More Hoovering. It's pretty noncommittal written on a card. I guess I am surprised by it a bit. She didn't "miss" me during all those times she drove within a mile of my house while visiting other people. I sometimes wonder if these cards are written in front of her husband, so he thinks that she "cares".
If that was from my mother, I would have to say she is missing the supply. They are so disgusting.
ReplyDeleteYes she must be missing the supply. I am literally creeped out about how shallow and facile the messages are. I have gotten "deeper" messages from my dentist to remind me of an appointment. She tells me off in emails, and calls me a liar and sends cards like these. I wonder what the handwriting analyzers would make of picture perfect handwriting?
ReplyDeleteAnd it is not a reflection of us when they are like that. We must have been very good children, I never got the chance to mouth back to my mom when I was growing up. And life is hard now.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to follow a job lead now and it's like I have this screaming voice inside my head telling me I'm no good, and I can't stand it. Its so hard even with simple things.
It's not our fault they are like that. And they choose to be like that, and we suffer the consequences. The handwriting I don't know. But after a year of no contact this was very cold, she is too much about her feelings and wants and needs in this letter. I'm a mom, I wouldn't have wrote this way.
I'm not telling you how to feel, that is your choice to make for the rest of your life. I grew up with only fear and confusion, the rest of the feelings I have to fight for.
I agree it is not a reflection of us. I mouthed back a bit but it didn't come until college, before as a child I got slapped or got my father sent after me. I hope the job lead goes well. Yes they leave us to suffer lifelong with that voice inside us that we were not good enough. I get tired hearing that judgmental voice in my head on everything, "you didn't clean that bathroom well enough" etc. Even her supposed "perfections" disgust me. Why don't either her and/or the Mini-Me ever make mistakes? Then I think they do they just keep them hidden. Yes they choose to be like that. Yes it is very cold, a letter from a stranger. With both of them I noticed it is always about them. "WE" miss you. I have noticed she never writes "I miss you", because I know she really does not. Yes I am trying to go after good feelings, we have to fight for them. With people like this they gave us a very dark inheritance of nothing but judgment and rejection.
ReplyDeleteYep, I got the email for a breakfast meeting Tues. but I'm so scared. I suppose it is natural for anyone to be scared or nervous, but this feeling is just horrible, I can't describe it and somehow I just know it isn't natural. But I just remind myself this is narcissistic supply programmed into me, ready for mom to latch on. Because mom loved to see me miserable, she told me so. She was manipulating my emotions all my life.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand her or any narc to tell the truth. I just hate them all. So sometimes I feel I come on here and judge and tell the other ACONs how to feel and its not really nice of me. It's just that I hate all narcs. But I do believe we all have to do what we need to and I want others to be them and me, me.
I'm sorry to hear your father wasn't on your side, my father was, for a short while, then he left us.
I had the same feelings Joan when I used to have to look for jobs. I can still get it if I am doing a rare lecture [at my self help group]or something in the public eye. I know it is not natural either. Some of that stuff haunts me even on normal days. It is the narc supply programming where you are told you must be perfect and measure up at every second and where there never is any mercy for mistakes or even being human. Mine manipulated my emotions and those around her all her life too. I was thinking about even how some of her anger was faked too to put me in my place. Even this letter is playing the part of "concerned mother" especially since I know she does not care and since she never failed to call me a liar or tell me off in the last emails. It is understandable to want nothing to do with narcs. I am dealing with my emotions in realizing how this woman destroyed my life even medically and took so many family members away from me. I agree we all have to do what we have to do. Did you lose contact with your father? I am sorry he abandoned you to her. He should have taken you with him. Mine lived his life being my mother's slave, and was a narc himself. He however grew more evil at her behest, and lost all compassion and care to please her.
ReplyDeleteSo its having to be perfect, which I can't live up to, that's making me feel so terrible. I didn't know that. Thanks that helps.
ReplyDeleteI've been reluctant to talk about my father on these blogs, because it seems that most ACON's didn't have that, and I don't want anyone to feel bad. Yes, I had a good father for a short while, but even he couldn't deal with her, she started fights with everyone, and since we had a farm, father couldn't need our neighbours, as it is in farming communities.
When I was little father took us places and talked in a sweet gentle way. Built us things. Never lost his temper. Father took to beer and from the time I turned 13 he was out of our lives, and mother told us he didn't love us that is why he left. Mother was the boss. We listened to her. I think he thought that she was good with us, he wasn't in the house much always working. He wasn't perfect, but he wasn't a narc, and certainly not sadistic. At the end, he loved his booze and women, but not a narc. He never became her slave. Just mom was mean, and had to have her way.
Father was never mean and nasty, and was good. Sometimes I think she drove him mad, to make lots of bad decisions. He passed away in 2005 and I didn't get to see him much because if mother found out there would be hell to pay. Mother could dig a well in the ground and set it up back in the day. She could go do real man work, so it was no wonder he and all of us were afraid of her.
I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have a good father. We only had one narc in the family and that was enough. After she was done chopping down a tree, most men were afraid of her. Not a women to mess with. She ruled with an iron fist, and could probably still beat the crap out of me (at 79 she is still freaky scary).
You know, a lot of women could still be tough like that, as long as they have empathy towards others, and be considered wonderful mothers.
I fell scared just relaxing in the livingroom. But thank you for telling me it is the perfection thing that is killing me. It helps a lot.