Wednesday, March 8, 2017

No More Fawning Fat Woman

The other day I yelled at someone in front of 40 people and did not care. I would do it again too. Sometimes I think the years of disrespect and being housed in a very socially hated body have gotten to me. While I am too big for most people to get in my face and overtly abuse me, and got some bearing during my Chicago years to avoid the worse abuses, there is still that "subtle covert" abuse crap to contend with. I notice some neurotypicals are really into their unwritten rules and if you dare breach their endless rules they go nuts, and are in your face. There is also the tinge of ableism here. Why couldn't I be left in peace while I was helping?

 There are times I have weird thoughts to myself about what it would mean to be "accepted" and I dwell far too negatively upon the lot of my life, and how life would have been far better if I had a "normal body" or had a "normal amount of money". The grief over lack of status in life seems worse when one is older. I've realized since these moments of self castigation are not doing me any favors, but it seems, when I calm down and feel in peace within myself, something always happens to make it too known that people do not "see me" like others.

We went to the food co-op, and my husband was in a hurry as usual which irritates me, I am not angry at him but his endless legion of meetings and responsibilities for so little seems to bear down on me.  He tells me, "We got to be out of here by 6:00 pm" and "You gotta go with me" to a board meeting he has to report on just with the pressures of time. Sometimes it feels weird to me, he has to interview these well-heeled people with suburban houses, and secure jobs, and here we are struggling at the food pantry and food co-op. This is one of those weeks between car repairs, and paper work, even I am tired, wondering why a disabled woman has to do so much "work" taking a jaundiced eye at the blown up kitchen, that has a pile of mess in there just for me making some chicken breasts with salad and rice. When I am not housebound, I try to help him with some stuff. I'm supposed to show up at the food coop at least some of the time.

Anyhow since he is in a hurry, at the food co-op, I thought I would help unpack some boxes and get things moving.  Being disabled I have rules about "moving around". If I can breathe I want to move a little bit.  I would be fatter if I never moved and that is always in the back of my mind.

That day was a "good" COPD day so I figure why not. The food co-op run by a church has us unbox our own food. I'm too weak to unload the boxes but can take some of the food and put it in the baskets they use to separate the food.

 I can tell they do not want me helping. I tried helping and because there was a few baskets that still needed meat and I was keeping my eye on those, this guy gets in my face, and tells me, "to stop what I am doing". It makes no sense to me as later, others will repeat my action of putting cereal into the baskets, but I notice my mere presence seems to be pissing people off and it makes me angry. So I let the anger show and I say "Leave me the hell alone" and "Get out of my face".  I later worry I will be thrown out of the food co-op. This guy who looks healthy enough to have a good factory job, stomps off, and complains about me.

 Some weird rule about all baskets need to be filled with the meat first so things "are not crushed" is announced to the group. There was never any danger of the cereal being crushed or anything like that.  We had no soft bread or crackers among the canned goods and boxed things. I had broken some "neurotypical" rule and also broken the rule as a disabled woman, I am not supposed to do anything or "take intiative" and just "passively watch".  Because I am seen as "low status", some guy decides to tell me what to do like he is my factory foreman.

I don't regret standing up for myself. I think next time I will be "left alone". It is weird to me when adults run off to tattle, like they are 12.

It has occurred to me because of my weight and state of being in the world, people just see me in the way. I am "not liked". It does disturb me.  One does not want to go through life being "hated" just for being physically present, but that to be honest with you all, is the fate of the severely obese.  Why sugar coat it? This stuff needs stood up against, for any change.

It is ironic, because if I "gave up" like they all claim we do, I'd never leave the house, I would not be able to walk. I wonder if that happens to some severely fat people because the endless bullcrap one is forced to put up with breaks one soul. It is getting to me. I am drawing stronger boundaries on myself, I have to. I don't want to put up with it.

I hit my late 40s and got tired of being pushed aside. Sure all us ACONS worry about fleas and there is that piece of me thinking "Quit being selfish" but I got pushed into being part of the wallpaper too long. Why did this guy think he had the right to order me around, I was OLDER then he was.

When I did all this no contact thing, it changed me. I used to fawn like hell to make up for being so fat, to make up for being me. There was always a smile for everyone. It also made me more of prey.  In Chicago, I did have to learn to fight some to survive, it was fight or be squished, and that changed me, but the mode of people pleasing remained overall intact.  How did the jolly fat person thing get started, oh we had to smile all the time not to get beaten up? I'm just not in the mood to be that person anymore. 


  1. I always fell like I'm being selfish. I often feel like I'm only put on this earth to serve the rest of the people. In your case I probably would have battled with the thought of letting that guy have his way, its hard.

