Sunday, March 1, 2015
Psalm 1:1 The No Contact Verse and We are Refugees
Smakintosh made a very good video here. I never considered Psalm 1:1 in my no contact before but do now. I have followed the biblical commands to depart from the wicked but this Psalm is extremely revelatory too. Scornful is an interesting word that one can think of when it comes to the narcissist who degrades and mocks you. Smakintosh is right when he states we are commanded to depart from the personality disordered by God. Profligate is a very interesting word, those definitions definitely apply to narcissists and their evil towards other people. The word disquieting sums up so much of my life in dealing with the narcissists in my life, they took away my peace for decades, and disturbed and made me anxious. As a Christian, the Bible gives very direct advice for us to apply to our lives, and this verse is direct basically saying Get Away from people like this!
Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
I feel like a refugee too. During my first no contact, I literally went on the run. There is a side of my personality where I always think about running away. My husband wonders at some of this vigilance but I know where it comes from.
I pray Smakintosh's new move works out for him and his wife and they enjoy their new community. While I live in the same state as one of my main narcissists, I have not lived in any of the same cities as any member of my family since I was 21 years old. Thank God for that, they would have turned my name mud in whatever community we shared. I won't even live in the same town as a cousin as long as I live. Creating physical distance from narcissists is usually a good idea. They can't smear campaign you to your neighbors or try set-ups for revenge as easily.
It is hard to move, I've been through some tough ones myself. Just thinking of my old loved small town can be tough coupled with the grief of so many who have died there. That town in my life was a literal refuge and in that way probably will always have part of my heart in that I escaped a horrible place in the big city. I have enjoyed where I live now too, it is a small enough town where I can be comfortable. I do believe a move to escape narcissists is usually a good idea. I have fled them myself, and "saved" myself with moves. For many ACONs, physical moves can literally save their lives, and their emotional health. I wish mine did not know where I lived.
We are refugees. My dreams during my life often were filled of packing bags and being "in danger" and being on the run. I have often pondered the meaning of these dreams. I shout to my loved husband in many of these dreams to help me and sometimes he is there running with me and other times I am looking for him. In most of these dreams, I am hiding or running from my family. You know your Mom and Dad were not nice people if they star forever in your nightmares as villains. I used to even feel guilty about these dreams years ago but not anymore!
The psychologists would have a field day with my dream life. This description of being a refugee in Smakintosh's video hit home for me, I was always seeking shelter or refuge. I wanted saved from the evil. At a self help group, I told two friends, I never feel safe, I always feel the streets loom and that danger is like an anvil over my head. My refuge in this life has come through God. I agree He is my only refuge. When I feel this way, I have to go pray to deal with it. Like Samkintosh God has rescued me from very wicked people. I pray now for His protection everyday.
ACONs are those seeking refuge, and following their conscience, instead of being destroyed or owned by the wicked. I understand now why I feel like I am on "the run". I was a refugee.
Psalm 9:9 The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
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Really feeling this as it hits home. I've said that sentiment before too - refugee. My mom And her husband and his family, she has her own large FOO and children, plus grandchildren, friends, neighbors. Whenever I would stop by and visit, she would answer her door with her phone to her ear. She was always on the phone from my earliest memories talking, gossiping, getting information, cultivating her little cult. I find the fact that not one aunt, uncle (one a pastor), cousin, sibling reaches out, even at my mother's own behest. If my daughter stopped speaking to me, I would try to fix it, to meet in the middle. I would hope I would encourage family members to reach out to my daughter, who must be alone and hurting. Going on 4 years NC, and not once did my mother try to reach me, even though she has my email address. Unlike my brother who is 10 years NC, who calls her evil, I would be open minded if she sent me an email, would at least read it, and hope there was some reflection and honesty, doubt it but I would still hope. All this silence proves we mean absolutely nothing to our FOO. I mean you write a blog, helping others, processing the trauma and pain. I wake-up everyday with the hope I will hear from a family member, someone who will finally come clean and say "this is what everyone believes of you, tell me your side of the story." But the NIN song goes "Everyday is exactly the same" - silence and more silence. What kills me is how they all completely ignore my two beautiful children. They are the sweetest, funniest, loving children. Strangers stop me in NYC to tell me how beautiful they are, and they are stunning. I'm digressing here, but when my dear was 8 months old, my NM, GC NSis and I were having lunch, and a total stranger stopped at our table just to comment on my baby, he said, "Your baby is the most beautiful baby I've seen." My sister gave me this scornful look across the table as she has a grandbaby a few months older, who is so beautiful too. I forgot about this, until a month later, when alone with my NSIS, she put my daughter on her desk, and looked closely and said to my baby "You are so beautiful, how in the world did you come from your mother and father. You look like me..just kidding." What she did was plant a seed so in the future when people would stop and comment on my children's beauty, I would remember her seed. I cried the whole ride home, and shared what she said to my mother and sister-in-law, and found out from them that she was denying she said it which is gaslighting. What my sister did is beyond cruel to a new mom, especially your sister. Imagine a lifetime of this cruelty that no one calls her out on, those who know its true. It sends an auto message to me on both an unconscious and conscious level that you don't matter. I look at my children, and knew they/we never stood a chance in my family. So I can take refugee status but it kills me that now it's my children's fate too.
