Read this post first.
As you see described in that post, I sent off the 8 month old "going no contact" letter I had written and included information about the lipedema diagnosis.
Here was my response from my mother:
"Received [your] letter. Don't know what you want as a response as you will perceive it to say something negative from me, nor will you believe anything I say anyway."
I didn't expect much else. Well she has seen it, I had my final word and won't be responding. Oddly I am more cemented in the "no contact" now, so it wasn't a mistake in that way. Thanks to the commenter who wrote to me there's no wrong way to go "no contact". I was able to say why I left and in that it was a positive.
"I was able to say why I left and in that it was a positive."
ReplyDeleteAnd there ya go! ;) That's exactly what it's about. There just aren't any hard and fast "Rules" and you know your NPs/NFamily better than anyone else. Most importantly, you know YOU better than anyone else and what YOU need to do to initiate NC for you. IMO, their response-if any-doesn't really matter. You did what you needed to do-which takes no small amount of courage.
I understood what you meant when you spoke about your fear *if* they found your Blog. Here we are, adults and we're afraid of our FOOs! Yeesch. Something very wrong with that picture, eh?! Believe it or not, over time your fear really will dissipate: When you don't have a CB FOO routinely slaughtering your self-confidence, it will build slowly but surely.
Congratulations, Peep!
(Sounds like it's been a really good, busy week for you!)
TW
TW
The flip side of the "no wrong way of going no contact" is that if you are expecting them to change and make things better, there is no right way to go no contact. I had a friend whose Mantra was "everything you say can and will be used against you by a narcissist". This was never truer than for the act of removing them and their garbage from your proximity and from between your ears. You can expect and ready yourself for the whole gauntlet of NPD dirty tricks. The smear campaign, the devalue and discard. The attempts to isolate you from any friends she hasn't already by telling them the most shameless lies she can think of. I can tell you that in regards to friends this will separate the wheat from the chaff. Be ready to find yourself alone wondering WTF? happened. I have never seen any endeavor performed as seamlessly and efficiently as a narc betraying a close family member who had the gall to protect themselves and stop the abuse.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tundra Woman. I agree regarding rules, getting away from these people we have to follow our own rules. I know I was too afraid when I first disengaged to send the letter but glad I did, and have this feeling of closure now. The record in my email too, will stand and remind me why I left even years later. I agree about the response, it was pretty much what I expected. Thanks for understand the fear regarding the blog. LOL I know the "fear" thing is weird. I think it may go beyond me being poor and feeling vulnerable. These folks really do a number to our minds. I am glad I opened up and spoke out things here too it really helped me. Yes whenever you turn around and they assault your confidence, it's like a faucet dripping. I know too that the whole family fears my NM, and I am the only one who has ever stood up against her. Yes this week went pretty good. LOL busy. It is nice not to be housebound, [well the beginning of this week was cold] I have a book club to go to and a few other things for the latter part of the week.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the expecting them to change. I know they won't. They will remain the same and no day of reckoning, etc, will change that. These are people who do not even display even an iota of emotion no matter what happens. We like to imagine that other human beings are like us and "feel" inside but the simple fact of the matter is there are people like this who do not. No I gave up "the dream", something every ACON must do to walk away.
ReplyDeleteYes they will use everything you say. The letter was edited beyond the max, even with husband adding back up to it. [confronting their behavior]. I wrote it in the way, that if one line was flubbed or could be used, that they would go to town. I believe I have been discarded and devalued for good, but one never knows. Mine may be the type to simply ERASE me and walk on. One telling part of her nature was finding out, that my leaving both of them for almost 9 months now, was never mentioned to anyone else. {easier to do when family is spread out} There could be "revenge" or other tactics pulled out so thanks for warning me. The smear campaigns have been in force for years but I suppose she could up those. I had to tell someone else she was being lied to.
I feel more freer in my head. Oddly one thing that happened as a result of going ACON, is my life long anxiety and panic attacks, dropped by at least 50%. I still can get one if lungs are under duress, but that was quite an improvement.
Most of my friends do not know her. Only two friends I've known for almost 30 years even met her, while we were in college and I warned about her. Both her and the GC hate that I have friends, they saw any friends that came around as the "enemy", I think just because they were people who loved and supported me.
