One thing I thought about is the fake people always put pressure on me to never be "real". They would instruct me to "hide emotions" and it was like I was supposed to "grey rock" the entire world, but it got boring and lonely. One thing about the whole grey rocking thing, I did the whole low contact thing for almost 20 years and it wasn't worth it. Be careful with that advice. Do what you have to but it takes chips out of your soul. They were able to mess me up while I sat there and smiling in the narcissistic overstuffed redecorated living rooms. I hate growing older, because the pressure to "conform" has worsened. I'm supposed to be some always polite woman who never rocks the boat, and who says and does the same thing as everyone else. All it succeeded in doing was silencing me for too many years.
My husband yesterday had a frenemy ream out his zine. This guy said it looks like its from 1985! The guy even ripped my cartoons to shreds which were on the cover and back. These were drawn in a far different style then I do now but I thought the drawings were good even being done some years ago. He wrote my husband saying they looked like they were "drawn" like a ninth grade hack doodling on a notebook! This guy thinks he's some kind of expert. I and my husband would smile while visiting his apartment that was so moldy stagalamites grew in the corners and he played his head banging thrash punk music. I thought his punk music sucked, it was mere noise with lyrics you could not hear. Out of politeness we kept our mouths shut FOR YEARS.
Now I'm wondering why we kept our mouths shut? Niceness politeness, not getting a high from hurting others, who seem to get endless thrills from it? I think about the passive aggressives who always say things like, "I will always be there for you" and then they won't even respond the first time there is a disagreement and they do the freeze-outs and backstabbing. Or how about the project friends where I'm supposed to jump through endless hoops to please them and be "acceptable"? I think about some guy like my husbands fake friend, acting like he is supportive of his artistic ventures but when push comes to shove, he's ready to insult and rip his zine to shreds. He never was even asked for a critique.
I had this thing get started in my mind where I thought, "I need to criticize people back". I know it sounds weird that this never occurred to me but it is something I tried out. A few times I did it, I noticed it shut up some people right away, but I did not enjoy it. I hated it. Why do they enjoy it so much? It gave me a creepy feeling like I was being a "bitch". That was conviction. Don't become like THEM. I care about what God wants and don't want to follow the same evil road.
Does that sound odd to you all? I must be some crazy idealistic person who wants to share ideas and good times with people without everything being a constant measuring campaign as to their acceptability and everything being a constant contest. Do I have to become a "bitch" too, to not be made into the constant worm and "victim"? I'm not interested in becoming a cold hard "bitch". These are spiritual questions that have plagued me. It seems that many interpret my "realness" as weakness to be exploited.
One thing I realized about myself is I am not weak, these people think I am weak because I do not operate the way they do in secretiveness and subterfuge. My mother thinks I am the weakest person the planet. Other fake projects and others considered me weak just for having emotions and not wearing the masks they wanted me to wear. When people are real, wicked people do see them as "weak" for daring to be themselves because they love the masks. They really do.
This is something creepy I never have discussed before on this blog, but there were a few times, when I would "fight" back against my mother especially as a teen and 20 something and basically tell her off from here to there, I would criticize her back. I would lose my temper and start screaming back. The creepy thing during these rare moments was she would start being nice to me. It wouldn't last long but it would change her reactions to me. I remember saying to my husband "Why was she nicer at these times?" Sure she probably was setting up for revenge or backing away. Some people only respect cruelty. These memories plague me.
Our society is changing in a way where it is telling people not to be real. We are told to grey rock it socially. All the fake people constantly lectured me to reign myself in. Hide those emotions, Hide your "weakness". Everything was about winning and losing. A fake sociopathic, narcissistic society is being built, it is worsening. Realness is being hated. Emotions are being cancelled out. There's a line of social niceties but then also a line where connection between human beings is being severed and that line is being crossed. Being "real" is not allowed. Having emotions is not allowed.
One thing I have noticed about people is they exploit perceived weaknesses. My family does it. All of life is a constant battle between the winners and losers, even among themselves. Verbally I have the talent to cut someone to shreds, but it's not something I enjoy or want to do. They love it. I don't want to spend my life, getting the back stabbing knives out and seeing who I can "win" over. I wonder why so many people love to spend their life criticizing. My husband's fake friend definitely seemed gleeful and pompous in his critique email. Some seem only to be happy while kicking others down. Why does it make them happy? I do not know. Why was it so important for him to trash my husband? He added in music critiques too that were never ending and even nit-picked him on length of songs.
You start thinking "Why is nothing ever good enough?" These type of people will kill your spirit. These are the kind of people that make you feel afraid to leave the house or ever show any part of yourself ever again. Yeah, that is what my mind thinks. And sure these give us all moments of doubt. I told him last night, "We have to be ourselves, especially if we consider ourselves real artists or with something to say to the world" "We have to be real, even if none of them are".
