Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Mothers They Had


This seems almost idolatrous to me, like mother is supposed to be your "god". It has a kind of stalky flavor to it. " Mother will be below your window sill waiting and watching", "Mother will leave notes on your car while you are at work.". This one seems extraordinarily popular on Facebook. Several friends have posted it, it always makes me feel nauseous.  It does tell us the sort of mother's these other people had, they did love them and comforted, and nurtured them. This is the world none of us got to enter and well it helps me understand why they do not "get" or "understand" our experiences. I told my husband something weird the other day, I said, "Before I met you, no one ever hugged me and comforted me ever."

It's better they didn't go through what we did, but this tells us how "different" things were for them.

16 comments:

  1. She is the fetid smell of a restaurant dumpster on a hot day that makes the bile in your stomach erupt like old faithful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heave, vomit, puke. It is idolatrous, part of the magical thinking about mothers and families.
      For instance, mothers never need to learn anything about raising children, because mothers just know. Like God.
      Ever notice how mothers automatically identify with other mothers and not the children, if there is any problem? Even is the child is forty years older than they are and they know nothing about the situation or the other mother. I think the love of most mothers is pretty shallow and estrogen based and once the child is no longer a baby the estrogen is gone. Even in so-called healthy families.

      Delete
    2. I think there is too much magical thinking about mothers and families too. You know maybe if they were honest about mothers and children that fail to bond, there could be more help out there. Like not forcing a child to be taken care of by a mother that hates, resents or despises them. How much is the post partum depression failed expectations? Many people in America are told their children will be carbon copies, sure we got some of those, but often they are NOT. The instinct stuff and you'll know naturally is a bunch of lies too. I think one thing needs questioned that everyone needs to have children, at least today there is the child-free movement. Some Christians may be surprised I support such a thing, but I don't think everyone is suited to be parents. Even the Bible speaks of a time in history where people will not want children and woe to the mothers. It's getting close. Even the narcs seemed to love babies, in my family but babies were good narc supply.

      Delete
  2. Hi!!!
    This one is the most nauseating meme I've read,Lol!! The other ones I can't stand are the ones that go, something like this - "Share! If you your daughter is your best friend!" Or "Share! If you are blessed with a beautiful daughter!" So sickening, I scroll past them quickly and try to put the words out of my mind.
    This "Mother Cult" thing rules in my FOO, I remember I was going on holiday somewhere and said I probably wasn't going to bring back presents - for anyone! Her reaction - "Well! You've got to bring me something back, I'm your muvva!!" She didn't even bother to look at me whilst saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah this one wins the award for the most puke worthy. I usually ignore this stuff on FB, don't want to look like a victim writing underneath, "But my mommy hated me" LOL Ugh with the "mother cult" that's sad she was demanding a present from your trip. I think there is a family cult in play across the USA in general.

      Delete
  3. Wow, that's so not my mother.
    You are so lucky to have the support of your husband.I'm glad for you! Mine tries,I'll give him that, It's just not natural to him. He has his good side though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I and husband have been together so long now. LOL 22 years and 18 married in May, so support like that can grow. I am glad yours has his good side.

      Delete
  4. Actually, that would be creepy if you inserted my mother into that scenario...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah it would be like a horror movie....in my case too.

      Delete
  5. Yes, I think there is magical thinking that your child will be a carbon copy of you or your dreams of what you couldn't be. My father tortured my brother mentally because he wasn't good at sports.He was a great artist but my father beat that out of him. My mother wanted me to be a blonde blue eyed preppy girl. She isn't even blonde! I was plenty cute as a brown eyed girl..She even told me she only had me to get a boy. She only wanted 2 children.. It is so destructive to tell children they're not wanted..One of the worst things that can happen to you is to have a mother that hates you..It's hideous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes many people especially narcs want little Mini-Mes. I never could have children but had nightmares about one ending up like with the personality of one of the narcs I dealt with. The artists always get beaten down don't they? Sheesh. Poor kid. I know one cousin living his father's dream. if he gets a good job via the family connections, he probably will be loved if he fails say goodbye to love and affection. Sad your mother wanted a blonde. Stupid people can't figure out genetics. The dumb-bells I dealt with of course can't figure out why I am upset to have a genetic disease and no one else in the family has it or had it and they refused to answer my questions trying to see where it came from. Yes it is the worse to have a mother who hates you.

      Delete
  6. Actually, my mother did all that pretty much. It was called engulfing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes when they never leave you alone. I had a good friend with an engulfer, the woman called 5 times a day.

      Delete
  7. Hi, Peep. If you have a genetic disease, you can be assured that others in your family have it too, though possibly in a milder form. Narc families and genetic disease make a really bad mix. My mother's side has a serious rare genetic problem that my sibling died of. This was a worst case scenario; most sufferers do not die of it. It is rather obvious that some of my mother's relatives have milder versions of this condition but they won't deal with it. Brick wall denial and of course resentment of us for trying to warn them is their answer. So their doctors are left floundering.

    If your relatives won't give you information on medical family history, that is suspicious in itself. But it is fairly easy to do genealogical research and find a lot of stuff out. My family is as mean spirited about giving information as giving anything else but I have started my genealogical research and have already found a disappeared great-uncle who seems to have been adopted out very young and was never mentioned in his original family. But he is still in the records. He had 14 kids, so I have more relatives on the disappeared side than the regular side of the family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I learned recently how to do genealogical research and well it's been interesting. This is how I found out an uncle of mine died only a couple weeks from when I was "born".

    I really want a later picture of one grandmother to see if she had Lipedema, but I was denied that by Aunt Confused. I think of the cruelty and non-response of my mother to my Lipedema diagnosis paired with the medical neglect and yeah it was all suspicious. If she wants to whine to others I am "crazy", she bought my reactions with her bad secretive sicko behavior. Keeping my sister's cancer a secret, is something I suspected as I headed out the door.

    Even there being denied a family history if I have any biological ties, is rotten beyond measure. I hope your sibling did not die from the medical neglect and silence of narcissists. Sadly narcs are probably hurting many people with their secretiveness.

    I haven't seen any mild Lipedema people in the family, there's a few fatter ones but no one who ever reached my size or degree of illness and no lymphedema or swelling of limbs. None of the fatter people have any of the health issues. No one is diabetic save for one aunt and that did not happen until she became elderly.

    One relative had "heart failure" but his legs did not grow huge compared to rest of him. I have been doing genealogical research, learned how to at the library. I have a friend who has done genealogical research and even gone to met extended cousins. I am glad you found out about your disappeared great uncle.

    You are correct narc families and genetic diseases are a bad mix. I consider my sister an absolute creep for keeping her cancer secret even from other relatives she is in contact with. What if it is a genetic one like thyroid cancer, a leukemia or something else?

    My life would have been COMPLETELY DIFFERENT if my Lipedema had been dealt with at age 13 when it first started. Life at stage I and having it controlled is far different. If I have Dercums [I do not have an official diagnosis on that like Lipedema IV] then the lack of treatment considering my lungs etc, becomes a part of the picture.

    Her silence and inability to talk about anything that mattered probably has ruined a multitude of lives and looks like her Mini-Me is just like her.

    ReplyDelete