Saturday, November 22, 2014

Sister Light, Sister Dark

                                                       [picture source]

This is an article to accompany Sister Fat, Sister Thin

One sees loving sisters on TV all the time. Sadly it is not always like that in the real world.

When I was a child, I loved my sister dearly, we played many games together, shared a bedroom for years full of conversation, and even once I saved her life from a severe asthma attack my parents ignored but my mother would do everything in her power to destroy the relationship.  Well she succeeded. 1986, my sister still loved me, by 1987, it was if a changeling had taken over her. Love turned to hate at the behest of a narcissist!  My sin? Going away to college though now I realized trouble brewed far before that. What happened to the girl I once loved and who was there? It was like an eraser was taken to her very soul. I grieved the same as a woman who has lost a sister to death. That person I once knew is gone.

 A switch was happening in late high school that centered around my Aspergers and growing weight. My sister was embarrassed of me and would pretend not to know me in our high school halls, she knew I was seen as "the nerd". My parents backed her up in this rejection, telling her, that too much closeness with me would socially drag her down. Even though I was a far better student and my parents had me doing her school projects or reusing papers I wrote a few years before, I came way in last. They treated me like a "Nobody".

I remember the extreme differences in our treatment that for some reason worsened immensely by the time I was in high school. My mother would walk into my sister's room every morning to help her get ready, combing her hair,  tidying up her bed, fluffing her pillow for the next night and laying out her clothes and helping her choose what to wear. I remember being around 14 and 15 years old wondering why my sister who was only a year younger got all this attention and I did not. My mother would also make her school lunch, cutting the crusts off the white Italian bread making her favorite garlic bologna sandwiches with lettuce and putting always the same amount of goldfish crackers in a baggy for her.   No one ever made my lunch, I made that on my own. My mother also would pour her bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios--she ate nothing but for breakfast for decades even into adulthood and could even still eat them now for all I know.

Before I went no contact I had to face what my sister really was about, the picture was bad. After I have gone no contact, clarity has made the picture even more frightening.

There were many years I did not want to face who she had become.  The day after Thanksgiving 2012, she sat in my mother's house giving me the same look of disgust and disdain, I had gotten so long from my mother. Going back to that day, looking at her winced up face, staring at me, I thought to myself, "Here is someone who has it all [well on paper], and appreciates none of it. There is no happiness, no light in there."  She had lied to me about her family visiting my mother on Thanksgiving, else I would have gone the day before for Thanksgiving. Her lies and my mothers ensured that I was not there.

I was being punished for the year before's Thanksgiving  [2011] for telling them, they should not have a relative with open and active MRSA [the flesh-eating virus] come to our family Thanksgiving gathering. Just two weeks before he had a surgery to remove a portion of his thigh where the MRSA had ate away at it. I feared losing my leg. This was before I had lymph therapy and my lipedema diagnosis and constant infections came from that.  I warned them because I feared CHILDREN getting it, but I pissed both of them off beyond no belief. Does that make any sense? No, it does not.
This whole episode told me how sick and dysfunctional both of them really were.

I remember my mother even though this other relative had given it to three others, saying, "We can wipe the toilet seat off, with alcohol and make sure to use different silverwear!". She had other ideas like requiring the relative use the second bathroom upstairs instead of the one downstairs. Instead of having the guts to tell this other relative, that not everyone felt safe, and wanted to wait, my mother cancelled the entire event and lied to the other relative, saying she had hurt her knee and was not up to fixing Thanksgiving dinner. My sister was no help, and backed up my mother's lie and asked me, "Why did you open your big fat mouth?"  Both treated me like I was over-reacting and abused me for telling them the truth about what was going on with the relative. They didn't seem to even care about their own young children or grandchildren getting life-threatening MRSA. With the relative in question, I had barely gotten the truth out of him on the phone and he admitted to me at the time he was a carrier. His selfishness was immense, as he called me bawling me out for "messing up Thanksgiving". This was part of my horrific path to no contact.

