Having Kids is Too Hard Today: The Child Free Movement

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I've gone to read the Brat-free board before. It's not always a pleasant place. Some of these child-free by choice people brag of their ability to go on vacations and do everything their hearts desire but I wonder how many choose to be child-free due to the sheer lack of money. That's one thing if a millennial is never going to be able to afford his own apartment or make money that actually feeds himself, the idea of having children is going to be put on the back shelf. Time magazine makes being child-free look like a choice of wealthy couples who want to lay on the beach, but for many people it is a "choice" coming from economic pressures and poverty.

I was mostly infertile--never had periods unless forced by drugs like birth control or Provera for twenty years. Though oddly when I went on insulin I suddenly started getting periods all the time and the doctors warned me for the first time in twenty years I am fertile, but I am way too sick to get pregnant.  Some of them seemed confused why insulin brought all the periods back. They never told me why. When you are over 45 the chances for a healthy woman to get pregnant are less then 5 percent, but it's something I didn't need looming over my head. Being this old, I am glad I did not pass down being 700lbs and having severe Lipedema/PCOS and other problems to a child. I hit a wall on my adoption search, but my Lipedema had to come from some where. Rare genetic diseases don't pop up out of nowhere. Even in this woman's case, I believe there is definitely going to be one child with a severe weight problem.

Years ago, I was not in any place to have children. Since meeting old classmates, it has boggled my mind how they got their lives so together so quickly having children in most cases in their early 20s. Well they had normal bodies, were allowed to date and did not have insane parents. As I starved and ate ramen noodles and lived out of milk-crates, they were having babies and beginning careers with actual futures. Now they are having grandchildren. I ask myself, "How did they have the money?" I never would have. Most were married and there were secure jobs in the mix even by that age but I went to an upper middle class high school in a traditional mid-sized town. Facebook can suck, they are even planning the 30 year old reunion, but I don't plan to go. I'm definitely the poorest one by far, I weigh 500lbs. There's a classmate in prison for attempted murder so maybe I'm not the absolute lowest on the totem pole but even that one had children and one day will have grandchildren.

The Child-free movement board talk about the "entitled moos" Mothers and obstinate "duhs" or Dads, parenthood seems to be trophy time among many today. Children have become trophies. I saw this among my relatives to the max. Instead of any punks or goths, obedient Eagle scouts and band nerds have predominated in my family. The child-free are sick of the bragging, and the "special rights". I don't blame them. Watching so many people treat children like trophies and like they became something special just because they had sex and bred like millions of others, has gotten especially cloying over these last ten years.

Parenting for some has become about bragging rights. You see this on Facebook where the endless achievements of everyone's children are touted. They are always winning sports awards, getting good grades or doing sell-out plays. I saw one narcissistic ex-wife of a cousin, even post her entire kid's report card. Many of these narcissists deserved drugged out sneering pot-head teens and got kids that look like they came out of a catalog. Children to many are like items on a life resume, get good ones who get good jobs, and good-looking grandchildren:  Instant bragging rights! Life for child-free ACONs like myself can be especially hell on earth as new babies are cooed over and parents congratulated and seen as full adults while you never are.

                                          I can't figure this guy out, is he being sarcastic, for real? Tongue in cheek?

Many child-free people including myself, know what it is like to be told, that you matter less because you did not have children. Some parents directly say this. I was told that I mattered less to my face because I never had breeded, infertility, health problems and others not withstanding.  My brother even admitted I mattered less because I never had children. How was I supposed to pop out babies when I was dying of sepsis and weighed near 700lbs and hadn't had a period since I was 19 years old? Most women with severe PCOS with far better health then me have to dish out tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments.  Our too short 9 years of working class stability still would have made having children near impossible as we were buried in medical bills and I couldn't even breath.  Churches back this up too, they bring the already overly congratulated mothers to the front of the room on Mother's day and give them presents. They hold special dinners for them. They tell you "be fruitful and multiply" and that your main worth as a woman is to have children. Non-mothers in this equation don't matter.  The child-free including me are kind of sick of it all. You can see the pain underneath the angry stances on the Child-free boards.

Families themselves have become idolized, the Duggars with their 19 children are a fertility cult held up as examples to emulate. Otherwise what is special about them beyond the ability to breed so much? Not much. All their grown children seem to be following in the parents footsteps. There's a reason that even after the scandals they kept them on TV.

