Since I have gone no contact, I have had to spend a lot of time building myself back up. It has occurred to me that the people who demanded certain things of a very chronically ill woman, were morally insane. They really didn't care about any true betterment of my situation, they wanted to use me to make themselves feel better. Narcissists and other toxics enjoy knocking others down, it's what they do. I also realized that nothing ever was going to be good enough for these people. I didn't want to waste another breathe trying to please these types or convince them.
Their criticisms were used as a battering ram on me. With many of the toxic, criticism of you will never end. We are wasting our time trying to convince them we are decent people or to treat us like human beings, the only answer is to walk. JADE is something every ACON needs in their tool box. We don't have to have our lives ruined trying to get the unloving to love us. Once a toxic is discerned, ones main prerogative should be to GET AWAY but JADE can help us until we can run for the hills.
"A Gift from a friend - "JADE"
by Quercus, via Kara, via Dee, from whomever first coined the term
"JADE is an acronym for four things one must never engage in during a conversation (most likely an argument) with a narcissistically-disordered person.
is for "Justify". Justifying our actions, our boundaries, our decisions will not bring us any good. All the information given to the Narcissist during our kind and generous attempts to justify our standpoints will be catalogued in their minds for future use. Factoids none of us would think important will be spin-doctored into weapons to be used against us.
Perhaps worst of all, justification is really an appeal to them. We're appealing to them for their understanding, which, as we all know, they'll gleefully deny us! Justification makes us look weak, not thoughtful and open. Just weak. And weakness is something the Narcissist loves to exploit. "Because I said so" might seem like a rotten thing to say, but it's really your only option other than silence. Don't justify anything - your decisions are yours. You don't need to show your paper-trail. The decision is final.
is for "Argue". I'm not sure if Narcissists qualify automatically as the world's best debaters (in fact, I'm sure they'd almost all get chucked out of formal debates for over-stepping the bounds and going straight into personal attacks!), but I challenge you to think of a Malignant Narcissist who wasn't argumentative . . . and good at it.
As for the Narcissists in my family, I know I can't beat them at an argument. At least, even when I think I've really hammered a point home eloquently and brilliantly (and I'm waiting for the resounding applause from the imaginary courtroom of supporters to echo loudly in my ears!), I find that, somehow, my cunning bit of logic and air-tight reasoning has been circumvented. And typically it wasn't countered or disproved - it was mocked and ridiculed. You could be the world's greatest debater, you could even be a seasoned defense attorney and have rousing speeches flowing out of you like molasses in august, and you will 'lose' to the Narcissist. It's because 'they're never wrong', even when you can prove it. So don't argue.
is for "Defend". Just like "Argue" above, you can construct such an air-tight case and deliver it, real tears and all, expecting their human heart to melt and their hard-line to waver, even ever so slightly, in response to your logical, honest case and your emotional plea. While this would probably work out as expected in the society of normal human beings, the Narcissist isn't a normal human being. They are closer to a monster, a psychopath (indeed, some of them are legitimately sociopathic!), than your average Joe. There's no point in making your case, there's no point in standing up for yourself and defending your cause in their presence - they'll jump all over you like kids in an inflatable bouncy castle! Start back-peddling, begin to reach a 'compromise', or react to a feeling of guilt, and they'll pounce. Your defensiveness is their gain; once you start making concessions or you panic and get 'defensive', they'll go in for the kill. Don't get defensive - let them accuse you of what they will. There's a reason the Bible calls Satan "The Accuser". Let the Divine defend you - just don't try it yourself!
is for "Explain". Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anytime you try to appeal to a Narcissist, you will lose. Monsters don't care if you're hurting (in fact, they like it!). They don't want to hear your case, they won't agree with it no matter what you say, and the more information you give them, the more ammunition they have to throw back in your face. And I wouldn't even say that - not all of their attacks are face-to-face: we're talking proximity mines, IED's, flying monkeys that serve (in this analogy) as 'suicide bombers'. All the ammo here will generally be harvested from your carefully-worded, thoughtful explanations. "I" statements, arguably the most useful conversation skill anyone could ever master, are completely lost on them. They don't care about anything, and your deliberate, thoughtful explanations to get them to understand and accept your position are only going to end up hurting you later in the form of figurative incendiary devices. They probably already know your position, so don't bother trying to explain it - they'll never, ever accept it, out of principle. Even if you're 100% right and they know it, they will not accept it. Save your breath and provide them no new ammunition in the war."