Can you all believe it? That is how my family operates. I knew I wasn't going to go. Loosing my leg or my life to MRSA was not on my game-plan. Concern for my nieces and nephews, fear of death or being an amputee overcame my fear of my mother. I took a major hit for keeping my sister's children away from it. How stupid can people get?

Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2012, Back then still with the fog in my eyes, trying to desperately get my family to love me, I had gone out the day after, wanting to see my nieces and nephews.  She had flubbed up Thanksgiving lying to me, telling me no one was getting together. This year of course, I will be making my own turkey and will be free of their dramas. Thank God.

Being no contact this long,  I started getting more objective about my sister.

1. I realized she had become my mother. She was a narcissist. She was cold, she was a frozen wasteland of a person. She may even be a sociopath. She seemed to have no feelings or emotions.

2. She had the same coldness my mother displayed and the same extreme lack of empathy. My sister never cried at funerals. Never. Other family members would remark on this and wonder why she never cried. She didn't cry otherwise either. She didn't bother with faking a few emotions like my mother did on extremely rare occasion. One day a few years ago, one of her sons got a rare heart disease that almost killed him. He would survive but I remember how utterly blank she was about it. She didn't seem to care in the same way a mother should care about a child facing life or death.

She showed no fear during extreme asthma attacks, that to my horror, I realized she lacked the ability to feel fear like my mother.

3. My whole sister's life revolved around pleasing my mother. She did not care about pleasing me ever or having me or anyone be happy. I've mentioned this before but the creepiest thing is she DRESSES just like mother. The same clothes. The same lack of make-up. The same unflattering helmet hairdo! However it's worse then that, just like that movie where the evil roommate tries to take over the other's life--in "Single White Female", my sister sought to replicate my mother as closely as she could. Have any other ACONs encountered this with a golden child or is this just an extreme case?

I noticed how her first house, was the same exact design and color of the first house my mother married and moved into. She even tried to have three children [supposedly just like my mother] but ended up with four because the third pregnancy was fraternal twins. She watched the same exact TV shows as my mother including General Hospital for thirty years. She cooked the same food. She bought the same furniture.  She modeled everything exactly except my mother's government job.

4. While my mother kept me from her friends and I barely knew who they were, my sister was brought into my mother's social circles as an adult and vice versa.  Seriously my mother and sister were like a clique unto themselves as I remained an outsider. Trust me, it's weird to see your mother's Facebook, with all her friends, know barely any of them but realize your sister who lives even further away then you do, is friends with many of them.

5. My sister saw her children as trophies. In one letter when we were still in contact, I told her don't honor children only according to their achievements. Everything she wrote on Facebook was "****** became an Eagle Scout, ****** won a school award". She didn't seem to know her children as people seeing them as objects in filling out the "perfect family life". Family photos were odd with everyone lined up like tin soldiers, my sister always to the side with the children grouped together.  Image like to my mother was everything. I worried about the values her children were being taught, hopefully some loving teachers and others filled in a few blanks.

6. My sister has no friends. She had a few activity partners, and was friends with a couple that her husband had a close friendship in from college, but when I used to talk to her, everyone was inferior, everyone had done her wrong, everyone didn't know what they were doing. She seemed to always meet the world's most incompetent people if I was to believe what she told me about them.  I asked her once on the phone, "Sure there are people annoy me, but you don't ever meet someone you like in any group you join or volunteer with?" She ignored old high school and other friends I ended up having more contact with. She just didn't seem to be that attached to anyone. There was no girlfriends coming over or Mother's groups even. She was superior to all!

7.  She was so fixated on pleasing and being what my mother wanted her to be, she became an empty shell. This is the negative side of being a Golden Child. They become the narcissist's total mind slave.. That is exactly what the worse of the bunch become. All the false praise, presents and elevation makes the narcissist a false "god" to them. This "god" is who they desire to please. My sister was never open to any thinking that my mother was adverse to. She followed my mother's church obediently. She shared all her politics to the tee. She shared her same exact views of life and what was important and what was not. She disliked everyone my mother disliked and scapegoated including me and my brother's ex wife. She had no mind of her own. She has no identity of her own. It is frightening and it is scary. She always obeyed my mother no matter what and never ever disagreed with her once that I can remember in 25 plus years. Can you imagine someone like that never disagreeing with another, even MILDLY where even banter is off the table?

