Monday, May 12, 2014

Am I Adopted? The Questions of My Origins

                                [picture source]

What if you looked like no one in your family? or just partially like a few?

I ran this by a few friends, some online ones so they could be objective showing pictures of relatives. All said, I did not look like my family members.

I come from the land of skinny legs and even skinnier people. I am not talking average weight people either who may have a little belly or anything like that but ultra-thin folks who match model thinness.  There are a few overweight people but they never reached my extreme weight or health problems. They are healthy for larger people and can work. No one has anything resembling lymphedema. There were no thinner people with bigger legs and hips.  No one ever reached my extreme size.  One thing I figured out doing this blog is that there was serious genetic origins of weight and especially for the super-duper sized. In other words, every ultra obese person I encountered had some severe family history regarding obesity.

What if no one had your same personality or same intellectual interests? What if you were born into a family where your desire for the arts, book reading, and intellectual pursuits were decried? What if you were tested as having a higher IQ as a child and realized most of those around you were not just average but far below it? What if you were a sensitive Aspie among mostly Neanderthals? [some cousins, and their families exempted]

What if you realized you were shut out in endless subtle ways? My maternal grandmother left my photo off her family wall of pictures, leaving me off. One day I gave her a painted frame and wedding photo, it was still left off.  Every cousin, grandchild, and child was on this wall. What if you were uninvited from family events?--this in the days before you left the family church?

What if you felt rejected and like you were not a "fit" whatsoever, you were co complete and utterly different from all your relatives [even the few nice ones]? What if you noticed gifts being given by other relatives to siblings but not to you? What if you noticed some relatives not coming to your wedding or not inviting you to theirs, as if you really are not related to them? What if you felt that something simply didn't add up? One thing, people called me crazy for 17 years for knowing something was more wrong with me then just being fat and the already few discovered hormonal disorders. Same here, inside I know and feel like something is wrong even if I can't put my finger on it.

What if you got diagnosed [and it's a sure diagnosis] with a rare disorder [lipedema] which is genetic and autosomal dominant like Huntingtons? What if you join boards for support for this disorder, and they discuss how they know which side of the family it came from and how at least a few relatives were shaped like them and all of them know which and what relatives had it or what side of the family it came from?

What if you felt something was wrong from childhood? Where you remember crying that you were adopted and getting in trouble for it? Yes I know this can be a fantasy of abused children, but this lasted for me for years and years. My brother remembers me musing aloud constantly if I was adopted or if they had lied about where I had come from. He also remembers the time I came home from living with the Aunt that Loved me for some months, and not wanting to come home though I said I missed him. I didn't look like her and her children though they were all very kind.

I know it's odd to be this old wondering about my origins. These were things I was too scared to give voice or thought too before I went NC. The lipedema stuff really triggered this. I asked even a medical professional if Lipedema is genetic and they said YES. The severe obesity to the extreme made me wonder for YEARS, no one else was infertile either, but this one made me really wonder.

The fact of the matter is I felt completely alone in my family system to the point I always felt like I never belonged. Everything was about the narcs. I even find myself wondering if I was so medically neglected because they did fear some genetic disorder being found. What information was I denied? I paid a huge huge price for not having early medical intervention even from the PCOS alone! With lipedema, puberty brought it on, I gained 100lbs right when I hit puberty, and went from near normal to midsized which is where I sat until the giant weight gain hit.

One thing discussed on lipedema boards is how trauma will trigger a worsening of the condition and the year my second weight gain began, that was available in spades. One thing I considered is if I had gotten help, I never would have ended up at stage IV, and may have been a more manageable stage 1 or II, but with the narcissists no one was paying attention and no one cared. Much of the reason I had to go NC, was the medical neglect alone and protecting myself.

I almost made a fatal NC mistake,  the desire to know the truth about my origins, almost had me very stupidly take narc mother bait. I don't know what I was thinking to think that woman may admit anymore or admit the truth and it led me to almost make a huge mistake.  I've had to cut things off at the pass.

The constant hoovering I am facing is shocking me. I never expected it. I was so ostracized I thought my narc mother and sister would be glad I was gone, and would wash their hands of me for good, but it didn't happen.  Remember in my case, they were ignorers not engulfers. There seems to be an extreme desire to regain control, and "keeping track" of me that is extreme. I have to draw the boundaries tighter. They both despise me and avoided me as much as possible for years so why is keeping contact with me so utterly important?

I could be wrong and know there is the possibility I am biologically related too. Plenty of people had narcissistic egg and sperm donors who treated them like trash, but there are a lot of things not adding up in my mind too.

Late Discovery Adoptees


  1. I wasn't adopted. But the odds of my "biological" father being anything more than the chump who was coerced into signing my birth certificate are slim and none. And slim just left town on a bus.

