Tuesday, August 27, 2013
I hate birthdays!
Hating birthdays may be weird, because the alternative to growing older is not so great. LOL
Anyhow this week, I will turn 45 years old. I am now an old middle aged lady. I have grey hair and
walk with a walker. I look 60 something. I feel like 80 something. I still feel 21 inside.
That is the age you are suppose to have yourself together. I don't. I still live in a semi-crumbling apartment and I'm still extremely broke. My career is gone defunct. I live this weird eccentric housebound life of genteel[?] poverty with dabbling in the arts and stamp collection holding far higher places then normal people. While others my age have great careers, and go on vacations, and have children or grandchildren, sometimes I feel like I will crack up looking too long at my burnt up crater of a life.
If I wasn't a Christian, I would not make it. Knowing God, and the hope of heaven and asking God to help me put one foot in front of the other is the only fuel that keeps me going. I hope God is not upset when I say life to me has been a disappointment though I try to be thankful for the small stuff.
Aging is hard enough for normal people. How is someone like me supposed to cope with it? No one 500lbs expects to grow old. I mean it's good I am still alive, so don't take that wrong. However the fatness alone and all the health problems always makes me feel like time is running out, and I've been on the edge of the abyss since age 28. That's a long time. It's been like running a marathon on the side of a cliff.
My husband says "every year you are here is a gift". I do wish I had more resources to live life with more choices, more being able to do for others, being able to see friends from out of state. Getting some living in as it feels like time is running out. Do you know what I mean? With the kidney stuff, time could be growing short, my body is collapsing system by system.
One asks themselves as they grow old, "Did my life mean anything?"