Sunday, August 31, 2014
Their Evil Behavior Means Stay Far Far Away!
Self respect in this life can come at a cost.
For me the cost is a possible 6 figure inheritance, and having relatives to visit with, talk to, see and be part of my life.
However if the other option means being a "worm" for the rest of my life. Forget it.
I do not want to be abused anymore, looked down on or trashed. I would rather be alone. A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down, and she said, "Do you want to be alone?" I answered, "Yes I would rather be alone." Does that shock some here?
I am being punished for my "rebellion" against the head narc. The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were. For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me. Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently.
How could I explain to outsiders, that I had to go "no contact" with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath's destruction of their life do understand.
I told you the story about the aunt, where my only sin, was to ask, "Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them?"
One thing about narcs, is the slightest challenge will invoke their rage, that aunt hung up on me, but later on she sent her adult daughter who lives with her, after me.
She called a second time, with odd things to present, saying "Are you going to swim in the lake?" over and over. I live near a lake. It does not mean I am rich, but she fixated on it like mad. I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well, or so I thought. The way she said it, it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes.
She was extremely hostile and angry. She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums, and basically told me I am a "lazy ass" who can sit in the house all day. "I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here!" and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life "All I do is f**cking work!" and how great I had it laying around the house all day, by a lake.
The jealousy was extreme and psycho. I should have hung up. Add two more to the NC list! I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away. I told her this was wrong. She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either. Funny, I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs. She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against.
I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some. The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too. She responded to me, "I don't care about sides, your mother has plenty of pictures." I retorted back, "How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her?" This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away. I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too. I could hear my mother's voice, when she called me a "lazy' and a "bum" for being disabled. Also one asks "What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox?"
Her calls will be screened and ignored now. I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts, to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways. This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother, hated my ever loving guts. I plan to go no contact with them. Our contact had been regular but they live far away. These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding. Before then I had no disputes, no nothing. I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt's telling me, "Your mother loves you!"
Then my brother, ignored my birthday. First time ever for him. I don't expect a grandstand band or even a card, but he would call or at least write on a social website always before. Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone, he avoids me like the plague. This time to even ditch my birthday.
I wrote him on a social website, and said, "Hey did you forget my birthday?" so I got him to talk to me. I got the "I was busy" excuse, and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week. He told me, some of what she had told him, that she had sent me a big check--never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there. She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things. I told him "Do not believe her lies". What else could I do? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus. He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6-7 years. I don't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable. The relationship is on the edge. I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed, he will choose the side his bread is buttered on. She poisons minds against me so effectively.
I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years. I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale. I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers. The cousin frightened me, I went into "Cool down the Crazy" social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone. I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what. I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme. I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoid to think other revenges could be sought.
This has been hard to take and recently I have gone into a kind of quiet funk where I do not feel like socializing at all except with closest of friends. My husband has been supportive of me and extremely shocked and dismayed at their odd and scary behavior. He does not understand why my father's family would follow the dictates of my mother so unquestioningly.
I have grown more suspicious that they are hiding something from me or that I am adopted. I think they are terrible people with little honor or kindness. When away from here and acouple discussion boards online, I am trying to clear them from my mind, but I still keep thinking, "What in the hell happened?", "How did it go so bad?" and "What should I do?". I feel scared even leaving the cult still and by the way some of these people have acted, maybe there really reason to listen to some of those emotions. I am going to stay away from all of them. I can't take it anymore. I am realizing too the bad ramifications of such severe abuse and what it did to me on multiple levels. Ollie Matthews was right about getting away from anyone who has a relationship with your narcs.
Even with my father's relatives, saying such nasty things about disabled people that did not come out of no where. I am the only disabled person in the family. There is no empathy in my family. I am seen at fault for every health problem I have ever had, and they all believed her, when she called me a loser and being a malingerer. My disabilities from hearing impairment, breathing problems and more were used against me. Years ago when I first applied for disability being in and out of the hospital, I told my mother, and the first thing she said was, "You want to be disabled so you can lay around the house and just eat?". I can hear her voice through these others.
I suspected long ago this is what was going on, and now I know for sure it is. It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things. I don't have a family and never did. I am NC you know with 20 people now, two more just got added and one soon to be. I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced.