the thin ones were preferred by far.  It said a lot to me. Also too if you are poor or lack money for fancy clothes, grooming, hair-dos, etc, this focus on looks can even be more painful.

I am working now on rejecting a long list of expectations, I did not meet and have worked for years to survive emotionally replacing them with my own expectations and what God desires over those  I was taught. Women as a whole in our society suffer enough from the YOU MUST BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL MATRIX. I suppose having a subset of "YOU MUST BE FAT AND BEAUTIFUL isn't much different. Stay midsized for the decent fashions and make sure your face retains enough beauty and no lymphedema legs allowed! Ah the irony!

I don't post pictures here for various reasons, but I am not an ugly person. My body is scary and the stuff of nightmares even size wise, but not everything came out bad and horrible. I've been hit on in the street, with a man here and there asking me out or complimenting me. The latest time, was a two years ago sitting in front of the public library. Hey a few nice voices among all the "Hey you are fat and ugly messages", can feel like a relief. There's more men attracted to fat women out there then you'd know and in my case being married I did not want their attention. Now I've gotten older and no men [not closet fat admirers] are going to go running after the "walker" set. I'm shy anyway and don't feel like stuttering out, "Thanks but I am married". 

I had people in a support group the other day tell me, that "you are a beautiful woman", I did end up with a "pretty face", which got better looking with age ironically, but even praise like that makes me feel "funny" because so much of life was spent being abused for "looking" the wrong way! I don't want physical attractiveness to be what gives me worth or anyone else for that matter! It's a prison, one that even for the ones who get it, eventually is lost in age, and focuses on the shallow.

I told my friends and others the best thing for women as a whole would be to escape "the beauty prison" and not look back! If there is anything I hate about being female, is this whole focus on looks, just the way my personality works, my interest in life was more focused on developing the mind. Men seem to have a certain freedom, I always have envied, while looks matter to a point with them too in this society it is not all encompassing.  Old school feminists used to rally against this stuff, but the new school ones, it's all about looks now.



Hmm it looks like fat beauty contests are not something new. These women are barely fat by today's standards, more along the lines of being PLUMP!



Anyhow one thing about beauty contests and the rest, I am tired of a person of this age and experience, being tested, measured, compared, and all the endless expectations. Women suffer from the beauty prison fat and thin. 

Beauty on the Inside?

The Body Isn't Everything!

King of Saudia Arabia Orders Treatment for Severely Fat Young Man



Forklift helps 1,300-pound Saudi man get to hospital for obesity treatment

I've read obesity rates in Saudia Arabia and Dubai too are skyrocketing. Why have obesity rates since 1990 increased 100% in the Middle East? Modern food companies and fast food restaurants moving there?

Dubai is so desperate to fight their obesity crisis they have offered gold for weight loss!

"Dubai Promises Gold Award To Fight Against Obesity DUBAI, Aug 19 (Bernama) -- The Dubai government has launched a "lose weight - win gold" campaign to fight overweight and obesity, which has reached epidemic levels in the emirate, Xinhua news agency reported, citing local media report on Sunday.
Dubbed "Your Weight in Gold", the initiative was announced by Director General of Dubai Municipality, Hussain Nasser Lootah, late July with the aim of promoting healthy living in the state city.
"The winners will get 2g of gold if they lose at least 2kg of weight," Lootah promised.
In addition, the three participants who lose the most weight may get a gold coin equivalent to 20,000 Dirham (US$5,454) through a lucky draw. Hundreds of residents have flocked to sign up for the challenge.
According to a study conducted by the United Arab Emirates' Ministry of Health, almost 19 per cent of males and 12 per cent of females in the kingdom are overweight, while about 21.5 and 19.5 per cent of males and females, respectively are found to be obese.
Obesity is a general problem in oil-rich Gulf States where people increasingly depend on fast-food diets.

Weight Loss, and Fat Camps





I found this what looks like to be an enjoyable fat camp even for women but it's for those with big bucks. A week at this place costs over $2400 dollars and a month over $8,000. I guess if you are rich, and or just won the Lotto, you could go sign up. I sometimes used to dream of the Lotto and then being able to hire a doctor to figure me out, one multimillion dollar Powerball, and I could have had endocrinologist right on staff and an organic chef cooking all three meals a day. I'd go to this place or one like it. Maybe it would help give one a boost? But then I probably know most of the health stuff they would teach What would they think of me unable to exercise without bloating up? Already eating organic cereal in the morning? Already basically a GMO-grease-processed snack food avoiding would be "foodie"? And seeing no results? But hey they at least look like they promote a degree of health which is always good. Spas always have seemed to be an interesting thing to me. Like a vacation that helps you become healthier.

