Friday, October 31, 2014

The Latest with my Brother

I am realizing more about my brother. He is not only trained by the family system he is just a more covert version of the rest of them. Maybe not so covert as I am analyzing all this. I am keeping very low contact for now but will be reassessing this with time.  Sadly this relationship is on the ebb too. It could easily be no contact one day.

 I will have no family left [never really had one] but I just can't put up with this stuff anymore. I know I can't trust him either as he has played flying monkey and been a source of information to my mother. He would not stick up for me even when it wouldn't cost him a thing. This was always in the back of my mind, but while he can appearing friendlier and charming at times expending efforts my sister does not, the same meanness and issues of poor character apply.

The only reason for any contact is a practical point of getting information. In this case, I saw him as the relative who cared about me to a certain extent but I was wrong. I will view him like an old high school acquaintance on a social website.. I only have contact left with him and distant cousins at this point and cards to nieces and nephews. I have given up on him. I am glad I did not push myself to go on a visit, that I could barely afford health wise or money wise. This would have been a waste of my time. He's been slamming the door in my face just as much as my sister but with a bigger smile on his face.

 I haven't seen him in five years. I have noticed his actions don't match his words. I have noticed while he told me he loved me, he has the same attitude of contempt towards me and is just as mean as the rest.  He is manipulative, when I confronted him with an issue, he suddenly took ill and yelled at me for "not caring" as he had to go to the hospital the night before with chest pain, suggesting he had
a heart attack when it was really an esophageal issue.  I tried to talk to him about some things, and was treated like I was a "bother". I only private message him about once every 8 weeks or so, this is not someone I am talking to everyday. He has a filthy mouth so I've had to erase many f-bombs in the below and make some spelling corrections

Here is some excerpts from our latest conversations. Notice the excuses and contempt.  I know reading this, some will say to me, "He doesn't sound like a very nice person." The scary thing he was one of the "nicer" ones. With the family, I was always pushed away even if I doled out myself very sparsely. This rejection got hard to take.  He blew off my birthday the week we had this exchange too and couldn't even write a social website greeting.

"Wow you need to calm the ***** down. I've been extremely busy this morning. left at 8:45 and just got home. The reason you see me on messenger  {and I told you this **** before is because it is on my ****** phone."

Here I tried to send him an article about narcissism, of course he did not read it. Anything that takes too much intellectual effort is not for them. The willful laziness is beyond annoying. Of course that applied to all of them. Scapegoats will attest to how none of them listen to us.

"Now to your book you wrote last week. One when the ****** have I ever listened to mom on anything? That's always been her problem with me."

Excuses for flat out ignoring private messages over a series of month. His business? Taking 6-8 teens around to sell candy bars out of a van. He sold e-cigarettes for awhile at a flea market but I believe that is on hiatus. I am in shock, he can maintain his lifestyle on both of these seemingly limited ventures.  He does everything his mother tells him to do.

"The only reason I don't talk as much to anyone {Your not the only one I haven't seen any of my friends in months! is because Im so damn busy running a business, taking care of personal stuff and dealing with Dumbass."

"Dumbass" is his exwife who while she is not perfect I feel more and more sorry for. While she had her faults, he did treat her badly. He never defended her as my mother scapegoated and attacked her for years.

Here I am talking about how my mother is manipulating him and that I am going to continue my no contact. He is not happy with that.

" I'm not going to do that though.  You need to put sh*t behind you.  You seem to have an issue with that!"

I responded to him: "I can't forgive and forget when the abuse is ongoing and that it is was the "new" stuff that down the pike to be worried about."

I had an exchange just like this with my sister, one of the last times I talked to her where she wrote to me on private message, "You need to put the small stuff behind you."

Both of my siblings have drank the narc Kool-Aid and gone swimming in it.

He wrote me then: "But  I'm ** years old, have a business, girlfriend two kids and a life. I put all that sh*t behind me."

He is trying to imply I have no life. My childlessness was something they always used to attack me. PCOS doesn't help with fertility.  The wall of iron stays up. None ever listen to me. They never take any of my feelings in consideration. So why bother? I'd rather be alone then around people like this. He isn't a very nice person. Even the craziness I talked about in this article with his ex-wife, shows how they are willing to crush and malign someone.

My mother is busy buttering him up. He flipped in a milli-second. She went to visit him [around 300 miles away] twice in two months. Before he was lucky to have her drive down once every five years.  I know there is a reason for that. It was to ensure me being tossed under the bus. He never said one word to defend me to her. In one PM he even wrote to me, "Mom doesn't know why you did what you did"!

I wrote him back and said, "I sent her a 2 page email", and I told her!" He of course ignored me.

 I also have noticed an extreme pattern of him only calling me up to brag about a new purchase or show something off. Years ago I complained about this to my husband. He got this from my parents where material possessions were the sum total of any person. He is poorer then my sister, mother and my other relatives, and always going into debt to measure up to the rest and exaggerating his achievements.

