Being a black sheep is not easy. But what is the other option? One can't fake being someone else!
One thing I have noticed with some of us, there are people out there who will try to censor you and tell you what to talk about and not talk about, and who will want you to match and conform, and when you do not, they toss you out the door! I remember being a little Aspie kid, hearing teachers and others say, "Be Yourself!". This is good advice in general but can come at a price for some of us.
It really is more a function of the crazy people seeking to judge you. It is rarely a true reflection of the person you really are.
ReplyDeleteThanks Q, it got tiring being judged but I will say most of the judgers barely knew me.
DeleteThere will always be that price to pay. But imagine the alternative. When I get get stuck with anything, its a good time for me to realize that maybe I'm not being myself.
ReplyDeleteI used to think it was good to try to get along with my mother. Others told me that too, "Oh well, that's what your mother is like, she still loves you." I swear when I was in contact with her I was having mini nervous breakdowns all the time. She was constantly badgering me and I couldn't do anything right.
But now I'm not conforming and I'm not being censored and its good.
I couldn't be myself at all around mine. It was like I had to dampen down my personality. Everything I said and did even the most minor offended them. They never talked about anything deep with me at all. I would play "shallow" to get through the day--talk about weather, niceties, etc. I would do anything and everything to "get along". She would ignore me most of the time so I'd talk to her husband. I would be throwing up in the bathroom or wheezing on my visits to her house. I got a leg infection 50% of all visits from being forced to sit up too long and no place to lay down. She did not come my direction. I would be told too, "That is what your mother is like, she still loves you.", "She is more reticient and quiet, she is strong silent type"--Aunt Denial.
ReplyDeleteMine barely said a word to me my entire life except for things like Pass the beans, or how's the weather, and the rest would be nothing but criticism. I couldn't do anything right either. I am not conforming. I learned she was not pleasable and she was cutting me off more and more every year, and the rest were too. Nothing I did was ever enough. They rejected who I was to the core.
I am glad you are not being censored now and are out of the pit. The enablers all seem to say the things excusing abuse claiming there is love there. What a joke that is!
Wow, imagine its that kind of censoring that sets us up to be prey in the world. Can't talk deep have to talk shallow, that just makes relationships extremely hard too. And abuse is love? Wow, I can see all the ways they have set us up for destruction. Then they blame the results on us.
ReplyDeleteYep..took a long time to learn a new definition of love. Not their kind.
DeleteYep.nI learned as different kind of love.
DeleteYes it sets up as prey in the world. Everything is shallow and if you fail to deliver enough narc supply out you go. It's like they want a machine saying scripted things to them instead of a human being. I had aunt and brother both claim my mother "loved" me. Yes they blame the results on us the narcs still smell like roses.
ReplyDeleteAny time I discussed my true feelings and desires or life in general with my mother it was like talking into a tape recorder. It all went into that sink hole of a brain my mother had between those bat like ears and was thrown back in my face after she twisted it to suit her purpose.
ReplyDeleteOh I learned that lesson the hard way, anything bad that happened to me, any emotions, any people I talked about that did me wrong, she would record it all, and use it against me! Of course mine had nothing but secrets and withholding, so what did I have to use even if my mind operated that way. Sorry you went through this. The most awful thing for me, was a void of having someone there to actually "talk" to. Narcissists are like a cipher in a way. Nobody home.
DeletePeep - I'm wondering if you have read this memoir?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Look-Me-Eye-Life-Aspergers/dp/0307396185
The author is the brother of the famous writer Augusten Burroughs. The book is about his life growing up as an aspie, in a time when nobody knew about it. Both of the boys talk about their narcissistic parents.
John Robison (the author of Look Me In The Eye) turned out to be the guy who invented the exploding fire-rocket guitars for KISS! Anyway, it's a very interesting read.
Joan - I completely agree. We were raised to be prey for predators. Until we re-program ourselves, we get fed on so many times. It's a horrible existence they create for their children.
How do you reprogram?
DeleteHow do you reprogram. Done tons of learning and understsnding. But how to undo the damage.
DeleteI read that book acouple times. I related a lot to him though obviously his Aspie skills were very differnet and talents. I read the book too where he talked about his son Cubby; their parents were very unstable and very narcissitic. Yes about the prey for predators. The reprogramming is hard, it is not easy. I know it intellectually but application is something else. One year into NC, I am in a rather withdrawn mood outside of present friendships and online. I am having to re-assess so much.
DeleteNC and I know Ollie has said this too, means you are almost discovering who you are at a very late date. I had an identity via the art and more, but this is one process I am going through. Redefining yourself. You are breaking out of the fog and the mold and role they tried to force you in.
DeleteI read every Aspie book I can get my hands on. I have read every one of Temple Grandin's books. I am friends with a lot of Aspies some I met online years ago.
DeleteI know Gladys, reading what Peeps was saying about what her FOO expected out of her, was bad programming. Mine was exactly the same, and my FOO was different. I had engulfing mother, but the outcome of that is the same. I'm just amazed.
ReplyDeleteI think the engulfing ones and ignoring ones all go to the same place in the end. They do both to control. The relationships are as empty though obviously in the engulfing sequence, they want to own all your time.
Delete