Some of the child-free do seem overly resentful of crying babies and seem to have Republican stances, that anyone who is poor made "bad choices" and should not have children. I have marveled myself though at extremely poor people having gobs of children, knowing the realities of the welfare system. It doesn't pay out that much anymore and how did they take care of them all? It seems being a parent today would be very hard. American society is not set up to take care of children especially ever since men and woman got caught up in the feminist two for one deal. A workaholic society set up for constant competition and endless moving is not setting up a stable crucible for children. The expectations on parents when there is no extended family or "village" to help out are insane.

It seems a lot of people get into parenthood now knowing what it is all about. I had no such illusions. I worked in day care centers, was a teacher, and was even basically an " in loco parentist" being a group home "family teacher" and residential counselor for several years. I knew babies meant hours and hours of no sleep, puking, clean-ups, constant diaper changing and scary illness. Teens [well I had the most crazed versions of them] meant arguments, confrontations, lack of impulse control and other insanity. Motherhood because of the work I did, didn't have this filmy haze over it of Kodak Moments. I knew parenthood took cash and stamina, I simply never had. Even being infertile all those years, I was doubling up on birth control to hedge my bets. I was on a drug that caused severe birth defects too for over 15 years so that made the vigilance even more important.

In the back of mind too, since I was basically raised by a sociopath with the feelings of a rock, I also knew that parenthood would be more problematic for me. My husband says he thinks I would have been a good mother and marvels still at watching me teach some little kids art once which I did at a volunteer gig.  One odd thing about life now is I spent my 20s surrounded literally by children and teens and now I'm one of those old curmudgeons who definitely doesn't understand the "young" world anymore.

Many of the posts on child-free boards, talk about how people find parenthood to be very hard. They talk about how some parents post on the internet that they didn't know what they were getting into. They are in shock and traumatized about how everything is so complicated. I believe some stances about parenting today have made it more difficult. All the helicopter parenting where one must hover over their child ever second, seems exhausting beyond belief. The constant working and lack of time and ability to have a decent home life, makes having children even harder.  The child-free board are right about the  weird worship of "natural child birth" where in reality in the old days many women died of it, and about the hidden physical effects of giving birth. There is a strain of martyrship in "mommyhood" that seems toxic to the max and it's not about taking care of the kids but about showing off. They rant about the bad parents who don't teach children right from wrong, or in respecting others and enable behavior. In a growing narcissistic society, having calm children who are taught to respect others, is growing far more rare.

Some people have children today for the wrong reasons. It seems some have children so they won't be alone and if you get into it, expecting the kid to meet your needs then it is a recipe for disaster. Some say have children so you are not alone and old! Even that isn't always a guarantee since the kids can move away or die before you or even go no contact if you are a rotten parent. I often wondered thought my own narcissistic parents had children because they "were supposed to" but actually did not enjoy children or their demands. We bothered them. They probably would have been happier people child-free. Maybe not. They needed their trophies. Hopefully now with birth control so common, more people who should not have children won't. A lot of the narcissists out there get disappointed because it seems many believe they will have little Mini-Mes. DNA doesn't work that way. Perhaps some of us ACONs who remained child-free missed a bullet, in giving birth to someone who may have matched the rest of the family or had their tendencies. My DNA connection to my own family is dubious, but I had the thought, "What if I had a kid, and it got the personality of my mother?"

So while I am not technically child-free by choice, one can see the themes out there. Many young people are choosing not to have children because this society is not set up properly anymore for the nurturing of children. They are too broke and poor and can barely take care of themselves. Or if rich enough, they are made to work long hours with everything dedicated to the career. They know having children is very hard today. The money, time and stamina are short in supply even for the healthy and able. The relationships and marriages don't last long enough and in the land of throw-away people, things aren't as stable. Our world and society are growing harder, more cold and difficult to survive in. Having children is not as easy at it used to be and the narcissism is making for children to be treated like trophies, badly educated with negative character training where many people who are without children in society simply don't want to deal with them.

I even think of a bible verse when I think of today's child-free movement:

Luke 21:23 But woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people.

The times have come now where people don't want children. Even as the churches idolize families and judge those without children, this is the reality. The growing narcissism of society has made having children much more difficult as well. So wonder there is even such a thing as the child-free movement. 