8. Spiritually my sister gave me the willies. This worsened with time. As I talked about in the People of the Lie article, being in thrall to a narcissist will make evil grow.  In one last conversation, I got a stomach ache and she kind of "frightened" me and wanted to get away.  She wrote weird stuff like "I do not travel' and then wrote she was going to Florida almost in the same paragraph. During the last two-three times I saw her, She never smiled in my presence. She never laughed.  She spent most time robotically looking at an empty Kindle as her school-aged children escaped to their various gadgets and/or wiping down my mother's tables to perfection, pinky in the air.

Hey I am a disabled person prone to some depression, so understand depressed people but this was worse, it was a like black cloud hovered both in her eyes and in the room.  This occurred during the Thanksgiving 2012, and during one of my last conversations with her. Her letters freaked me out. Here are some of these last letters before I went full no contact. When I look at these letters, it reminds me what I left behind. It keeps my no contact firm.

I realized my sister always, always, always invalidated me just like my mother if not worse. She copied my mother's techniques in dismissing my emotions, for calling me a liar, and ignoring all my feelings and me as a person. She saw me as inferior to her. My mother emphasized our economic differences telling my sister I was a loser for having so little money and not marrying wealthy even though I am far more educated then my sister. The below is a response to my last no contact letter where I confronted both of them with having lipedema and their treatment. Her summation of a three page letter was this little paragraph. Double Click on all the below pictures of text to enlarge.

Her refusal to face the truth, about the lies, the refused visits, the cutting me off from my nieces and nephews and things that are proven is summed up in her "talk to the hand" dismissal..."Many false accusations have been said".

While a few attempted nice but empty things are written with strange syntax just like my mother, she is incapable of EMPATHY, incapable of EMOTION and just as COLD. In this second letter, you dismisses more of the NC letter with, "I am not going to do this-you hate me crap". That is one thing I noticed about her just like my mother she would dismiss everything and anything. This was not someone capable of listening.

About a year before my no contact wanting to "wake her up" I sent her links on narcissistic mothers, I told her our relationship had been severely damaged by our mother. Know from my experience with this, this does not work on golden children or flying monkeys, they are under the spell of the narcissist. This was a waste of time. Don't make my mistake. They simply do not care. Intellectually and emotionally they do not want to know.

One thing about my sister is she served as an enforcer for my mother. Everything to my sister, was about someone getting IN LINE with my mother. This applied to all other people. Anyone in a disagreement with my mother was my sister's automatic enemy. She never looked at their side.  My sister was upset at anyone daring to disagree with my mother. Notice the phrase above, "as a decisions to move forward with US." It is weird she writes many prayers come to me. I suppose she is not really praying to God whatsoever.

No matter how cruel my mother was to another person, my sister would always defend her. My mother remained superior while everyone else was inferior. She writes above, "Why now, mom has nothing to do with this". My mother is perfection squared in my sister's eyes. According to my sister, my mother did not abuse me. She has never done anything wrong. My mother is her true "god" as other human beings including her own sister mean nothing. Remember at this point in time, I am totally walking away.

She has no inkling of loss or even trying to save the relationship with me. She simply does not care like my mother and brings up her OWN problems in response. Her coldness and lack of empathy is shown towards her own daughter with the line "Today ****** is throwing up and not feeling well though she will recover". One can tell she is more annoyed by her daughter then actually feeling concern over her health. One thing you will notice about the letters of narcissists is they are kind of like Hitler's artwork. Ever seen Hitler's finely attuned watercolors which while technically good led to him flunking out of art school? Notice something? They lack SOUL.

I saw that in here several times I was around her. I sometimes fear what will become of her children facing a mother like this. She keeps secrets like my mother, that are brought up as needed. What health problems? I had no idea. She could have everything from cancer to a stubbed toe for all I know. Narcissists and their ilk remain strangers.