For my wealthier readers here's a few other fat camps:

American's Top 10 Weight Loss Resorts

I knew about this program at Duke too.

For folks of my caliber many do go into "nursing homes" or other rehab centers, think Brookhaven. I figure as long as I can walk, I do not want to do this. My goal in life is to avoid the nursing home, but I do wish I could afford more intense help. I really need some folks who are around me for a long period of time, to assess the health problems, eating habits--how on earth am I maintaining so much weight, and my challenges in the exercise. My doctors do admit and accept many of those challenges including the metabolic ones, but the problem I am facing is what do I do now? Even with exercise, and yesterday I cleaned my apt, including mopping and wiping down counters, doing it the slow but steady way, with more to do today, and my walking, but bloating like crazy for every movement I make. The word "frustration" doesn't even begin to describe it.

I wish there was more help for fat people out there, besides just for the very wealthy or a "nursing home". A lot of people do judge you, what if you say, but "I am trying my best and getting nowhere?" It's scary.  Maybe one of these places could help someone who can afford it.

Obese people aren't greedy - they have 'misfiring hormones' which mean they never feel full after eating


On this blog, I have explored the concept of hunger, and how I believe fat people are far hungrier, this is definitely being helped along with the "Bliss points" the corporations are putting in the food but may have other factors such as the toxins and stress of our society. Why is the human body hungry for food it does not need? Why do I wake up with hunger pain so strong I feel like I got run over by a truck and it comes to revisit me every 4-5 hours without pause? It can be after protein or vegetables too.  Lately sometimes I DON'T EVEN WANT TO EAT, I feel annoyed by the trouble of it all, trying to choose, wanting to do other things, but the hunger pain seems to be a harsh task master. Are there any [legal of course] drugs to kill hunger pain? One thing I want to know is why do they tell fat people they are lying when they describe the degree of hunger that they face? They will mither on about "addiction" and "cravings", but would any get the concept that more is going on?

Obese people aren't greedy - they have 'misfiring hormones' which mean they never feel full after eating
Obese people never feel full after eating due to a 'misfiring' hormone, according to a new study.
Researchers found glucagon, a hormone involved in regulating appetite, loses its ability to help obese people feel full after a meal, but it continues to suppress hunger pangs in people with type 1 diabetes.
The primary role of glucagon, which is secreted by the pancreas, is to signal the body to release stored glucose when blood sugar falls too low.
But growing evidence suggests the hormone may also play a role in controlling food intake and feelings of fullness, or satiation, through signalling the body to reduce levels of other appetite hormones such as ghrelin.
The study's lead author, Dr Ayman Arafat of Chariti-University Medicine in Germany, said: 'Once a person becomes obese, glucagon no longer induces feelings of fullness.
'Further research is needed to determine why glucagon no longer suppresses appetite effectively in this population, even though they are otherwise healthy.'
It seems kind of messed up once you are fat, you get hungrier and your GLUCAGON no longer works. Usually the human body seems to have built in loop systems that make up for one another but I have noticed not with obesity? Is this because for most of human history everyone starved?

Try to avoid the comment section, I seem to notice a bit more fat hatred among the English populace, maybe because the fat are rarer there?


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Portlandia "Fat"!

I've watched Portlandia before, this one made me laugh because of the anti-pasta thing, every fat person can relate to this, never let pasta pass your lips! It shows the problems with dieting too....this brought back memories for me especially trying to low-carb it or eat gluten free! LOL


Fat Man Doesn't Fit in Car

I can't understand his accent but this shows how much smaller cars can be for fat people. I am seeing cars more and more that are even SMALLER which makes one ask, why is that happening as people are getting fatter? I dare say they probably are smaller in Europe and Australia then even here...






"We Don't Love You Because You Are Fat": My Shocking Gift




I find myself wondering how many others have faced this. This meme is in reference to dysfunctional relationships.  Part of my recent growth is knowing that love is never going to come except from God and other people who do value me in my life. Sometimes facing harsh realities is part of recovery. Even the guy yelling "Glutton!" at me, would be no match for what my own mind used to scream at me for being fat or daring to eat anything!