  2. I think this is a stretch tbh. De novo genetic mutations are fairly frequent (SOMEONE always has to be the first person in their family who has the mutation). A quick dig online turned up an NIH article saying that only 15% of lipedema patients have a family history of the disease. Other sites quote family history at anywhere from 14% to 50%; so lack of family history in your case isn't exactly conclusive.

    My brother just might be the opposite of you; he's the only extrovert in our family, very outgoing and a social chameleon, whereas our parents and the rest of the siblings are very bookish and academic. It happens.

    I feel like this belief that you might be adopted is a little too convenient to be true.

  3. I am seeing differing opinions such as the articles I linked above. I doubt I am the mutation as well. That seems far fetched. I have seen the differing histories, one thing throwing the monkey wrench in is all the misdiagnosis, many lipedema women would remember relatives shaped like them however though they may have been less severe and never diagnosed. I suppose this added onto many other doubts and thoughts through the years was the tipping point. I know it's not "proof" in other words. No one in the entire network matches me whatsoever, I do believe there are some natural differences.

    In this study they do have family charts where lipedema is appearing.

    1. I had one other friend tell me "Oh that would be too convenient!" But hey it has something I've pondered for years before the diagnosis, before the severe weight gain. I know genetics are tricky business but this has been far too much weirdness and dealing with emotions I've had 40plus years. Either I'm right or I'm wrong about it.

  4. Sorry to hear that Q, that you can't be sure of who your father is.

  5. If it really bothers you, could you get your brother to agree to a DNA test? Or would asking him cause too much drama? Also, I don't know where people go to get DNA tests done.

  6. They actually have DNA places within an hour and half of here, [guess there are lot of people out there with paternity issues] I know of those places that take the cheek swabs but know those costs hundreds of dollars. I don't know if he would be willing or not. I have talked to a him a bit about why am I so different and do not match these other relatives? It may take some doing but it's not outside the realm of possibility should the money be there one day. There is a DNA lab in his area, but we do live far away from each other. I have heard you can get a hair but it needs the root on it to get a DNA test.

  7. I am an Autistic ACON. Boy howdy, I would LOVE to be in no way blood related to my FOO. I am not a geneticist, but I think that there might be something that, unfortunately, would make it more likely that you were NOT switched at birth. I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around this, but please bear with me.

    I post regularly on Wrong Planet. I am always AMAZED at the huge amount of members who were routinely brutalized by their families. So, I know that there are actual physical differences in the brains of Autistics. One of them is that we tend to have amygdalas [sp?] that are 10 to 15 percent wider, and much more densely packed than NTs'. This is most likely the mot common reason for our anxiety, sensory issues,compulsively doing right because, OMG, we cannot handle the guilt in doing wrong. We tend to have very overdeveloped integrity and honesty.

    Okay, I have known that for awhile. Like many Autitistics I notice patterns big time. And there certainly seems to be a pattern of Autistic people from malignant narcissitic families.
    I looked up the brain differences between regular people and psycho and sociopaths. Guess what? There is a noticeable difference in the amygdala of them too. Their difference is the OPPOSITE of ours. Their amygdalas are smaller than average which would, among many other things, account for their lack of affective empathy [most Autistics have that by the barrelfull. It is the cognitie we tend to have difficulties with] and their lack of guilt.

    So, what I am wondering is if POSSIBLY having an amygdala that strays from the norm [either smaller or larger] is something that can be genetically passed down thus causing a greater likelihood of Autistics and evil monsters in the same family.

    I do not know. I am not a scientist, but this theory is making some sene to me.

  8. I am glad to meet another autistic ACON. I will write you soon Vickie too. I can understand you not wanting to be blood related to your Foo. Did you see this article I wrote about being an Aspie in the Narcissistic jungle.

    In this article I basically say I subscribe to the earlier refrigerator mother [fathers too?] theory too. I would love your take on this article as well.

    I have a theory about Aspergers and severe obesity, there seems to be a subset of us with extreme obesity, few in number but wonder if there is a pattern out there.

    I have been the part of Aspie/autistic social groups, and I have noticed this too that many Aspies had abusive parents and very narcissistic ones at that. In fact I have discussed this very topic with people in my Aspie social circles, and many of my closest friends are fellow Aspies.

    Some may say the Aspies were more likely to BE abused but its a pattern I noticed and why think the refrigerator theory should have remained intact. This doesn't mean every autistics parents are abusive, I do believe other factors can cause autism or Aspergers but I think to be politically correct except in rare circles they wiped away this discussion.