ReplyDeleteYes the narcs are surrounded by large FOOs and usually in charge of it. They never know what it is to be lonely. I may explore that in an article I'm going to write today. Mine does her cult work night and day. I would hear all the time especially during the time I was trying to reach out to save relationships before going no contact and realizing they were not savable, they would all say "I just talked to your mother" and there usually was some kind of nastiness involved with that. Even realizing she had told the one cousin who lives thousands of miles away that I was a malingerer horrified me but gave me the complete picture. I may still be writing a NC letter for the whole family but need to lay low and await the results of my adoption first. For now I have just gone quiet.
DeleteMine wanted to actively destroy the family relationships and often did like telling me not to visit my brother. She succeeded in driving a wedge between my brother in me and did so buying him furniture and making sure he remained a mind slave pleasing her.
I know I will have to write him a letter soon in going NC. I have too much to say. Normal mothers would try and repair relationships, ours were out to destroy them. Mine wanted me alone, and isolated and destroyed.
I get the phony cards she sends for appearances but they don't say anything. I am not surprised yours did not email you. Mine has never done a real reach-out in almost two years. There was no expression of remorse or asking "What is wrong?" I actually gave mine an opportunity telling her if she actually wanted to really talk to me, she could email me and that was refused.
I am going into counseling to deal with some of these issues as soon as I can leave the apt most days--housebound recently a lot, but I agree facing this means we mean nothing to our Foos. One friend laid it out flat, "They never liked you." and I conceded. They didn't like me for decades as I tried and tried to be loved and had a family that "cared". They only cared about my mother and worshipped her as I was nothing to them, and that includes both siblings. I hope one day both will read here. I will be making sure of that one day.
We all dream of one family member coming forward and caring. I got angry at a friend who didn't try to contact an uncle who recently died, and said, "you had a relative who was at odds with your mother !" I wish I wish!!!! I yelled. Do you have contact with your brother? I am glad you have one relative who sees through the nonsense. None of mine cared, they actually helped to bolster my abuse.
That is sick in my opinion that you have two children who are so great and they ignore them and reject them by proxy within the sick family system, but I have heard of this happening to other people. You know in one way it is a blessing, they are not there to steal them from you--be careful of wolves bearing money and gifts to your children once, they come of age. They will not be turned into narcs by these sickos. Do warn your children when they are old enough to understand to be forewarned so their children will be protected.
I digressed in the last comment, and wanted to also address a story that re-appeared in Daily Mail two days ago. When I read it, the story screamed ACON to me - same MO. This is a potential by-product of NC, ACON-Refugee status, and it is everyone's worst nightmare - dying and being found years later mummified, and no one caring all that time about your absence. but
ReplyDeletePia came from a family of nine siblings, yes nine! As an aside, it is my humble opinion that mothers, who have copious amount of children, at the very least raise the flag for N. Now, I know this is pure speculation on my part completely, but coming from a large family, and seeing it within my own mother's upbringing, and, of course, the mother of large families, Michelle Dugger. The siblings reprisal for not checking on their sister in all that time - 5 yrs - even in yr 3 when their mom died and Pia didn't show for her funeral after trying to reach her at home, was that was like their sister - to go long periods, even yrs, without hearing from her. Pia also cut off a friendship after a woman came to her party 3 hours late and didn't call. She was an exemplary employee, but seemed to lead a lonely existence. I saw so much of myself in Pia, the only saving grace is that I have a husband and children. Like Pia, I had to cut out toxic friends, who are drawn to me, like egging my car, taking off with my car for 24 hours, stealing from me.
This is the road our families put us on Peep. They covertly abuse you until you no longer have an ego left. Ego is needed to survive such as self-care. We go out into this world ill-equip and are vulnerable to a myriad of preditors. Then sick of it all, throw in being an ASPIE, and it's a normal response to retreat like Pia. My husband thinks I have Aspergers too. My dad was 42 when I was born, which older fathers are now thought to contribute to the spectrum. I digress yet again. I write all this because we need to face this potential albeit nightmarish reality a NC, ACON-refugee can fall into, unfortunately.