The Demise of the American Family: The World of Regretful Parents

 

 I never had kids. There is a price that comes with that, since I left my family of origin, there is no family of creation. There will be no grandchildren or son or daughter. There is a 1994 Star Trek movie, "Generations", the one where Picard and an aged Captain Kirk help each other and there's a moment that Picard is put into this "nexus world". In this world he has a family, a wife, children and his dead nephew comes back to life.  The character doesn't really have children but you could see he longed for that kind of life. He breaks away to return to his real life and "save his crew" but you can see him being pulled to the world of family. 

 I don't think having kids would have worked for us, even if I could have pulled it off. We didn't have enough financial resources. There wasn't enough physical and emotional stamina! All the doctors told me I would die if I got pregnant. One told me I couldn't get pregnant at all. I never have been pregnant. It just never happened. Who wants to have a kid with their life destroyed by super-obesity, autism and extreme autoimmune disorders? My father didn't think of me passing on his monster genetics.

What does family mean anymore? Many of us, especially white people in America really don't have one, we came out of competition clubs. No one admits that the reason immigrant families do better here is because they pool resources. Other cultures have more of a cooperative stance. Americans suffer for having no heritage, Native Americans have their tribes, and other groups their clubs and traditions, but many of us ended up with a bag of empty. I see people refer to "my people" and there is no group we belong to.

Many people today seem very disappointed by having kids. I found this board called regretful parents  on reddit. It is fascinating. Some people admitted the childfree and childless frequented the board to see the horrors they escaped. The mods are very heavy handed and don't allow much interaction from outsiders but the regretful parents themselves. This board was surprising. I think there is a lot of truth on that board about how parenthood is presented in our society, we see warm fuzzy moments on family sitcoms, many of the people basically come on there and write things like: [paraphrased on purpose not to single anyone out]

• "These children are disappointments, they disobey and tear the house up"
• "My life is a misery, there's not enough money, all I do is work and come home to housework, cooking and childcare!"
• "I am imprisoned with this autistic [stage 3] child who has no future and I will be a slave forever to them, and they hit me!"
• "I wish I never had kids"
• "I hate being a parent, I wish someone had told me how terrible it was!"
• "There's not enough money to pay for anything!"
• "My daughter is 23 and still hasn't got a job, she has no motivation and expects me to pay all the bills."
• "I hate my child's personality."
• "My child is a psychopath." 
• "I want to run away!"
• "Children are noisy brats"
• "They expect me to entertain them night and day."
• "My partner never helps."
• "No one told me it would be this much work."
• "Babies are terrible, selfish and never sleep!"
• "My child hates me and always speaks to me disrespectfully and never listens!"
• "I would never become a parent if I knew what it was like."
• "I regret my choice to become a parent very much so.
• "I may divorce so I can give my mate custody and be free of child rearing.
  
• "Maybe I should run away!"

I'm noticing some themes on that board. Some of the people are very sympathetic. Some did get a child with no conscience or stage 3 non-verbal autistic children where there is never a moments rest. Some could be personality disordered, or narcissists themselves or were raised so badly or abused themselves they don't have the emotional fortitude for parenthood. Hey, I didn't have it!

Maybe the kids are different now. They are far sicker. Maybe a lot of the misbehavior is from brain injuries, whether you believe that is from vaccines or from toxins in the environment. Kids seem far less able to self-soothe. ADHD may be more a problem with physiological basis than psychological. Autism rates are off the charts and even level 1 autism can bring a lot of challenges. This is affecting the children's abilities to be quiet, listen, function, learn, play, and behave. People are unhealthier. I have noticed young people seem to be more seriously ill with more autoimmune diseases. This is an outcome of many problems. 

Parents are older now, people have a lot more energy when they are younger. Add in all the job requirements, working women, people don't have the same energy to keep up with the kids and it shows.

The outcomes of Feminism made it far harder. The "you can have it all and make the bacon too" lie is a fiasco. Women who are mothers are exhausted. My elderly friends who had school aged children in the 50s and 60s told me directly, family life was happier, when mothers were home to take care of the children.  I saw posts about lazy partners all over the regretful parents board. Sheer fatigue seemed to produce a lot of the regret. When corporations got their two for one deal, it cut family time by 50 percent. Outraged, overworked mothers, yell at the men and partners who won't step up, because they are basically pulling double shifts. Divorce is far more common with many households dealing with custody issues, visitation and divorced parents who live far away from each other. 