And here is a letter that had come earlier which I ignored. Both her and mother hated people simply for being my friends. That alone was a giant red flag to flee for the hills. Why wouldn't I distance myself from a family that slammed doors in my face? Here you see the refusing to take responsibility and more. The bullying comments are more projection. Her line about "I made a decision that was best for *********" was her excuse for cutting me off from my nieces and nephews.

One line I got on a PM after my no contact letter sums this all up.

"You Just Have to Ignore the Little Things"

What does that tell a person?

The worse thing about narcissists is they darken other souls. One can feel very helpless as this occurs, I threw her lifelines that were ignored from an early age.  They infect them. My sister got infected. There was nothing more I could do. A stranger sits there, not a sister.


  1. Great post Peep. I too share the same unfortunate beginnings and am also grieving two sisters that I've gone NC with. They made their choices to continue following the scripts that were forced on us at some point we all have freewill. It's creepy to me how they both still follow the script after the MN egg donor died. It actually got worse. I guess the GC actually thought she was the crowned queen who was supposed to rule over grown ass people. I went NC three years ago. Btw I love your blog and art.

  2. Thanks Anon, I appreciate it. This one was a painful one for me to write, but I am at least free of all the new crazy-making being NC. I tried so hard with her and for so many years. I am sorry you are grieving two sisters. I know part of you has to be thinking, "WHY BOTH OF THEM?". I agree everyone has free will and we see the outcome of those who follow the scripts completely. I am sorry to hear nothing changed after your NM died, that shocks me. Yes on all the videos where there are those studying narcissism and talking about it, the idea that one of these types will suddenly wake up and see us standing there and feel remorse and repent is a fanciful dream. Mine sees herself as the queen. It is scary to watch a personality where they think they are PERFECT but it is so empty. I am glad you went NC, I'm 1.5 years in. Thanks for your compliments regarding my blog and art. I'm still working on the comic. :)

  3. Wow. :(

    This may sound strange, but I think your NM is actually better at being a narcissist than a lot of the ones I've come across. There wasn't much triangulation in my family and me and my siblings have always been close allies. There was a whole lot of other narc bs and lying though.

    I'm also thinking of a narc I used to work for a few years ago. The last time I saw her was to pick up some paperwork, a couple of months after I quit the job; as it's normally the safest smalltalk with narcs, I asked her how her GC was doing. She admitted that GC had cut her off and wasn't talking to her! I was so proud of that kid.

    1. My NM is an expert narcissist. Remember I think she is FAR on the spectrum into sociopathy. My sister isn't even as good as her, which means the narc prize probably will go to some other narc in the next generation who will run things. My sister doesn't bother to charm people, and her attempts at triangulation are clumsy. She doesn't have the friends or social backup of my mother. I think in one way because she was taken care of so much she did not develop these skills. I am glad your siblings are close allies and could see through the narc lies. Some videos on narcissism claim the narcs all end up alone when they get old, but I am not seeing it in this case, while her relationships seem shallow to me everyone is so invested in pleasing HER. She has never ended up alone and doesn't know what it is. I am glad a GC broke away that is extraordinarily rare. I know my sister never will. Her whole identity is built on my mother's. I still wonder why I was of so little influence.

  4. Wow! I have 2 sisters. Both were more valued than me. I still have scars from that. Great post!

    1. Two of them, that has to be disappointing. Sorry you were devalued compared to your sisters.

  5. I certainly don't understand your sister. I may have been groomed at an early age as the golden child, but it doesn't take long to discover this status requires loss of all boundaries!

    I mean, I certainly can put on my own clothes, run my own bath, maybe the fixing of food is ok. The golden child, in my case anyway, doesn't make any of the choices of which things are done for her. Everything may be done with her. Also if mother wants to use the bathroom while golden child is taking a bath, the golden child must appreciate this. And this will involve mother taking an inventory of her and golden childs body parts. Golden child better not look away in disgust, or else status is lost.