The rejection of my entire person hood for being fat was overwhelming but now I know the weight was just a tool for malignant narcissists to scapegoat me and unload everything they loathed about themselves on to me.

How many have faced this out in the world?

One thing I found myself telling a friend, was "They never saw me, they just saw fat and nothing else!"

and sadly that happens to many people in the supersizes and perhaps even others in the midsizes.

Of course if you are a super-sized person that has known true friendship and I have, you can see the black and white difference. Around those who love you, the fat ceases to exist, and while they may understandably have concern for your health, you are "seen" as the person, the soul inside. The minds meet, the conversations flow, and it is a totally different deal. One feels joy, love and happiness around such people. The wall has come down, while with these dysfunctional others that wall is impenetrable. 

I know I have been opening up about some serious abuse when young. While I ran to the therapists when very young, there is more work to be done even at this late age finally facing the truth. That's one thing about life, growing up and seeing through past delusions or false things others told you or you even told yourself.  I saw people destroyed in my family, who never stood up for themselves or were able to stand up for themselves. Totally destroyed, and these were the ones who never "rebelled" or even dared to walk out the door from them.

Isn't the formation of a new narcissist too, a form of destruction? Where they only care about images and what is reflected to them? Where they can't form decent human attachments or even love [in the case of the malignants] ?

I even realize that my values I hold today were formed via God, and books, and not from those who surrounded raised me but many other places, toss in a few good friends and decent teacher here and there, and at least I was able to learn compassion.

I have grown stronger in my decision to have gone no contact. In fact so much so, it may have been the best decision I've ever made in my life. It finally asserted my integrity. I have found myself realizing while life for me has many challenges at least I stood up and said, "NO MORE!"

One thing that a lot of the abuse centered on being fat. It was the nexus it all seemed to revolve around.

When I was young I was not supersized, around age 14 I was maybe around 40lbs overweight, but then I would gain to the mid and upper 200s around the middle of high school and college. Puberty seemed to bring an inability to control my weight. So fat yes, but at nearly 6 feet tall not at the severely obese score.

Here is a picture of me around that time..[age 21]..this is where my weight would hang out for a long long time around age 15-26, there was some minor losses and gains but around the same overall.


Remember I said I was around the same midsized weights for a long time before the HUGE WEIGHT GAIN CAME. High school to my mid 20s, I bounced around the same region. I have pictures of me around the same weight teaching at the juvenile home.

But you would think at the smaller weights I  was a monster according to how I was treated. I was told I was "lazy", "fat", "a pig", "too fat to get a boyfriend", ugly, too big and tall. So many insults were based upon my weight and arranged around it. One time, when I was at the size 22 mark or there abouts, she offered me $1,000 dollars to be thin! "You can do it!", she said. Okay maybe some people would have been motivated but at that point I was using every ounce of confidence and strength I had left within me just to manage my work life and stay out of the hospital from asthma and breathing problems and by that time I was already fighting weight gain from steroids, then fought with 2-3 mile walks which as you all know was a battle I lost in total later on.

In fact I was at my mothers' house last year and they had the old photo albums out, and I was in shock, knowing yes I fit the criteria for obesity, but remembering how I was treated you would have though I had hit super-sized status early on. The photos from age 14, shocked me, I was barely fat, but remember how much weight was focused on. I was not. I was told over and over by my narcissistic parents that I was unworthy for being obese. That I was no good. This abuse was not just every now and then such like if I took an extra serving at a meal but everyday.

That's is why I found this article fascinating...Connection of the cortisol stress factor?

Study: Hating on Fat People Just Makes Them Fatter

Now you can imagine how the treatment got when I had the major weight gain. Things got far far worse. 

I still remember that day, it was during her vacation stop-off I mentioned here during my weight gain, she turned to me, and said "Do you know how fat you are getting?, it is disgusting!". I told her I knew I was sick, and was ignored. Later on she would try to rewrite history and said "We tried to get you help and you ignored it!", but that was a lie, I'm the one that very year who found my own endocrinologist willing to test me for free because I had no health insurance and that was just the hypothyroid piece of the puzzle. How did she expect a person barely able pay the rent on a two room slum apartment to finance a trip of thousands of miles to Rochester MN to go to Mayo?

