I'm going to include altered actual quotes from various abusers, gaslighters and toxic "ex-friends" I got away from.
This list will also serve me as a reminder when to run away from someone and not waste any more time. As I cleaned out the narcissistic stable, it was a LOT of people. All I know is anyone new coming into my life better not talk to me this way!
1. When people patronize you....RUN!
"It is perfectly good for you to be at the level of understanding you are at"
2. When people tell you that what you tell them is not true and gaslight you on behalf of narcissists....RUN!
"In all honesty I have not seen the negative behavior towards you that you say has happened"
3.When people tell you to move on and discount your feelings....RUN!
"So I don't hold it against them for that. Deal with it, get over it, move on"
"I choose a long time ago to not let it bother me, they are who they are."
4. When people use God to abuse or talk of deliverance or promised phony miracles....RUN
"Deliverance is for the desperate. Only those desperate enough to do what God tells them to do qualify for this miracles. If you are convinced you are doing what God requires of you then I'm not going to say anything about it. The Bible says work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Fasting and prayer is how we examine ourselves. If you knew me at all, you would know how often I do this."
5. These quotes speaks for themselves...RUN!
"I wish I could lend you my eyes to see yourself from my angle"
"I am real, you are real, just like Velveteen Rabbit"--said to me by suspected catfisher.
6. When someone calls you a bully merely for defending yourself.....Run!
"The Bully always deflects blame"
I've been in for it, as far as some people I have dealt with recently. Please God send me some nice ones! I do know some nice people who don't tell me things like the above.
One thing I do need to change is I am too quiet when people start talking trash to me. I need to stand up quicker and not let things go by while trying to be nice. ACONs can be trained too easily to sit there quiet for nonsense and trying to make nice with cruel and lying people. Also avoid people who constantly tell you they are busy, they don't have time for you, do not make it for them.
Ah, the people who are too busy and don't have time for you! I've known people on trust funds who don't work,that pull that one.
ReplyDeleteThe velveteen rabbit quote was just creepy...
Suki
Yeah the "busy brigade" I tired of long ago. Always bragging about being productive and "successful", sure I met retired sorts and trust fund kids never with a spare moment. The Velveteen quote bugs me a lot now.
DeleteYes, run away from these toxic people. Hope good people will start flocking to you like they did with me since I went NC with my adopted narc mother and got rid of toxic ex-friends. When you start hanging out with normal people, you will notice differences in mentality and how they deal with abusers. They also deal with life's disappointments, narcs, and abusers differently. I noticed they get rid of toxic people fast. When I told them what my adopted narc mother told me, they said she was talking crazy and that she had too many issues or problems. Several social workers told me that my adopted narc mother was a welfare cheat who got more money than she was supposed to get for adopting me and my adopted siblings. Your catfisher sounded crazy when she claimed that you were as real as a Velveteen Rabbit or maybe meant to imply that you were a fake, since Velveteen Rabbit is a fictional character. >:(
ReplyDeleteThanks anon, yeah I have run from them. I hope I meet some good people too. I know some now but definitely need to meet more. Yes normal people are far different, they show vulnerability not everything is a contest and put down a thon. I am glad normal people saw through your adopted narc mother. Sure she was getting a check for each kid, probably equal to 800-1000 a month in today's money. All those martyr types taking in dozens of foster kids, they act like it's about "sharing the love" but it's a lot of government money pouring in. Yours adopted 4 right? Think of the money. I think the Velveteen rabbit comment was to mess with my mind. One thing people don't realize about me is I notice details even if just nod and smile or say "that's nice" online. I always liked that book too, but then there's so few real people isn't there?
DeleteB.U.S.Y. Being Under Satan's Yoke. Read that definition some years ago, while browing the net.
ReplyDeleteHmm like that one, it describes a lot, doesn't it? So many proud of being "busy" and running around ants. It sounds exhausting.
DeleteI think every one of these has happened to me, and I get stuck on the deflection part. It is hard to stand up for ourselves for any word out of their mouth will call me on it as we were trained to take it. That is just horrible.
ReplyDeleteI had a dream last night where I was young and single and there was this guy I liked. But another girl liked him too, and she had a ton of friends, and I started to feel badly and started to be strange. They were talking down to me and made me feel badly, and the guy was thus going with the other girl. So I decided to go back to being myself again, paid them no mind, accepted all of me, and guess what? The dream ended with him standing behind me at a cookout, he was following me, and there I was all alone. He was following me. One of the other girls friends came behind him and asked him what the heck he was doing?
