Sunday, May 8, 2016

Avoiding the Traps ACONs Can Fall Into

One thing is having a lot more mercy on myself for health things and knowing I deserved far better in life. My husband said something to me this week where we were having one of those varied discussions on life and said, "You deserved a lot better." and he was right. I know I deserved a lot better. I have been able to forgive myself for many things others wanted to blame me for that were not my fault. One trap ACONs can fall into is even when we get away, we can still blame ourselves for things the narcissists taught us to. Narcissists never take responsibility for anything but one question we can ask, is why do we blame ourselves in turn for the whole mess?

After I pulled away from the bad health boards, I was thinking about a lot of stuff.  I take more of my own advice and counsel and of my OWN health professionals. Their crazy diets, only would send my blood sugar up. My doctor told me recently I am one of the best diabetic patients he has. These doctors believe me about my eating. I am fortunate for that. They know I am a complex and rare case.

I've stayed alive doing what is best for me, and definitely have pulled myself away for good from diet mongers, fat haters and the rest. They only hurt people with that stuff. It has helped my mental health to steer clear of those boards.  Quit selling me snake oil and bullcrap! I hope they don't hurt other high stage Lipedemics.  This illness is tough enough without people like that in our lives. With the fat stuff, I know they are doing nothing but hurting fat people with their blame and shame games. People with severe health problems have to learn to protect themselves in this world.

Change is now part of my life and I've learned to avoid the advice and lies of detractors and to avoid Fix It Queens, and people who see the disabled as only "charity" projects and someone for them to fix and not accept as a human beings. In the religious world especially, disabled people are in danger. This is not the way God would have it, but wicked people have connected the state of one's physical body to the state of one's soul and worth. Narcissists believe this, and that's another trap for ACONs to avoid. Growing old is natural. Getting sick happens in this world. It is not your fault!

It occurred to me I got to a very dangerous zone allowing people to hurt me over having severe and rare health problems who did not see me as an equal to them.  My upbringing had a lot to do with this.  I was shamed and blamed for a body that laid way outside of "normal". It gave me a dangerous precedent of believing something inherently was WRONG WITH ME and it was MY FAULT. I am now making my way out of this thicket of lies. This lie brought me to severe depression many times. This is a heavy burden being thrown off my back.

 I had some more memories return recently and some things were things I hadn't thought of in years like my father showing off driving us along a dangerous mountain road where us kids screamed in Colorado, afraid we'd be going over a cliff, and another one which was that after I had my weight gain in the late 90s, my mother made sure never to be seen in public with me ever again. There's a reason I never saw the inside of a restaurant or a store after 1994 with my mother in the same room. Even one odd memory came back too, the day she got angry at me for refusing to take little pink laxatives to lose weight, this when I was in the midsized range.  If you go no contact, even years later, things you had not thought of in years will come back to you. Avoid the trap, in thinking this means you are crazy. There's a lot we closed off to just emotionally and mentally survive. I know I didn't want to admit to myself the thing about never being seen in public together.  Some things will come back to you. 

 I'm happier without any of these people in my life. My advice to people is to avoid ANYONE who thinks they must fix you or change you and who does not inherently accept you. That includes relatives too.  This has been a big lesson for me in my recovery process. It has given me more strength of will too and more self-acceptance as well. ACONS often are brainwashed by a narcissistic parent who makes them feel like they have to walk through life pleasing and impressing others just to be given permission to exist, but it is something we can break out of successfully. This is a major trap that ACONS can fall into. Tell yourself, "I can be me and I don't have to work to "win" anyone over."

I was able to walk a distance yesterday I couldn't have done even three years go. I don't know what I weigh right now, but will find out in July when I see the kidney doctor. My husband did pick me up on the way back, but some of my mobility is better. My leg is mostly healed now. We watched a parade it was fun. We discovered this  new taquiera, where I plan to get some salad and soup at next time I eat there, and it's cheap and tasty. This week, there will be a nature center visit.  I'm adding more comic panels to the comic. It's at least 130 pages long. It's going to be a big zine. After the comic is done, I want to do more art work for another "outsider" art show. I did try to start with this other person an autism group, I hope some other Aspies show up. I did at least meet one other local Aspie. I am also getting more involved in local disability groups and next week plan to go to a "Disability Pride" seminar. So during my non-housebound time, I've been able to do a few activities. I concentrate on enjoying the aspects of life I can while I can.

Mother's Day is hard and can trigger but now the good days outnumber the bad ones now by far and time is healing things too. Despite the cruelties of detractors, ACONS have to go through a grieving period beginning at the time they break away and for each person it lasts a certain period of time and one's time in needing to heal can vary. I am only coming out of the grief now, and I can tell I am living life in a different way now, trying to look to the future, and enjoying time with my husband. Here is one trap for healing ACONs to avoid, avoid people who don't have patience with your healing process, get rid of them. They will only hurt you. Avoid "friends" and others who are against your going no contact. Some even close friends will shock and dismay you choosing your families side. Some you may even discover as narcissists themselves as you wake up and come out of the fog. I did lose SEVERAL friends while in the going no contact process. I got rid of two more played "Fix You" Games too. As an ACON changes, and learns about narcissism, it will change many relationships.  I want to thank the friends who stuck by me too. This is make or break time for friendships, they will either grow stronger or end all together. The friends who were vulnerable and had kindness were the friendships that lasted.

We are left with this feeling of "try harder" and one will be loved, but that's a lie, and a sure way that will lead to more unhappiness and rejection. This is something I am changing. Sometimes I go places and think just be relaxed. You don't have to worry about what anyone thinks anymore.