I made sure to always live in a separate town as an adult. LOL Funny how one has to make life rules like that. The family friends, yes I have to be cautious with the few that are left in my life but most of these are at the level of far flung social media acquaintanceships. I already lost everyone she could take away.
Yes I already do look around and think how on earth did this all happen? That's for sure. Thanks Q.
Peep, Tundra and q1605,
ReplyDeleteWow...I feel like we are sisters in spirit as I can relate so much to your stories, especially the FOG, high anxiety, fear/paranoia and the list continues unfortunately. Today was my 40 birthday, a milestone for many. I've been NC for over 2 yrs. I'm from a very large FOO, and was always giving - remembering everyone's birthdays etc. I would go without if that means my mother, sister, niece, nephew, brother got recognized, picking the perfect card and gift. Fast forward to today, my two young children never get recognized. All I got from my sister with the birth of my 2nd child was a text message that read PUSH! No card, no call at the hospital, no flowers from everyone chipping in together, you know, normal behavior. Three weeks after the birth of my second child, I had a cardiac ablation for SVT -rapid heartbeat - still nothing - no calls, no cards, emails. So today, I quote David Byrn from Talking Heads - "same as it ever was.. same as it ever was."
I, too, comptemplated sending a letter, but like you all stated perfectly already, they will try to twist it, invalidate, or glean a new angle to torment you later. Sometimes when I'm driving I'll begin the letter in my head, and by the time I arrive at my destination, the letter was figutively aborted. So I commend you, Peep, for your strength of spirit.
Continue....
Thanks for saying you relate, yes the FOG, high anxiety--I asked myself why was I so afraid of these people? [but hey the book The Gift of Fear tells you that our instincts provide a true alarm system Happy birthday. :) I am glad you have been NC for two years. . I am sorry they ignored even your children which is rude and they left you in hospital sick and ignored. Yes these N families do not treat a person normal though I watched my NM go running to the hospital for every extended relative but it never happened for me.
DeleteYes with letters, they can twist, invalidate it or try and use it. I had others helping me with it to make sure it was written in a way, so it could not be used. LOL that had to be the most edited letter on the planet. I know for some sending a letter may not work, and every situation is different. My lipedema diagnosis opened a door where I had to say "Look you people abused me over being fat for years." It's strange because I sat on the letter so long feeling like I was "waiting for something". Thanks for your encouragement. :)
Peep, thanks for sharing your N mother's response. It never ceases to amaze me how cold-hearted these N parents are toward their own flesh and blood. I also find it interesting that in writing what amounts to one sentence, she says so much. Her one liner is the epitome of indifference. It's as if she shrugged and said "so what?!" "what do you want from meeee?!" Yeah, it's all about her. The only reference to you is in the form of projection: You will perceive *her* response as negative, and you won't believe *her* anyway. Methinks she just told you right there what she thinks of your letter. Damn. These narcs always give themselves away.
ReplyDeleteIf your N mother and sister are anything like mine, they ERASED you a long time ago, but just because you are non-existent (in their eyes) doesn't mean they ever stopped or ever will stop slandering or maligning you. Letter or no letter, the smear campaign never ends.
From one ACON to another, I really hope the letter got under her lizard skin. Her response was really open ended with the intent to leave you on the defensive. Maybe you should reply "oh well." If you respond at all be sure to make it shorter than hers. These narcs like to press our buttons.
My mother is the most cold-hearted person I have ever known, and my sister is next in line too. She has no emotions. Yes indifference sums up her attitude towards me. I stayed in the N prison longer years ago thinking that some help that came after I was abandoned in the ghetto to die, was sincere but now I know it was for appearances. She really truly does not care if I live or die. Lipedema via infections has almost cost me my life especially in 2001. She basically is saying "So What?" and made even this all about her. This is a woman where "I'm sorry" [not even fake one] has never left her lips. Yes I was ERASED a long time ago. They merely tolerated me and did the prescribed for appearances actions. Mine told people not to invite me to a wedding, and not to bother visiting me "it was too much trouble" before I went NC. She knows I am on to her and in her cowardly sociopathic narcissism, will never ever admit she is wrong about anything. I don't plan to write back, there is nothing more to say to her. I wrote Goodbye as the last line to both her and my sister. Thanks for your support.
DeleteOne other point, is now I have no doubts about what they are. You know people worry that they are misjudging people etc. The ACON too has been trained by the narcs to question their perspectives, but here, this gave me closure in knowing they exposed themselves for what they are inside with no doubts left. Thanks everyone for your responses and support I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteHer response is such an NP classic:
ReplyDelete-"Don't know what you want as a response.." Oh yes, she DOES: Validation, confirmation-hell, even a modicum of acknowledgement of your medical dx. in situ would be minimally a humane response rendered to anyone who's grappling with a serious medical condition. Once again, she's engaging in Witholding which has been one of her main tactics of abuse from your earliest experiences/memories. In doing so, she refuses to acknowledge your very humanity and suffering-or her role in initiating and perpetuating your status as "Non-Entity." As Anon above observed, she again ERASED you. (Yes! What a great descriptive word!)
-"...as you will *perceive* it to say something negative from me.." She *tells* you what your "perceptions" will be and directly stated they will be "negative." She can read your mind. She knows you far better than you know yourself. She knows your statements of Fact and Reality constitute a nefarious agenda-as Anon observed, Projection in action on her part.
-"...nor will you believe anything I say." More Projection and re-writing history. She has shamelessly lied to you throughout your life and asserts in a back-handed manner her veracity is not in question: Your's however, IS.
What a jihad of gaslighting, obfuscating and flat out refusal to address any of the facts you presented in your note. You, Peep, are the "Perpetrator" and she is the "Victim." She has wiped her own nasty off on you, the lowly "DD" who has spent her life in the one-down position, craning upward at her Superior Power-Broker Position. (Is your neck getting sore yet?!)
q's last sentence is unfortunately so very true. We are left without any kind of Social Support and effectively cut off from the *entire* "Family." Your statement regarding the rest of your family demonstrated another fact of NFOOS: They're afraid to call the N on their horrible behavior. Fear is not love.
FWIW, my Walking Cluster B "mother" did not care if I was beat to death, starved to death, froze to death. I also have never heard the following from her:
"I'm sorry.
"I was wrong."
"I love you."
Bruises fade. Broken bones mend. Burns scar over. It is the psychological Legacy that leaves the longest, deepest demands. Truth is IMO always the first casualty when dealing with CBs/NFOOS. Holding firm and fast to your own Truth is your light in the darkness that pervades an NFOO and that which they endeavor with all their resources to extinguish. It takes tremendous courage and tenacity over years to keep your flame burning. Ultimately, it will illuminate your way out. It's as if we have spent our lives in an invisible prison never realizing we held the key to freedom. Your Truth, painful as, is your key to a Life instead of a Life Sentence: "Now I have no doubts about what they are." And now, you are free. Please give yourself plenty of time to adjust! ;)
TW
Yes it definitely is an NP classic. She always has denied me any validation or even confirmation as a human being. Definitely. Keep in mind I have almost died of lipedema related infections, 105.5 fever in 2001, in hospital for 13 days and bedridden the next 3 months. It didn't escape my attention that the diagnosis as ignored and not even mentioned.
DeleteI have suffered from this for years, the pain in the legs, the EXTREME bloating and swelling, which for years, I was told because I was at fault and "fat". Maybe I'll write about this sometime but she looked at my legs especially my worse ones as they swelling in the beginning with disgust. Not any "Why don't we get you help?" or anything like that, she would comment on it like I had chosen my leg to become like that. Sneers of disgust, upturned nose, etc.
Funny you mention WITHOLDING as I was reading a book on verbal abuse and they discussed that as one of the worse ways of being abused and I realized that applied to my mother, nothing substantive was shared EVER< no emotions, nothing, no true interactions outside of being told what chores to do and necessary talk, like "dinner is ready". She has never acknowledged me as a human being or my suffering. She had this way of always wiping me away, for herself or even others. Yes an erasure and one that was done very early on.
Yes she tells me what my perceptions Will be and automatically that they are wrong. That was a general reality with her every feeling, thought, perception or belief I had was always wrong in her book. Sickening. Talk about gaslighting. This is a way to dismiss someone's thoughts and feelings.