"JADE is an acronym for four things one must never engage in during a conversation (most likely an argument) with a narcissistically-disordered person.
is for "Justify". Justifying our actions, our boundaries, our decisions will not bring us any good. All the information given to the Narcissist during our kind and generous attempts to justify our standpoints will be catalogued in their minds for future use. Factoids none of us would think important will be spin-doctored into weapons to be used against us.Perhaps worst of all, justification is really an appeal to them. We're appealing to them for their understanding, which, as we all know, they'll gleefully deny us! Justification makes us look weak, not thoughtful and open. Just weak. And weakness is something the Narcissist loves to exploit. "Because I said so" might seem like a rotten thing to say, but it's really your only option other than silence. Don't justify anything - your decisions are yours. You don't need to show your paper-trail. The decision is final.
is for "Argue". I'm not sure if Narcissists qualify automatically as the world's best debaters (in fact, I'm sure they'd almost all get chucked out of formal debates for over-stepping the bounds and going straight into personal attacks!), but I challenge you to think of a Malignant Narcissist who wasn't argumentative . . . and good at it.As for the Narcissists in my family, I know I can't beat them at an argument. At least, even when I think I've really hammered a point home eloquently and brilliantly (and I'm waiting for the resounding applause from the imaginary courtroom of supporters to echo loudly in my ears!), I find that, somehow, my cunning bit of logic and air-tight reasoning has been circumvented. And typically it wasn't countered or disproved - it was mocked and ridiculed. You could be the world's greatest debater, you could even be a seasoned defense attorney and have rousing speeches flowing out of you like molasses in august, and you will 'lose' to the Narcissist. It's because 'they're never wrong', even when you can prove it. So don't argue.
is for "Defend". Just like "Argue" above, you can construct such an air-tight case and deliver it, real tears and all, expecting their human heart to melt and their hard-line to waver, even ever so slightly, in response to your logical, honest case and your emotional plea. While this would probably work out as expected in the society of normal human beings, the Narcissist isn't a normal human being. They are closer to a monster, a psychopath (indeed, some of them are legitimately sociopathic!), than your average Joe. There's no point in making your case, there's no point in standing up for yourself and defending your cause in their presence - they'll jump all over you like kids in an inflatable bouncy castle! Start back-peddling, begin to reach a 'compromise', or react to a feeling of guilt, and they'll pounce. Your defensiveness is their gain; once you start making concessions or you panic and get 'defensive', they'll go in for the kill. Don't get defensive - let them accuse you of what they will. There's a reason the Bible calls Satan "The Accuser". Let the Divine defend you - just don't try it yourself!is for "Explain". Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anytime you try to appeal to a Narcissist, you will lose. Monsters don't care if you're hurting (in fact, they like it!). They don't want to hear your case, they won't agree with it no matter what you say, and the more information you give them, the more ammunition they have to throw back in your face. And I wouldn't even say that - not all of their attacks are face-to-face: we're talking proximity mines, IED's, flying monkeys that serve (in this analogy) as 'suicide bombers'. All the ammo here will generally be harvested from your carefully-worded, thoughtful explanations. "I" statements, arguably the most useful conversation skill anyone could ever master, are completely lost on them. They don't care about anything, and your deliberate, thoughtful explanations to get them to understand and accept your position are only going to end up hurting you later in the form of figurative incendiary devices. They probably already know your position, so don't bother trying to explain it - they'll never, ever accept it, out of principle. Even if you're 100% right and they know it, they will not accept it. Save your breath and provide them no new ammunition in the war."