I know it was just a dream, not necessarily what would happen, but it would be kinda interesting if I was single and I could practice the dating advice of that course I took. The dream felt so real, it was weird I dreamt of something that is not in my life right now.
Sorry you got stuck on all these too Joan, yeah I wrote too how deflection is a problem. I get too quiet and feel "scared" and maybe the predators pick up on that even over the phone. I'll fight hard if all hell breaks loose, but I have noticed the fake nicey nice ones with no emotions and this sickening air of indifference, are the hardest to "fight".
DeleteThese are the types who will act all sweet like nothing is wrong while skewering someone to death. They don't get real and are all passive aggressive, so if you get "angry" they run about calling you a bully or you look bad in front of other people when you get mad or tell them off.
Hmm interesting dream, like you changed the behavior and he was more interested. I wonder how dating would be for me now with less timidity and the other baggage. Probably easier for us both though being single and this weight and health would not be an easy thing.
Not that I wish to be single ever again, just want a do over. lol Go back over those times I was intimidated beyond belief and do what I have to. That dream was a bit of a do over.
DeleteBut I guess its like learning anything, once you know, its time to move on from here, not go back and try to fix the mistakes we made. I remember in school there was this course I struggled all the way through. And got a C. When I was done, I wanted to do it again, I had learned everything by struggling, and was sure I could get an A this time. Something like that.
Understand about the do-over Joan. Yeah I feel that way about a lot of life, but even with circumstances, not sure what else I could have done in a lot of instances, there is also the if we knew then what we know now, like get whisked back to the beginning with today's knowledge intact, things would go a lot different.
DeleteWe know a married couple "acquaintances" we were introduced to by mutual friends. Over the years we have seen them at occasional parties, and from time to time at the grocery store or various places about town. My husband and I began to notice how "busy" they always said they were, and what a "hurry" they were in. They would engage us in preliminary conversation asking how we were, and as soon as we expounded a bit, they would drop us on our butts mid-sentence with how they had somewhere they needed to be. The husband once said, "Got to make hay while the sun shines!". And the wife on another occasion dropped me in mid sentence at McDonald's because she was on her way to "Ladies Spa Day" she said she had been invited to by a group of women living in my neighborhood. I guess she wanted me to know I hadn't been invited, and I guess in her wake as I watched her leave I guess I was suppose to contemplate the "fullness" of her life and the supposed "emptiness" of mine ( at least that was the impression I was getting by this time) but instead I was thinking how glad I was that I was not going to "*itches Spa Day"
ReplyDeleteThe very next time I ran into her, several months later at the grocery store, I had just come from the dentist and was really not in the mood! She made herself conspicuous around the refrigerated section where I was looking, and after it became obvious I wasn't going to "bite" she came to me. I didn't day a word, I just looked at her straight on, and she looked back and said "Oh, okay (like so that's how it is then) and turned and walked quickly away. It took me 10 years (maybe a couple dozen occasions) of her rudeness to have enough, and it only took her one look! Wow, I guess she's a much quicker study than me!
Michelle
Ugh, I am glad you got away from her. I avoid the "busy brigade" like the plague. Sad thing is I used to get some of them bragging to me. [hey some of the relatives would do this too]. These are the kind of people who get out their cell phones and do fake conversations to "look important". Yeah one look is all it took. I rolled my eyes a few times and would get sarcastic saying "When do you ever sleep, you must go 24 hours a day!" and that got rid of a few.
DeleteHi Peep,
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, family members say it too... I just went through this for over a year with my brother.
After a decade of no contact, we reconnected and he came to visit me. I live thousands of miles away, so I naturally placed a lot of importance on his visit. He stayed a week and we had a great time! I guess I thought we were starting something up, but I think he was somehow done when he got on the plane! I didn't know... After that, whenever I called him, he was "busy working". If I called him at lunch, he was "busy eating lunch". If I called after work, he was "busy"standing in line at the grocery store, or "busy driving," and would need to pull over to the side of the road. On the weekends, he was "super tired" and had to "rest up" to get back to work!