Then there was the time around 4-5 years later, I had come down from near 700lbs into the 500s where I would stay for far too long. The timing was when I was living in my small town. I sometimes consider putting up pictures of myself now and at high weights but don't feel like seeing a picture of me near 700lbs, with the caption, "world's fattest bride". Online supersized fat people better be careful, pictures are stolen and used even ones where the identities are hidden. 

A shocking gift showed up at the door. 

Around 10 packages of THESE. BIG MAMA UNDIES........



Looks like they are still for sale.....[this was around 2000 or so]

Giant underwear, bought out of a joke catalogue, one of the most fat-hating gags out there. Cheaply made too by the way.

I opened the box, and saw them, and thought, maybe someone nasty had sent me these underwear which were meant to be hung out on clotheslines as a gag but it was my own mother. I would confront her later and she admitted it, saying with a sneer, "Well I thought you would be able to finally have some underwear that fit you! You know how difficult it is at your size!"

Obviously these panties were shaped in a way where they did not fit and were far too huge even for a very super sized woman. By the way even at near 700lbs, I could find specialty underwear that was REAL, no gag gifts required and even find shorts to wear as underwear. They were made for a giant, not just for someone who was fat. There was no warning given that these were going to be mailed to me. No questions of, "OK we know its a gag and don't want to hurt your feelings but know underwear is hard to find!" The box was sent without communication.

It was yet another PUT-DOWN. Another message of "you are unworthy!". I remember crying to myself softly over the box, and then later when she came up with her excuses on the phone, I don't even remember what I said, but she insisted on her "innocence". Back then I wasn't on to things like gaslighting though I knew she was full of it, and pitched all the packages save for one--[I wanted to show them to a friend] right into the trash can.

Early on I knew fat equaled bad. The worse thing with American society is that while life itself is bad enough for the fat, where you are written off as a glutton or deserving your fat, the abusers and rest in society can use obesity and go to town with it. What does one do, when your own family deems you non-acceptable because of your body, your size and more. I consider them non-acceptable now for their wickedness and lack of caring.

Some of you may be wondering, what was your mother's size? She was never hugely fat, but she was never thin, she has ranged from size 16 at the very lowest to averaging around 18-20 and size 22 on the high side. She must have fell asleep in high school during genetics class, since she married a fat man, that was in the 300s. She is not model thin, and some of those years I was attacked for being fat, I was very close to her size though obviously I went well beyond it later.

One thing that can happen to young abused fat girls, is the number of enablers and those who back up the abuse especially abuse that is focused on WEIGHT. I've already mentioned my mother's friend who told me when I was 14, agreeing with her I never would get a boyfriend. I had another one of my mother's friends tell me back in 2001, a life long family friend say to me direct as if a mother's hatred of a daughter was to be valid based on her weight alone, "Your mother never could accept you because you are so overweight and she is right!". Talk about the horrors of staying with someone and you realizing they "don't see you either", they just see fat, just like your family. I ran out of there. One of the enablers even defended the underwear gift. No one defended me. No one stood up for me.

My family never knew me the person, they just saw "fat".

How many does this happen to?

See

My Mother and Me

The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family


Narcissistic Mothers Summed Up


This sums it all up pretty well.

All applies except for the last, mine is well off while I am lower income.


What Do Skinny People Eat?


WHAT DO SKINNY PEOPLE EAT?

Add this to the SKINNY PEOPLE EAT TOO FILES.

I have been to many a church or club dinner and seen them eat cake, fried meat, fried items, desserts, ice cream. I have seen skinny children eat the same amounts as fat children. I thought this was very interesting ASK METAFILTER page because they ask skinny people what do you eat? Some of them obviously tweak their diets, but then so do I.

 To the guy who keeps writing, "You are a glutton and you suck!", I'm not going to post your comments anymore. You haven't listened whatsoever. If you think that helps fat people it does not. You ignore when I have asked why are fat people hungrier? Why do I feel hunger pain every 4-5 hours and why is skipping a meal far harder? In fact, I have discussed  here, what I have to do to avoid weight gain, which means NO FREE EATING. Unless you live with me, you do not know what I am eating or not eating, what I am eating, or WHY I am eating it.

Some sample comments....

"My stick-insect-like 6ft 4in, 165lb husband eats like a toddler. Pizza Rolls, frozen burritos, corn dogs, coffee and cigarettes. (Ok, maybe that last part isn't like the average toddler.) I eat a well-rounded, pretty healthy diet and I weigh about what he does at a foot shorter."