No amount of facts or reasoning can convince those who choose to remain willfully ignorant. I wish I had figured this Narc agenda years ago, it would have saved me so much heartache. They manipulate every one around you to betray you. And they STEAL your inheritance on top of it. LONG before you realize you are not dealing with normal human beings. My family (Mother) was more subtle and sneaky about it than yours. They were kind of like politicians (poli-ticks=many bloodsuckers),in that they would flatter me on the surface rather than verbally cut me down most of the time, but their actions behind the scenes and arrogant belittling attitude toward me was diametrically opposite of their false flattery. I remember when my beloved paternal grandfather died suddenly in the hospital (from being given the wrong medication by a negligent nurse) and my "Mother" (ugh) called me up (she NEVER called me, it was MY job to call HER, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!), to tell me my Grandad died. She sounded GLEEFUL when she told me! She sounded JOYFUL! And this was just shortly after another betrayal where she stuck a dagger deep in my back while sounding all "nice" about it. My mother was (and is) the most COVERT SNEAKY BITCH you can possibly imagine. She has everyone fooled into thinking she is a SAINT, and poor, overweight, diabetic pitiful woman who wouldn't hurt a fly. .(Narcs come in all shapes and sizes) She knew I would be heartbroken when my Grandaddy died because he was one of only 2 people in my family who loved me (my Grandmother the other one) that she had not been able to turn against me and this was years before I figured out just what a monster I had for mother. But it cut deep and still does. One Narc mother does untold damage to the psyches of her family, especially the Scapegoat. I am still trying to heal from all the firey darts shot into my back when I didn't even know I was in a war. She was so sneaky that she turned my non narc da into her bully and got him to say all the nasy sarcastic things to my face while she pretended to be the Saint, but was working her web behind the scenes to make sure I ended up with nothing and my golden child brother got it all, which is how it worked out for her. I always knew something was VERY VERY wrong with my family. I would just write it off as "dysfunctional" but I knew deep inside it was much worse. There were so many small cruelties hidden behind a smirk or disguised as humor sarcsasm . They trained me to hate myself and self sabotage in a very cover subtle fashion. I have never told anyone except my husband but I have struggled with self mutilation (I actually HIT myself HARD on my head over and over) sometimes with my hands and fists sometimes with objects when I feel all the shame and rage that was dumped on me. I am still struggling with this. It is so hard. They really do a number on us Scapegoats. I have to say Peep, you really have wonderful ability of putting into words what we have all experienced in various degrees. Our experiences are not identical but there is definitely an underlying theme that is the same for all of us. I am very thankful for people like you who have the ability to write about these things in a way that makes it CRYSTAL clear to anyone with eyes to see.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had learned about narcs far younger too. I used to read psychopathology for fun, but then learning about narcissism is limited even in that world. They do manipulate everyone around us to betray us. I am treated like radioactive poison even by the LC crowd, oh they aren't rude and don't say anything but there is this HESITATION. She's told them all I'm nuts that's why and they believe it. I suspect even the other Aspies--yeah there's one cousin's child and my HFA nephews will have me blackballed in their eyes. Yeah they steal what is not nailed down. Consider I am going to FREE community Thanksgiving meals, my budget has hit such a low point this month, and food pantries and my mother inherited near almost or over 1 million from her insurance payouts and more when my father died. So think about that one. She will be scarfing down Red Lobster this week. I am sure if she knew of my taking "charity" she would mock me. Yeah so we don't know we are not dealing with normal human beings until our lives have been ravaged. I think why couldn't I find out 20 years earlier. Why did I go back on the first NC. Why is the world set up to kiss their ass?
