Friday, August 15, 2014
Be careful of the "NICE" ones!
This article is regarding my aunt who is my father's sister. This is the aunt whose granddaughter [my cousin] married a multi-millionaire and where I was not invited to the wedding, My mother was. This is one of the many events I discussed as leading up to my going "no contact". This aunt lives around around 1000 miles from me.
Soon I will write about her very interesting life story which even blows Aunt Scapegoat's story out of the water. Parts of this story include what happened to me too. Her personality and history definitely displays extreme signs of abuse and other hard to define personality disorders. I'll go in more detail later. Let's just say the narcissistic plague of insanity hasn't just cut one swathe across one branch of the family but both.
She has been far more stable in her old age, but let's just say I do not consider her totally trustworthy and I knew with her, I could be going no contact with in the near future. What happened lately is enough to be a warning to me.
She does have contact with my mother, and well I am realizing this is a danger. I don't think I will ever be able to trust or form a decent family relationship with any relative that is in contact with my mother. Around any relatives, I feel on guard, and betrayed inside as was written about next week.
They seem to have enough attachment to say hello on FB and with my brother an occasional phone call, but I can tell I am being held at arm's length to keep my mother happy, and I am not happy about this. It hurts and has hurt for years and right now self protection is my first order of business. In return, I have limited my emotional investment with these relationships.
So keep in mind even with my father's sister, I am tentative. My contact with her is only about 5-7 times a year. She did tell me some family history and helped spark my memory on many issues. I talked to her this year an average of once every 6-8 weeks. Her third husband is deceased and she moved up from Florida to live with her daughter who has a good manufacturing job.
Due to the adoption pursuit and wanting to find out what my grandmother on the paternal side looked like in her older age I asked her if she could send me some pictures. The reason for this request is to find out how young am I in the pictures? Are there pictures of me before that 9 month mark? Are there pictures to describe my baby book devoid of pictures unlike my brother's and sisters? I remember crying as a kid because my book had less pictures. Imagine that!
Another reason for the request is I want to see what my paternal grandmother looked like. I have only one picture of her from the 1940s where she is still relatively young. Could she have had lipedema? Years ago I used to be told she was large but then this aunt told me "Oh she didn't leave the 200s weight wise and had normal-thin legs".
I did not just call up and start asking, I sent her pictures of me, cards and had other discussions with her for over 18 months. I always had kept consistent contact. She told me "Sure, I'll send you some." It seemed like it wasn't going to be a big deal. I haven't seen any pictures yet and I've brought it up a few times. I thought her contact with my mother was minimal but it doesn't seem to be as yesterday I decide to call up and ask how is the picture sending going, and she tells me "Oh I talked to your mother, I told her you were asking me for some pictures, and she told me not to send you any!"
She then proceeded to tell me, "I'll still send them and I was looking to add one from ****'s album." [her daughter's]
I will believe it when I see it.
I plan to ask one more time with husband's help but then I will have no choice but to drop it. You can't make other people do what they do not want to do. Another betrayal. More liars. More doors shut in my face. When I tell you this aunt's story it will blow your mind, but I knew I was taking a long shot.
My wicked mother has interfered with every relationship in the family. This net extends out to all of my father's relatives, including cousins [some of whom I sought to have contact with and was refused], divorced spouses from even ten years ago and every third cousin, great aunt and any other category that possibly shares DNA. I think she still even has contact with my uncle's girlfriend he split up with when he was 26 years of age, before he married another woman. I do not know how a person has the time to stay in contact with this many people or direct them but she definitely found it.
My mother's messages to all my family members regarding me has been...
1. "Ignore her".
2. "You don't need to visit her". "You don't need to invite her."
3. "You don't need to fulfill her requests."
4. "I have pictures, lots of them", you don't need to send them" [this aunt knows I am no contact with my mother]
5. "Don't listen to her, she is a liar."
6. "Don't listen to her, she is crazy."
7. "She is fat and it's her fault!"
and over and over.
And as I have seen it is still going on.
Kind of puts those phony "We miss you cards" in context doesn't it?
Deep, deep wedges driven in deep.
No chance of being heard, always dismissed, always ignored and always disdained.
Now I knew betrayal was possible and unless my mother knew something, I kept my mouth shut about it even to this aunt. Talk about having to screen every thought to the finest tooth.
My mother already knows I am on an adoption search in my last NC letter and questioning about my origins. If I am a biological child, she could have simply sent me a young baby picture earlier then the 9 month old one I have seen and gotten me to shut up. Life is weird when you have to find out a great-aunt died on the internet, but that is how life is with a clammed up secretive narcissist.
I reminded this aunt, that I had told her not to tell my mother I was even in contact with her. She didn't seem to care about this request but made some vague excuse. She has a wicked wavering two sided mind, saying one thing one minute telling me "Yes your mother treated you badly!" and then stating "Your mother loves you!" while I am ignored and otherwise abused.
The control freak narcissist interferes every minute.
I don't think I will see the pictures. If I do I will be happy and relieved.
I scoured the internet to see if there was a picture of my grandmother who died in 1969 in their local paper. I found her name in articles several times, and a picture of her gravestone but no picture of her.
At least I was prepared to be disappointed but the sheer scope of my mother's power and control over all my relatives even ones that live thousands of mile away are extreme. I also have realized that I am invisible to them all. They only see me as she does, no matter how nice I am or how I tried to reach out in the past.
If the pictures are not sent, add another NC to the list of over 14 people. If she can't even give me this one small request of pictures of myself when young or a picture of my grandmother, I will be done with her. I will ask politely one more time and if I am told "No", I will tell her I am moving on.
I have realized there is no love, or even attachment with these folks. There is nothing. It is scary. I know as a person I sought to look for it. With this aunt years ago I drew closer to her, or tried, but my mother even there held the power. I will write more later on this issue and tell you her story too.
One question I have for ACONs who read my blog, Have you ever seen this much control over this many family members by a narcissist? I also am realizing that none of them see me outside of her definitions, no matter what I do.
Another question I have is, have any of you hit a wall, where you thought, if I have a relationship with a relative, they need to stand up for me or not have contact with the narcissist?
All my relatives, every one is in contact with my mother.
I may be no contact with the whole crew the way this is going and not just 85% of them. No pictures sent tells me I am wasting my time with this woman and she has none of my best interests at heart and doesn't want to tell me the truth. I will see if I am pleasantly surprised but for now, my expectations are incredibly limited.