"I'm a 60 yr. old woman, 5'5", 120 lbs. I eat all the time. I also usually exercise a lot: walk for an hour every morning and do yoga a couple of times a week. I don't eat much meat, never eat ice cream, avoid gravies and other rich sauces. I eat a lot of vegetables, both raw and cooked, whole grains and some refined white pasta, a lot of fruit. Nut butters, fish, sea food, some cheese. I drink an occasional beer or glass of wine."

"I am a thin person (5'2", ~100 pounds). I have always been a thin person. Based on my mother's example, I will likely always be a thin person; I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to give advice (but here I go anyway).

 "I eat lots of grains, lots of vegetables, lots of mostly-plant-based proteins. I also eat butter like crazy and drink whole milk; that part might not work for everyone. I exercise often. I stop eating when I'm full. I also like eating when I'm bored; At work, I keep baby carrots and trail mix and saltines around the office to keep my hands busy. When I'm not drinking milk, I drink a lot of water and tea and sometimes lately coffee, but not much juice or soda. I don't usually eat much really sugary or greasy stuff, but when I want them I get them and don't feel guilty about it."


"I love food. Sitting down to a good meal is the favourite part of my day. I eat whatever I like, whenever I like. This doesn't translate into constant junk food, sometimes I feel like a bowl of veggies other times I feel like tim tams. The main thing I've noticed is that I eat while I'm hungry and I stop as soon as I'm not. If there's food still on the plate, then so be it. On the other hand, I've noticed a lot of other people have to finish everything on their plate no matter what because it was how they were raised. I also get hungry more often (not the standard three times a day thing) but I also get full more quickly. I couldn't give any advice per se, I lucked out because of good genetics. It's also led to me being incredibly unfit as I've never felt any kind of societal pressure to exercise. This has led to me being 22 and puffing when I climb up two flights of stairs."

Some things I see common with the thin people....

1. Some are able to  eat-eat when hungry, regular meals and burn off the calories properly. Most of the time this seems to be in conjunction with some exercise and ability to move around or participate in activities at a good clip. Others though admit not exercising. 


2. Many have far better metabolisms. The amount of food described to me in many cases is not that far off the reservation and seems NORMAL.

3. A key ingredient is exercise. I know my inability to breathe well which came before the severe obesity really impacted my weight beyond the already diagnosed. In other words are you burning off what you eat? What happens if your body's nutritional needs or hunger outweigh your ability to burn the food off?

4. Some are resorting to bulimia and very controlled eating.

5. Some of the thin seem to be able to skip meals with less repercussions or dire things with their metabolism. I wish I could skip meals but have failed at this, though one thing I am trying with effort is to DELAY eating, that seems to be a technique to lower some of the calories for the day, ie if I eat lunch at 3pm, there will be no need for a later snack, though sometimes life will get in the way here, company, having an appointment etc. With this, I have had to learn to accept physical hunger pain and deal with it for a matter of hours.

6. Some avoid processed food and focus on fresh.

7. I saw no mention of food insecurity and they seem to be able to "choose" what to eat, but this being the internet granted most would have the economic situations to afford a computer and Internet hook-up. There seemed few that said, "We can't afford the food we need or desire."

New Zealand Tells Man He Is Too Fat to Live There


I wonder what the obesity rates in New Zealand are? Probably pretty low. The man is only in the 200s. Haven't these folks ever heard the saying, "Never Trust a Skinny Chef?" Immigration rules are not applied fairly at all in many nations. It seems strange to me how insane rules are applied to some and not to others. Try marrying someone in America from Europe or Australia and trying to get over here if you are poor or lower income while illegal immigrants pour over our border and then get granted amnesty. I know a couple personally that got divorced because immigration rules in two Western nations prevented them being together. Oh one weird rule no one knows about if you are disabled, even Canada doesn't want you. They barred this one man who was a doctor who had a disabled child.

New Zealand Tells Man He is Too Fat to Live There

"New Zealand has rejected the work visa of a chef who has been living there since 2007, all because he is simply too fat for the small island nation. 

Albert Buitenhuis, who weighs 286 pounds (or 130 kilograms, if you care for that sort of thing), first moved to New Zealand in 2007 from South Africa. He and his wife had no problems renewing their work visas each year, with Albert steadily working as a chef in Christchurch.

But now the couple might be forced to leave their adopted island home, as immigration officials have rejected their work visas after it was found that Albert did not have "an acceptable standard of health." This, coming from a country that has one of the highest rates of obesity in the world.

