Saturday, February 13, 2016
Long Past The Time To Walk Away
A friend posted this on Facebook, I think they were annoyed by their sister being late to a visit. It represented more then that for me though. I think about us ACONs though, especially those of us in the "ignored camp". My mother and sister would drive repeatedly within a mile of my apartment, while on trips to elsewhere. My brother told me, "I told them it wasn't right to do this." but I still wondered with him why he was shocked I walked away then? Why did he still make excuses for their treatment?
I could have gone two years without seeing nieces and nephews and she would not stop by. Rejection is a hard thing, I know it is something I struggle with as an ACON. It can hurt worse when it's relatives but being Aspie it is more complicated.
Our narcissist families would reject us all the time. There was no semblance of unconditional love where you were accepted and given a place. It's never easy. I remember when young I would chase people down, kind of sad and desperate of me. I didn't get stalky or anything like that but would call people and say "What's wrong?" So few would tell you the truth, they would make excuses. It makes me sad, that I did do this. A scapegoat's desperation to be loved can be a swathe of destruction across an entire life. It sets us up for trouble. It is a deep wound not to have a mother or parental figure who loved you. I felt it life-long and even being only four years old and thinking inside, "I am defective and not worthy of anyone's love."
I remember the friend from college who was always so busy and even if I waited a whole year to call her acted like I was bothering her. I ended my friendship or what there was of it, she only contacted me when she wanted medical advice for her or her children, the very month I went no contact with the family, she was added to the list. A "friend" of thirty years duration, I realized was treating me the same as my family, she liked calling me several times a week even though we lived long distance, but I realized as the years progressed she had no interest in ever seeing me again, not even when I got sick. I was held at a distance, like someone she wanted to "slum" with. I ended that friendship after betrayals and disrespect I could not make excuses for. Sometimes in a vacuum people will treat you decently, you talk to them on the phone but you have lived so long distance for so long, you hold no more mutual friends in common and then comes Facebook where there are other people and mutual groups and you realize they are treating you like a worm. You realize, how your family set you up to even keep a relationship like this in your life.
Right now I am working my way through some of these issues and asking myself what defines the good relationships vs. the ones that went so badly. The good ones, I feel secure in, the people love me, they are loyal and don't reject me if we disagree on something. They are there for me in the ways that count and do not betray me for other people. I count too. The bad ones, well those things don't come so easily.
When I was young, I felt like I was begging people to include me in their lives. I don't beg anymore but it makes me sad. It doesn't seem to take much to get rejection, and trust me all of us ACONs went down the long lists over and over about why we angered everyone or what was wrong with us. The narc abuse sets us up, to be too "desperate and needy". Our relationships can become troubled because of this undergirding. Not having a family that loves or accepts you or even a parental figure that does can lead to a lifetime of insecurity. You never have had a place and sadly I think people can pick up on this about us. It is one reason ACONs can be more prone to abuse and for future predators.
With age as an Aspie, I learned that desperation was the soonest way to scare people away. I don't think I was needy when I wanted to see nieces and nephews once in a while who lived far away from me and who I didn't have money to go see. Health wise, I couldn't handle 12-24 hour bus trips even if those would be more affordable and yes it frustrated me.
One thing I always noticed with my mother and sister is that other people always came far higher then priority then me. I once wrote my mother about something health related, and she said, "What about your sister and brother and their health problems?" This was before they hid my sister's cancer. I was always shoved in back of the line. My mother's letters would be detailing visits with her third cousins and great-aunts. One time before I went completely NC, she sent me a card asking to meet for lunch, and I tried to set it up with her and she ignored me for four days not even returning a couple phone calls. My mother is retired and has plenty of time and carries a cell phone on her. In a way I dodged a manipulative bullet and was able to continue to go No Contact knowing that "trying" anymore was a waste of time.
One lesson for every ACON to learn is go never go begging when people reject you. I am not in take all comers land anymore. People make it obvious when they do not want you in their lives. We have to find independence even of being happy within ourselves.
Not having families that gave us this inner-security at a development point when young is something we ourselves will have to make up for. With the narcissist families, they will keep you around to keep track of you but you really are not in their lives or part of it. One life lesson to learn is when people reject you, it's long beyond time to walk away. If you are feeling that insecure feeling and know someone has put you last on the list, pay attention, it may not be a good relationship. It will be the family dynamics repeating themselves.
Escaping these dynamics is escaping emotional slavery in general.
They Left Me First