    Your sister must be the same as your mother. The rest of what you are describing tells me that. I personally don't think that a golden child is groomed, it is who they are. Who can make you over that way? Maybe they can turn me into a crazy person but not a narcissist. JMO

    1. Joan, I am glad you were strong enough to stand against the golden child nonsense, they are abused in a different way. Yes it means giving up boundaries and making "Mommy" your "god". Ugh about a mother coming into the bathroom. My sister had no boundaries with my mother. She never told her "No!". As an adult she has never disagreed or said "No!" either. One thing when I would view my sister as late as 2011, at my mother's house, she seemed afraid of displeasing her, scurrying around. Even into her 40s, the thoughts I could read were "Look Mommy, I am a perfect housewife with perfect children, surely you love me now!" Sigh. The whole family always was in a contest to please that woman and kneel before her. I was hated very young by them for refusing.

      I think they are the same. My sister is less cunning and turns on less charm, but the basic personality structure is exactly the same. There are no emotions, no love, no introspection. When I came out of the "they are just reticient" excuse making and fog, I could see them for what hey were. My sister after I went NC, sent the same dead birthday cards. No discussions or what is wrong? She didn't care when I was very ill either the year before I went NC. I am glad you escaped and did not become a narcissist. I have seen so many won over by my mother. I am it the only one who escaped or has a mind of their own. They probably choose the fellow little narcissist to turn into a Golden Child, in your case you were not one.

  6. "Felt bullied by you". Wow, that kind of sums it up, doesn't it? What a weird mental state these people are in, where they flip/flop the truth so easily, so that YOU are the one to be blamed. YOU are the one who is crazy. It's never about THEM.

    In my family, my brother is the Golden Child, and I'm the scapegoat. I can see how he is being manipulated by our mother, the same way yours did. It is interesting to read of someone with a very similar experience, only with a sister.

    I've only recently decided to go No Contact with my mom. The repurcussions of how the rest of "the family" will treat me remain to be seen. All I know is to stay strong. Reading your blog has helped me to see my own situation more clearly also. Thank you. Kind Regards, Clint

    1. Yeah it is sad. She twisted things just like my mother. Once I asked my mother in a letter why she had so much contempt for me and she turned the statement around. Yes they always make me out to be the bad one.

      I am sorry you have a GC brother to contend with. Glad my blog helped you see your situation more clearly. Be careful with NC, many ACONs including me lost the entire family or almost the entire family. All the best to you. Thanks Clint

  7. Hi Peep,

    I got here following some coment you left on another blog. I am a GC survivor. Never even knew that's what was going on. I mean the technical names for that . In my case, I now realise the narc was dad. He's still alive, but l have gone NC since last August. And sure he doesn't care. Has never called me in the past 3 years. My brother was the scapegoat until his death last year. I think he knew that through him he'll be dealing my mum the ultimate punishment for leaving him after 14 years of terror. I am writing a whole chapter of my next memoir on that. Stories like yours eblighten and strengthen me further. Thanks for sharing

    1. Hi Marie, I am glad you have gone NC, your father not caring says it all. I am sorry about your brother's death and that he went through the pain of being a scapegoat. I am glad to meet a GC who has broken away instead of remaining and being changed by the sick system. I'd like to see your memoir.

  8. Dear Peep,

    I see many similarities between your family and mine. I've been losing family one at a time and just went NC on the last remaining member (GC Sis) last week. You named the thing the thing that disturbed me most about the last sister: She thinks our mother is God. Calls her, "Such a beautiful soul" watched the financial rape of an entire new family who got entangled with the N/P and easily rationalized it away to be the family's fault. It is like living in the Twilight Zone. Red is green and nothing ever makes sense. I don't miss any of them. I am sorry that you also had to live this nightmare. It really is one. I love your blog and plan to spend a lot of time catching up!

    1. Yes I've been losing mine one at time as well. They all defend and take up for the narcs don't they? I think many of the GCs see the NMs or NFs as God, they are in thrall to them. "Such a beautiful soul" gag. My sister operates from the fixed position that my mother is always right about everything. I don't miss any of mine either. I have realized that as I have not talked to any family member outside of emails to that one niece in three months. I'm got more then tired of being invisible. I am sorry you had to go through this too!