The thing is, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a mass in his kidney a year after his visit. The feedback I was getting from our MNM was that things were "really bad". He had blood in his urine, had complications with his and esophageal varices as a result of chronic Hep C etc. He was basically hemmoraging at the seams, and because he was in the dessert, far from major medical facilities, they weren't happy with the lack of feedback he was getting from doctors and was feeling desperate. She asked, "are we just going to wait until we get the news that he didn't make it?". And I said, "No, we're not!". I got to thinking what I could do, I live in an area that is accessible to excellent doctors (even if a bit out of my reach) so I had him send me all his labs, MRI's pathology reports etc., and made an appointment with the best of the best (two actually) a did a consult. Everything was very simple after all- blood in the urine due to biopsy, protein levels spiked in the blood for same, cancer at early stage, not mortal for ten years. Kidney mass 2c in size, does not spread until 4c, in 1 1/2 - 2 years. Treatment would be prostate surgery and tumor ablation for the mass in his kidney. All tolled, it would come out to $22,500 and he could be out of here in 1-2 weeks (preferably two). With his insurance, his co pay would be $4,500. In the states it would be $50,000! He said he wasn't interested, he was going to Mexico instead for an intravenous vitamin treatment for 21 days instead. I about laid an egg, but kept my cool and tried to get at the logic of his decision, but was never clued in.
I will send this in case there is a limit, be right back.
Hi again,
ReplyDeleteLater, when I called him for his birthday again, the following year, he complained about how "tired" he was from the hep c. (Oh, the doctor here had said to me that if he had him here, the first thing he would do would be to send him to a gasro-interologist to be sure he was not ready to be put on a transplant list, in which case there would be no need for the other surgeries.). which I also related to my brother. He somehow thought the treatment in Mexico was going to solve it all.
Anyway, he complained about his low platelets and how tired he was on his birthday because of the hep c, so, like a fool I guess, I went to work again... the standard treatment in the states costs $90,000 for 90 pills, a three month supply! I ended up finding an Australian guy through my search who was coincidentally just heading back from India with the generic version of the same meds he would need for $1,300. US. He was reporting this from his blog through hep c mag, and would be reporting on his treatment, side effects, blood results etc. on his blog. I thought my brother would be received! NOT- didn't have time for it either!
When the guy got cured, one July 3rd, I wrote him and asked if he'd seen the good news, that the meds had worked and he was cured! He said he'd get back to me when he had more time!!!
He never did. The hurt was great, and I knew I had to let go, so I arranged a convenient time for him and called and read some key passages from his blog. I couldn't help but feel there was some sort of a credibility issue, so I figured if he heard it from someone else (the horse's mouth) it might make a difference. I needed to know that he knew what I did and could make an informed choice. He said, " He got cured???". And I thought, where have you been?
On that very call, it came out what an awesome year he had (via telephone) with our MNM! He said she "finally stopped lying to him!". I later wondered how you can tell when a pathological liar stops lying to you, but at the time I just had my aha moment! I had just had the worst year ever with him, coincidence? NO WAY! I was no contact with her and had not considered her influence, and mostly because she shouldn't have had any regarding me, given that he and I had had a face to face, in my home. Anyway, I guess she love-bombed him all year and he fell for it, at our mutual expense. His more than mine, as it turned out. He died on Jan 1st of this year. He called me twelve days before to give me the news, sort of. He read me a pathology report and left me to figure it out. I guess he thought I was good at the medical stuff by then. He had liver cancer from the hep c and cirhossis, and ultimately an acute bout of ascites ( 15 pounds of fluid on his abdomen from liver failure). Went to get it drained off, like got spontaneous bacterial peritonitis or went into which from the excessive fluid drained f measures not taken.
Anyway, our MN mother died on Sept 11 2015, and he died Jan 1st. I called him the Sunday before the Friday he passed, and he said he was eating a waffle. He said something after that I didn't understand and said so. He said, "Like I said, I'm trying to eat a waffle!". And that was the last thing he said to me.
Michelle
Hi again,
ReplyDeleteLater, when I called him for his birthday again, the following year, he complained about how "tired" he was from the hep c. (Oh, the doctor here had said to me that if he had him here, the first thing he would do would be to send him to a gasro-interologist to be sure he was not ready to be put on a transplant list, in which case there would be no need for the other surgeries.). which I also related to my brother. He somehow thought the treatment in Mexico was going to solve it all.
Anyway, he complained about his low platelets and how tired he was on his birthday because of the hep c, so, like a fool I guess, I went to work again... the standard treatment in the states costs $90,000 for 90 pills, a three month supply! I ended up finding an Australian guy through my search who was coincidentally just heading back from India with the generic version of the same meds he would need for $1,300. US. He was reporting this from his blog through hep c mag, and would be reporting on his treatment, side effects, blood results etc. on his blog. I thought my brother would be received! NOT- didn't have time for it either!
