Saturday, October 24, 2015
Peep's Personal Red Flag List to Warn of Predators
This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:
1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.
2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.
3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.
4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.
5. Watch out for constant criticism.
6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.
7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.
8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.
9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.
10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.
11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.
12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.
13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.
14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?
15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.
16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.
17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.
18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.
19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.
20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.
21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.
22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.
23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.
24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.
25. Do they constantly criticize others? Run there too.
26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.
27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.
28. Are they mean to wait staff? If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.
29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?
30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.
31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?
32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!
No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.