His girlfriend contacted me and he did too, to brag about moving into a 2600 square foot rental house last week.  She private messaged me pictures of the inside of one rental house and then the one they did end up renting. I didn't ask for any of this information. I know Mommy trained him for this too. My mother has been buttering up the girlfriend too, who I had to go more distant with too as her questions got nosey, and I knew the answers would be going back to my mother. She was friendly and treated me well but sadly, the Queen Spider tosses a web on everyone.  For years, most of my brother's phone calls centered around bragging, I wouldn't hear from him for months but he would call me on the very day, he bought a new wide screen jumbo TV, new computer equipment, a new van, a new car and now a new larger rental house.

Ok so this is our latest conversations, my feelings are ignored, he never stands up for me and then yesterday he writes me saying, "I wrote you down as a reference for a finance company to buy some new furniture, they will be calling you today."

This made me laugh.

Like the person who has refused me even the smallest iota of respect now wants a favor from me?

When they called, I had my husband tell them I was not home.

Today Caller ID will be my friend.

This is something new for me. I was always dive-bombing for their crumbs. Those days are over.


  1. In my family too, material possessions is a measure of a person's worth. When they talked about it I was out of the picture.

    You have given your brother a lot of information about narcissism. I wish someone did that for me too. A lot of us had to come to the realization on our own. When I told my own brother about our mother's narcissism, he asked who's house she burned down, and no he wasn't making a joke. There is no education in our family, only me and I have too many emotional problems to ever hold a job for long.

    I'm not on the computer much, no facebook or anything. My kids are and they notice the triangulation down to them. I keep them informed and they are learning.

    I don't know what to suggest about your brother.

    1. Joan sorry your brother scoffed at you. Mine kind of fooled me listening for awhile, but his actions said otherwise. Sorry you have the materialistic to deal with too and the uneducated. I feel intellectually frustrated with mine. They don't keep up. They have low attention spans. They don't do deep and they find even reading a short article too much trouble. I am glad you are keeping kids informed.

  2. Peep, Help me understand this, OK? You're "keeping low contact" with him because ??? I'm missing something here. You said you don't trust him (trust is the foundation of all relationships), his actions are in direct opposition to his words, he contacts you only when he needs something-like Supply-for his latest "Purchase" or because he's using a *Finance Co.* to under-write his lifestyle accouterments (<that's NOT a good sign at all in terms of financial solvency) and he's a pipe-line to the whole NFamily. You have endeavored repeatedly and in good faith to share your Reality and hard won Knowledge re: MNs/MNFamily Systems with him only to have it minimally ignored and typically used as evidence to be shoved back in your face and against you: Hmmm, where have you experienced *THAT* tactic before?!
    Yk, I also believed my Nsis was a victim of my MN "mother" because she WAS, Peep. She was a child at one time too. And despite the reality I was 99.9% certain of her Character, when all the principles were dead I contacted her. I had done a "Two-Fer" when I NC'd MN "Mother:" I wasn't about to hand Nsis THAT much Power in my life by keeping her around. I learned the hard way repeatedly she did not handle power well at all, much like any petty despot. OTOH, I gave her a HUGE Club to beat on our MN "Mother:" All's Nsis had to do was threaten to NC her as I had and voila, the $$$ was forthcoming. Like your Nbro, she could be purchased-like any whore. She also worshipped at the Alter of Material "Looka MEEE!" that supposedly covers their nekkid selves. You can't make them realize their delusional fig leaf is just that. I spent an "interesting" afternoon ducking Nsis's swung-wildly-to-garner-my-attention Louis Vuitton handbag the size of a large pet carrier and guaranteed to knock me off my feet if it made contact any where with my body. Of course it had the "LV" logo all over it-and the unmistakable stench of bought-off-the-Manhattan-sidewalk imitation. (She's just not that slick, Peep.)
    What I learned: She had become her abuser-this was her adaptation to the Terror, Powerlessness and Rejection by our MN "Mother." So I slayed that (non-) dragon with no reservations left to address ;)

    Peep, "Family" is NOT DNA. Family are the people who LOVE you, who protect you, who support and encourage you unconditionally. Their love is INCLUSIVE, not Exclusive. It's not a Competition for a scarce or nonexistent "resource." Your "Brother's" Bottom Line/TRUE "Finance Company" is your MN "Mother."
    Please search your head and your heart for your own "Bottom Line," Peep. Otherwise, how will you know when he's breeched it? Lead with that smart, very capable head of yours, not your heart: The former will protect you, the later will enable him to continue to proxy abuse you and ensure the entire "Family" is kept up to date on their preferred "meal"-YOU.
    One of the humongous MN Fallicies I had to confront in my wiring (thinking) was the reality the person who knew me the LEAST (MN "Mother"-and later, her mini-Me Nsis) had defined me from my earliest memories/experiences: She told me who I was, what I thought, what I felt, what my motivations were etc. She never had a clue who or what I was about-and apparently it never occurred to either of them to ASK, so sure were they of their appraisal! This was well beyond a massive Failure to Communicate. Interestingly, I never had these kinds of problems with ANYONE else except for them. No wonder I was so totally flummoxed by their words/behaviors towards me and thought they were bat-sh** nuts from the time I was a little kid because, well, they WERE! :)