    I mean, what else do we know? Being brought up being put down every minute of the day, this is all we know. Anything else, I have to say, I have to guess and take chances and just try, and if I'm wrong, oh well. Its not fleas, its only that we don't know how to act, or how to be. And being in a large body, only makes it worse.

    But you know the state of how you feel will seriously affect your health, so that must come first. And the reality is, with the exception of people who care about you, people generally don't care about you. So in essence it doesn't matter.

    I have to work hard on responding vs reacting, its taking me a long time, and I screw it up. I might never get it. But at the end of the day, I realize I could be locked up in some mental hospital chewing my sleeves all day. I still have some ability to cope. I still believe I'm a winner. The narcissists didn't take me out.

    1. Yes I was always told I was selfish too, it sucked, I definitely was made into a servant--I showed that on the Cinderella article, when I got too sick to do the constant volunteer work and "help" I remember some of the negative feelings that came up about that.

      I hate that feeling of always being told I am doing something wrong, or put on the stick, analyzed to death. Either ignored or criticized and it sucks. I know I was put down every second, Queen Spider excelled in it. It's like I don't get to exist like other people. All the fat bigots or ones who feel offended by the "space" I take up just triggered me back, it's hard. I am not sure how much is fleas too. Yes the large body just feels like more torture for me. Sometimes I read ACON boards and envy the people with normal thin bodies who can get jobs and "succeed" their way out of the scapegoat hellhole. I feel trapped. Sometimes lately I've gone into rants, who "gave me this body" thinking of adoption and then thinking if she had anything to do with it, then I hate her guts even more. It's kind of a twisted mess, I know it.

      I have to go calm down then. I needed the food so I didn't fight with the group leader. I probably will just let my husband go and collect the food or will sit there and do nothing now. If my help is not appreciated it, I won't give it anymore. I agree most people don't care. The room was so loud most probably don't even know what happened anyway but would just have known I was angry and not much else. Mr. Tattle tale told the group leader. I had negative thoughts about him, he looked healthy and "normal", why are you even here? I know I have to be careful with my own prejudices. He was a tattooed white guy.

      I know a lot of the time I kind of walk around with a glass wall around me. The body makes things hard. Sometimes when people invade my space, I have to put up boundaries. Even being this disabled and on a walker, I feel more afraid too, unlike young me, if I got hit or jumped the damage would be far worse now if someone turned things physical and I was afraid for a minute the guy would touch me but then I thought he wouldn't dare, my husband who is 6 inches taller then him would enter the fray. I noticed my husband watching all this, and knew he would enter in if needed be. Sometimes I do think if I was not married, I would be squished. This world feels dangerous to me looking like I do.

      I didn't want to fight anyone either, I liked putting the cereal in the boxes, and just wanted left alone. LOL about mental hospital. I could be there too or like Aunt Scapegoat hiding in my house, she never left not even to get charity, I think she just went hungry. She passively waited for others to meet her needs and they did. At least I still risk going out in the world. Most places I am left alone in this small town even in the inner city area. There's times lately I have said to husband as a joke, "Im tired, when can we move into a group home". LOL one therapist told us both we are coping the best we can, when I took us there saying I could not handle this world anymore and there's no money. I am glad you are a winner and the narcissists didn't take you out. I do believe there are more people my size out there, statistics bear it out and my doctors have said they have other very large patients too [they don't share names or any other details] at least I am leaving the house and not hiding away like a lot of severely fat people do. I can see why they do, but I was never one to give in either like you.

  2. I think you're right, the idea of the jolly fat person comes from having to be submissive or be abused more. I think you had every right to tell the guy off. If he thought there was a problem, he could have said it politely and in a friendly helpful way, not in a way like you are doing some evil deed LOL that must be stopped.

    1. This is very severe for the very heavy or supersized, there is almost the expectation that you be fawning or smiling and jolly or joking or every one's pal and I am way too Aspie and serious to pull it off. I think many fat people do get into that submissive stance, fearing more abuse. I am glad I told him off and would do it again. He could have asked me nicely too. I am realizing that noisy crowded room--they got people and boxes jam-packed in there, also had me on massive edge. My husband can barely handle it too but the guy still needed told off.