This is a sick society, it is not a place for children. Most adults are so beaten down, by work and financial responsibilities, there's nothing left to give to the kids. One other theme that is repeated is how there is no one to help. Parents who wanted the status of grandchildren and push their adult child to have children, check out and aren't really there to help when the chips are down. 

There's no village and parents in America are definitely feeling it. There's no one to help babysit. All the bills are too high. Life has become nothing but work. We have very little community left in this country and third spaces, and in the old days there would have been aunts and uncles and extended family to help out. Now there isn't, the nuclear family is alone in the house. Many can't afford the money to have a church group or coach to pick up the slack either. I wrote about in this article years ago, Economic Nomads in the Geography of Nowhere how the social ties of society have been destroyed, this definitely has affected raising children. 

I spent my 20s with children, raising other people's kids for jobs, at the juvenile home, day cares, babysitting, school programs, camp, substitute teaching and the residential counselor job. At the group home, they told us, we served a parental role with the title "family teacher". I had many special positive moments while teaching, a few young adults came up to me 7 years after I was their art teacher and told me how they had positive memories of me. There were kids who did blossom in my classes and who were reachable. True connection happened at the group home. I would focus on helping them get out of there! There were other young people, I stuck up for too.

 However, my ovaries dried up and blew away in a PCOS frenzy because while I liked young people in small doses in the art room and other places, the residential counselor job took a toll on me. I hated the constant confrontations, I thought, if I had to deal with this 24/7 I would go nuts. 

There were a lot of times in my child-focused career, that children did disrespect me, and I found that part tiring. Remember how fat I was. I walked into a substitute teaching situation, and I would hear "You're fat"! It kind of wove in with my past abuse in an noxious way. One boss told me I lacked presence at the residential home, but I did realize with time, I was the only worker there who never got jumped. They feared me enough not to beat on me or touch me. Maybe it was my size or something. I didn't touch them either unless it was necessary. So maybe that cut me a break.  I got told by more than one boss, "You don't do enough restraints".  I did a few to keep a kid from jumping out a second story window, and to break up fights, but some of the workers there abused that stuff, always using it a control mechanism and that disgusted me because of my history of abuse.   

Yes I had a few co-workers get jumped and one got thrown down a flight of stairs. The kids there were "troubled youth" removed from their homes or dangerous neighborhoods. This job is of the job made me ill, the violence I witnessed would take a toll for years. It was part of my PTSD diagnoses and needs for counseling. Did my abusive childhood lead me to accept a job like that?  There were the realities of how my family left me so desperate, alone and abandoned, I did work basically no one else wanted to do, just not to be homeless. Homelessness may have done me less damage. 

One thing I did notice at this job, is CONTROL and DOMINATION was the biggest motivator for some of my coworkers. They wanted to keep the kids in "check" not connect with them. They handed us a behavior system that was based on compliance and manipulation. I wanted to have real connections with the kids but was told to give them points on how many chores they did instead. The behavior program trained us to be distant removed observers and judgers of their behavior instead of fellow interacting human beings. It was based on some psychological system. It was not as bad as programs like at those infamous schools you hear about that kids get sent to, like Elan school, but it had the same flavor.  The chores were obnoxious, and never ending but no kid was worked into ill health. There was no physical punishments beyond the over-used restraints. 

A lot of things bugged me there, I got in trouble all the time, making my viewpoints known. Sadly, I got sicker and sicker, I could barely take care of myself. I shouldn't have been there. I was a warm body in the room making sure to report if someone ran away or following the protocols for a psychological hospitalization. I myself needed to be in a group home probably for autistic adults or another supportive housing place. The social workers had turned me down for help for years. 

I had been a juvenile home art teacher before this job, I was still idealistic, and wanted to reach them. Maybe it was too many "Welcome Back Kotter" TV shows, but the job totally stressed me out.  Things got really bad near the end, as I got sicker, and I was being mocked for my weight and my hair falling out. "Baldy-head" is there engraved in my memories. The kids started saying "I stunk" all the time as I was in the middle of my huge and fast 400lb plus weight gain. I'm surprised they didn't fire me, unemployment would have been a relief.