I get as far as some version of "sociopaths need love too" and I am a gone gator. And yes I noticed with my mother if I threw it back on her she would pipe down. One time on the way up to spend the night with my wife I popped off about how someone who F***** every guy in town could be so judgmental and when I got in later she was waiting for me and I was expecting her to unload on me, but all she did was ask me politely what I had meant, so instead of kicking her while she was "down" I sugarcoated and understated all my memories of all that I saw. Which was like urinating in a hurricane for all the good it did me.
ReplyDeleteYeah I disappear when I see the "love the narcs and sociopath" blogs. Check right on out of there. Hmm one of the ex-friends told me "narcissists are human too" that was a red flag time. I plan to run away from anyone who talks like that. Yeah yours went sweet knowing you had her. That's how they operate. Mine even backed down a few times like that. It's gross. I found myself wanting to puke in a dozen barf bags they were so fake.
ReplyDeleteAnd during that event I was lucid but acquired brain damage somewhere after that incident.
ReplyDeleteSorry that happened to you. Hey I never had brain damage but I had too many quiet, stunned into silence moments with mine....
DeleteDear Peeps and Friends, i see alot of fakeyness, and i can't help but to wonder if maybe a few of the fakers would like to be real, but are too afraid. A few that is! As i learn more through the Lord's word, it seems that putting on a front is part and parcel of the unregenerate mindset. And yeah, grayrocking gets tiresome, real quick - just one more reason i'd rather just avoid people, for the most part. Had to grayrock it about a week ago, couldn't wait until the evening was over. All that chick did was talk about her past "glory" (more like whorey) days. i don't know her current boyfriend puts up with the blather, i really don't.
ReplyDeleteSue I am so tired of the fakeyness. Don't waste my time, I just don't want to deal with it. My energy is very restricted as it is, so I don't want to waste it on fake people. Many of them can't even be bothered to tell you off, so they continue with the fake polite stuff while dragging things out and making it more painful. Maybe they are trained too well by all the others putting on a front.
DeleteI do think it is part of the unregenerate mindset too. Life becomes nothing but a lying and subterfuge fest. It exhausts me. Greyrocking with the narcs hurts me, LC had its price. They find subtle ways to hurt you even if its not in your face. Many people told me I was "wrong" and "bad" for not grey-rocking it enough. Not sure why my emotions or emotional expressions bothered them so much. It's like they want me dead inside like they are.
I understand avoiding people, I'm getting there. I and husband were talking today about how so few are real and everything is about competition and "status". We spend time with each other and worry about the other not having enough friends especially local in the flesh people to see.
Yes I have many grey rock moments, yes, bragging fests can get very tiresome. A nerdy Aspie like me can't abide by the partying tales and endless sexual conquests some are so proud of.
I've tried being the bitch route too, and I hated it. It never made me feel good, and sometimes I could take it overboard due to my bad nerves, saying things I don't even mean. Is there a school where I can learn to do this? Mostly, I just feel so badly about the whole thing and then I even overapologize, making myself even more into a victim. Anyway I think that if we were able to do it and be successful at it, we would have done it, and we wouldn't be where we are now. We would have lost our soul. I feel like some part of me is dying when I have to fight back. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteI think the only reason I don't get kicked off my relationship site board is because it is run by a very sensible woman, and I never say anything out of line anyway, but in most times in life I get told to get lost. I'm not doing anything offensive, and it is only reasonable people who want me around.
As far as your husband's zine getting blasted by that guy, I would have to say just enjoy the zine. We only have so much time on this earth, and these things that moth and dust do corrupt, well, I think we are here to do good and be ourselves. If I'm going to be authentic, it requires me to look past my abuse. My family was wrong, it is not a big competition about hurting people. The former abuse blocks me, keeps me down, and now I'm working on looking past that, into things that are real. Say and do what I want to, and don't let the past keep me down. I mean, not line up what I do and say from former experiences. Its hard but I'm committed to do it this way.
I know I hated being a bitch too. The few times I did it, I got headaches and was miserable and felt like I was "selling out" and that the biggest bitches would have my soul. Because when you become a bitch, there's always a bigger bitch. LOL Does that makes sense? I worry about losing my soul now under all the pressures. I have prayed prayers to God like "Why is this world so evil, and "why is evil winning?" and "Let me have a taste of justice on this earth".
DeleteI am glad you don't get kicked off that board. I had some boards I never got kicked off of. If the admins aren't narcs usually they are more reasonable places.
I have enjoyed the zine, that guy is a failed hipster, who is jealous and probably made at himself for not thinking of his own zine.We do only have so much time on earth. I don't want to waste it with jerks and dead end relationships or kissing up to the jerks or trying to "win" with them. I agree about looking at things that are 'real".