  3. Hi Peep,
    I know that you feel like you were attacked because you are "different", but why would you assume that all or most of the people at the food coop are "normal"? My husband and I belonged to one when we were poor, and the people there, in general, were judgemental, unfriendly and just plain odd. I did not like any of them, and I didn't care if they liked me or not. You think that you are disabled but those people are socially disabled! Maybe people in rough spots in their lives who are trying to be responsible join food coops. That's why I was there.
    I do believe, though, that people like us who were raised by wolves, are more capable of identifying people we do not want to be around. I have no qualms about not being friendly to those who make me uncomfortable. Hopefully, you scared him off!
    My best to you and hubby, Agnes

    1. It's true not all of them would be "normal", I suppose I thought it was due to standing out due to my disabilities. My husband hates crowded rooms that are noisy and he is on edge too. It sucks, I had more hope for this food co-op at the beginning there would be some real social interaction but there isn't. We now just want to pick up our food and leave. I think I may be facing what you are. I feel judged too. Obviously this guy "judged me". I am not going to try to be social, this neighborhood is too far for me to get to except when we drive and they all seem to know each other, maybe they go the church, we do not. LOL about them being socially disabled. This guy definitely was. I agree that those raised by wolves see people more readily we do not want to be close to or feel warned of. The leader in the group is okay but I feel uncomfortable in general, and probably should listen to those feelings. I don't plan to be friendly now or go out of my way. I am not going to help unpack next time. I think I did scare him off at least. :)

  4. I do not think it is all your size, altho it probably is; also non-conformists who do not obey silly rules that Nuero-typicals have,make conformists in "very rigid" groups very angry,and upset.It is a "herd-animal" thing,and also a "control" thing.People work in those groups tend to think"NONE OF YOU CAN BREAK OUR RULES, NOT EVEN NON-RELATING RULES!!" YEAH, "CONTROLLING", AND HE STILL IS A KID COMPLAINING TO MOMMY.mANY ADULTS NEVER GROW UP on THE INSIDE.-its a fact.They APPEAR ADULT,but they are still stuck at a child's level,with mental and/or emotional problems.Even a job or career does not make them adults.There is a mental illness type called "border-line adult",and other types,who are still stuck in bad kids' age,and it is not usually curable.You probably know some of them;you really notice if the person can't make a living,or has very simple basic jobs.They have never reached adulthood,responsibility,and mature character.THEY would be very upset if a non-conformist broke a minor rule.It does not help that you never became part of the social group,which is how most adults relate;socially--in everything!! Think about it this way; you might avoid breaking the dumb rules,and tell yerself,"How can I get angry at a person who is dumber than me?It is not worth the arguments."Yes, pick yer battles, this one ain't worth the problems of breaking it.Some very intelligent folks have to treat "conformist-non-adults" with a smile(you are not really happy)and Dear Abby would tell you,"Just pretend for the moment,you like them,(smile) and you need their food,so breaking their rules is not worth the fight.YOU are the adult here,humoring people who cling to their little "club rules" like kiddies.--Just relax at meetings,you will soon be out--pretend you are floating on the ceiling."

    Many people have to do this in organized religion their family belongs in.--Pretend you believe all the religious tripe,just be polite,and get outta there.And, some manipulative adults use the socially gabby religious group, to further their power in some way--getting friends,who could find you a job(majority of good jobs are gotten socially)sell insurance, use people to make them momey,.and influence in some way.--run for political office. You have to realize,Peep, most adults have "ulterior motives" for being a member of any group,or even making friends.They often do it for many other reasons,and not the real group's reason.Making friends, example, in NYC,means "this person is powerful,has money,or can help me,if I am their friend."--and they butter them all up!!I DON'T know if Autism clouds yer knowledge of "reading into a person's real motives."--but most adults tend to have ulterior motives in most of what they do.--even to marrying a person with money,a good job, or is influential.THAT HAPPENS A LOT.Women always used to be the prime users,but men do it too.Yeah, I would just "blow them off,"and be nice if you need their food.--your private opinion of them does not have to hurt yer membership.GOOD LUCK DEALING WITH THE HUMAN ANIMAL!!HAH HA!!TAKE YER WHIP!!--THANKS!! dORTH IN oREGON :)

    1. I get conflicted how much is my size how much is my Aspergers? I am a non-conformist bothered by silly rules and have a personal quirk of annoyance by rule-followers. I was not really "breaking the rule": but it told me I was not surrounded by creative thinkers. it is true people can be very rigid, I suffered for this in a lot of places. My Aspie mind works different too, they always go with the "this is the way we have always done it" or "We were told to do it this way" and they never deviate.

      I feel like they were being "anal" and so nit picky over a bunch of boxes, it was dumb. I am not going to help with any of the work next time but will be "lazy" like others I have seen sitting there without lifting a finger. I can't hear a word in the noisy crowded room. it is like melt-down city for an Aspie. Both of us, when in there are thinking when can this be over...LOL What is ironic is the church wants us to form some kind of "personal" relationships, but most are there just to get their food and go home.