    The brain difference theory you have is interesting. I would have to study up on this one. I have noticed the same pattern too of autistics from malignant narcissistic families too. We are on the same page there as well.

    So the sociopaths get small amygdalas while the Aspies get big ones? Your theory is interesting especially if there is some genetic link to an abnormally sized amygdala.

    I still don't know if I am related to them or not. For me the extreme differences in the body really really stand out as well as some other things I remember. No one has a body like me. No extreme extreme obesity like this. I do have an autistic nephew and an Aspie second cousin.

  9. Hi Peeps, Sorry you went through hell with your narcissistic parent and sister, and that you are suffering from a severe case of lipedema because your narcissistic “mother” neglected you medically when you were young. I hope you could sue her and win your case against her for lying to you about your family and medical history. Some adult adoptees start their search for their birth parents for medical reasons. You have rights to know about your family health history and to get proper medical treatment for it. When a person lies to you about your true origin and health history, they are committing a crime such as attempted murder or withholding medical information from you. Somebody should tell you soon who are your real parent and their health history. Please make them tell you the truth so you could get the treatment you need.
    As an adult adoptee who has a hearing disability, I could understand where you are coming from and share your suspicions that you might be adopted. I was adopted by a narc social worker who abused me and my adoptive siblings. My adoptive siblings came from a different family than I did and were raised in different foster homes and a prospective adoptive home before they moved in with my adoptive mother and me. They were half-siblings who had same mother but different fathers. They lived together in different homes before my adoptive NM took them in. She abused them badly because she wanted to claim that they have psychiatric disability and collect more money from the state for adopting disabled children. It was in the 1970s to early 1980s, thus laws might have changed since then.
    Well, my adoptive NM had a weird theory that people who are not related by blood (adoptive relatives) are emotionally and psychologically detached who from who are not their flesh and blood or who do not share similar parents or ancestors. My adoptive mother told me that my brother and sister would love each other more than they loved me, and I was supposed to accept that. She told my brother and sister to ignore me whenever I got upset or hurt. She also rewarded them for being loving toward each other and being cruel to me because I was not their flesh and blood. I remember she gave them an ice cream cone or bought a toy they wanted. It was in 1977. I was 12, and my siblings were 10 and 7 respectively.

    Lisa (part 1--to be continued)

  10. A year later, my adoptive family went to a two week trip to Alaska. My adoptive brother and sister made fun of me because I confronted my brother for pushing our sister and making her cry. My adoptive mother told me to lighten up and endure their “tease.” She told me that they “teased” me and I should lighten up because I was not their blood sister. Then she mentioned about their different height, figures, sense of humor, eye-hand coordination that are different than mine. My adoptive narcissistic mother claimed that I did not have similar type of sense-of-humor as her biological family did and I should lighten up. I was very skinny and she made comments about me being short and fat compared to my sister. We were both skinny kids but she had thin thighs that super models have. I had hourglass figure, hips, and very tiny waist. My narcissistic adoptive mother claimed that adoptive children who expected to be loved the same as a biological family are naïve and syrupy people. Her theory is that adoptive children and adoptive parent love each other somewhat less and are detached because they do not share similar blood.
    When I turned 21, I visited my adoptive grandparent and learned that my adoptive siblings and I were disinherited only because we were adoptive children, and my NM planned to give everything to her brother. That brother in question has three biological children and I learned that these children will get something, if not money. Paula claimed that my adoptive siblings and I will fight over her inheritances when in reality we did not show signs of being gold diggers. It was in her head. Well, that’s my take on what it is like being adopted by a narc adoptive parents. There are good adoptive parents and siblings who gave more love than a biological family could, and good adoptive parents do not disinherit their adoptive children.
    I am suspicious that you might be adoptive because your “family” did not put pictures of you in the wall, did not show pictures of you when you were a newborn baby to the day you graduated from high school, and because both of your parents disinherited you. There were many things wrong with your narcissistic family. I hope you will get support from your friends and people you meet online while you go on your search for your origin.
    If you find out that your narcissistic parent are your biological parents, you might want to take legal actions to find out why you have lipedema and nobody in your family has that disease. That’s no brainer. I am unsure if people are genetically mutated as one person claimed. If you were genetically mutated, you want to know what your narcissistic mother did when she was pregnant with you!

    Lisa (part 2--the end)

  11. Hi Lisa, thanks for commenting here. I know if the lipedema had been treated or known about earlier, stage 1 or 2 is a different world then disabling stage 4. I believe when I was midsized I was in stages 1 and 2 and then moved to 3 and 4 fast when I had my 400lb weight gain. I also had other medical things neglected. They saw the weight gain and there was no help. She made one comment about me going to Mayo and then dropped it offering no real practical help whatsoever but that didn't make up for the years of neglected Asthma, Aspergers and other problems I had as a child.