With a few extended cousins, I have some Facebook contact with them, but it's grown more limited and it's just like old classmates I haven't seen in 30 years. I don't trust my brother anymore.  All of them are too indoctrinated by my mother and Uncle Narcissist. One can't form real relationships with people who seem afraid of you or always like they have "said too much". There's nothing there. With my brother it is clear he has chosen my mother's side and her money.  He joins in with all my mother's opinions without fail. You can read the multitude of articles where I tried with my brother on this blog.

Don't fall into the trap like me of thinking I could win a few relatives over and away from the narcissists.  I lost the majority already but vied for the few and failed! I got into this mode where I thought if I show them how much I care, they will accept me and I can have my own relationships with them independent of my mother.  This was not right thinking and right now I am working on the part of me who wants to work so hard to "win" people over knowing it is a waste of time and effort. I thought if I told them what happened and about the lies, they would care and take my side. This was a lie I told myself because I did not want to face losing the whole family.  I failed.  From what I have seen and this is my personal experience, the way narcissism works especially  it's extreme and when they are numerous in number in a dysfunctional family system this is a project doomed for failure.  

I think this is happening to a lot of people where they have lost families due to narcissists. There's something in human dynamics where narcissists seem to suck all the air, energy and love out of a room. They tell people who to love and who to hate and people follow along.  If a scapegoat breaks away, the narcissists will focus like a laser on the few stragglers like a sheepdog herding sheep to make sure another one doesn't break away. 

So in addiction to this, in the ACON no contact healing be careful of one trap. That's a trap scapegoats can fall into where we blame ourselves for failed relationships.  Why do we blame ourselves for these relationships gone bad? I did try hard as I could. I know being disabled for so many years, I got left out more and more. No room was made for my health problems. In today's world, lose your health and people speak of even losing mates and best friends, I didn't lose those, but I lost the family to that too and the narcissists. Narcissistic American society is not kind to the ill. We do take a little more time. Sometimes one has to put a walker in a car or help someone with a ride somewhere or make allowances. Not all people want to do this, not even relatives. People make their choices, it's not for us to control.

Another trap to avoid is the family first stuff that seems to be growing in American society.  Find circles of people to socialize with who may be less family oriented! An ACON who goes no contact is almost seen like a monster to the family first or else people.  It's hard because so much of this world functions on "families" and if you do not have a "family" it is a strange place in this world. I think "family" is shoved down too many people's throats. This can be worse in more conservative parts of the country. There were times when I wanted no reminders of family life or of being child-less and it seemed the world would not let up. People discussed family members like they were collections. They spoke of their sainted mothers and close-knit siblings. Too many of an ACON knows what it is like to sit there and keep one's mouth shut on purpose as various family networks are bragged about. For ACONS who have their own families and children or who had a few intact family relationships left this may be less of a problem but for those left without families, it can be an issue.

 On Facebook, families are presented constantly in bright shiny forms and becoming bragging rights to so many people. I see so many family photos of tight smiling people all lined up in a row, it's crazy. It's even worse in Christian circles, where everything is focused on having a family or being a mother.  Which is even stranger since Jesus Christ never had children or married.  I just wanted to be valued and honored for being a human being on my own without people wanting to constantly measure kinship ties.

I wonder if others feel like I do like family itself has become another bragging right and families themselves have become new idols.  I think this is happening to a lot of people where they have lost families due to narcissists. There's something in human dynamics where narcissists seem to suck all the air, energy and love out of a room. They tell people who to love and who to hate and people follow along.  One doesn't need a family to be a valued human being. The world will tell us this but it's not true.

There are some of the traps, I have worked my way through and am presently working on. I hope this article can help some people. Tell me what you think. 


  1. As far as bad health and imminent death are concerned I think most people think they are exempt. Or will at least just fall down and pass go and be taking a closer walk with thee. Medical science keeps extending the length and severity of the illness that used to take us quickly so everyone should be prepared for a long illness and convalescence. We logically know that we will all die and probably be sick awhile before we go but we/I always thought it would happen to someone else. But ask not for whom the bell tolls, eventually it will toll for us all.

    1. Yes most people think they are exempt, I never expected to be sick so young and had nothing to prepare me for it, especially with the upbringing I had, and well even in that, I did not prepare to age. It was such an usual circumstance and its true medical science is keeping many going a lot longer then they used to. Agree it tolls for all. Narcissists think they have forever, they don't.

  2. I just think its impossible to win over narcissists, or it takes a very long time. Just try to do like a narc does and it won't go over very well. Why are they treated like they are so special. I just made one spin out like "The Exorcist" with pea soup practically flying, but I'm the bad guy. I'm just learning that this is one of the things an ACON has to accept.

    I am learning to keep my mouth shut, I don't attend church on Mother's Day, and I'm starting to realize most people are deluded. This is helping my mind anyway.

  3. You are either their slave and take the abuse or you walk away. There's no winning with them. Even the golden children "lose" especially as the narc gets older. I am trying to figure out why people and the crowds around them treat them so special. This is more understandable when a narc can use money as leverage, but perhaps they manage a sort of social leverage--people are too afraid to come out against them. If I see a narc in a room, I just get away now and don't say much. We won't be believed anyhow and if they melt-down they get sympathy where if we melt down we are hated more.

    I'm learning to keep my mouth shut too. It's not my job to be the narcissist whisperer or the enabler saver. I will speak up for the underdog but know there's always a price for that going in. Most people are deluded and don't want to know. There's something about a narcissist's approval that many get off on, that fake charismatic crap I guess. I am out of church but I was avoiding Mother's Day at church 10 years ago even.