Saturday, March 18, 2017

Fighting With God

Wrestling with God

Too many people have been painted a picture of God that looks more like a jealous boyfriend in a drunken rage than the peaceful, inclusive Rabi who said “if you’re tired and burnt out, come hang with me- because my way is light and not burdensome”.
As a result, our concept of God internalizes into all sorts of other broken thinking, and leads us to see everything bad that happens in life as being a divine punishment from God.
Over time, we actually start to believe that God hates us. The concept gets rooted so deep, that even when we mentally reject it, our “emotional memory” still uses it as a go-to hermeneutic for understanding life events.
I’ve been in relationships before where I couldn’t do anything right and was chronically reminded of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, these situations don’t often cause us to become better- instead, we eventually start to believe that we’re just as bad as other people think we are.
I can’t have this kind of relationship with God anymore.
I hope that you can’t either.
Let’s repent together, and stop thinking that God hates us.
Cause honestly, I don’t need anymore enemies (you should see my in-box).
I need friends.

Some of this is left over from dealing with Mrs. Curses. Spiritual abuse like narcissistic abuse can have it's effects too. I have been fighting with God a lot. Some would call it wrestling with God. Others would call it constant arguments. Like this guy above, I can't have this kind of relationship with God anymore either.

I left the IFB as I have mentioned before and a lot of things are changing for me. Seeing God as just another "person" I got to toe the line for or else, wore me the hell out. Unconditional love is a hard thing for ACONs to grasp a hold of since we never had it.

I guess that's my best way to explain it.  I'm done with legalistic churches trying to dictate endless "rules" but I know like many other abused people I struggle with a vision of God being like my abusive parents.

 Like this guy above mentions, there is a lot of time, I feel like God hates me. Some of my health problems are so extreme and the poverty unrelenting and some of the rest, there's days I have just shaken my head. I went around crying to close Christian friends that maybe God hated me like Esau and maybe I should just give it up but they assured me this was not true.  My husband during some of these days, asked me if I was becoming an "atheist" again, I said, "No I do not want to become an atheist again, I believe Christianity is true." He cracked some jokes, I didn't find so funny, saying "Let's take God into the parking lot and kick his butt!" I'm not sure if he was trying to give me a deeper message here: ie God is in control don't be absurd here Peep, or just trying to make me laugh while I was shaking my fists at the heavens.

I realize my relationship with God was seen as a person who could not do anything right. Ie, the whole relationship was built on endless rules and regulations, yes I believe relationship with God was the most important but this idea, that I was "not good" enough for God was in me too. I'm not sure how this will all spiritually pan out yet but it is a process.


  1. Dear Peep, Please know that we really are in the end times. And if you truly love God, the times are very difficult, as least they are for me. Evil is ever present and right before me. But the Lord said, He would prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies and that's what it feels like daily. He also said, pick-up your cross and follow Me. To understand His sacrifice and suffering , we as believers will experience this. How else could we possibly understand His ultimate sacrifice & the cross? There is a price to pay and it it not easy. Matt7:14, The gate is narrow and few find it. Jesus does stick closer than a brother when abandon by family and this world. Your blog is so raw & real , no fluff, beautifully written and I truly appreciate you. Honestly, I didn't want to come here anymore with the Trump mocking. For me, the end times are not about Democrats & Republicans, but seeking the will of God & I have seen it ALL just returning from living on the continent of globalization. As I have mentioned before,I no longer attend church because most churches have been infiltrated by Satan (religious narcs & a twisted Gospel) have aligned with 501c non-profit status and the Clergy Response Team. This is a time when one's faith will be attacked and the great falling away will occur...hold on tight, the Lord loves you dearly...If I can help in anyway with health issues, I would be more than happy I have been thru endocrine hell myself. If this post, is too raw, please feel free not to post. Bless You Peep, Kittiestravel

    1. I agree we in the end times, it is true the times are difficult for those who love God. You are right the Bible warns of the tribulation or "evil" we have to contend with. A lot teach falsely that to be a "good Christian" will mean a easier life. I heard this even in the last church where they said if you obey God, you will be blessed [in this world] that's some false theology right there. Thanks for your kind words about my blog. Sorry we disagree about Trump remember how I view both parties. I would be interested in what you saw on the "continent of globalization". I am not a Democrat either, it gets complicated explaining that IRL to people trust me since I am protesting Trump, as a wicked man. I did put up a verse about rich men oppressing the poor in one later protest poster. I know the right vs. left fights can have their own problems that is for sure.

      I no longer attend church either, I go to book clubs, charity community dinners and occasional bible studies etc, but no church attendance. There's too much I disagree with like you, with the "clergy", "tithing", "family-focus" and errors of the Nicolatians. There's nice people I appreciate who attend them of course. I have been under faith attack, no doubt of that. I suppose it is something a Christian should prepare for. There were times I felt like I was being slowly crushed like something in a morter and pestle. Sorry for your endocrine hell. Thanks for your encouragement Kittiestravel. :)

    2. I am doing better now, wanted to say that. I am "working things out" with God. I am thinking about some heavy issues regarding God and how false messages and enabling of narcissism and evil in the churches [and society too], some stuff Smakintosh warns about too impacted some of this.

