1. It's not your fault. I think of all the things I blamed myself for. I am working on not doing this. This means not taking responsibility for the doings of others. Throw some of those burdens off your back!
Their decisions may have impacted m life but this doesn't mean I made them! The narcissists will brainwash you into thinking everything is your fault especially if you are the scapegoat. They will tell you there are no accidents, if you fail, don't get the job, or your car breaks down or you get sick, it is your fault. My two sociopaths used to blame me for getting ill. This never relented as my disabilities worsened. Figuring out the latest smear campaign which trashed me for being on disability was sickening. This was a warning flag to me to cease and desist from all of the controlled within it.
2. Nothing you could have done could have changed it. One thing I have struggled with is this idea that if I just "say", "do" or "be" the right thing, that my mother and sister and other relatives would have woken up turned to me apologized and then treated me right. What a fantasy that was!
Part of this stew was mixed in with this idea that if I became thin, Middle Class and achieved things that my family would love and accept me. I know this is not true now. Nothing I did would have mattered. Even my husband recently reminded me just out of college and into art teaching they still treated me like garbage when the future seemed endlessly bright. Even when he got a book published around 11 years ago, and his own future seemed to lead us up the ladder, we were still ostracized.
3. You really are a stranger to them. They don't know you and neither did they ever care to know you. they are only about themselves. Look back and ask yourself, did they ever really care about how you felt, or who you were as a person? Did they really want to know your thoughts, dreams, and beliefs? Did they ever ask? Did they ever share any of their own? Mine certainly didn't.
It was like nobody was home. No one was home. I feel the same about all of them. It's like these people have no souls. Mine never even told me about having a dream and remembering it. Their lack of tears and fear really does mean something. I never saw my mother ever afraid. Like a lizard the emotion simply never existed. Any one with a soul will be a stranger to them. There will be no getting to "know them" and then coming into love with the most malignant ones. That is over with.
4. They brainwash others but cowardice serves their purposes. It is hard to explain to people how I had to walk away from over 20 members of the family. I am hated, and rejected by the majority. The few that were "nice" threw me under the bus too. I didn't have a chance. All the defenses in the world and standing up for myself mattered not. My mother seems to cast some spell over people where hating and rejecting me is the outcome. The Queen Spider's web expanded out as far as it could go including family friends and people in the community. I have observed her with even subtle aspirations, and facial expressions focusing on a scapegoat like a laser turning people against a hated scapegoat. In this case it was my brother's ex wife, but it was applied to me as well. One thing my mother is seen as the "reasonable" and "strong" one among this crowd. They believe the lies but they are also cowards that go where the money is.
Remember here your whole family system is sick. It is a cult and the head malignant narc is Jim Jones of the whole affair. Resistance is futile among the Borg, but you are one of the deprogrammed ones, running through the jungle to get away from all the blind fools. My family is so cult like that they are angry over my NC. No one dares to be seen as "conspiring" with the defector.
5. The world is full of kind people too. Be one and be a kind person yourself. [unlike your family]. Find them. Look for red flags of any mean ones. Coming out of the crucible of the narcs and sociopaths, in my mind I would seek mentors to model myself after. What did it mean to be a kind and good person? I let religious faith and church lead me on that one. I know I am far from perfect, some of the things about myself drive me nuts like my propensity to cuss like a sailor when angry but I know that was something inherited from the psychos around me I have to work my way through. This world is as mean as a snake pit. I know inside I think I don't want to be mean like the other snakes. I want kind people and to live life according to ideals. Narcissists don't do that. They would think you were nuts. Know you achieved in being nothing like them. You are a person who can love.
This is great, I'll be printing this one out and keeping it, if you don't mind. I've never thought that I'm brainwashed into thinking things are my fault. Thank you. I'm working on throwing some of those burdens off my back, I do realize I am doing my best with limitations.
ReplyDeleteMy mother never cried either or ever was afraid. I used to think she it was because she was very masculine, which she was. I've met some masculine women though since I've grown up and they've shown me great compassion. They are actually alive with a light on.
I also do realize they are still talking badly about me. I have to be ok with that, its not anything I can change.
And yes the world is still full of wonderful kind people. My ability to trust is down, and my paranoia is up but I realize that is just for now. Everything will stabilize where I can function and love and still have a healthy regard for narcs and sociopaths.
Thanks Jan. Yes I was brainwashed into thinking everything was my fault. I struggle waking up sometimes feeling the weight of so many burdens and feeling like I was at fault. I remind myself I was dealing with many heavy things. Even the Aspergers has affected my life greatly and still is. We have to be face those limitations, and be careful of this society that focuses so much on the "winners".
DeleteI agree with you about the masculine women, I've met some too with someone home inside. My mother was more like a man in that she had no emotions, no crying, no softer side, no fear. She never wore makeup but wore feminine enough clothing to pass at work but it was pants dominant. She very rarely wore a dress. Being an anxious Aspie with a feel no fear mother was frightening.
I know mine are talking badly about me too. I can't change it. If they find this blog they can have even more fun trashing me as they have all their life.
I try to find the wonderful kind people as best as I can. I know my ability to trust is a barrier for me at times. I am hoping things will stabilize for me too. Thanks. :)
I know this logically, but my soul is stained by the effects of a narcissist parent. It's like telling someone that they didn't just smell a skunk.
ReplyDeleteMy soul is stained too from them. I think of how they affected what I became and how much happiness was destroyed.
DeleteThis post is great. It inspired me to amend something I had posted earlier. I linked it to this if you are OK with that.
ReplyDeleteThanks Q. Just more thoughts I was having about this whole thing. I am going to write on one aunt now, that is a crazy story hope people believe it, but shows the insanity factory I lived in.
DeleteHey I am fine with it q. It's late but just wanted to tell you that, have a few more comments to add tomorrow. thanks.
ReplyDeleteGood morning five, thanks for the great post. I always wondered why they treated my husband as badly as me and I told him it was because of me, He did not believe it at the time. I told him it was because you married me, if they had met you in a different circumstance you would be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but because you married me there is something wrong with you and your selection of a mate. As he went on to be successful in his field like your husband, they still ignored him and he was hurt, it was like it we were lying. Hope you are feeling well and enjoying autumn
ReplyDeleteHey your husband was connected to you. I am glad mine never were able to get in the way of me and my husband. I saw my mother destroy one marriage. [my brother's] Maybe she figured she couldn't get in the middle of us. My husband did have some bright days of seeming success coming his way at that time. He was laid off from the newspaper jobs. I do often think if we had been financially stable instead of poor life would have gone far better. He is working on another small book deal but don't know where it is going to go, we are still struggling but haven't given up on some hopes and dreams. I am feeling okay and autumn is my favorite season, just hope it doesn't fly by!
DeleteMy current significant other was the executrix of my mother's will after she divorced me. When we reconciled she had her written out.
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