Wrestling with God
Too many people have been painted a picture of God that looks more like a jealous boyfriend in a drunken rage than the peaceful, inclusive Rabi who said “if you’re tired and burnt out, come hang with me- because my way is light and not burdensome”.
As a result, our concept of God internalizes into all sorts of other broken thinking, and leads us to see everything bad that happens in life as being a divine punishment from God.
Over time, we actually start to believe that God hates us. The concept gets rooted so deep, that even when we mentally reject it, our “emotional memory” still uses it as a go-to hermeneutic for understanding life events.
I’ve been in relationships before where I couldn’t do anything right and was chronically reminded of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, these situations don’t often cause us to become better- instead, we eventually start to believe that we’re just as bad as other people think we are.
I can’t have this kind of relationship with God anymore.
I hope that you can’t either.
Let’s repent together, and stop thinking that God hates us.
Cause honestly, I don’t need anymore enemies (you should see my in-box).
I need friends.
Some of this is left over from dealing with Mrs. Curses. Spiritual abuse like narcissistic abuse can have it's effects too. I have been fighting with God a lot. Some would call it wrestling with God. Others would call it constant arguments. Like this guy above, I can't have this kind of relationship with God anymore either.
I left the IFB as I have mentioned before and a lot of things are changing for me. Seeing God as just another "person" I got to toe the line for or else, wore me the hell out. Unconditional love is a hard thing for ACONs to grasp a hold of since we never had it.
I guess that's my best way to explain it. I'm done with legalistic churches trying to dictate endless "rules" but I know like many other abused people I struggle with a vision of God being like my abusive parents.
Like this guy above mentions, there is a lot of time, I feel like God hates me. Some of my health problems are so extreme and the poverty unrelenting and some of the rest, there's days I have just shaken my head. I went around crying to close Christian friends that maybe God hated me like Esau and maybe I should just give it up but they assured me this was not true. My husband during some of these days, asked me if I was becoming an "atheist" again, I said, "No I do not want to become an atheist again, I believe Christianity is true." He cracked some jokes, I didn't find so funny, saying "Let's take God into the parking lot and kick his butt!" I'm not sure if he was trying to give me a deeper message here: ie God is in control don't be absurd here Peep, or just trying to make me laugh while I was shaking my fists at the heavens.
I realize my relationship with God was seen as a person who could not do anything right. Ie, the whole relationship was built on endless rules and regulations, yes I believe relationship with God was the most important but this idea, that I was "not good" enough for God was in me too. I'm not sure how this will all spiritually pan out yet but it is a process.