Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Losing a Sibling to Triangulation

This definitely has impacted my life. One thing that occurred to me as my mother was busy destroying my relationship with my brother, is that my brother and sister do not talk to each other at all and haven't for years! He told me this recently, how she has never called him in YEARS.  It is horrible to the point that my sister does not even send birthday cards to my brother's kids. I think they know they have an aunt but she has absolutely NOTHING to do with them. She has never visited his house or children EVER outside of a joint family gathering with my mother and it was rare that both of their families in one visit would show up. She has not seen him since 2009.

He is right about what happens to the scapegoat and the machinations of what is done. Before I found the ACON community online, there is no way I would have expected to find others explaining factors of my life. This video NAILS what happened to my relationship with my siblings. Education is power and this is the sort of thing where you can get a big picture.

He is right about the deep control of one's siblings and how the development of no contact will happen with siblings. I am no contact with my narcissist sister. He is right about how you want to share and try to speak to the siblings, "lets talk about this" but the "narcissist has done their job so well it is impossible." He is right about "No matter how hard you try to explain", it goes nowhere.

I tried to explain and get them to talk them. I did seek to directly educate mine about narcissism, using articles, direct conversation about it and more, and I got silence back too. What is scary is my brother admitted she could be a narcissist he wouldn't go as far as a sociopath, but then told me, "but she still loves me and my kids!" They simply did not care. The man who made the video warns us to be mentally prepared for this. It is difficult. He is right, the more you try to explain, the more you stay in the cycle. "it is almost impossible, the narcissist has done their job so well".... I'm done trying to explain or defend myself. I did it til I turned blue in the face.

He is correct that the narcissist focuses on separating siblings for years, so they do not compare stories. I even had a time with my brother where we were comparing stories, but she made sure to nip that in the bud with her lies. This is a good video basically summing up what I have gone through with both siblings. The best line is we have to take our energy back into ourselves and to take care of ourselves and how trying to focus on "winning back the siblings" feeds the narcissists supply. Often the siblings themselves are turned into narcissists. I know my sister definitely is and my brother has strong traits. I know mine knew she could hurt me via my brother to drag me back into the cycle. The acceptance is hard to come to. He is right there is no way to convince the sibling, they are trained and they are still in the narcissistic fog and chained spiritually and mentally. I am glad I saw this today, it helped me quite a bit. I know acceptance and moving on is my path to freedom.


  1. I used to think it was weird I never had any contact with my siblings and it was rather embarrassing if I told this to anyone. Not that we couldn't or that we fight anymore (we don't) we just never stay in contact. I used to think this was weird, then I found out online it happened to others and it it was due to triangulation.

    Years ago, while my oldest brother was still living he gave 50$ to my other brother to make a road trip for a visit. The gas would cost that much and it was hard to make a visit while his company was on strike (no income he was broke). My oldest brother gave him the money to visit and mom threw a fit, saying brother wouldn't visit if he wasn't paid. She threw a fit about it for days. At that time I was a teenager, oldest brother was staying with us and other brother was out of town.

    Oldest brother still gave him the money. Now I'm a mom, and something like that would be very loving, and I would pitch in some money too.

    Years later both my brother's stopped talking to eachother cause it was too hard I guess. When oldest brother died my other brother couldn't even attend the funeral because his MN wife "couldn't stand funerals and wishes not to go so don't go too."

    This is my family. No one here on the outside world can understand this.

  2. Sorry you never had contact either. I know some lose it and never say anything to one another. I don't think my sister ever got in a huge blow-out fight with my brother, she simply didn't care. [in her case there is plenty of money for travel etc.

    I agree it had to happen to triangulation too. Also look at one thing too, don't you think the narcissists are growing in power because families geographically are being broken apart? I think this makes things far worse.

    Never seeing anyone in person, [some online relationships can grow very very close but started that way] takes a major toll. I feel sorry for your brother who was broke, wanting help with gas and your mother begrudging that. Mine who had endless money and went all over the country on whims, wasn't even going to try to understand our circumstances, where the 40-60 bucks to get to her house [including fears about the car breaking down and not having enough money for a tow] so I relate.

    Family visits are hard enough on those of normal circumstances but extreme stress on the poor. I missed weddings and funerals and the whole bit simply to not having enough cash. I never imagined that being poor too would take having a family away but that is how it really happens. I live within 60 miles of my mother, and if she was a normal person could have hitched a ride. But that simply was not done. In this way those who are impoverished suffer more from these rotten families and become more distant. I am glad your older brother gave him the money.

    Sorry they did not go to his funeral. I think what happened to your family is happening to mine. Destroyed relationships via a narcissist, and lower income--Gen X did far worse then Baby Boom generation, and too many distances, people basically become strangers to one another. The family ties were already weak to begin with because of the hateful narcissists.

  3. I think the narcissists are growing in power too. I would like God to intervene but its the siblings themselves that are making these choices. Whether they know it or not. It used to be so painful, and weird but now I have understanding and I'm used to it.

    I also feel this is the most insidious thing done by the N parent. The child abuse alone was hard enough, but they don't even let us have eachother. So we don't compare stories? This is horrible.

  4. The bible warns of people waxing cold in the last days. Our breaking up social connections are giving narcissists more power as life becomes too much about "image" and real relationships are broken up. I have asked God to intervene too. You are right the siblings are making these choices. I sometimes am scared about what happened to these relationships, as I loved my siblings very much. It is very painful. Yes we go through the child abuse, not having a mother or father or love and then they work on taking away everyone else and succeed so often. I think of the ACON the silencing part of all this where our stories don't matter to these people is some of the most painful stuff to bear.

  5. I can relate. It is the same thing with my sister. I was so good to her and her kids, but she is so controlled she could never see it.

    1. I've lost them both now. My sister hates my guts, and did not allow me a relationship with nieces and nephews. She refused visits even 18 years ago. I never knew what I did but my mother was there rewarding her for rejecting me. With my brother, he is lost, he is too controlled. I think my mother bought the furniture and the only reason he called me was to show it off at her behest.

    2. Sorry this happened to you too. These narcs destroy endless relationships!