The other day I yelled at someone in front of 40 people and did not care. I would do it again too. Sometimes I think the years of disrespect and being housed in a very socially hated body have gotten to me. While I am too big for most people to get in my face and overtly abuse me, and got some bearing during my Chicago years to avoid the worse abuses, there is still that "subtle covert" abuse crap to contend with. I notice some neurotypicals are really into their unwritten rules and if you dare breach their endless rules they go nuts, and are in your face. There is also the tinge of ableism here. Why couldn't I be left in peace while I was helping?
There are times I have weird thoughts to myself about what it would mean to be "accepted" and I dwell far too negatively upon the lot of my life, and how life would have been far better if I had a "normal body" or had a "normal amount of money". The grief over lack of status in life seems worse when one is older. I've realized since these moments of self castigation are not doing me any favors, but it seems, when I calm down and feel in peace within myself, something always happens to make it too known that people do not "see me" like others.
We went to the food co-op, and my husband was in a hurry as usual which irritates me, I am not angry at him but his endless legion of meetings and responsibilities for so little seems to bear down on me. He tells me, "We got to be out of here by 6:00 pm" and "You gotta go with me" to a board meeting he has to report on just with the pressures of time. Sometimes it feels weird to me, he has to interview these well-heeled people with suburban houses, and secure jobs, and here we are struggling at the food pantry and food co-op. This is one of those weeks between car repairs, and paper work, even I am tired, wondering why a disabled woman has to do so much "work" taking a jaundiced eye at the blown up kitchen, that has a pile of mess in there just for me making some chicken breasts with salad and rice. When I am not housebound, I try to help him with some stuff. I'm supposed to show up at the food coop at least some of the time.
Anyhow since he is in a hurry, at the food co-op, I thought I would help unpack some boxes and get things moving. Being disabled I have rules about "moving around". If I can breathe I want to move a little bit. I would be fatter if I never moved and that is always in the back of my mind.
That day was a "good" COPD day so I figure why not. The food co-op run by a church has us unbox our own food. I'm too weak to unload the boxes but can take some of the food and put it in the baskets they use to separate the food.
I can tell they do not want me helping. I tried helping and because there was a few baskets that still needed meat and I was keeping my eye on those, this guy gets in my face, and tells me, "to stop what I am doing". It makes no sense to me as later, others will repeat my action of putting cereal into the baskets, but I notice my mere presence seems to be pissing people off and it makes me angry. So I let the anger show and I say "Leave me the hell alone" and "Get out of my face". I later worry I will be thrown out of the food co-op. This guy who looks healthy enough to have a good factory job, stomps off, and complains about me.
Some weird rule about all baskets need to be filled with the meat first so things "are not crushed" is announced to the group. There was never any danger of the cereal being crushed or anything like that. We had no soft bread or crackers among the canned goods and boxed things. I had broken some "neurotypical" rule and also broken the rule as a disabled woman, I am not supposed to do anything or "take intiative" and just "passively watch". Because I am seen as "low status", some guy decides to tell me what to do like he is my factory foreman.
I don't regret standing up for myself. I think next time I will be "left alone". It is weird to me when adults run off to tattle, like they are 12.
It has occurred to me because of my weight and state of being in the world, people just see me in the way. I am "not liked". It does disturb me. One does not want to go through life being "hated" just for being physically present, but that to be honest with you all, is the fate of the severely obese. Why sugar coat it? This stuff needs stood up against, for any change.
It is ironic, because if I "gave up" like they all claim we do, I'd never leave the house, I would not be able to walk. I wonder if that happens to some severely fat people because the endless bullcrap one is forced to put up with breaks one soul. It is getting to me. I am drawing stronger boundaries on myself, I have to. I don't want to put up with it.
I hit my late 40s and got tired of being pushed aside. Sure all us ACONS worry about fleas and there is that piece of me thinking "Quit being selfish" but I got pushed into being part of the wallpaper too long. Why did this guy think he had the right to order me around, I was OLDER then he was.
When I did all this no contact thing, it changed me. I used to fawn like hell to make up for being so fat, to make up for being me. There was always a smile for everyone. It also made me more of prey. In Chicago, I did have to learn to fight some to survive, it was fight or be squished, and that changed me, but the mode of people pleasing remained overall intact. How did the jolly fat person thing get started, oh we had to smile all the time not to get beaten up? I'm just not in the mood to be that person anymore.