Sunday, March 15, 2015

Narcissists Subvert Entire Families

They do take away our whole families. I am so happy Smakintosh made this video because it nails things for my own life. We all ask ourselves, how did these narcissists manage to take our whole families away? Why does the whole family enable them? Why do our ENTIRE family and friends of family even reject us? Why are our email and letters ignored? Why do they all speak to us as if the malignant narcissist is sitting right over their shoulder? Why do they all treat us like we are nothing? Because the narcissists have trained them to. Why is there no understanding or empathy for our positions? How do these narcissists get so much power to take our families away from us? I am glad God's Word addresses these issues in warning us about how this happens. These are warnings that can help us deal with the reality of these outcomes. I definitely am one that has been "sitteth solitary" in a family according to Psalm 68:6.

I had to face facts too not only with my mother being a sociopath, but also face the fact that my entire extended family does not like me and are controlled by my mother and other narcissists within the family. This may be a strange thing to say, but it is the truth. I have told myself, "They do not like you." and now I have given up. Finally I am dealing with my real feelings regarding them.

We are not going to be feel positive feelings towards those who treat us badly and who refuse to see us as human beings. They see the "image" the malignant narc has presented to them. I have to admit, outside the unformed younger members, I see them as weak people and those who do not care, and who are closed down inside. What is there for me to like or be attracted to anymore? Some I did love and care about but I have to admit I was horrifyingly disappointed about what some became under the evil influences within the family. I had the thought the other day maybe it is good that people like this do not like me. I aspire to different things in life. What I stand for is completely in opposition to them.

 My family is a cult with my mother as the cult leader. She is never questioned. No one disagrees with her. So when she decided I was the "throw-away" and the "nothing", they all got on board without nary a protest. My narcissistic grandmother had cult leader status. I will be writing about her next. I watched people fall over her too to praise her, while others were ignored. Is it normal for modern day American families to be run with old school matriarchs that expect to be bowed to and obeyed? To be frank, people like this in some ways never grow up. I see some family members as eternal children wanting to keep "Mommy" pleased who never cut the apron strings. Even if I am broke and low on life skills, the maturity level of someone who starts living for God will always be higher then those who seek to please a malignant narcissists.

Sometimes I ask myself, "What took me so long to "get it"? Everyone wants a loving family. I have friends who see their families every week, and where they are a part of their life. Everyone wants kinfolk. This can be one of the most painful things during the life of a scapegoat ACON. The kinfolk that should there, simply are not. The malignant narcissist turns them against you. There are some I did care about and love, but what comes of love in a wicked system? It is destroyed. I hated who they tried to make me and tried to make me become around them. This was one important reason to break away.

I begged for crumbs from them for far too many years and allowed myself to be hurt again and again, and those days are over, this will be for my betterment. I know in my case, it was a miracle I did not end up like Aunt Scapegoat, I got away, and did not sit there and rot next to them but went to go find new communities and people who did affirm me instead of actively rejecting me to please an evil narcissist. While I lost some of my communities, and have suffered losses of dear friends due to death, I have found people who love and care about me. I have to face facts my family are not among their number. I'm not wasting any more years trying to find love, kindness, acceptance and sharing among people who have none for me.

These narcissists really do turn entire lists of people against scapegoats and ACONs. They can even destroy relationships between children and people if they have enough contact with them. A Narcissistic grandmother doesn't care about destroying the relationship between a scapegoat and their daughter or son. Family friends, ex-spouses, step-fathers and mothers, add them to the list too as the people who will listen to the lies of the scapegoat. Smakintosh is absolutely correct to point out that these narcissists set up things where the entire family system sees you [the scapegoat] only through their lens. This was a major problem for me as I realized none saw me for who I was. There were times I spoke to some where the brainwashing was so extreme, it scared me.