 With the last group of kids, I refused to say goodbye, they were so abusive, and violent. One co-worker only a couple months after I left would get jumped and beaten up by one girl, and end up with serious brain injuries.  I don't know what became of her. I warned this co-worker who was very abusive,"One day you will meet a kid who is bigger and meaner than you, if you keep restraining and grounding these kids, over stupid stuff like forgetting to wash a pan in the sink"

Now this is extreme stuff, the teenswere the most extreme, they were from the inner city and some were diagnosed with psychopathy [oppositional defiant disorder] and other Cluster B issues. This was back in the 1990s, so things are worse today. My old work place got closed around 2012.  The more well off suburban neighborhood that the group homes were in, were fed up with runaways and other problems in the neighborhood from the now more uncontrollable clients. This was detailed in local newspapers. So it got shut down and they bulldozed the buildings. 

Many of these kids were not only messed up from racism and other issues but society in general. Americans no longer dealt with children in a hopeful way, desiring relationships with them and teaching and guiding them but started to deal with children in a way that was all about control and domination. Some say this has always been true in a capitalist society and it has been, but it's worsened. Look at adulthood for most of us who are poor, life is a constant series of threatened punishments usually over lack of money. Endless punishments for children translate into endless punishments for adults. This is a top down control society with little mercy.

Now harsh parenting has always existed with corporal punishment and "children should be seen and not heard" attitudes but there's a new twist to the mix when children are objects to be displayed on social media, and some parents seem to have children wanting them to be their little Mini-Mes. 

Helicopter parenting was the norm on the Regretful Parents board. I understand constant supervision of toddlers and babies for their safety, but now the older kids are supervised to the extreme and far more when I was a child. No child is allowed to ever go to the park and play. Maybe the parents saw too many news reports like the woman being arrested who let her school aged child walk to the park, something I did as a kid constantly. They locked down their homes. 

Many of the children seemed bored in their posts and unable at all to entertain themselves, read a book or settle down, they were dependent on their parents for everything. They didn't have other kids to play with and couldn't run and play or ride their bicycles all over. The youngsters seem very dependent and unlike they were able to achieve any independence This has made parenting far harder.

In an authoritarian society where they are replacing real lives and real living with digital pseudo-lives, it makes for less learning, less initiative. I plead guilty on this too as the internet took too much control over my life, and it seems like the only voice I have in this world besides my marriage and a few friends is online. If you are broke or in the suburbs, there's far less to do. 

The kids seem helpless and far too programmed and controlled. There was no exploration, no relationships in an outside community, and it has made everyone miserable as hell. Some parents got fed up being "forced to play" with their kids and they hated it. We never played but a rare board game or cards with our parents growing up, it simply wasn't done. The adults had their world and us kids had our own. Adults still could have lives back then and have children.  It is kind of scary thinking about how this is going to arrest the development of children. It definitely has led to more regretful parents. Very few even say "Let's change this!", they take all the control for granted!

 Maybe was the control stuff run amuck, the kids weren't even allowed to play by themselves, play dates had to be all arranged, they couldn't cross the street to visit a neighbor kid even at age 10. The jailers, aka parents, lose time and space for themselves keeping life so locked down. It does seem odd to me that the parents don't loosen things up and don't raise kids the way they were, with freedom to ride their bikes or go to the park, but maybe there's too much condemnation and too many dangerous neighborhoods. Crime is supposed to be less than the 70s and 80s but maybe all the "in your face" news reports took a toll here too. 

Control definitely was the theme of the group home. I noticed no one addressed morality, or life skills except cooking some cheap meal. Family cooperation, hopefulness in youth, and just teaching and guidance just seemed set aside for something else. Sometimes I used to think these kids are 17 and 16, and are supposed to have jobs and adult responsibilities within 2 years, and they want us directing their every move like they are toddlers? Very little was taught. 

 I am old enough to have enjoyed some of the independence of the old school childhood. There was more freedom for me with my time at my Catholic school, riding my bike to the park, playing with my neighborhood friends including my friends from Vietnam with no parental supervision. In my case, it was odd that when I became a teen, things became far more locked down. It's strange because teens usually get more freedom as they get older, but it seemed to work in the inverse for me growing up. My abuse grew worse in my teens as my parents moved us to a more isolated suburban neighborhood, the library was 10 miles away, and no longer a bike ride away. Before I had a community and school right across the street to escape to. There were people all around me, from the nuns to my 4-H leader across the street. This probably curbed some of the worse from my parents. Today's kids, with their locked down lives, the kids with abusive parents, won't have outlets children once had. 