    1. Trust me this one is hard. I am having a harder time letting go of him then the others. Because we were closer as children? I am not sure. Lately I am kind of reeling about how everyone is in her net, and against me. When I went NC I had to go NC, with so many people. He kind of fooled me a bit, admitting a few things, "yes she doesn't treat you right", yes I would agree she has elements of narcissistic personality disorder, yes our sister doesn't even talk to me". I thought I was getting through to him, and well time and distance had affected the relationship adversely, but sadly here too I was betrayed. He wouldn't stand up for me even a little bit or defend me. He told me "oh I told her it was wrong to blow you off" but how do I know....he still kissed her butt like all the rest and threw me under the bus. One big thing for me is it has been 5 years since we have seen each other, and I have noticed this does not bother him at all. His remaining silent when she said, "I don't know why Five Hundreed Pound Peep left" was total cowardice. You are right I endeavored repeatedly to get my story across and I even told him some things he didn't know about well, probably only to get it all used behind the scenes. He doesn't live near her but like Aunt Confused is totally controlled by her and it is the money.
      Thanks for warning me about what happened with your sister. I wonder if some other ACONs fall into that trap of when the principle narc dies, they think they can go reclaim a relationship that was lost earlier. I know my sister has become my mother, same as you realize. Maybe my brother has followed in the same narc footsteps. Maybe his easier charm and a few statements of love fooled me a bit. I knew there were traits there, but the actions, the betrayal, the silence, the constant bragging [just like they did to me, with my father bragging about a 6,000 dollar vacation to Disneyworld as I was about to die of poverty in Chicago] all matches way too much.


    2. Even the DNA here is dubious, but it has hurt realizing I am not loved by any of them and how she managed to take the ENTIRE family away but I should have known. whore is a good word. He told me when I first told him I was going NC that I was crazy for leaving the would be inheritance behind, and that I needed to just suck it up like him and let by gones be by gones. He told me they are just who they are, and you need to accept it. Of course I got that message, there was always endless excuses for them while I was treated like dirt. His saying to me, "you need to get over this ***" was simply more invalidation. I agree about who real family is. I am realizing these people are strangers even him. I haven't seen him in person in FIVE years. A real brother especially with a sister who has as severe health problems as I do would have made an attempt to see me and he has the financial and health means to do so. Of course when he came to our state last year she told him he didnt have time to visit me and he did what she told him. There definitely is no inclusiveness here. Already I stopped talking to his girlfriend who is otherwise nice, fearing anything I said would get passed on. I knew her and mother didnt see each other much but the web is thrown everywhere, recently on a social website, I could see her joking with her, winning her over too. She never joked with me. Would just make fun of me, or scoff at any jokes. You are right I have to be careful about what would be passed on. By the way I was talking to him about the adoption stuff, and he acted funny even when I told him I had the genetic disease diagnosis. I was a stranger to these people as well. While I am keeping him around thinking of one practical reason....I am asking myself now if it is worth it and seriously considering NC. The relationship is ebbing away anyhow. Someone that knows you have been severely ill in the last 2 years and still didn't show up, well, what's left of it? We are all strangers now anyhow. I don't think your mother ever knew you and yes they almost make caricatures of us. One thing that sickened me with all the relatives is I was unable to break them out of this. NC is being considered but it's in VLC mode at the present. I ignored the finance company calls.

    3. Aiye, this is so hard, isn't it? We absolutely ANGUISH over our MN "Families" and give them opportunity after opportunity to show us they do care about us. sigh.
      Yk, I also got the "Just get over it!" crapola post NC and I'd just shake my head: How do you even respond to that silliness?! Truly, how is NC NOT a very, very *CLEAR INDICATOR* I have indeed *ACCEPTED REALITY*??? I'm NOT FIGHTING WHAT IS any longer!!! I have laid down my sword, conceded the field, walked away and while you all are off being "Right," I'll be off living my life. How stoopid can ya get?! That "field" is full of rocks and weeds-nothing will ever grow or flourish there. It will remain a Superfund Clean-Up Site without any realistic hope of receiving funding into the indefinite future. Since it's so toxic, it's not desirable or salable and you're stuck with paying outrageous "taxes" on a useless field. It's really not that complicated.
      Of course the real issue here isn't my NC so much as it is HOW it effects others in terms of their relationship with the primary MN. Not my problem. I've solved mine. I've accepted what is and that's all there is and too bad if other's are now afraid they'll become the Scapegoat of Opportunity in view of my very clear resignation of that position. No, I will NOT be around to take care of some aging old nasty woman who gave birth to me. No, I'm not for sale at any price to anyone. No, I can't hear you, see you or otherwise be impacted by your choices and dynamics because I'm totally NC with all of you AND the minions so no nastiness ever reaches my ears never mind my nice, peaceful life. I'm no longer being transgressed against and new wounds being opened, old one's being probed because I'M NOT AROUND anymore TO be injured. And because of this NC and inherent Acceptance, I am no longer among the Walking Wounded: Let the debridement of time and distance work it's magic and the healthy, new tissue grow in place of the diseased/necrotic parts of my very being and my life.
      See how that works? ;)
      And there wasn't even an internet then-we had barely invented the wheel! :)

      As far as I'm concerned the rest of 'em can continue to behave as a pack of rabid dogs and injure/devour one another but I'll never know about it or think about it very often if at all because I'm gone living my life-and it's GOOD! Excellent in fact! I had no clue Life really isn't a Life Sentence: No one told me! Heh. Who knew?!