"We applied year after year and there were no issues," Albert's wife, Marthie, told the BBC. "They never mentioned Albert's weight or his health once and he was a lot heavier then."

Albert has lost over 70 pounds since moving to New Zealand. But the authorities remain unmoved by Buitenhuis's weight loss.

"It is important that all migrants have an acceptable standard of health to minimise costs and demands on New Zealand's health services," New Zealand's immigration minister said, pointing out that Buitenhuis is at a high risk for diabetes and hypertension and should be sent away from the fitness spa/Ubermenschland that is New Zealand."

Monday, August 5, 2013

A Waste of Time


There are plenty of brainwashed individuals in this society proud of their own obtuseness. They think if something worked for them, it will automatically work for you. They deny your reality and invalidate you. I think this sign could apply to many fat people as a whole, or how about in society in general? One thing I try to be careful about wasting time on those who have a hatred for truth and are not seeking of it in any way shape or form, this applies to many facets of life.

The Global Food Supply

They are doing more and more to destroy it: [double click to make larger]


The Plan for the Food Supply
This means that while irradiating food may decrease outbreaks of food-borne illnesses, it will have the unintended consequence of increasing the number of people who get sick from other infections (and chronic diseases) due to the fact that their source of natural medicine has been destroyed. For many Americans, you see, salad greens are their one remaining source for phytonutrients. Given their diets of processed foods, junk foods and cooked foods, there are very few opportunities for these consumers to get fresh, phytonutrient-rich foods into their diet. And now the USDA wants to take that away, too, by mandating the irradiation of all fresh produce.

Let me make a rather obvious prediction, on the record: If the irradiation of fresh produce goes into effect in the United States, rates of infection among consumers will sharply increase, not decrease, due to the removal of immune-boosting natural medicine from the food supply. Consumers will also experience higher rates of cancer, heart disease, dementia, eye disorders, diabetes and even obesity. By destroying these thousands of healing phytonutrients, irradiation will leave many consumers defenseless against modern society's many health challenges.

It is no exaggeration to say that a policy of mass irradiation of fresh produce is as blatantly stupid as the Romans building their aqueducts with lead-lined waterways. As historians have explained, after the aqueducts were built, the water delivered to the Roman population was contaminated with lead -- a heavy metal that causes numerous health problems, including insanity. Many historians blame the lead-lined aqueducts as one of the primary reasons why the Roman Empire fell: Its leaders went mad, and the rest is history.

I would argue that America's leaders are already mad, but that's beside the point. If we start irradiating our food, thereby destroying its nutritional value, we are going to unleash a cascade of unintended consequences even greater than the Roman's aqueducts. Absent the protections of phytonutrients found in plants, the health of most consumers will rapidly decline, and we'll see the U.S. thrust into a quagmire of chronic disease and medical bankruptcy. (It's already heading there, of course, but killing the food supply will only accelerate the downward spiral of health.)

I know when I eat the bagged salad greens sprayed with chlorine, I get sick, I can't digest them. It means illness and lots of time in the bathroom without getting graphic. Eat greens at a organic foodie restaurant, where they are fresh and non-sprayed, they digest just fine. So I know it is not my imagination. They are doing things to food that are destroying our health. I believe that low nutrition can even lead to obesity. That is a fact.

Invalidation!





It's been a theme on this blog.

Adult children of Narcissists are more then familiar with invalidation!

This is where what you say is ignored, mocked, censored, not valued, not listened to and worse!
My life as a child of narcissists was spent not being listened to and being told that all my feelings and emotions were invalid. "You don't really feel that way", "Nothing happened like that!", with plenty of gaslighting and worse in the mix. It's like being abused and being told to keep the smile on your face.

I think about the whole supersized obesity thing. Often being this fat is like being out in space, screaming with no one to hear you. Remember the saying "If a Tree Falls in a Forest Will It Make A Sound?" Everyone makes assumptions about you when you are this size. That you are lazy, that you have choose it, that you must go into the kitchen and scoop food into your face like a pig and how dare you for eating more calories then you burn even if your metabolism is sludge, and every day of your life, you have to spend hours with the stomach growling to hold back any eating to keep the calorie count low enough so you do not gain weight. You watch skinny people with smiles on their faces eat cookies, cake, and ice cream cones while you feel even worse about yourself.  They tell you to do all these things that SIMPLY DO NOT WORK!