      Yeah so the rules are a bit much. I think the guy is controlling too and going to tattle on me, was wearying. I'm glad this Monday he has no meeting to hurry too, I am going to sit in the back of the room. I'd even stay home but Ill go with husband to help him get through it since I'm not housebound. Sometimes I have to be practical, we need the food, and I don't want to argue and get into it with these people. Usually I am not the type to withdraw but in some circumstances, to get needs met one must.

      I agree about adults. I think sometimes how did people as "dumb" and Dysfunctional get these good jobs, but then sometimes I think conformity is what counts for most in this world.
      I feel like my mother is "younger" then me mentally and many relatives, so that makes sense. A lot of people never grow up.
      I agree with your take on the situation. It's better to keep quiet and let others do the brute labor and hang back.

    2. Getting angry or trying to explain to people who will never get it, you are right is a waste of time. I learned that leaving some intellectually and spiritually deficient relatives behind. Here one can apply JADE and "Walking away". I don't plan to talk to that guy again.

      They can have their rules, I agree about just "floating" on the ceiling and just putting on the plastic business face and waiting for my box of food.
      With religion I've had people tell me they don't really believe but go, and put on the show. It's not for me but I know this is how society often works.
      Yes you are right about "ulterior motives", I have warned myself not to be so naive, that people do not see life the way I do. The way groups operate is very different from the desires of Aspies or even people of difference conscience nowadays. A lot of society is "saving face" and "social ladder climbing". I have realized my detriments in those two latter things.

      Yes my autism clouds people's real motives. I got smarter about some things, project friends, religious show-times, but it is hard for me to put myself always in the shoes of others for their motives. I have different motivations in life. In some ways this one aspect of me that has really affected my ability to survive. All the complaints of poverty on this blog, sure I have some of my "issues" that led there. I don't know how to play [don't want to] these social climbing/power broking/ games. It makes survival far harder. Most career and other successes come about via these "connections". I was telling some people I know who are friendly how my autism affected even the art, that I had to sell privately when I have and only been in DIY art shows.

      LOL about the human animal and whip. I did get scared and worried they'd throw me out, I told husband we need to just be quiet this go around. Make plastic faces in the noisy crazy room, while waiting for the food packing. I think I will take a book this time.


    I'M SORRY,I just wanted to show the link of blog,explaining :"HOW CREDIT WORKS,AND DEBT,AND HOW DEBT/CREDIT NOW WORKS IN THE USA." MY WORD PRESS BLOG SURVIVED!!i realized not everyone knows how economics works,even ours.--so I over-wrote; but its all true.It is a simple version of understanding economics.--and WHY we have such a high cost of living.please re-store this blog link, as my blog again? thank you!! --Sandraminadotty--Glad to be back!! :;

    1. I am glad your blog survived, do you need me to change the index. I wonder why they seem to want to put everyone on the street. I really cannot afford my apartment. With disabled housing here, one place is off the bus line, and makes you dependent on a car to DO ANYTHING and the other is bed bug city, even then they don't seem to want to give a married couple that much of a financial break. Rent is crushing us. I will put that up as your blog link now.

  6. Hi Peeps,
    I have written in a few times, but had trouble with my browser ( I guess). Seems okay now.
    I had written in as far back as that beautiful bird painting you put up. I told of how great a likeness it was, as I have these same species which unfortunately collide with my kitchen window pane. As soon as I hear the noise, I go out and pick the bird up and blow into its nostrils, pet its head, and speak to it calmy, telling it it will be alright, avoiding it going into shock. After this routine, I give it some water from a spoon and set it in a washcloth "nest" and face it skyward for when it's ready to fly off. No fatalities so far!
    Anyway, your painting got me thinking about a calendar I once received as a gift. The uniqueness of this calendar was that an artist hand painted (watercolored) the picture for each month (which was then "copied" onto each finished calendar). It was really pretty to have something hand painted on the fridge instead of just a photograph of a dog or cat or some scenery. Also the calendar page would have a recipe for each month of "local" flavor. This would be written by hand over the painting, off to the right. The paintings themselves were "local" in that they were known to locals and tourists alike as points of interest. The holidays marked were local, US and Canadian. Also had tides and temperatures, fishing days etc, no doubt gathered from the Farmer's Almanac. Sometimes a calendar page would have a tiny "bonus" painting in one of its squares, possibly a fruit in season, a bird or a flower- really pretty!
    Continuing ...

  7. Continuing ...
    I was thinking because you have mentioned that you live in a tourist town, and because of the beautiful scenery we have seen in your local photographs, your artistic talent and interest in good food and recipes, might be a good match. You can decide for yourself if you google "The Bahamian Calendar". Click on " about us" and "our catalogue" to get an idea. It's their thirty year anniversary this year! Let me know what you think!
    Sincerely, Michelle