      Ahh, Peep. I promise, you get through this? It really and truly gets better and better. If for no other reason than it couldn't get worse, yk? I don't make promises lightly any more than I give my word lightly. And it's your inherent goodness and decency and very humanity and love that's being used against you. How can such wonderful human qualities be so bent to evil ends? To cannibalizing the very being that possesses them in abundance? To cause such pain and suffering? Mon Dieu, "perversion" doesn't even begin to cover it...

    4. Yes it is hard. I know we ANGUISH over these people. I found myself thinking they definitely aren't over me. One thing I realize they always disappoint. At least now being NC with the majority of them, I ended my going to the empty well crap, that only hurt me over and over. Self-care means staying away from those who hurt you. I think the "just get over it" message of his is sickening too. He knows what I have faced medically and otherwise. Also too, I shared with him, abuses and more, he did not know about, some he had witnessed. Yes how is NC not basically announcing that one is done, and trying to "get over it" while fleeing? I have heard it from all of them and to some of them I responded, it is not the old stuff but what keeps happening and their response was just silence or excuses. The main prerogative of all of them is to get me back in the line up back in my scapegoat role.

      LOL about the field. We all escape the bombed out crater. As I went NC, I thought, this is USELESS, time to give up! There is nothing that will fix this. Isn't this the conclusion many of us ACONs come to? We lay down our weapons and walk away sick of tilting at windmills. My brother is afraid I think of being the next scapegoat. She's buttering him up now to isolate me and sever the relationship--it's pretty much being destroyed due to his cowardice and choosing of her and her money over his own sister, but he will be the new scapegoat with me gone. Mini-Me and Queen Spider destroyed his reputation to the family as well, he is ostracized by many members. I told him why but he didn't want to deal with it.

      Nope I'm not around either. I won't be taking care of her, she didn't take care of me and avoided and betrayed me when I was sick and in need. She can be taken care of by her Mini-Me who has no love for anyone. I suppose it will be the repeat of my N grandmother being cared for by my mother, where my mother in resentment even with endless care resources and hospice nurses, said, "She's taking too long to die".

      I am glad you are away from them all. I don't want any new wounds opened which means I'm already avoiding him. I need to protect myself. I want whatever time I have left on this earth too, to be surrounded by loving people and people who want and desire my love and care as well. Not these cold people. Yes let them have at each other. I am so glad life has improved for you and gotten good. I know I have immense challenges like staying alive is one of them and staying off the streets is big #2 but I have had some lightness of heart that has entered into the mix since departing. My relationship with God has deepened and I feel the possibilities of what could be. I enjoy many times with my husband and friends and new church. Even the money stuff doesn't upset me as much as it used to because no matter what happens I don't have their jeering and condemning faces to put up with anymore. Thanks so much for saying it will get better. :) I agree with you about how they use goodness, love and decency against someone. I am realizing there are good people out there who desire those things in people and don't work to actively destroy them. You are right it is perverted. I want to go where happiness and good people are which means away from these people!

      Thanks for your kind words :)

  3. I did confront him too, on his bad behavior but like the rest of them it didn't make a difference.

  4. If logic could ever override our emotions, I think we will obtain true happiness. For now, your brother feels he needs to buy enough things in order to be enough in this world, is exactly what his mother taught him. She did not want him to be a strong man in his own right. I have a grown son, and I would rather he tell me right off than do what he is told by me. I want him to have a mind of his own.

    You have helped him out, giving him information that makes sense to him. He agrees with you but chooses to do otherwise. Most of us had to find our own way.

    I don't know what more you can do.

    1. I know I have to always look to logic, even to do my NC took logic and shutting down the emotions they were able to manipulate so easily. Like making a decision and ignoring decisions. My brother needs money constantly from my mother. None of us were raised to succeed, my sister only made it marrying a man who made money but never has made more then 6 bucks an hour herself, my brother has scrambled along himself. If he didn't always try to measure up, he probably be a bit less stressed out. It is kind of sick watching him do her bidding. He really does not have a mind of his own. He claims to, but when push comes to shove he always does what they tell him. I told him what I could, there really is nothing more I can say so I agree with your last line.

  5. It's always about absolute control with the NPD. They despise those who have an inner joy, strength and individuality. As my one brother who has gone NC 9 yrs ago says, "take it as a compliment when they go after you."

    I want to give you a big hug Peep as I can relate so much to your pain and confusion as to losing your whole family of origin just b/c you went NC with the principal N, namely mom and her predessesor, your sister. Oh how I can relate with you and others here. Their collective silence confirms NPD control. I'm dealing with the same thing too. One sister-in-law told me two years ago that they never talk about me, my husband and precious children, my brother and his family. She said it's like we don't exist.

    My husband received an email from a cousin, whom I was once closed to. He sent him a linkedin email. Funny...I have an account too so he could have just sent me an email directly? But this whole exchanged gave me insight into this cousin's motivations. In the email, he gushed at how much he missed me to my husband.m and wrote that I needed to see and hear some things, which had peaked my interest. He wanted me to call him. I decided to email him two weeks later something short and sweet: "In your email to my husband you wrote that I needed to hear and see some things. Can you elaborate please. Thanks." Now it's 6 weeks later - no response. I believe it was a test to see if my husband would share his email., and the call request was so he can record my call to share with my mother and family. My email posing a simple question "Can you elaborate?" using his own words from his original email went unanswered. To read his email you would think he would jump at the opportunity to communicate with me.