    I am hoping to get answers. Yes when one is denied important medical information that results can be horrible and I definitely was. In my case I paid a heavy heavy price.

    None seem to want to tell me the truth. In the final NC letter I confronted her and I noticed what was missing she never wrote "I am really your mother."

    I am sorry you went through abuse being adopted. I know they check some adoptive parents but some are able to work the system and abusive ones can slip through. A social worker would definitely be in the system and know how to manipulate it in their favor. It is too bad you and your siblings were adopted by an abusive horrible woman. Yes the more disabled and mentally ill she could make your siblings out to be, the more the claims for social security money and special help. She probably could have driven them to some true disabilities being abusive. That is wrong for her to tell your brother and sister they would be closer and shut you out since they had a partial biological tie. It definitely looks like she was a narc and playing the triangulation games too between you and your siblings and playing favorites. They love to do that. I have remember some recent things like when I was 10, my mother had a birthday party for sister but they forgot mine birthday and another weird little thing, was when I was living at home from college, the year after, they let her park her car in the garage so she never had to clean snow off of it, and I was out in the side drive way. There was many things like that.

    Yes narcs will even encourage teasing of other children or their chosen scapegoats. I remember times when cousins and younger uncles and aunts would mock me and my mother would cheer them on. Her rubbing it in that you weren't relate to excuse teasing was awful. I have noticed weight is pounded on by narcs so even thin and normal sized children and teens are constantly called "fat" and that they are not good enough compared to others.

  12. That is cold that she said, that adoptives who wanted to be loved like by real parents were syrupy. That kind of comment tells me what she was right there. Terrible. Why adopt if your view of that is so horrible. I wish she had not been able to adopt you and your siblings. That is unfair too that she decided to disinherit all the adoptive children, this also tells me she probably adopted you all to pay her bills and get checks and for narcissistic supply to show off as a charitable martyr taking in "orphans" and others.

    I am sure there are kind and loving adoptive parents, a narcissist parent adoptive or biological will bring much pain and abuse to a child's life.

    Yes I was left off the grandmother's wall even from a very young age. Other school pictures of my cousins and siblings were put up on it, while I was left off. I even tested things and she did have spaces for other pictures giving a present of a wedding photo but she put this on a wall away from the main "family" wall. My NM has no pictures of me in her house but multiples of my sister husband and her children. I only remember seeing pictures of me at around age 1 and up. Nothing before where people may take pictures. I am trying to get one aunt to send me old pictures to see if there are any younger but she keeps making promises and sending me nothing. I am sending her a homemade card to say hello but I may not be getting any still. There are other things that point me to possibilities of adoption:

    1. As a child I took things way beyond child fantasizing about being adopted. I had this feeling of never belonging and of not fitting in. It came very early.

    2. I do not look like any relatives. My brother is closer because he is overweight and little bit of darker coloring like me but his features do not match mine. The rest of them are thin and light. Even on father's side. No one has the same body shape whatsoever.

    3. No one has lipedema. All the studies seem to contradict but on lipedema boards, that majority by far know which relatives they inherited from and many speak of their mothers having it too though it can be more mild. My "mother" has skinny legs. It is an autosomal dominant disease.

    4. I did get father's medical records some years back trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He had some genetic complement disorder and lupus, and while he was sick none of my health problems matched his.

    5. Treatment by mother going beyond the narcissism where there seemed to be no biological bond. I almost died in hospital in the 1990s even of infections and 2001, and she didn't come. Biological bonds usually mean the worse narc jerk will show up if their adult child is on the verge of dying. She would run bedside to every other relative including Aunt Scapegoat.

    6. While there are some mild and moderately overweight people all under 300lbs in the family, no one has ever reached my weight. I do not have an eating disorder. The fat people are very few in number. I know from doing this blog that the severely obese to my level of weight over 600-700lbs usually have some severe obesity in the family. I was wrong about paternal grandmother's weight, someone lied to me telling me she was huge when she really stayed within the 200s. I finally got some pictures.

    7 Different personality and IQ level. Much of my family was not academically gifted and did not read at all. My personality matches no one in the family while I see them matching between themselves. They lack the emotions I have.

    I have been getting support so that has been helpful. I do hope I can find some answers to my questions. I do want to know why no one else has lipedema and how I got so sick with multiple disorders while the rest of family was so much healthier or had health problems in the few that were sick, that did not match my own.

    I have never heard of people being genetically mutated. My mother never got radiated. LOL

    Thanks for your response Lisa

  13. If the child was adopted by your spouse, then because the definition of child includes a child of the person’s spouse – then the child is also your child for the purposes of superannuation. click here