Also, look up Joyce Carol Vincent. There was a docu-drama called "Dreams of Life" featuring her story, another refugee ACON, same blueprint as Pia.
I don't have Facebook because of the ACON-associated PTSD. I was told you don't exist unless you are on Facebook.
Videos here are great. The man has a compelling way of speaking, precise pauses, a rhythmic cadence to his voice. I find listening to him to be most soothing, kind of reassurance from a wise person whose been to hell and back.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2974499/How-Michigan-woman-nine-siblings-end-mummified-backseat-car-remain-five-years.html
Ah yes you hear and read about the people here too, who die alone and they find the body weeks or even years in some cases. It is sad to know this, but there are people out there where they can die and no one misses them. I believe loneliness is epidemic in our society. I think I will write about it, and want to describe a time when I had severe loneliness. It is destroying many as we have so many "throw away" people in our society now.
I wonder too about the mothers who have tons of children, they are more objects and arranged. I believe Michelle Duggar is a narcissist. She has been showing more crazy signs on that show. Her eyes looked bugged out very badly recently, she looked so bad it was scary.
They make it sound like Pia cut them off, but I bet a lot of it was the other way around she probably gave up after the years of being pushed away. I may be NC now but remember when I was told I was at fault for my own illness and not making it the event they held in the coldest part of winter etc.
She does seem like she was very lonely makes me want to cry. I wonder if she was an Aspie although one with talent for programming that kept her in a middle class lifestyle. I can see why she got rid of toxic friends and yes if one blew off your party for hours, that is pretty awful. Same for yours stealing your car and doing bad things to you.
I definitely think she could be a victim of narcs. You are so correct that this is a path the families put us on. When they reject us, others around us reject us watching how we are treated especially the scapegoats. They destroy our egos and our confidence and socially we fail. We are prey for the predators and scared to get close to the good, and even there struggle with the trust and risk in social situations. It affects everything self care, etc. I can find some good and close friends but that can take years. It is not like an NT who moves somewhere and has friends within a few weeks. I see myself in Pia too and had years where if I died no one would have noticed me. Thank God I met my husband when young.
Yes look into seeing if you have Aspergers, when I found out it answered a lot for me. Older fathers definitely are a known risk factor. I want to write about this subject now, will soon, power is low on computer, hate that when I am in writing mood. LOL, but my main fear of going NC, was ending up alone. I even had one old friend say to me, "You can't cut everyone off you will be all alone" With the family I was alone with them. Even extreme illness didn't get them to come by my way side. It is better to be alone then abused too. I knew I had to be alone with God even rather then a slave to their crumbs.
Joyce Carol Oates is an ACON? Wow. I read her books constantly and have read just about every one of them during my life. I will look those up.
I think smakintosh's videos are great too, and he does have a compelling way of speaking. Through his videos he is helping to give many assurance.
Peep,
ReplyDeleteHow does someone get diagnosed for Aspergers? Who can make that diagnoses?
That's uncanny that you noticed Michelle's bugged-out eyes too. It's hard to watch TV with young children, but I try to catch a show when I can. I think she had a monopoly on attention (Narc supply) since Josh was born (26 years?), and now sees her two older daughters married off, one already pregnant, and she's figuring out her new place. Another one on that show who makes me wonder too is Jessa. She is a beautiful girl but extremely unemotional, cold. Did you see that photo of Michelle and JB mimicking Jessa and Ben's kissing pic? That rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Narcs are notorious for pulling attention-seeking stunts.
The London woman who died in similar circumstances as Pia is Joyce Carol Vincent. At first glance, I immediately referenced Oats too but not related. I think it's the Joyce Carol that does it.
We briefly discussed it in your comments section before, but Julia Roberts half-sister, Nancy Motes, is an absolute ACON and scapegoat for sure. She would be a great story for a documentary, with its thesis grounded in family scapegoating and narcissism and its lasting effects. I'm sure Julia would try to shut something like this down to keep Nancy's abuse hidden from the world. From all accounts, she seemed like an authentic and good soul despite how it all ended.
I was told about Aspergers by two therapists, one it was more informal but the second who was a few notches up, backed up the first therapist. A lot of adult Aspies usually hear it from the therapists though some are self-diagnosed. Some are diagnosed as children. It is usually psychologists and psychiatrists who can do the testing too.