It seems to me that "culling" tends to follow after you or someone close to you comes out of the FOG. You're not the same person and you're not willing to put up with noxious and obnoxious people. You're no longer willing to tolerate some asshole who has elevated themselves or devalued you so thoroughly your only "use" to them is kneeling in supplication at their altar or throne. Once you recover some modicum of self-respect you wonder what you ever saw in that person to keep them in your orbit. You don't recall making a conscious decision to place them in the "friend" category and may not have: They chose you. Treating others the way you'd like to be treated works with most but not all. This guy was one of the "not all." He hasn't changed; you have.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good thing. The Lessons Learned start to permeate all the relationships in your life and some need to go.
TW
There's been a lot of cullings. With the catfisher I had massive betrayal, and I think she could have been working with some of the Ns. I am not sure yet. Let me just say some people have sunk to new depths. I don't even feel I can trust more distant connections in the family. She is there with all of them.
DeleteIt has troubled me almost like the reverberation is like a skipping stone that never will stop. Having my life taken away in my old small town was tough too. I never could get the same connections here and returning is impossible as many left or died in the old place. I don't have patience for the noxious and obnoxious people, the ones who treat me like I am radioactive or ignore everything I say out of fear or loyalty to the narcs are going by the way side too. Yes I am asking what did I ever see in some of these people?
I agree about the people choosing me. Even the "catfisher" wanted to be instant friends on a health board. I let their supposed suffering of a severe rare health problem related to my own fool me.
With this guy the one ragging on my husband he made the mistake of giving the guy a "second chance". He betrayed him big one time, but he forgave him which looking back was a mistake. He actually didn't talk to him for a series of years and when we moved to this area he lives near that is when they became reassociated. We are in a hard time now TW, we do feel isolated and like we can trust very very few. I guess this is one outcome of these narcs. I'd rather be alone then have back-stabbers and liars in my life. Thanks TW.
I just had an encounter on another site that whittled the violence off my comment. Weeeel if you take away the violence surrounding my mother there ain't much left. It always makes me shake my head when people who are supposedly well balanced can't even stand to talk about the way I had to live.
ReplyDeleteWhen they try to censor you, that is freaky, like they are defending your Mom even years later and having never know her. There's a lot of people out there who never want to hear reality. Everything is supposed to be "nice" and well they try to censor people who talk about anything that really happened. I mean if those details are taking out of your story, it collapses what you are even warning about and what you went through.
DeleteI am so sick of the "PC" Police who are LOOKING to be offended. "You hwrt my feewings WAAA!" There are times when Reality is allegedly "Offensive" to no one but you and possibly a few other non-adult "PC-ers." It doesn't make Reality any less real. This blatant grab for the Moral Highground is meant to shame and blame, to place others in a subservient position while elevating the "Offended." It's nothing more than a form of censorship behind a facade of Moral superiority.
ReplyDeleteIf Reality is too overwhelming for your oh-so-tender sensibilities," stop reading. Turn the page. Don't look. Get ear plugs. Leave the room. Hit delete or skip to the next site. Watch an endless loop of puppies, bunnies and kitties.
In other words, use your "personal agency" you're so fond of promoting while just as assiduously avoiding.
Get a life.
Leave the adults to the adult conversation.
If you ever grow up I'll consider letting you sit at the Adult table on Thanksgiving. In the mean time I will not be censored by you or your ilk.
TW
I am so sick of the PC police too. I consider a lot of them spoiled to be frank. With extreme PC speech rules, my brain fries, some of their terms I don't even understand. Especially with Facebook, everyone is supposed to be having the grand and perfect life. Don't talk about anything real. Even life itself and "happiness" is a contest. "Some animals are more equal then others" and if you are too lowly of an animal, keep your trap shut, we don't want to hear it.
DeleteAll the narcs have become experts at shaming and blaming. This brings something to my mind, how one aunt I went NC with [Aunt Confused] complained about me to my mother, "When did she become so negative?" So this is one reason they shame and blame people. So even if you confront the narcs because you don't have a smile on your face 24/7 youre a bad person. It does put people in a subservient position. The moral superiority now being used to squash us all has to do with things even Smakintosh warned of where money is seen as moral, having and success is seen as moral and even "happiness" itself.
Yes they can close their eyes to what they can't handle, go watch more kitty and bunny videos, put fingers in the ears, that's America for you. This place will be crashing and burning and the brainwashed idiots will be saying "Be happy" "Be happy" while the room is on fire. LOL about the "personal agency". Don't you know everything is a choice! [LOLOLOL yeah right!]
I'm done with being censored. I've had a gutsfull of it. The catfish tried censoring me and every fake friend I kicked to the curb.