Smakintosh is correct that then us ACONs have to face the horrifying reality that there isn't one ally among our family. We do not have one person to stand by us or even who accept us or see us as a good person. He is right that the immediate and even extended family walk lockstep with the abuser. Here I think of the Bible verse in Revelation where it speaks of the world turning towards evil:

Revelation 17:3 "These have one mind, and shall give their power and strength unto the beast."

With the "beast" as my mother in this scenario, they all have ONE MIND. They did give her power and strength. They don't think for themselves. It boggles my mind asking how things turned out this way where one didn't break from the hive, so this video has helped me quite a bit in explaining the "whys" of it all. They do become "enablers" and "foot soldiers" for the malignant narcissists. One thing I encountered and I did try to reach out to my family is not one would separate from the hive. All spoke to me even ones living thousands of miles away like my mother was standing over their shoulder. Not one stray word could be said, where she may find out, and they would be punished. Watching adults act this way was disgusting.

There are very very dark spiritual realities when a malignant narcissist or sociopath is running a family, they become in thrall to her. Satan is overjoyed when one of his servants destroy people within families. He knows these are the painful things that can lead people to total spiritual and even physical destruction. I see Aunt Scapegoat as destroyed while I cried out to God to be rescued. God is working on rescuing me now.

 I am forgotten about next to her, and invisible.I am having to face facts, when I made my decision to go NC with the entire family [outside the email contact with a niece and possible future contact with two nephews]. Even there my hopes are limited as I know the narcissists will work on them too. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt anymore and I was hurt quite a bit, trying to reach out to these family members with multiple doors slammed in my face. He is right to mention there is no love or empathy or support to come from a single cousin, aunt, uncle or sibling. We all believe family cares for us, but we find out the truth instead. In my case, I could not get close to them and blamed myself, but now I am seeing the bigger picture.

God has let us know these evil individuals infect entire families. I even ponder the spiritual realities about me being written in the book of Life as a born again Christian, and how this made me her "my enemy" right from the start. She knew I sought after goodness even for all my faults, while she chose evil and to shut down her conscience and this is what turned her against me, perhaps even from the get-go. There is a reason I got slapped as a child for being "too sensitive" and told to harden up. They wanted me to become them. My treatment in my case worsened after I became a Christian.

Smakintosh puts the important information in his video that we are not alone and there are others who have suffered this too. Praise God for warning us in scripture about this happening to people. This can give us the spiritual fact, that we are not at fault, and these people are operating outside of God's Will and seeking after evil. They are disorderly and do not care about following protocols, they do love confusion and muddying the thinking of others. They are vain and empty and self deceivers and deceivers of others. My mother has deceived my entire family. They tell lies and do subvert whole families. My whole family has been subverted. My family sees my mother as their foundation, the one who they measure everything by not God. They worry most about pleasing her. My mother has undermined the morals and character of almost the entire household. I think about how things I value so much, are not valued in my family. Everything is about looks, money, measuring up in the established system and pleasing sickening narcissists.  When my father was alive he took things the same direction. She has manipulated perceptions, imaginations and feelings.

I am thankful for this video and it's spiritual warnings and reminders. The Bible has indeed warned us about these depraved individuals. I will turn to God to comfort and do thank Him, that I was not subverted as well. I was able to escape and have my mind be free.


  1. Great Video. I like this guy. If not for my sister and her son the whole bloodline of this side of my family would have stopped with my mother. There is literally no one left. I choose not to have kids after my marriage to my ex who is a willing instrument of my mothers bidding got so bad I got permanently sterilized rather than bring a child into their clutches.

    1. Me too. I am happy you have your sister and her son for a family. Thank God she was not brainwashed by your sociopathic mother. I have no one left too. I understand choosing not to have children when narcs are about and you have a narc ex-wife, who did the bidding of your mother. Sadly children are influenced and often taken away from ACONs.