Oh and to the "everything is a choice" crowd, forget it! That is what the elites love to tell the poor to keep them in their self-blaming cages as they send all the jobs overseas. That New Age "you choose your destiny" clap-trap is not going to fly here. I believe people should do what they can. This is why I walk even with the pain and knowing I will bloat up. This is why I have not given up, but your philosophies merely have put more pain on people and taken an erasure to any would-be empathy!

I think about how the entire world has ganged up NOT to listen to anyone who is fat. How fat people as a whole especially in the supersizes are ignored and how their reality is not LISTENED TO. What does this do to an entire group of people over a long span of time? Especially for a condition where a bunch of smug types think they are morally superior to you?

"Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:
We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
We are ignored
We are judged
We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel"
The invalidation of fat people as a whole is why the "fight against the obesity epidemic" is failing. if the default position is that all fat people are liars, whose going to be listened to in that senario? Again I ask, why isn't anyone dealing with the increased hunger or even desire for food? Even a few of the honest have admitted the corporations are putting addictive BLISS points in food. Get a clue people, when 40% of the population is fat and many more are joining them, you can't claim everyone is an overeating human trash can! You have invalidated people.


Friday, August 2, 2013

Graphic Novel


LOL Guess who that is?

I am working on a graphic novel. It is going to be about my life, and deal with life as a very fat woman. I have a cartoon character I have worked on for 20 years. This may sound different but I kept my journals and diaries in graphic form. We are talking 20 books of cartoon happenings I am collating. There is a cartoon version of me, and of people I know. Hey remember I used to be an art teacher!  I am a fan of graphic novels and have read endless of them. This is not super-heros stuff, but graphic novels like Blankets, Fun Home. Jimmy Corrigan, though in my own style. I wish I knew more graphics programs but figured I'll do it, old school drawing and inking on Bristol Boards, and see where it goes.

Can One Still Smile in The Supersizes?



[cite for photo]
Sometimes I don't know what to do. One can't even enjoy a healthy meal when one is this fat thinking, "Why am I eating at all?" The other day I got angry thinking what kind of set up is this?, that I feel such intense hunger pain, why can't the stupid body just use the fat up that is already on it. My weight loss efforts are failing so badly, I consider eating disorders like bulimia--not to throw up a mountain of food but just a basic dinner and trying to skip meals, and well have failed at both. Making healthy salads, nothing happens. Eating all lean meats, nothing happens. Snacking on fruits and vegetables-nothing. Some say give up all bread and carbs, tried that it just made my sugar sky rocket, some say eat only veggies and fruit, some say try this diet, try this one. All the fancy food costs a lot though over the last few years I learned to cut more of the processed out and obtain fruits and vegetables from stands. My diet is not that bad. This morning I will eat a bowl of organic low sugar cereal with almond milk, a salad or turkey sandwich with cup of tomato soup for lunch, a casserole made with veggies, and quinoa tortillas and a little bit of vegan cheese for dinner. Why has this happened to me?

I can see why the size acceptance minions, "give up" because trying to chase the weight loss dragon, does make you depressed and hate yourself.  It's not happening here. It's a joke. I am always hungry, pushing meals back to lower calories for the day. The hunger pains are nuts. Seriously. Satiety issues to the max. Not psychological stuff.  Remember I know even normal amounts of food can make me FATTER.  There is NO regular pizza, fried chicken, pork chops in my world. I'm like one of those women at size 0 not wanting to be a size 3. Don't end up 600lbs instead of 500lbs! I want to ignore it. What do thin people eat?

The body like that fat kid on Simpsons goes HA HA HA, as it turns your dreams to toast. Everyone assumes a level of control that is not there. At this age, I am deemed a "failure" for not losing weight. I don't know what I weigh now, it could be the high 400s or low 500s. I do know the water weight has gone crazy, I'm off a heart and hormone drug to dissolve a giant kidney stone with another drug and avoid life threatening kidney surgery. I can still breathe and have taken extra water pills, so I'm hanging in there but as the body bloats it feels like it is telling me to screw off.

