I got this quote from RumblestripQ: Back stage pass to the sociopath Side show
Grooming a child to believe that the child is the problem, and communicating that publicly, serves several purposes. One of which is that it discredits the child to other family members and friends of the family before the child ever stands up to abusive treatment. Which serves to insure that the abuser will never be questioned by other people. It is important for the controlling or abusive person to discredit the child in case the child ever tells or exposes the truth about the dysfunction in the family.
Thanks MFan and Darlene Ouimet@www.emergingfrombroken.com
This quote helped me because I know this happened to me in my family. When I tried to discuss anything, it was like facing brick walls. My reputation with the majority had been destroyed in some insidious way. There is no fixing it either I tried. Even if you are a church attending peaceful person, totally free of drugs or alcohol with a clean record, trust me they can make dirt stick forever to you. After years of this the people are trained to do the narcissist's biddings and to tune out and devalue everything you say.
Many ACONs attest to this. It is a very hard feeling to even describe, this mode of never being listened to or even talking to people who may pretend, and then by their actions you were never heard. It hurts. One struggle an ACON can deal with is this forever invisibility they struggle with. I believe in my case, my mother's sway over my relatives is extreme. If someone tells the world you are "crazy" for 40 plus years and nothing you say means anything, sadly sometimes the people listen instead of giving the person in doubt a chance. Malignant narcs know how to destroy a reputation with a look in their eye, a sneer on their lip and subtle cues, among their minions. Even to keep this person who is in charge "happy", they don't want to take the chance of offending them even if that means kicking you to the curb. It can be something very small too, like asking for some old pictures!
Our status is rendered so absolutely low in these family circles! Run, Run, Run. Hey I went NC even thinking the homeless shelter would give me a lot more respect! I'm praying to God to take care of me. By the way, I figure I am dogmeat to the family and no longer care about trying to change their minds about anything. That job has been thrown in the trashcan for the eons. My self view has changed massively. Let the TV watching drones that claim they share DNA with me lie to themselves forever.
All of my family friends and neighbors bought her tales of woe and martyrship at the hands of me being the forever disappointing weirdo daughter. I hope no other person is maligned for their physical disabilities or Aspergers. People I never even have talked before, would give me a jaundiced eye, if they happened to meet my mother first! If you can swing it, never live in the same area of your narcissistic family or other relatives. I don't want to even be in the same town as a flying monkey!So one of the hardest things a scapegoat or better said EX-scapegoat who quit has to deal with is this feeling of being silenced and knowing nothing you say or do will convince these people!
One thing too, with many of them I did used to try to explain my side of things and was never believed. They were annoyed by me bringing up the past or even pulling up 2 hour old things. Even trying to be positive and show these people the best side of me--a struggle but I tried, was an immense waste of time.
I know if this blog is ever found by any relatives, she would tell them all I had "gone crazy" due to my recent medical diagnosis, and play herself off as the martyr with the "horrible daughter". "I don't know what she wanted from me?" "I did everything I could for her!"
The minions if they found this blog now, would circle the wagons and scream...
"How dare she!"
"Look at those hideous lies!"
"She must be nuts!"
"So much anger and non-forgiveness, her mother was so nice"
and so forth and so on.
I know even if my brother found this blog, he probably would get mad.
Hey the me of yesterday would have been SCARED to death to even have a blog like this. I would be absolutely petrified. Today I don't care. These NC relationships are bombed out craters, nothing I could say or write could destroy them anymore.
One thing I remember, I spoke up for my rights, against the emotional and even physical and other abuses, others would rise up to defend her [and my father when he was alive] and tell me I was in the wrong, and needed to go back in the corner and shut up!
My Aunt Who Loved Me, did support me but sadly was too scared of her oldest sister to say much in defense. Sadly this happened to a lesser extent with others. I suppose no one else wanted to be the target.
And speaking of targets, years ago my narcissistic mother went after my brother's now ex-wife with a viciousness that probably only matched the smears said against me. One thing my mother literally bonds with people by putting others down. I saw this and even almost got sucked into it myself a few times which I have definitely repented of. My own regrets about being sucked into a few of the lies bothers me to this day. In other words I watched the discrediting of others. The names she called that troubled young lady with "white trash" as the first on the list were inexcusable. She managed to even destroy my friendship years ago with her.
A few times years ago my brother's ex wife would literally lose it, but my mother had manipulated things so the whole family thought she was crazy, and dismissed everything she said. This happened to me too, but over a much longer haul. I think about that now, about how her "declared" enemies could never win. This is one way she manipulated people into serving and meeting her needs by separating one sheep [or really goat] from the pack, and displaying the punishments that would be forthcoming for crossing her!
Sometimes I wonder if many things I was told by family members were even true....did Aunt Scapegoat really hoard to the extent my mother claimed? Many of her stories now are questionable to me. I know how social workers deal with that sort of thing. If you are hoarding trash and waste usually they are getting involved. That is one scary thing, now that my eyes are open. How many lies about others have I heard? For those that lie like rugs, it's hard to use tweezers to pick out the true bits. Many things I saw first hand, but others I have not. Today I know nothing is to be taken for granted. I have discovered so many lies.
If any of them find this blog, one day. I don't regret one word of it. I am glad I have a venue to warn others about what happened to me and to share how to survive it and manage.