  2. I seem to think of God as someone who gives me impossible tasks and enjoys watching me squirm. Such a terrible thing to say, I know, but that is always my first thought. Now, I have to reach my doctor's office for my disability papers were not done right, and I need to make sure they get done right. Just a couple of changes, according to the disability office. But I have to be the one to make this come about. I find this hard. Feels like I am in a bind.

    But I know God doesn't cause this. In fact, he remembers that we are only dust, and asks that I lean on him. Just like I'm tired, exhausted, and have to lean on something entirely or I don't make it. So many Christians have a remarkable testimony, a deliverance, but for me, just entirely leaning is the best part. Its a good place to be. So I just say that if it all screws up, my eyeballs, and my leaning will be on God. Like a sanctuary.

    He's not enjoying watching me squirm, I know that, but its never my first thought.

    1. I see God the same way, looking down at me, "oh you didn't do that or this". Even thinking of good works expected of Christians, [I don't believe in works based gospel of course] and think I've failed on that one. I was telling a friend last night the poverty drives me crazy because I can't "Do" much for anyone, well maybe making one person happy will help. It's not a terrible thing to say, SO MANY OF US FEEL IT. During fights with God, this issue came up, I said "YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE TOO HIGH". Yes it's funny but I told God that.

      LOL I hope I do not argue myself into hell. I am not pious or your typical Christian. Sorry you have to worry about disability papers, I hate business details. We have to do taxes Saturday and by Wed I have to deal with some numbers. Sometimes it boggles my mind how me without a job always has paperwork. I'm trying to get two paintings done, including butterfly one I plan to sell. Hope you can get your paperwork done okay.

      Yeah God didn't set up the paperwork or rest. I am glad you feel you can lean on God. THAT MEANS A LOT. With me that got a bit touchy, I felt like He let me down. There was one day I was crying over the car not starting a second time [the recent second oops third break down] and said, "Please just start it. I know I have to get away from God as fairy godmother/father as delivered to me in fundamentalist churches. :( He doesn't care about you getting a parking space when that other person is dying of stage 4 cancer. LOL Hope I don't offend writing that. I know I have leaned on God before in life, but right now kind of distant from Him spending last few months in constant arguments. I'm not getting a "divorce" but the communication has been fraught with trouble. Things are somewhat better now. I used to have a great testimony when I got saved, I used to reel people in with it, which is why today's troubles are a bit "embarrassing?" I think your being able to lean on God though is everything. I know I am trying to unravel the "God hates you" knot at this time and working through the feelings of betrayal of Him letting narcs win, this frustrating body and other unanswered prayers. I suppose faith will go through massive tests in a course of a lifetime.

  3. Hi Peep, I'm glad to hear you are feeling better:). Yes, Smakintosh has a potent and powerful calling, deep and straight from the Word of God regarding the wicked. And also the difference between a sinful person who will repent and the "choosing evil" reprobate mind (malignant narc). One can think of the physical church as the world now. No longer a place of comfort and mercy, In addition, religious narcs are the worst. As far as the globalization of the EU, the US is not receiving all the daily attacks of rape, murder, and knifings that are occurring. The EU is no longer safe and one is on their own with gun control policies in place. Europe has not seen this type of violence since the WW11. This is open borders and the "free for all" policies of Merkel....a complete disaster. In addition, the presense of "No Go" zones which the police can not even enter are growing.TheGatestoneInstitute,gatestoneinstitute.orghas documented the EU migrant crisis.

    1. Thanks. I agree about Smakintosh, he has a few new videos up by the way. Yes there is a big difference between typical sinners and the given over to evil types. Agree about the churches, the narcs have taken over, they enable the evil. I have read some alternative news, for some reason the world powers, decided to let Europe basically have an "invasion", small countries having 1 million immigrants added is not nice immigration anymore but some kind of plan to bring unrest to a nation, I've read some on the horrible rapes in Sweden and elsewhere. Merkel has betrayed her own country. I can't stand trump but some of his followers were right about immigration getting out of control here, it definitely is THERE.

  4. Hey Peep, I just want to add's seems to me with the darkness increasing that I'm seeing people who I didnt realize were "dormant narcs" becoming full-blown narcs." Anyone noticing this? It's so bizarre. Also, the married businessman narc who I recently mentioned, had the nerve to contact me again and ask if I was attending a convention and he would like to caught-up??? Now here comes the no response & NO CONTACT. Pisses me off & I hate being hunted by this wicked entity. Trying to play it cool because it's the business world and you don't want to burn bridges. Well, let bridges burn...I'm sick of this! James4:7