Monday, March 7, 2016
One thing I thought about is the fake people always put pressure on me to never be "real". They would instruct me to "hide emotions" and it was like I was supposed to "grey rock" the entire world, but it got boring and lonely. One thing about the whole grey rocking thing, I did the whole low contact thing for almost 20 years and it wasn't worth it. Be careful with that advice. Do what you have to but it takes chips out of your soul. They were able to mess me up while I sat there and smiling in the narcissistic overstuffed redecorated living rooms. I hate growing older, because the pressure to "conform" has worsened. I'm supposed to be some always polite woman who never rocks the boat, and who says and does the same thing as everyone else. All it succeeded in doing was silencing me for too many years.
My husband yesterday had a frenemy ream out his zine. This guy said it looks like its from 1985! The guy even ripped my cartoons to shreds which were on the cover and back. These were drawn in a far different style then I do now but I thought the drawings were good even being done some years ago. He wrote my husband saying they looked like they were "drawn" like a ninth grade hack doodling on a notebook! This guy thinks he's some kind of expert. I and my husband would smile while visiting his apartment that was so moldy stagalamites grew in the corners and he played his head banging thrash punk music. I thought his punk music sucked, it was mere noise with lyrics you could not hear. Out of politeness we kept our mouths shut FOR YEARS.
Now I'm wondering why we kept our mouths shut? Niceness politeness, not getting a high from hurting others, who seem to get endless thrills from it? I think about the passive aggressives who always say things like, "I will always be there for you" and then they won't even respond the first time there is a disagreement and they do the freeze-outs and backstabbing. Or how about the project friends where I'm supposed to jump through endless hoops to please them and be "acceptable"? I think about some guy like my husbands fake friend, acting like he is supportive of his artistic ventures but when push comes to shove, he's ready to insult and rip his zine to shreds. He never was even asked for a critique.
I had this thing get started in my mind where I thought, "I need to criticize people back". I know it sounds weird that this never occurred to me but it is something I tried out. A few times I did it, I noticed it shut up some people right away, but I did not enjoy it. I hated it. Why do they enjoy it so much? It gave me a creepy feeling like I was being a "bitch". That was conviction. Don't become like THEM. I care about what God wants and don't want to follow the same evil road.
Does that sound odd to you all? I must be some crazy idealistic person who wants to share ideas and good times with people without everything being a constant measuring campaign as to their acceptability and everything being a constant contest. Do I have to become a "bitch" too, to not be made into the constant worm and "victim"? I'm not interested in becoming a cold hard "bitch". These are spiritual questions that have plagued me. It seems that many interpret my "realness" as weakness to be exploited.
One thing I realized about myself is I am not weak, these people think I am weak because I do not operate the way they do in secretiveness and subterfuge. My mother thinks I am the weakest person the planet. Other fake projects and others considered me weak just for having emotions and not wearing the masks they wanted me to wear. When people are real, wicked people do see them as "weak" for daring to be themselves because they love the masks. They really do.
This is something creepy I never have discussed before on this blog, but there were a few times, when I would "fight" back against my mother especially as a teen and 20 something and basically tell her off from here to there, I would criticize her back. I would lose my temper and start screaming back. The creepy thing during these rare moments was she would start being nice to me. It wouldn't last long but it would change her reactions to me. I remember saying to my husband "Why was she nicer at these times?" Sure she probably was setting up for revenge or backing away. Some people only respect cruelty. These memories plague me.
Our society is changing in a way where it is telling people not to be real. We are told to grey rock it socially. All the fake people constantly lectured me to reign myself in. Hide those emotions, Hide your "weakness". Everything was about winning and losing. A fake sociopathic, narcissistic society is being built, it is worsening. Realness is being hated. Emotions are being cancelled out. There's a line of social niceties but then also a line where connection between human beings is being severed and that line is being crossed. Being "real" is not allowed. Having emotions is not allowed.
One thing I have noticed about people is they exploit perceived weaknesses. My family does it. All of life is a constant battle between the winners and losers, even among themselves. Verbally I have the talent to cut someone to shreds, but it's not something I enjoy or want to do. They love it. I don't want to spend my life, getting the back stabbing knives out and seeing who I can "win" over. I wonder why so many people love to spend their life criticizing. My husband's fake friend definitely seemed gleeful and pompous in his critique email. Some seem only to be happy while kicking others down. Why does it make them happy? I do not know. Why was it so important for him to trash my husband? He added in music critiques too that were never ending and even nit-picked him on length of songs.
You start thinking "Why is nothing ever good enough?" These type of people will kill your spirit. These are the kind of people that make you feel afraid to leave the house or ever show any part of yourself ever again. Yeah, that is what my mind thinks. And sure these give us all moments of doubt. I told him last night, "We have to be ourselves, especially if we consider ourselves real artists or with something to say to the world" "We have to be real, even if none of them are".