  2. I never thought with my mother's influence I would have taken to kids like I have. My step daughter has a son who is the coolest little thing and I can keep track of my nephews boy on facebook. The only use and redeeming value I can find in social media etc etc etc.I want to post a picture of my stepdaughters son but would rather not use him in any way that might be construed as a cheap ploy to garner hits.

  3. I have no family left either. I actually did have my sister at one time, that is, until mother took over. One time I needed to stay at my sisters house because I had gotten a job in her city. Mother said she would have to give her permission first, and she told my sister to do it for mother. Permission? Yes, I don't get that one either.

    So I lived with her a bit. We got close. That is, till mother changed that. Long story.

    I never had a family actually. My brother, well, he's weird. His wife is MN. He thinks mother is bipolar, and..... Long story.

    I always envy those with a family. Actually, when I come to think of it, staying with my sister was weird. She was always attacking me for getting lost. (My first time in that large city.) And other things.

    I still wish I had a family though.

    I think its great that Q has his sister and her son.

  4. I feel your pain. My situation is much like yours. Yes, my brothers and sister in laws bow down to the Narcissist mother. However, they all consider themselves to be STRONG Christians.....though my mother is an atheist. She plays the game well, at 95. She knows she 'holds out hope;' in them that she can be 'converted', but she laughs behind their backs.

    What has happened to the siblings? This is what happens: The constant onslaught and presence of a sociopath, (narcissist) in the family in such a position of power actually deadens 'good' people to the suffering of others. They become narcissists themselves (brothers) and they all become hard hearted. It is something that I have seen over the years.

    Two years ago my dear husband had a stroke. only one brother said anything to my email: however, the chief narcissist ('mother') and everyone else around her said absolutely nothing. When I mentioned this stroke to the sister in law that I had been at one time the closest....she said: "Oh, I thought you were over that by now." What?????

    She was seen by me as the only possibility of compassion in this polluted family, but clearly she has changed for the worse. She has hardened her heart. All the while of speaking of Christ ...just words in her mouth.

    We can do nothing about these people except to go NO CONTACT. They are poison to ourselves, and we will never be able to change them. Their wiring is too twisted by the atmosphere of constant narcissism. And...they are so afraid of the chief narcissist's turning her anger and rage against them. Also, as I have been disinherited...they get 'more' and this is of great benefit to them...and they know it. and make your own life and realize that the poison that they spew will never change....but you can rise above their onslaughts and make such a better life for yourselves. They are without redemption.

    Lady Nyo

    1. Lady Nyo, that is sad, I can see false Christians bowing before an atheist narc. I suppose that doesn't surprise me. The narcs become their true idols, chosen even about God many times. Many of these sychophants would jump into a lake if told by one of the narcs. Yours lived to be 95? Poor you.

      Wow I think you are on to something when you say the position of a powerful narc sociopath, deadens the people around them and turns many of them into narcs. I definitely agree with that! I have seen it. When I write about my grandmother, you will see the generational pull of all this. They are trained to be hard hearted. With the enablers and flying monkeys I consider, they all have lost something in their personalities, at the behest of the narcs and sociopaths they seek to please. EMPATHY. Even my cousins [the children of Aunt that Loved Me] men in their 30s are falling over themselves to please Uncle Narcissist. What influence will he be on them? He will teach them the inner intricacies of death metal satanic rock and to "get over" I suppose.

      I will pray for your husband sorry he had a stroke, yes even with the "nice" ones you will see they turn. I have old letters from Aunt Scapegoat, one was from 1984, in it she expresses kind feelings towards me, those all vaporized like a fart in the wind, under the pressure of narcs. Yes I wrote her back too, and enjoyed the relationship back then. I have seen many turn for the worse. Why else am I laughing and joking and sharing a book with my nephew in 2011, and in 2015, he hates my guts, and ignores a card and letter from me? I never had any ill words with him ever. This is something I noticed happened over and over. I wouldn't even KNOW why people started to hate me. It would just happen. I made my last gasp attempt this year to him. I will never know why he hates my guts now but I know it is under the influence of narcs.

