I wanted to share this article. She has some good warnings in it. During my no-contact I have struggled with some of these thoughts thinking if I write this, or confront her with this, a spark will be lit and a darkened mind woken up. LOL who am I kidding too? I think all ACONS struggle with this fantasy in their minds of one day waking up the hard cold malignant narcissists. I can't even conceive of minds like that this and how they work. Mine is sitting me out. It is creepy to watch even. One must not let emotions lead, because the narcs know how to use them but simple cold facts that it is better to stay away from people you cannot trust, and who treat you like dirt and who are wicked.
"Once upon a time, I used to have a pleasant fantasy. In it, I would tell my birth-mother that her behavior was upsetting to me. She would apologize, tell me that she would never dream of continuing to hurt me because she cares for me a great deal, and promise to stop her offensive behavior immediately. Then, true to her word, she would never do it again, enabling our relationship to be happily restored. Boy, was I living in la-la land.
When that never worked, I had a slightly more complicated delusion. After I complained about her mistreatment, she would continue hurting me anyway. Since it stressed me out to be in her presence, I would begin to avoid placing myself in that position. I would begin to feel distant from her. I might even decide to take a break from the relationship for a few weeks or months, of which I might or might not choose to inform her, to get my thoughts together about what to do next. Mom, sensing my withdrawal, would realize what she was doing and become concerned about losing the relationship. Afraid that she might really be driving me away, she would come to her senses, immediately stop her hurtful behavior, and make every effort to be as pleasant to be with as possible. Her turnabout would enable me to enjoy being with her, and our relationship would be happily restored. Yeah, right. What in the world was I thinking?
If we were talking about normal people who truly do love and care for those who love them, this would really happen. In fact, the reason we try to talk things out with a loved one who is hurting us is that we are hoping against hope for such a happy ending. But those of us who have had the misfortune to try and reason with a control freak or an abuser quickly learn that there is almost NO CHANCE that this will actually ever happen in our situations.
No matter how calmly and politely we request a change, things will go south fast. Any attempt we make to have a loving and rational discussion will quickly degenerate into a crazy-making, nasty argument. We will be left scratching our heads and wondering what on earth went wrong, and why a simple plea for a little consideration had to be blown up into such a big deal."
Lately it has been feeling like she wants to call me but can't. That she feels really bad, and doesn't know how to make it better. So I have been feeling sorry for her that way.
ReplyDeleteBut I have been talking myself out of that. That is my mind working and expecting her to be normal, and if she was normal she would be feeling that way. But I know she is really spiteful over the whole NC and not feeling badly. I hope that makes sense. lol
I know I had to tell myself too, she doesn't think the way you do. She doesn't have the same attachment to people, she does not care. I know mine is just more concerned about the appearances, and upset I made her look bad in going NC.
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