ReplyDeleteYeah Michelle's eye balls were bugging out. So often her smile and rest look FAKE to me. She over does it so much it is extreme. I think she kept having babies for narc supply too and she does not seem very attached to her children at all either. Even today's show doing one on one time with the kids, seemed more about trying to stand up to internet criticism. I get the feeling she is jealous of the married daughters attention due to their weddings and first babies, and trying to hide it with even more of a gritted teeth smile. Jessa gives me the willies, they all say she lacks emotions but act like this is normal. It was even said today. I notice she is getting snippy on camera, and while she snaps back with her smile and more, the real Jessa because of so much camera time recently has come sneaking out. I feel for Ben. He seems very naïve, very much attracted to her but not realize as "emotional" as he is, he basically is in love with an ice queen. He seems like a future narc enabler and I fear for any future children. That is one I hope will rebel and use birth control and hold off on the 20 kid plan, she does not look like that is actually anything she'd be interested in.
I thought the kissing picture was gauche. And more attention seeking. For people who act like they are all about modesty and Christian principles, that one was hypocritical. In an odd way the Duggars are pretty obsessed about sex.
Ok thanks for telling me the name ends with Vincent. I wonder what kind of childhood Joyce Carol Oates had though LOL.
Oh yes I remember our discussion about Nancy Motes, she would make a great documentary I agree. I feel for someone like that. Of course it reminds me of Tiffany Sedaris.
Yes! The gritted teeth smile. I knew something was off, and I thought she looked different but chalked it up to aging. Something was definitely different about her than previous seasons. You are a good human observer Peep.
ReplyDeleteI concur with your assessment of Jessa. Ben does seem very naive. He's only 19-20 yrs old. She doesn't seem the type to have 20 kids like maybe Anna or Jill. Even her blush-colored wedding dress broke tradition. I think in these type of familes, on shows like this one, children can become duplicitous. One way in front of others, but within their internal core they are a whole other person
For which they themselves are only aware. This causes them to wear a public mask or persona, and the Peeps of the world can detect this conflict. Think of the character Amy from Gone Girl. That's an extreme case of course.
It's funny you mention how TLC did a special on Michelle spending time with her kids to quiet the talk on blogs and chat rooms, etc. Remember the backlash Kate Gosslin got for her treatment of their two German Shephards. In the recent specials, she had a segment where she talks about how much she loves animals, and now loves on a pet bird named Zoro. It felt contrived.
Don't get me started on Kody Brown from Sister Wives.
Question: How do the Duggers reconcile that their show is on the same network at Sister Wives, Honey Boo Boo?
Even Ben's mother recoiled at her gritted teeth and bugged out eyes as she prattled on about Ben and Jessa getting immediately pregnant. This told me his mother is more normal but Ben will be in for it, he is basically marrying a malignant narcissist in my opinion. He is the naïve one, and Jessa will eat him alive. One can already see that she controls him with every look, and nuance. [I saw this with my own mother and people] He may break away one day but it will come at a heavy price, fighting a famous millionaire's daughter won't be easy. LOL the Peeps of the world can see through it. I think she already has the birth control pills at the ready--I hope she does anyway for the sake of the poor kids born into the union of a teenager who is totally controlled by his father in law and his cold wife.
DeleteI saw where Jessa was "witnessing" and it was not a true gospel, just hell and following rules no relationship with Jesus.
It all seemed like an act to me. Her real personality is the duck-faced narcissist of selfies.
Yes Michelle was emphasizing the one on one time but I noticed immediately how she could have Jordyn and Jennifer [?]right next to her, and ignore them both for Josie over and over. Josie is an obvious golden child. I think Michelle is showing overt signs of some sort of mental illness even beyond narcissism and could be heading for some kind of crisis. I often wonder if Jana is being left without a suitor because she basically is the replacement mother for all her younger siblings. She may even turn down dating thinking of the younger children needing her.
Kate Gosslin is definitely a malignant narcissist, and scary one, what happened with the German Shephards. I know about Sister Wives, he definitely shows narcissism-hmm interesting the people that fill our airwaves and the wives all falling all over themselves to please that guy is scary. I think they will all be "divorced" when the show ends and Kody and his favorite wife and probably the only one he is actually treating as a wife anymore Robyn, will go off into the sunset. Mari I think plans to break away and that is the reason for the legal divorce and will definitely be gone when the show ends. What does she need Kody for if she has her TLC money and her one kid is out of the house? She will only be an unpaid babysitter to the rest.
I wondered about that with the Duggars too how do they reconcile that, of course the intense seeking of fame, kind of is hypocritical as well.