If a country switches from an open democracy with self-guided citizens to a police state like this one, do some of these changes filter down in society? I think so. I discussed some of the changes for millennials, how they were so much more locked down and controlled than Gen X. One mistake and your life was ruined. Their junior high schools were full of police ready to drag them away for one fight at recess. The children pick up on the fact, that they are seen as "outside" society and a burden. 

One thing I noticed reading the Regretful parents board is many were in bad situations with checked out spouses, lack of money, disability, severely ill kids with mental disorders and high stage autism.  Americans grow more and more and more unhealthy with bad food, toxins, stress, and it's showing in the kids. Remember mental health and the brain are affected by physical health. Why do so many kids have ADHD? Why are they so spazzed out, anxious, nervous, unable to self-soothe? That could be influenced by physical manifestations and problems too. Obesity as detailed on this blog multiple times is also a sign and symptom of failing health. Many regretful parents were disappointed by who they got for children. That's something that has changed, in a consumerist society, as everything came to order, there was cultural developments that were not positive. 

My own parents I think were regretful parents. They spoke of having a large family but stopped at 3 due to my mother's endometriosis. My brother told me, my mother had been told no more babies after my sister. My parents were narcissists and had children because they were "supposed to", this was common back then but they didn't enjoy it very much.

I was quiet, and while I was abused in the background, there was a lot of fights and angst with my brother, who was too noisy and always demanding attention. There was this air of "we must look good, and have this happy looking family, especially when Christmas rolled around, but overall I think parenthood made them miserable. They were neat-freak people without many emotions, my father was computer/STEM oriented and both saw kids as an intrusion, that ruined their neat polished living rooms and put water spots on the floor in the bathroom and dirtied too many towels. My personality did not mesh with my parents. There were angry words about me being weird [from my autism] very early on. The talk of kicking all the kids out at 18 started by the time we were 5, and the complaints about financial burdens and what kids cost were numerous. My parents would have been far happier and maybe better people without children. 

One thing I noticed on the Regretful parents board was many said, "Why didn't anyone tell us how hard this was?" Some even cited the damages, some permanent, that pregnancy did to their bodies and the destruction of good looks, and thinness. Overall, some came to the conclusion, people lie about how bad it is to have kids out of guilt or wanting to have more numbers join their ranks. I had no illusions, I had to feed the babies and toddlers and take care of them, I knew what diaper pails smelled like at the day care centers and saw the extremes of teenagers, but most people outside of some babysitting weren't having those experiences.  Some would write things that parenting is mostly misery and while there was a few happy moments like seeing a baby laugh or having a moment of connection with their child, those were occasional while the daily slog ruined their lives. 

Too many people see children as commodities and status symbols.  Social media has made this worse with family used as something to brag about. If your child doesn't "come out right" or is "poorly behaved" or isn't pretty, many are disappointed, like they opened a present and got a lump of coal instead. People always wanted children that reflected well on them, but in a society where the youth are being crushed, and sociologists have ignored the fact that all generations younger that the boomers have done vastly worse economically, how many have "successful kids" now? Some say kids at least gave a little work and effort to the family farm but in the suburban house, they sadly are seen as liabilities. Some lamented on the regretful parenting board that now many have live with you past the age of 18.

The trophy kid thing is a real phenomenon. Good trophies are the favorites. With some of these parents, average isn't good enough, you have to be a star that reflects light on to them. Everyone is divided into winners and losers.  We had stage mothers in the 1980s but this seems to be the majority now. Here's one weird thing my narcissistic sister said to me, I was breaking away starting my no contact and in one of the last emails she said, "I don't know why you don't want to see your nieces and nephews in their celebration of life". I found it weird, I wasn't expected to be a participant in their lives, that never happened. They truly are strangers but an OBSERVER of it. I was to observe "shining trophies" not interact in a relationship with human beings. This developed in a materialistic country obsessed with "success". Ironically though as financial pressures increase, the cracks are starting to form. 