    I lost nearly everyone from my big family. If my daughter went NC with me, and was alone out in the world with just her husband and children, I would hope to God my response would be, "Please reach out to my daughter; be kind, be loving." But Peep, we get the antithesis; we get silence; we get insensitive comments like "you gotta put sh*t behind you"; we get ignored; we get slandered; we have our right to speak the truth denied over and over again.

  6. NMom had targeted an ex-sister-in-law too. My word, the fights she (and enabling) father had with my brother was insane. It started when they began to date in 1986. I was 12 then. She would have her nieces bring their friends to family parties and introduce them to my brother, who was very good looking by the way, right in front of his girlfriend, later his first wife. She would end up in the fetal position in her car while the party was going on in my parents' house. I'm sure she was humiliated and felt totally I welcomed. Later, when they married, my mom continued her opposition but it was now passive-aggressive. When my father retired, they moved to another state where all us kids ended due to the university we went to, and my brother and then sister-in-law began plans to move 30 minutes into the country, in the deep woods. My sister-in-law saw our NMom and sister for who they were and never mirrored back my mother's or sister's persona/image back to them. She called them out and spoke up and that meant they had to win at all cost. Ten years later they divorced. Now my brother is someone who is similar in nature to our NMom and sister; cold, history of lying (per his email). I never hear from him at all. I can recall my first sister-in-law saying that my mom is very manipulative (1997) in a private conversation and my eyes were just not open fact, I defended my mother from her comment. Totally brainwashed even with reality smacking me in the face. I miss that sister-in-law b/c even though she was flawed, she was equally real. She loved my brother too.


    1. Sorry you lost your SIL, anon, I bet she would have been a good family member to you too.

      My SIL now ex SIL was a major scapegoat of my mother attacked to the max, and you were right if they don't do it direct, mine did, they do it passive aggressive.

      I believe my mother had a great deal to do with the ending of my brother's marriage. My brother and NM were even tag-teaming on the ex wife acouple months ago. Of course I feel wary of contacting her, my mother made sure to poison her against me too years ago, this was another friendship destroyed by my mother. That is sick she brought other girls around your brother and yes your SIL was deeply hurt laying in fetal position and more. I am glad she saw what they were, and didn't get drawn into their web. Too bad your brother just enabled the narcs. I noticed my brother never stood up for his wife against my NM, his wife should have come first, and well, I believe it is one major component of why the marriage crumbled. I wish I had stood up for her more, they both treated her rotten. I maybe could have contact with nephews via her, if I am NC with brother, but sadly even she has been prone to manipulation via my mother and others. I am glad your first SIL realized how manipulative your mother was and warned you. I was in my first NC while friends with my ex-SIL, but warning her about my parents then. I regret defending my mother when my exSIL lost it at a family gathering. I am sure my mother had stabbed her in the back somehow. That is the brainwashing how they get the whole family systems on their side. Mine was flawed too. I worry about her now though, I think she is still trying to "get back" and while her and my brother share kids, she should have moved on to find another boyfriend or husband. My NM of course does that creepy thing of staying friends with the ex-spouses and even boyfriends and girlfriends. My mother never dared to butt into my marriage. Maybe she knows the bond is too close to even bother. I even warned husband she could write letters telling lies about me when I went NC.

  7. Yes the NPDs always want total control. I agree that they hate those with inner joy, strength or who are individuals. That sums it up doesn't it. LOL about what your brother said.

    Thanks for your hug anon. This is hard. I have lost the whole family. A few cousins will be all that is left the way that is going and they are nearly strangers too. I find myself reeling. I was watching Doc Martin tonight and they showed his parents as awful characters and I turned to my husband and said, even he has an Aunt Joan, how did I end up without even one ally? How did she get this much control to turn everyone against me. It's not just the people who need her money either, but even the ones who have money too. So yes it has been painful and it's been a lot of grief. Also facing the fact they did treat me very rotten and with disdain and this sickening put down and dismissive tone in everything they say to me where none of them listen to me, is wearing. I knew this was happening before but now I am FACING IT, if that makes sense. Sorry you faced these things too. I know I am being blotted out. My brother told me on one visit she just said that one thing about not knowing why I did what I did but I wasn't brought up. She didn't tell the rest of the family I even had cut her off. It was like nothing had happened. I bet she hasn't even told her husband anything, maybe making excuses why I've been gone. This woman sucks in every way possible you can think of.

    Yeah sounds like your cousin was sent out to get information. It is creepy how they do this. Some will start asking noisy questions. I dealt with this, with brother's girlfriend who was asking me weird stuff she never was interested in before. Yes he would have wrote you back otherwise. I had rude ones who simply ignored emails. Even when I was in contact, some just would ignore emails, and write phony apologies if I did protest.

    Yes they still treat people like crap who go NC. No one ever seeks to find out what is wrong, they know. They don't say treat her loving. In my case, she never bothered even to FAKE being nice to get me back in line. I have lost basically everyone too. Even the ones I talk to, are distant strangers. Nothing I say means anything to them and my mother set this all up into motion.

