Saturday, March 3, 2012
Dropping out, Modern Life and Me
I want to drop out of modern American life.
How one can do this with a CPAP machine and tethered to a vast array of prescription drugs? Guess it's unlikely to happen but it's something I think about. I'm just barely staying out of the nursing home now.
I realize that modern American life, with it's stress, bad food, toxic environment, lack of social connections, and cultural slop has poisoned my body and nearly poisoned my mind. My body with its cracked up endocrine system, destroyed lungs was an over-taxed canary in the gold mine. Add to that being the only emotional "artist" personality in a family full of stoic personalities who I feel farther and farther away from each year and endless moving via desperation and the stage was set for misery.
God keeps me going, but lately I am asking Him, what do I do with my life? I feel like I am all chained up and I want to be free. Being fat in itself is enough of a prison. The size acceptance types will tell you to love your prison just like Orwell was told to love Big Brother. Is anyone else thinking the way, I am?
How about those of us, who dare to say something is wrong here, the fat is a symptom? That all the jacked up cortisol of the never-ending grind, is making our bodies bloat like crazy?
My body is mal-nutritioned despite my best efforts, it is pumping out hormones like mad all over the place, why has it been so hard to get the help I have needed?
They always argued nurturance vs genetics. What if you know something is missing? What if you are tired of struggling in a society that on one side tells you to deny reality or the other side that blames you with every step you take? How about telling them both to take a jump in the lake?
Where can a big fat disabled woman drop out to?
Yes I fantasize about having been born Amish. I explore Intentional Communities and Co-housing links online. I want a place to belong. I want to be a person, where there are people around who care and who I can care about IN PERSON, and actual community with neighbors that speak to one another and everything isn't about the career and success. Perhaps all of this is from being separated from too many people over a lifetime. Perhaps this is realizing the American dream is smoke and mirrors and one's own body reflects what is missing.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life just speaking to people through screens. Blogs serve a purpose, and I plan to continue, but does anyone know what I mean there? Where one's life becomes more virtual then real. I want REAL food, that I do not have to pay a bunch of money for, which is scarily growing more and more inaccessible and less affordable.
If I was 20 again, I would have dropped out. I would have gone elsewhere and looked for a different way of life. There is some choice when it comes to being happy, but it's obvious I already lost the rat race anyhow. Now what do I do with myself? I am middle aged, I refuse to end up forgotten and alone in some nursing home, fat or not.