Financial problems hover in the air. America the corporation is a society where money comes first and it's affecting family.  What does family mean when everything is about rising to the top and getting the most money? Some point to individualism as the reason for rot in America. Families have become competition not cooperation clubs. I saw this in my own family. Why was one sister so poor she didn't have running water in a broken down trailer, while another shopped until she dropped?  Why was one sister given everything, while the other almost left to die in severe poverty? Why did one uncle who got into a company via his best friend's father sneer at the poorer members of the family? My sister has gone to Europe, has all the clothes and food she wants, and is rail-thin. Thinness is easier to achieve with wealth but in her case, some possible eating disorder and hyperthyroidism kept it going. Would my sister if she went deaf have to go without hearing aids for years because she could not afford them? Economic ranking mattered the most. The "failures" all knew who they were.

What is sad, without a supportive family where there is love, cooperation, guidance and teaching, future economic failure as an adult is far more possible. This economic chasm and pressures had destroyed family loyalty, cohesion, and any connection. Materialism in America destroyed family loyalty, kindness and teamwork far too often. My mother made it clear to the rest of the family I was the "loser" who did not deserve anything. It was only years into my no contact that I realized the extent of how things really worked and how certain members were given the use of connections and opportunities which I wrote about recently.

The financial edge was there even for the parents of young children, they see their kid already as a failure, in not developing enough talent, or doing well in school. There definitely is rage at the older ones who fail to launch, and greater economic forces are ignored. We all know the trope of the adult child in the basement with no job, gaming, smoking pot and wasting days away as a stereotype of someone as a "failure to launch". We see in our society now, blame for the homeless, and poor of all colors: we are told, they did drugs, they didn't make responsible decisions. While some poor decisions are made by some people, no one pays attention to the social forces that are impoverishing millions of people or making it impossible for young people to get an economic foothold. The dog eat dog culture we have trickles down to the kids. If little Johnny can't read at the "right age" he's seen as a failure. Some of the parents seem to give up on their child early on. 

I felt annoyance at some of the parents on the board who seemed to have completely helpless young people with no career or other skills in adult survival, who were angry at them. What did you expect and why didn't you prepare your kid to make a living? They toss their kid out into a job world that denies 50 year old men work, and say, "Get a job today!" Some of these middle class and above parents were more busy taking their kids to Disney world then teaching them how hard it is to survive in the real world.  Parents fail to tell children about economic survival or teach any money skills.

There's definitely some narcissistic parents posting there too among the ones with real serious problems. I notice a "coldness", with some, and we see that in society. Some say they are unable to bond with their babies, and well, that too goes with a society that has lost the plot. Broken social connections have impacted this entire culture. Am I a "throw back" for having feelings? People don't seem to connect like they used to.

 The "think positive" movement made talking about any serious matter a social crime and taught people to paper-over everything with platitudes. This cut people off from each other. I am struggling now, because I feel under pressure to hide every problem and appear like I have it together. Maybe it's me, and my problems reflected on the world but it just seems like people don't feel anymore. One thing I have been coping with is thinking, "I better harden up to survive with all the poverty, betrayal, and health problems"  Why did life come to that? You see a emotional flattening across the land, as everything is focused on survival and money and there's little time for "fun" or emotional connection. The children are being shoved aside. No one has time. Softer feelings are for "yesterday". "How dare you cry or say you miss people!" We are all supposed to be stone-faced stoics. Years ago, one could let loose and laugh a bit more. There's rare moments that happens with friends but in dystopia, feelings are not allowed. 

Personality disorders are exploding like wildfire, in a society that denies emotions, social connections, pleasure, economic stability, happiness and where you are to be the most emotion-less drone to succeed. Only STEM people seem to make any money now, and the arts have basically been smashed to bits and the "helping professions". Yesterday, I read how Indiana University and another university were doing away with multiple degree programs, that included art education and journalism. I could understand why, in that people get those degrees and there's no more jobs in the field. I know from my husband, journalism is absolute toast. Look at how poor we are, and he still writes newspaper articles. Newspapers stopped hiring reporters and now use stringers. If liberal arts no matter means anything and only cold hard STEM sells, what is that doing to society? It's a sign of a society in massive cultural and economic decline. 

How's family doing when there's little "soft" feelings allowed?  I used to tell some of the relatives I went no contact with, that I "missed them", this was a few of the ones who were more likeable like the cousins. No one cared about how I felt. They seemed nauseated by any expression of feeling. I learned to keep that stuff to myself. I'm 12 years into no contact now, and no one missed me or tried to "get me back". None of them cared about me, their entire emotional life ruled by a would-be psychopath who promoted lack of feeling and coldness. Maybe my early connection to my decent aunt tortured me, as I got a taste of "how things should be".