      I even ask the niece why he wont talk to me in the emails, and hear nothing. It was always like this under the narcs. Yes we have to go NO CONTACT. We have been hurt enough. I know people were turned evil by the narcs surrounding them and I know even the kind cousins will go south, falling over themselves to please Uncle Narcissist. The narcs keep them in line too with the threat of being ostracized, isolated and maligned like the sociopaths. Yes most will inherit money. I am sure my sister's life will become even more priviledged. Perhaps her narc power will grow when this happens. I wonder if she will do the same thing to her children's lives, I can already see the way she could influence her children to evil, coldness and lack of empathy. She has treated them like trophies where achievement counts for everything. It makes me sick. I have asked God why someone like this was even allowed to have children.

      Yes I am running, I just hope I can make the better life. I find myself thinking I need some blessings in this life not just waiting for the next to have some hope. I hope that makes sense. I agree they are without redemption. People who think they are perfect will never repent.

  5. Hi Peep. As usual, a beautifully written and thought provoking post about the family ORDER you've had to live under and from which you are breaking free. You're an artist through and through; painting a picture here with words! The damage is so complex and so complete, you and those of us who visit your site know, we are never free from their manipulation because of what they've stolen. We can't retrieve anything they've taken from us. We really can only ever go on to cobble together something that looks much more beautiful than what was and then we'll have to guard what we've created with our lives.

    I will never ever give them another chance. And like you, I have an entire family of dysfunction around which I've had to put up a fence and hang signs (in my mind) that say BEWARE OF DOG! I have a whole world that, much to their chagrin, is the exact opposite of their desperate attempts to define me as a "loser". So, after my wrong thinking over the years that they really wanted me to succeed and sharing with them (they, extracting from) my life, I finally realized about 5 years ago that they all had to go. It was just too emotionally painful and none of the conversations, questions, comments were ever to connect, only to divide.

    I now consider myself 'allergic' to sneers, jeers, leers, and smirks, "casting seeds of doubt", reducing people to the size of a dog poop, criticizing and complaining about things 'other' people do with their own lives... You understand my allergy, I know; it's like having industrial disease toward crummy behavior. I just have to get away when I experience it, like a noxious smell.

    I still have one brother who is capable of comprehending, but his wife keeps her thumb on him so I'm low-contact there, for now. I can always tell when he's speaking his own mind vs when her hand up the back of his shirt; laughable, but still dangerous to me because he will ultimately have to side with her, I know. But even there, just knowing now that if speak my mind and it brings that relationship down too, I'll know why and certainly won't blame myself this time. His wife is currently navigating in some weird snoopy way disguised as something else; as par for the course you know, plausible deniability for the 'coverts'. But she can't fool me and I'll step back or start peppering her (them) with questions she can't answer without EXPOSURE; her BIGGEST FEAR. I prefer to step back, but dream of making someone uncomfortable who makes it her business to stand between me and my last forlorn sibling relationship.

    Anyway, I'm going on again. I just wanted to connect with you about losing it all when it was never there to begin with. The emotions, regrets, devastating realization and horrifying revelation that we were chosen to be despised, I think will haunt us. I don't see how a system (family) so vital to survival and a healthy self-concept having been denied us can ever not be longed for. Maybe the process is truly like a death that we have to process Kubler-Ross style until we settle down. I don't know, but I do connect with your writing on so many levels when you post, so I feel privileged to be here, with you, as you go through such a similar experience. Any good and decent person would feel sadness when they have to realize they're surrounded by monsters who simply can't love or care just for the sake of loving and caring. It's a gift, I think, that we realize it and leave rather than remain within the crazy-making sphere, even though it feels awful, just the same. There are so many good people who are drawn to your site. You're not alone here, ever. Thanks again, Peep. -- Lora

    1. hanks Lora I appreciate it. Thanks for saying I am an artist painting pictures with words :) I agree about the damage and knowing what they have stolen lasts forever in this life. I agree with guarding our lives, and I know losing the life of before in my old community is one reason that is so hard. Sometimes even the small losses get to me, the changes of day to day life, one thing I know I will struggle with the rest of my life is the trying to guard what I have and seeing things so easily lost.