When the guy got cured, one July 3rd, I wrote him and asked if he'd seen the good news, that the meds had worked and he was cured! He said he'd get back to me when he had more time!!!
He never did. The hurt was great, and I knew I had to let go, so I arranged a convenient time for him and called and read some key passages from his blog. I couldn't help but feel there was some sort of a credibility issue, so I figured if he heard it from someone else (the horse's mouth) it might make a difference. I needed to know that he knew what I did and could make an informed choice. He said, " He got cured???". And I thought, where have you been?
On that very call, it came out what an awesome year he had (via telephone) with our MNM! He said she "finally stopped lying to him!". I later wondered how you can tell when a pathological liar stops lying to you, but at the time I just had my aha moment! I had just had the worst year ever with him, coincidence? NO WAY! I was no contact with her and had not considered her influence, and mostly because she shouldn't have had any regarding me, given that he and I had had a face to face, in my home. Anyway, I guess she love-bombed him all year and he fell for it, at our mutual expense. His more than mine, as it turned out. He died on Jan 1st of this year. He called me twelve days before to give me the news, sort of. He read me a pathology report and left me to figure it out. I guess he thought I was good at the medical stuff by then. He had liver cancer from the hep c and cirhossis, and ultimately an acute bout of ascites ( 15 pounds of fluid on his abdomen from liver failure). Went to get it drained off, like got spontaneous bacterial peritonitis or went into which from the excessive fluid drained f measures not taken.
Anyway, our MN mother died on Sept 11 2015, and he died Jan 1st. I called him the Sunday before the Friday he passed, and he said he was eating a waffle. He said something after that I didn't understand and said so. He said, "Like I said, I'm trying to eat a waffle!". And that was the last thing he said to me.
Michelle
what a weird guy dying of liver disease and whining about waffles? Was he scamming money and fake the liver disease? Are you sure he is dead?
DeleteHi Peep,
ReplyDeleteThe first part of that message, which I sent separately does not appear. It started out, with: yes, family does it too, in response to the people being "busy". I wrote it out in long hand first, will write it again after I charge up. The comment about your lipedema attributed to Suki was mine too. My mistake, I didn't sign in. Michelle
Thanks Michelle yes please put it in. yes about even "family" being busy.
DeleteHi Peep,
ReplyDeleteHere is part one of "Later, when I called him for his birthday..."
Yes, family members say it too... I just went through this for over a year with my brother.
After a decade of no contact (two really) we reconnected and he came to visit me. I live thousands of miles away, so I naturally placed a lot of importance on his visit. He stayed a week, and we had a great time! I guess I thought we were starting something up, but I think he was somehow done when he got on the plane! I didn't know ....
Whenever I called him after that, he was "busy" working. If I called him at lunch, he was "busy eating". If I called after work, he was "busy" standing in line at the store, or would have to pull over in order to talk to me. On the weekends, he was "resting" up to go back to work!
The thing is, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and a mass in his kidney a year after his visit. Our MNM said that it was "really bad". He had red blood in his urine, an enlarged spleen and was in danger of an esophageal bleed due to varices as a complication of his chronic hep c ... it seems he was hemorrhaging at the seams, according to her, and because he was in the dessert and far from any major medical facilities, they weren't confident with his care or happy with the lack of feedback from his doctors. She said, "Are we just going to wait till we hear that he didn't make it?". And I said, "No, we're not!" and I got to thinking on what I could do. I live in an area that is accessible to excellent doctors (even if a bit out of my reach) so I had him send me his labs, MRI, pathology reports etc., and I made an appointment with the best of the best here and did a consult. Everything was very simple after all- blood in the urine was from the biopsy, high prostate markers in the blood for same, cancer in early stage, not mortal for ten years, mass in kidney 2cm in size, does not begin to spread until 4c, in 1 1/2- 2 years. Treatment would be prostate surgery and tumor ablasion with a needle for the kidney mass. All tolled it would come to $22,500 and he could be out of here in 1-2 weeks (preferably two). With his insurance, his co pay would be $4500. in the states, it would be $50,000! He said he wasn't interested, was going down to Mexico for an intravenous vitamin and leatril treatment instead! I about laid an egg, but kept my cool and tried to get to the logic of his decision, but was never clued in ...
"Later, when I called him for his birthday ..."