    Yes instead we get silence, more nastiness, secretiveness--I have that whole adoption thing going on, more lies, and more "get over it" when to be frank their nasty words and refusal to listen or even validate one thing we said made it far harder to "get over" anything. Even my sister saying, get over the "small" stuff, showed the deep invalidation.

    I am not sure even how to put this into words, this feeling of utter disgust and the realization of how they all talk to me, with no love, no respect, just disdain, mere tolerance, or not even that for someone they will see as forever the scapegoat. I just do not want to even be around them anymore. Why bother? I guess now I know why I felt so bad all those years and on all those visits trying to communicate with these ingrates. I agree we have the right to speak our truth, we were denied it so long.

  8. Do you know what these NPD enablers and flying monkeys are like? Do you recall the 1983 Twilight Zone movie with John Lithcow (sp?), the story of the young boy who can make anything he thinks, for good or for evil, a reality, and how his family acted around him? One sister, whom I would venture to guess was the family scapegoat/ACON, was found sitting in front of the TV watching nothing but old black and white cartoons and as the camera panned closer, we saw she had no mouth, no lips, no tongue, no teeth, just skin where her mouth should be. She was the one who spoke the truth, who confronted crazy and was doomed for it. How is that any different from you, me and fellow ACONS? We have been silenced. We have no voice, no validation, no support.

    The adults surrounding the little boy lived to please him or suffer the same fate as the girl in the upstairs bedroom. They constantly mirrored him, agreeing with his every whim or desire. The "normal" lady who had the misfortune of her car breaking down in front of his house, which he made into a reality, takes him home with her in the end of the movie. Just like a N/sociopath, the boy got the "normal" lady to feel pity for him....sound familiar?

    The boy also displayed an almost psychic ability, which I do think on some level our own N's have the strong ability to read people - what makes them tick? They study us like natural predators do. This is always on. They are always studying and observing you, gathering intelligence. A day out with you, to them, is like going on a field trip. One of the last things I said to my NMom was this: "I've never once had a sincere conversation with you, have I? There was never a vulnerable much withholding, which sometimes means lying, which you discussed in your blog so well.

    Lastly and ironically, I watched an IMAX movie on sharks today at NYC's Museum of Natural History. It was pertaining to the great white. In one part, it was about how to interact with the great white while the marine biologists tried to tag them with a GPS locator for research purposes. The narrator said you must look them in the eye, do not make sudden movements or act scared in any way, that the shark will observe you, trying to figure out what you are, prey or predator. The shark not knowing who those two men were kept the men safe as it swam 2 feet away from them. Can not this same logic apply to us?

    1. Wow on that movie. Maybe I should find a video of it and post it here. I think I saw that movie years ago, and remember being creeped out. Maybe an ACON survivor made that segment and was trying to convey a message. Yes she was silenced and doomed. This is one concept I am exploring with myself psychologically this whole idea of how silenced I was and remain. In the world I am not silenced, many people do read my writing though I make no money off it. LOL but with the family yes, it is like having our mouths erased isn't it. I remember trying so hard to be heard. I was a fighter, so wonder she hated me. She simply wanted ill health and poverty to destroy me. I believe God will give me my voice, He may do so even on this earth, it is something I pray for. I'm done being silent for them. I got thousands of page views for their multiple sins on line, and guess what I don't feel one iota of guilt. [Their names aren't attached but trust me if they ever saw this place, they would flip out]

      Yes the adults all pleased the boy and did his bidding. Oh this is one thing I hated even being VLC, this idea that I had to keep her pleased at all times. Sickening. Going NC was reclaiming my dignity too before I died. LOL about the "normal" lady, yes many of them are massively manipulated. If the ACON girl ran downstairs, to get help we can guess who'd the normal lady would choose.

      I think the narcs do study us. I think I pissed off my NM a lot because I was not like normal people being an Aspie and had a higher IQ. I figured out by 5 she was not like other mothers and was one big fake. Sadly though I had way too many vulnerabilities as a prey animal. Life for me was a constant fight, and having to swim away from the sharks.

      It is funny you mention sharks, because I called her and other narcs sharks in my last NC letter.

      Yes mine is gathering intelligence but I suppose the problem is, now I am on to her. I won't ever say I'm a few steps ahead because the evil don't have the same restraints me and you have on our behavior and decisions. They use the flying monkeys like spies. I hope to think mine will forget about me. She will feel relief she no longer has to be embarrassed by having a huge daughter and maybe this will keep her away. However a part of me knows the shark doesn't like the prey getting away.

      I know I never had a sincere conversation either with my NM. I told her in one of the last letters, this has never been a real mother daughter relationship ever. Oh well I told her a few years ago in a letter she was a narc anymore. One ironic thing I wrote in my last NC letter too, is "Do you think I will be afraid of some mean narcissistic woman when I almost got shot by gang members?" They feed off fear. When I was LC, I had to restrain all soft emotions and had to learn to keep fear under the vest at all times, even when I had severe breathing problems which is why we automatically left her house when I got sick. So I think I followed the advice of that narrator, guess it worn me out always having to be hypervigilant like that and a statue with repressed emotions. Yeah never show any vulnerability or fear to a narc, they will have fun and go to town.