I agree that it is all projection and her whining about me not believing anything she says, why should I? She has done nothing but lie to me all my life or withheld everything. That statement proves me to me she has lied, and there's probably far more lies then what I have even found out.
continuing...
You sum things up well here:
ReplyDelete"She has shamelessly lied to you throughout your life and asserts in a back-handed manner her veracity is not in question: Your's however, IS."
YES!!!
Exactly.
Yes total gaslighting, obfuscating and flat out refusal to address anything or deal with anything. Nothing new with this woman. This is all I got for many many years.
Yes the sheer "I am superior" to you messages are nauseating. She thinks a little bit more money then average makes her queen of the world. With both her and my sister, the upturned nose, the sneer, the sigh of disgust for all varieties of underlings but even louder for the scapegoat was the daily behavior.
Agree about q's last sentence. I have a few relatives left but know even there I must be careful, the majority of the family is gone however. They destroy relationships and do cut off our social supports. Yes my family has never defended me against her onslaughts. My brother did against some mocking of my weight but even he is still stuck in the NFOG and not being the scapegoat the abuse just was not the same for him but the rest they kowtow to her, without pause. They do fear her. For many this fear led them to distance themselves from me, her hated scapegoat. Nope I do not think it is love, not at all.
I am sorry so much happened to you, nope these Narcs do not care what happens. Mine did not care that I lived in severe poverty that almost cost me my life, and in the final letter I confronted her with something I held in for years, when I got sick in a giant metro city left to live in poverty in a mice and rat filled apart in a dangerous area with no car--remember I could not walk, no phone, no working stove. I brought it all up. I also brought up the day she looked at me during my severe weight gain, covered in sores, balding head--untreated thyroid disease back then and probably lipedema/lymphedema issues, sneered at me. I actually have a PHOTO of her doing the literal sneering at me on the visit that day and she leaves to shop til she drops and does nothing. No help, no nothing-only putdowns. Today being the age I am now, and while I've never had children, I know a loving mother seeing an adult child in that much illness weight or not, would have helped or taken her home with her, and gotten her hospitalized or medical treatments. I found for my life--found the pro-bono endocrinologist and kept fighting to stay alive and lived far longer then anyone thought probably including her.
I never heard the phrases, "I'm sorry, or I was wrong or I love you" from my mother either. My father would say "I love you" a few times but his abuse drowned it out. She came first to him by far. He never protected me and agreed with every one of her opinions of me.
I agree about the psychological legacy leaving the deepest and longest demands. Definitely. I believe if it was not for God I'd be long ago departed from this earth coming out of this crucible of hatred and rejection of my very personhood. Yes truth is a light in the darkness. Yes we hold the key to freedom. I took the axe lifted it up way above my head, brought it down and sliced the chains, she has no more power over me anymore. I know what she is and have no doubt. Yes I need time to adjust, the diagnosis and this all in the same week. I have walked out of the prison cell, and yes there is some fear, I'll admit that but yes I am free now. Thank you TW <3
Since this all happened, HOPE is a recovered emotion for me and I look forward to life now. I am praying to God now about where life may go but yes freedom is sweet. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you, Peep! You showed that witch mother of yours that you will not be defeated. You have more courage and strength in your little finger than all the rotten narcs have combined. You've had the cards stacked against you and you survived all of it with such dignity and grace - THAT must really threaten your hateful mother. She failed in her attempts to destroy you and she knows it. Go Peep!
ReplyDeleteLisette
(for some reason a former comment of mine came out anonymous).
Thanks Lisette, LOL someone told me to make their comment anon, I guess I choose wrong one but there was no other name post so maybe it never posted. Thanks for your encouragement, I pray I am not defeated. Oh finding out what was wrong with me was a gift! All those years of blame and shame. Thanks for saying I have courage and strength. I may have the health problems but I didn't let them break me. Yes, she wanted to destroy me and failed! Lately my brother is having some interesting conversations with me, he knows something is 'wrong' with both of them. By the way YOUR BLOG was very helpful to me, I was reading for over a year before I wrote anything on there. :) You are a survivor as well, Lisette :)
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