      I agree about never giving them another chance. I tried so hard too and for too long. Now I even think of how the ones I considered
      "nicer" even shoved me away for the narc and I am disgusted.

      I am glad you did get a good life.This is how an ACON can survive AND then THRIVE. This may be while my struggle is so intense. I have dreamed of a better life and body but it has remain outside my reach. I do try to find the small joys I can, which probably is better then anything they are capable of feeling.

      It sounds like you realized the same thing, I realized they all had to go too, I had the many conversations, trying trying trying to be seen and "heard" and never being.

      I agree with the allergy. I'm too tired to deal with those types. I even want to stay away from the "show-offs" who make me feel bad. It is better to just stay away. Anyone who makes me feel like my family or mother I avoid like the plague. One can feel it, this inner sense of condemnation.

      I hope your brother comes around, sorry his wife controls him. I am glad you just are direct.

      You are right doing this we realize it never was all there to begin with. I remember seeing Aunt Denial once in my mother's living room, gushing about how 'we have such a close and loving family' and I wanted to puke. It was all a facade. Even she sent me a fake card, "we miss you so much" but I couldn't even get the woman to write me a simple email for over a year. I agree about them being monsters and with Kubler Ross, yes this is grief as strong as any death would cause. Thanks for your kind comments on my writing, yes there are good people here coming to share their struggles too. :) Thanks Lora

  6. I think a sibling that will sell you out to the narc wasn't worth having as a brother or sister anyway. I think a lot of why the bond between my sister and I was something my mother couldn't break was a function of her complete insanity and the ages we are/were. She is 7 years older than I am and practically raised me. We would sit around and play in the dirt and talk trash about how crazy our mother is. I was just old enough to know my mother was not like other mothers so my sister was more validation for what I could see with my own two eyes than a way for my mother to peck at me and drive w edge between us. By the time all the violence came up I just knew I could count on my sister but neither of my parents.

    1. I wonder if your sister had more of a motherly bond with you considering how much older she was and this helped things survive in that she wanted to protect you. I am happy you could talk to her about how crazy your mother was. This helped you I am sure survive the insanity. I just got the denial twins, and to be honest, I believe both became fellow narcs except one is far more malignant then the other. I remember how my brother even would defend my parents. Sure he'd agree to a point on somethings but I was always wrong to him. To be honest realizing he saw me as chopped liver too, was very painful, but it was there even far earlier. Nope they are not much of siblings. He was never really there for me either ever. The proof in the pudding came with him in 2013, still refusing me a visit when I told him how ill I was. I am happy you have your sister.

  7. My mother-in-law died this week. The funeral is tomorrow. There is was no love lost between us.
    My parents sided with my mother-in-law against me when I refused to have a relationship with her or allow her around our children. My husband said something tonight about how she had poisoned them and it made me think. It was THEIR character flaw that allowed them to make a choice that I consider morally bankrupt (cutting off your own kid out of your life). True, she was a bad manipulator and truly toxic, but the adults who allowed her to have any power over them were capable of saying no. They made the choices they did of their own free will
    The only people who I think we should allow a pass for their choices are children.
    My sister allowed herself to be manipulated by my parents as well. I see that as her own flaw.
    I don't mean to be argumentative or to shoot down your thinking, but in my life I think it is important to not allow the narcissists to be so all-powerful. Adults are capable of saying no. If they don't, in my opinion, it is their own character flaw.

  8. Choosing a non blood related relative over their own daughter is pretty low. You are right they made that choice. Adults definitely can say no, and "this ends now". I believe those who follow the bidding of the narcissist are just as guilty in the end. The "subverted" are just as wicked.