    2. Here's the link to that Twilight Zone scene of the sister with no mouth.

    3. Wow creepy. I wonder what all the Panda bears represent, she is watching a cartoon 'bear" run through rotating doors with spikes on the TV which sums up scapegoat treatment.

  9. The "normal" lady only saw the back of the girl with no mouth. The boy was giving a tour of his house, and opened the door briefly so the lady only saw the back of her head and the old black and white cartoons, which are creepy in itself. The audience were the only ones who saw the horrible truth that she had no mouth, probably forced against her will to watch those cartoons, what a living nightmare!

    The narc boy's enablers were always jumpy and patronizing. In fact, the teen girl steals the normal lady's cigarette when she goes upstairs for a tour with the boy. But stamps it out and someone sprays deodorizer before he comes downstairs. Not once, did any of his relatives try to help the no mouth girl upstairs. It's an adapted mentality they acquire just being in close proximity to the N. It really becomes "if it's not happening to me, then who cares" mentality. I truly believe there is a mix. Some are completely clueless and brainwashed and defends N from their perspective. Some are aware but don't want to be the target themselves so they ignore abuses of scapegoat and have as long as it's not happening to me or mine mentality. And some actively join in with N and abuse us by proxy b/c it makes them feel better about themselves via projection. Like Aunt Scapegoat, the abused stay and are forever warped b/c of it, probably hoping for another scapegoat to enter the picture to get some relief from the abuse (Stockholm syndrome).

    Now that I'm 40, I am good at recognizing N's. They are everywhere by the way. As soon as I recognize one, as house of mirrors blog says "go into robot mode." Be still, calm, and don't show emotions or fear kind of the advice today from the IMAX shark movie.

    Peep, I love your blog and musings. You are bang on in your observations. You have been blotted out by your family b/c you are better than them. You don't mirror their moral insanity. You have not been compromised as the others, or easily controlled. I believe too that your weight is due to a medical issues, and that your parents grossly neglected your health from the time you were very young. A normal family loves and supports their own, and would have taken you to every doctor especially ones who have money like your parents. Normal parents would move heaven and earth for their children.

    You have such a vast network of inner resources such as your artwork, prolific writing and reading, your inquisitive nature of all things, the love of your husband and friends, knowing how much God loves you. You matter very much.

    I think the secret to life is living the opposite of our instincts. Christ says those who loves their life will lose it, and those who loses his life for My sake will find it. Narrow is the way, broad is the way of destruction (our instinct/ego). The Bible is filled with riddles and wisdom. Proverbs speaks about the behavior of N's and what is the response of a fool and the wise. You can't be around these people and not be affected on some level.

    1. Yeah that cartoon was creepy, I may try and find it in it's long form. Notice the teen girl is isolated and alone in a darkened room. I agree none would help the scapegoat and all bow to the N. I think those who spend their lives kissing N butt, lose moral agency and enter into a closed down sort of life. One thing I noticed about my family is few care about anything. They are dead inside and have no energy or passion about anything except maybe money and screwing people over.

      I think there are those who are clueless, kind of the outsiders to the mix, this would apply to some cousins, and those who are part of the system and those who enjoy joining in the abuse too. The fearful and controlled are just as abusive in their sychophancy to the top narcs like Aunt Confused. In my family there are multiple narcs and sociopaths too, and while on rare occasion they war with each other, most of the time they team up against the scapegoats.

      Aunt Scapegoat always threw me under the bus. I remember trying to win her as an ally but my "rebellion" made her angrier and angrier. Even as the Narcs totally disrespected her to her face and in front of everyone, she would kiss their butts. She is totally owned by her abusers now. She never really even left home and the dominance passed from my narc grandmother to her sister [my NM]. She definitely was warped. The last time I was around her, I felt utter darkness she was so depressed but she never even attempted to escape her cage. I remember telling her once, disabled people can get apartments, but that flew over her head.

      I am good at recognizing narcs too. I avoid them like the plague even online. I agree with the go in robot mode as you clear out of the room.

      Thanks for saying you love my blog and it's observations. I appreciate it. :). It helped me reading your comment about how I am better then them. I believe I am too. Most of them are hellbound and they live in moral insanity and have chosen coldness and evil. I have refused the compromise and control and trust me my NM is excellent at using what she knows will control people.

      Thanks regarding the weight too, I know their gross neglect and more affected my health and future well-being, even the autistic challenges made life much more difficult in being able to take care of myself and more. They moved heaven and earth for my sister and did nothing for me.

      Thanks too for your comments about my vast inner resources. These are the things that keep me going, husband, friends, art work writing and of course first of all my relationship with God.

      You are right we have to live the opposite of our instincts. To even go and stay NC, I had to put emotion on the shelf and follow biblical truth of departing from the wicked, and yes the scriptures about those who love their lives will lose it and those who lose their life for Christ's sake does apply. My emotions actually shouted go back go back via the narc training and abuse. I ignored them for months and now they have ebbed away as I have grown in strength. I knew as a Christian, God's commands were to depart from the wicked. I pray to God to protect me and more being away from them. You are right Proverbs warns about their behavior. 1 Cor 15:33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.