ReplyDeleteSorry your mother was more subtle. Some of the narcs play loving mother,while some are so scapegoated, mine didn't bother outside of tossing presents at me from time to time, to pretend to "love" me.
So yours sound like she was more invested in playing loving mother and did it to your face, while mine did not bother. That can be very poisonous in it's own way.
I am not surprised your mother sounded gleeful. When my father died, mine whooped it up on the Today show only three weeks later and I overheard her once bragging about her insurance pay-outs. Even the GC was upset at how HAPPY she was but the GC may have still had a snippet of conscience 20 years ago.
I don't want that creep dancing on my grave. One reason I have lived this long with serious serious health problems, is this idea, I must live so she does not get the opportunity to malign me in death and dishonor me.
continuing....
DeleteHave you seen this article, your mother may have stepped from narcissism land into full blown sociopathy.
http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2015/03/queen-spider-of-darkness.html
"She's taking too long to die!" rings through my head and in my dreams. Hell can't be hot enough for some of these people. Not at all.
What is weird about mine, is she can say the most outrageous psycho crap, and the others all accept it and smile. Aunt Denial sat there nodding, her boggley eyes all alight trying to please my mother. They don't care if she's evil, they kiss her ass anyway.
So sorry yours has everyone played and is wearing a more saintly mask. this can be more dangerous in the community. Mine wears more saint hood for the community with her church Mass participation and more. I remember when she was engaged to her second husband, and running about to the soup kitchens to VOLUNTEER. I got some help then, I think was meant to impress.
I am sorry she was trying to turn your Grandfather against you but it is good he loved you. Even my Aunt who Loved me, my mother was getting more successful turning her against me, with her lies. I was fighting for my reputation but still clueless and in the fog. She probably was glad he died, because they don't want anyone helping or loving the scapegoat. Mine has made it such so the others fear being close to me or showing me any real regard. Brother included. By the way it is in my will that this website blog be sent out to the entire family upon my demise.
They destroy entire families and morally corrupt them. Mine definitely has. She has changed people for the worse and gotten them to hate things like feelings and empathy.
So sorry she turned your father against you too. They seem able to do this so easily don't they? They work their webs for decades in years. I got some to believe me in my 20s, and well, she won by default, money and time. They never give up like the sharks they are.
Dysfunctional does not describe our families, that is for normals with emotions who have disagreements or some substance abuse problems. We have EVIL families. My life was nothing but small cruelties. I am still undoing the damage having kicked multiple narcs in my life to the curb. Everyone who treated me like my family is being shown the door. People with no vulnerability or empathy, can all get out.
I was made fun off too and mocked me and called me a failure so much, I am shock I even made it to college. They tried to destroy that too though. If I had not been an intellectually gifted student and an Aspie I am sure they would have destroyed me completely. I'm pissed now dealing with all these medical problems and immense poverty. Seeing the lives of my classmates on FB , really has driven home, what was taken away from me and denied, and the extent of the abuse.
Sorry regarding the self mutilation, I can see this happening. I used to rip my own hair out in severe panic attacks on occasion in my 20s. You do not shock me with this. I was in constant therapy.They don't realize it used to be WORSE and I was so crippled by anxiety and severe panic attacks. I had YEARS of therapy. Actually while the therapists greatly reduced this stuff for me, my best cure for panic attacks and anxiety was going NO CONTACT.
I can still panic now, if I can't breath but that is a normal respiratory/low oxygen response but back then they were horrible. Don't be ashamed of this because this is something ACONs can struggle with. If you think about the anger and rage stored up while dealing with psycho narcs, it makes its way out somewhere. There is a lot of baggage I have dealt with from parents this abusive. I will pray for you that gets better.
Thanks for saying I have that ability to put things into words and have helped make it more clear to others, what ACONs have faced. I do hope this blog helps someone. I read a quote once where a hard life can be useful too, to serve as a warning. LOL
Thinking of you Freespirit.