Social Pressures

 Another therapist has backed up my autism. I told her that socially things feel hard. While I have my close friends, many of whom are long distance, and a couple friends here, socially I am wore out. It is hard to explain. I don't want to try anymore.  People today kind of frighten me. There was a recent run in with a smear campaign and running away from a toxic person that triggered me back to my family. Even now I am worried about possible smear campaigns and if this person had gotten others to think badly of me. I should have listened more to my intuition which was strong from the start. The social dynamics hurt me. The first minute I got that dark feeling inside, I should have ran for the hills.

For an Aspie, when we get enemies, they can turn people against us easily. We are the "eccentrics", the "weirdos".  No one comes to get our side of the story. I wonder why no one is saying to me, "So and so shouldn't have treated you that way" and I'm a little bugged about it.  Do they see me as the one in the wrong? Did she turn everyone to her side? If anyone thinks I am paranoid, remember I'm the one with the mother who turned an entire family against me.

If someone doesn't like us, because we are strange and different, they can tip the scale against us even far faster.  Often if anything even good people will leave Aspies out of social intrigues. Neurotypicals talk and tell every each other whats what, while you sit there stupid in the dark. Who are we going to talk to? It is something I have noticed. One of the worse thing about being Aspie is you never know what in the hell is going on behind the scenes. Lack of social information makes everything harder.

Sometimes I am tired of having to "cloak". What is "cloaking" but when an Aspie acts more socially normal. While Aspie Doc Martin will tell people to shut up on that English TV show, many Aspies we have to censor  so much. We are told we "feel everything" "too much". My life has been dampening down myself for so many years. I often wonder what would happen to my world if I told everyone exactly what I thought, Would I live through the day? LOL I may draw a cartoon where Budgie walks around saying exactly what she thinks. 

What if you are an Aspie that has a high enough IQ to know that you just can't fit in and never will. Maybe I should stop beating my head against the social wall. Why don't I ever meet fellow Aspies in real life? My husband has some traits which helps. I think of my times with social groups, where things ebb and flow so naturally for them, and I have to think who can I talk to one on one? Do I look weird sitting here and waiting in this chair? Do I seem over eager? The sicker I've gotten the constant self analysis and trying to make it socially has gotten harder. Among the "normals" I feel lost.

There are times I wake up haunted thinking, "My goodness, even my own family hated me!". I think children should be taken away from mothers' who don't love them, the affect on one's life is just as bad if they are beating you to a pulp all day long. Of course some do both. One thing that can haunt an Aspies is the level of social rejection that comes with being an Aspie. Some of these issues have affected me since I was a teenager. Does one want to spend their life on their knees going "Please like me?". Didn't the narcissists already take advantage of that? That is definitely one way the predators can come and take a chomp out of you. Today I'm not so worried about being liked anymore but I don't think I will ever feel at home in this world.

 One thing as I have aged, cloaking is getting hard to do. I'm flunking it. I also am realizing the glory days of "coming into my own" socially probably isn't going to happen. The world acts like autism and Aspergers ends for the Aspie once they come of age, but no it is life-long. How does one grow old while being autistic? I wish someone would write a book become an old person who is autistic. What happens to us? The older you get, the harder it gets because you are too tired to do the right kind of social small talk. You even get confused as the social dance speeds up around you and you slow down. 

I seem to irritate people without wanting to all the time. I know they find me too anxious, too intense, too mind focused. What if "being you" bothers people? What if you feel like you've had to censor so much of yourself? What if people are more prone to listen to mean narcissists about you and your Aspergers seems to help them out? Why are these people always believed and no one ever asks me?  After all you are that weird, eccentric fat woman, they are a narcissist or person of higher status who is "well-liked". Aspies are more vulnerable to becoming narcissist targets. If someone is different in the room via a disability, autism, or some other factor, narcissists will use it.

I left a group recently where I realized I was not being valued and the new person in charge, said cruel things like "You are holding this group back". She would peer out at the group and make insults about those who "have not recovered" and I noticed she was doing this multiple times and staring at me. There seemed to be a taint of fat hatred beneath this, a kind of "why haven't you lost weight" message even though the group knew about my severe rare health conditions.

Trained in "think positive" ethos and career directed, a fat Aspie middled aged woman with multiple chronic disorders was anathema to her. This was night and day from the people who ran this particular group before, who were essentially at their core, KIND PEOPLE.

I would challenge her, after all I am housebound 6 or more months out of the year, but somehow everything going wrong was my fault even though I wasn't there more then half the time. I realized with horror, there I was being scapegoated again, and already a few people were treating me "different" which gave me intense triggering. One guy who I always had been friendly with ignored me the day I saw him at a grocery store. So I basically walked away because especially with the health problems I have now, I don't need the stress. I spoke up for myself, but it seemed to never help. I knew when I felt on edge and was going "sarcastic" to "fight" back, it was time to walk and slam the door shut. I don't know if she was a narc, and our world views may simply have been in collision but she may even be reading this one day because I told a few people about this blog but I knew I couldn't sit there and tolerate someone treating me that way anymore. It made me very sad as I had been part of this group for 4-5 years and used to volunteer and do presentations for them.

Going NC will change your outlook and what you are willing to tolerate. It definitely has with me. It can be a troubling time as you seek to adjust how you deal with the world. Already as an Aspie, I know I get tired from how society runs, but then I added this, avoiding narcs and people who are negative to me. You want to follow general rules, if you feel on edge around someone, or ignored or devalued or not listened to, listen to those red flags. I know I have the freedom to walk from negative people being disabled but some of you are stuck with them at work. In that case freeze them out as much as you can and let them know as little as possible about you.

 I try to soften all the rough edges but I get tired, and when the health is bothering me, my cloaking and the rest fails. Around some neurotypicals  I often feel on edge. if I am tired or in pain, I am scared of them seeing it and thinking badly of me. It seems I have to always take a file to my rough edges around neurotypicals. Maybe I am wasting my time and should let everything hang out.  Some of my inner rules are, "Don't be too negative, Make sure not to go on too long about an certain topics, hide your anxiety, don't ask too many nosy questions, and so forth and so on. 

I am going to take the girl with curly hair advice above. I don't want to spent the rest of my life worrying about pleasing people or fitting in or walking on extreme neurotypical eggshells. I don't fit in and I may as well run with it at this old age and date. I am not here to kiss any more narcissist butt. 

What if you are an Aspie that has a high enough IQ to know that you just can't fit in and never will. It feels painful. I have friends, one thing about me, and I believe this of Aspies, when we get friends, we become very close. Aspies just "do" friendship very differently. However in the social world, I'm feeling more uncomfortable. The timing of going no contact with my entire family three weeks ago and then having a negative social experience in my local world, has made my social anxiety very high recently.

Aspergers and Me