  10. Google or Bing the term Identification with the Aggressor. This is exactly what your brother is doing.

    1. Interesting, I don't doubt it. Maybe he is afraid of becoming the next scapegoat since I am gone, and buttering up the Queen to make sure it does not happen. It's still wrong. She and the Mini-Me had absolutely no respect for him and constantly insulted him behind the scenes. I told him this, but it didn't matter.

  11. I just witnessed my own reaction to something that is related to this.

    My husband just bought a new riding lawn mower and on a visit to his parents house he told them. I just wanted him to keep it a secret, I don't know why. When he told them what he bought, his mother turned to me and said, "My, look how rich he is getting". Massive panic and I was a mess. I went on to explain how much this was a necessity, that the lawn is huge and we can't continue with the push mower, the yard is all grass now, etc, etc, etc, I was emotional and everyone could see it.

    His family is starting to get used to my weirdness.

    All she did was make a little joke and I felt blasted.

    I was conditioned to be a scapegoat. Maybe what your brother is feeling is that by having nice things that it will protect him somehow. I'm not sure what I'm getting at here, hope it makes sense.

    1. Hey they put the scapegoats in that place of defending everything they do and with other people we can appear too "defensive" and too "sensitive. I actually had to train myself never to explain and never to defend to the critical, to over come that part of the scapegoat training but have done what you did before too.

      Sure he wants protection, he knows those who are poor and down and out are horribly judged, this is why he goes deep into debt to get furniture he really can't afford to impress his mother on her next visit. She may have some critical words for thrift or used furniture.

      The over-explaining I believe is a defense mechanism formed against the constant criticism. I wish I could go back in time be me again, shrug put hands up and say "So what?" Let them shout and yell and walk away. They love putting people on the defensive. A great part of the freedom I enjoy being NC is no longer having to explain or defend myself anymore. My wicked family put a severely physically disabled Aspie in the position of defending herself as to why she wasn't middle class or upper middle and was poor. That's sick. I was fortunate to even pay my own rent and be married.

      Yeah my brother is trying to protect himself, problem is, he is wasting his time. Maybe he will see this blog one day, they made fun of him for being poor and not having money, constantly behind the scenes. Every time he got a dollar from Mommy Dearest, she told everyone what scum and a loser he was each and every time and got the Mini-Me to join in. I knew every time he had to borrow or get any money from my mother because of this even though I told Mini-Me I didn't want to hear it and not everyone chose the right bar stool to marry a man that makes 6 figures or had a marriage arranged by their parents. He has made his choice though to stay within their trap, living his life trying to please someone he will never be good enough or rich enough for. It is not a happy place to be. I had/have to overcome my feelings of "if only I was rich, she would have loved me!". So sick. These narcs warp everyone around them.

  12. For one thing, Peep, my sister is much like your brother;I have not seen her in at least 10 yrs.The Narcissist parents make many of their kids like them. It is a sick,"abusers-victim"family.Expecting the other family members to act,or be, normal, is futile. They had the same parents, & family, they are sick too.They either keep far away from you on purpose, or they only call up to brag.--because they need to feel superior to you. People who DO FEEL secure, don't brag about their "stuff" to everyone. But, yes, it's a WHOLE-FAMILY disease, often relatives too. That's why you can't get a healthy friendship with ANY of them. My sister hates her whole family, won't communicate with them. I still have to have a "telephone-relationship" with my sister, only because we are both bound by "family-business & money", so diplomacy is necessary. She does not want me to visit her.Now I don't really want to, either. (She says she MIGHT drive to my state, to see me, for a week, I'll believe it when I see it--probably cause her life-partner just died. And, we're old. She misses HER, really, not me.

    I would even try a "12-Step-Program-formula" to handle a Narcissist family. One, the family & relations are out of your control. Accept that. Try to get into "Acceptance" .that your family ARE F---- UP, IT WON'T CHANGE. nope. You cannot change them, or MAKE THEM be normal. And, you have to find relationships elsewhere. They are like alcohol, you have to (usually) give them up.Yes, it hurts and feels empty. You never had that "nice family support". You'll never get it from them.Acceptance of these things is like accepting you had a harmful addiction. ---worse, really. And, like this "12-step-meeting" here, you might have to keep working on the problem, that your only family, are narcissists, you can't change them--possibly never go back to them. You have to go ahead and keep living your life, but this stuff , the family, won't change for the better. (like alcohol.)

    1. Sorry you have a sister like my brother. I have GC Nsis too. Yes the narcissists turn many of the kids into fellow narcissists. They don't care about anything like the narc parents. Yes expecting them to change is a waste of time. They became at one with the Borg. I agree they are sick too. Yes with my brother I had him keep distant on purpose or only call when he had a major purchase to brag about, and yes he does think he is superior over me. I still remember the day where he told me, "Well Mom may not care as much about you because you never had any kids" like this was okay. He definitely is insecure, wanting to show off to the world all the time. Look at me! Yes I agree it's a WHOLE FAMILY disease, they all have the same outlooks.

      10 years is a long time sorry everything is one way and she never will come visit, that is so wrong. I know it has to be difficult keeping business calls going being rejected by her at the same time but I would not expect anything else from her.

      I think that is a good idea, a 12 Step program, knowing they will always be what they are. There's no winning with them. One has to let go. No more being abused. I never did have "nice family support" even when I got little bit of help I did get, there was a pound of flesh extracted.