So much pressure, always feeling like every domino is going to collapse. So many pills to take, so many health problems to manage. I am approaching nursing home levels of care and can tell my efforts to keep myself alive have surpassed what I had to do even as a short time nursing aide for other disabled people when I was young. So much life lost. This is worse then terminal cancer, hate to say it but it is. Some people may beg to differ but at least if you have cancer, you don't wake up everyday feeling the self blame and the cloud of judgment. I feel like I am dying lately, of course I have felt like I was dying since the age of 29, and the weight gain hit it's peak. Maybe my crazy hormones are making me melodramatic, but I have a lot on my plate.

The Spirolactadone that held back the androgens and testosterone, I'm feeling those affects,sometimes having to take two showers a day, I am so greasy and oily, starting to look mannish again. Weepy at the drop of a hat, like I have perpetual PMS though I have not had but one period this entire year.

The other day I went to a festival, you know one with organic farm food and flea market stuff, a thin person would have considered that an easy jaunt across a very large parking lot but for me it was a long walk, I traversed it three times, hanging out there with husband, using my walker, getting the gloried "exercise". It was fun, and I did alright at the time. What happened but that I bloated up like crazy, and ended up in bed. The pain in legs was horrible. I have noticed this very bad development with exercise. I plan to go out today which will include some walking, I want to be alive and live life you know when I can--the weather is great this week, but will be punished and know it ahead of time.



I am in pain all the time, having to smile bravely, fight so my left leg doesn't rot off, my neck feels like it is crumbling and cracks every minute--some of that osteoporosis they warned me about, my hands go numb now even trying to type. I have thrush again from my steroid inhaler. My hair is thinning against massively, it has not grown in 8 years! The stupid body never has worked right. They just did a heart test on me that I am worried about.

How does one stay happy among all this? The false dreams of weight loss have hovered over my head. Even to have managed 400 or 300lbs would have been miraculous in opposition body I got saddled with. I know 300 and 400lb people who can still have lives though there are difficulties.
Maybe some would tell me to cool it, you still have a life though there are big challenges. One thing I try to tell myself and this may sound nutty, is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WORSE OFF THEN YOU, and to me that means, there are probably at least 5,000 severely fat people in bed who can't get out of there in America.



I wanted answers so so long and only got some though the doctors I have admit the metabolic problems. If I don't eat at all, trust me I tried that too, I get sick. I just wanted a happy life and to be able to do things. Normal people with their normal bodies live in another existence. Their thin bodies that work right don't even look like mine.

What gets me is the people who think this is all a choice, do A, B and C, and supposed RESULTS are supposed to follow. I get a parade of those jerks who comment on here, who try to claim that I want to be 500lbs. That I am "lazy", "irresponsible", and that I have gotten my just desserts. Add in a family that rejected me for being overweight and told me basically I was scum before I got the guts to walk away from them, and this is not a good picture for someone psychologically.

Yes in America, supposedly we all have choices and are responsible for everything that happens. This body is supposedly wholly my fault, you know the one, I had to fight to stay alive from and get myself down from 700lbs. I was at support group for fat women and broke out crying yesterday, I said, "I just do not know what to do anymore, I am tired" They were supportive and hugged me, they are very nice women. One thing they said to me is, "you are a very beautiful woman".  That was nice to hear. It made me wonder how do people see me, because they seemed emphatic about this and not just telling me something to cheer me up.  They have good ideas like getting chamomile tea to relax.

But what should I do? Is there a hospital I could check myself in? I looked for one but everything was nursing homes, where you have to be not able to walk and in even worse condition [God help those people!] and my main perogative in life is to STAY OUT OF THE NURSING HOME.

Explore genetic counseling? Yes I am considering other problems, my  physical hunger levels and metabolism are so crazy. There are spas for the wealthy to go into to lose weight. I am eating normal meals, so the addiction crowd isn't going to do much for me. I ate last night for dinner and haven't eaten yet today. My stomach is growling even as I write this. I plan all meals ahead of time of what I am going to eat for the day. I've had to do this for years. Something has been so wrong and is wrong. I found some of the answers, but I am tired. I am tired of suffering. [yes I know cry, sniffle, whine, wah! etc] Tired of trying to figure it all out.

Doesn't health lie in feeling "good" and seeing after "positive" stuff? I took one doctor's advice, who admitted my serious metabolic problems to try and live life the best I could, with what I had. I remained disabled but made that my main focus. I am not sure how to emotionally handle this stuff. I feel like I have tried my best, but the years worth of being a super-fat woman [the lowest on the totem pole] in American society have definitely taken their toll.

Oh well how do I manage without losing my mind? I have my ways, but my body is not my friend!