Even my mother's "hooverings" were mostly to see if I was alive, with those dead cards, she probably has life insurance on me, she's getting impatient to cash in. Nothing personal was ever written in any of them. Holiday cards from the dry cleaner were more personable. The rest of the relatives knowing I cut off Queen Spider except for the cousin who called to tell me about his divorce, know they could bring forth her wrath or even trying to talk to me. The ones with the least feelings or soft emotions were the most lauded. 

"Feelings" no longer mattered and neither did connection. In the Brave New World no one cares about anyone! Can the concept of family even survive that change?  What is family needed for outside of biological requirements if there is no emotional connection? The children are good for their ability to reflect on your success and not much else. The children have become a burden if they don't reflect well on one's social status. Many an ACON can attest that a lot of our abuse was centered on "how sensitive" we were and we would get smacked alone for having feelings, even positive ones! "Stop that giggling!"

Remember the "Ok Boomer" stuff from a few years ago? The younger generations are angry. Some may say envy is a sin, but when people like Ollie Matthews complained about boomers [not all boomers--he says 21 percent are good--not sure where that ratio is from ], a lifetime of seeing people have everything while your options and opportunities shrink to nothing, gets harder and harder. There is building rage out there. One thing to remember though is, the parasites, aka the1 percent elite, do the divide and conquer thing masterfully, maybe they are doing this with generations? If boomer and millennial and Gen X all go head to head, no one will notice the jerks in the shadows pulling the strings and stealing all the money. Boomer mom could buy a house and pay her bills, but then they passed laws and increased costs, so Gen X got stuck in an apartment for life. Gen Z probably will be living in cardboard boxes on the sidewalk or in pods and each succeeding generation will grow in anger at the former.

I have had many good boomer friends but many older people in my life lacked any empathy for young people who failed to reach the same level of economic stability. This blog is full of my stories of how I was blamed. There is a class structure in the USA now, where some of the ones who do better, look at poor people with utter disgust and now this includes people's view of their own children and family members. Some right wing people go on about all the "welfare" cheats and post rage bait about anyone on EBT with extreme videos with people getting thousands of dollars on their EBT card. No one gets that much money. We got 16 dollars a month the last time I was on EBT.

Too many parents were angry, disgusted, disappointed and treated failing adult children with put downs. I do think there's been a lot of generational trauma from this alone, and it's been another knife to family cohesiveness. My class status alone in my family made me a non-person in their circles. It's a voiceless matter here, the poor adult children are rendered voiceless via embarrassment and told it's their fault because of their failure. What is this going to do with relationships in families, nothing good!

The sad thing for me wasn't the going without, but the fact so many "put" the poorer people down. I'd hear wealthier boomers brag about overseas trips and I couldn't even pay my electric bill.  I am so tired of showing off rich people. Some may not have ill-intent, but I find it kind of thoughtless, such as the time my mother flashed her new sapphire ring in front of my face. 

Today I committed a faux paus as another older person bragged about an overseas trip. Around here, these people go on overseas jaunts every 6 weeks. I got angry and muttered, "I can't even afford to cross the street!"  while on Zoom with them. They are so out of touch. I don't expect people to pay my bills, but I'm tired.  When my needs are met, I don't care, let them do their thing, but I struggle with anger and resentment when my needs are not met. This weekend, we had to make sure there was enough money for a car repair. This group knows I am poor, sheesh, I wrote a poem about it. These people would never understand the fear that some of us have to live in. Again, I do not recommend that poor people live around the rich, it doesn't do good things to your psyche.

How do these people have so much money as the rest of us are crushed? I understand Ollie's emotions. I don't want to lump in all boomers though I have complained about boomers myself. Now I am seeing Gen X lauded as 'rich jerks' who are selfish by younger people. Some Gen X people did do okay especially if they got into STEM fields, but overall Gen X did worse than boomers by the statistics. So this can keep going down the line, right now they got races, religions, politics fighting why not add age to it? It's something I have thought about. There are poor boomers and nice boomers and ones who question their own generation. Gen X was too passive, and took that "slacker" crap too seriously, I also think my generation is way too checked out and never saw any at any community events. Maybe they were all overworked, but it was always something odd to me

There are poor boomers and those who don't fit the entitled narcissistic personalities of some. These generational tags don't describe people fully but something went awry between the generations. One thing I notice is wealthy boomers are always focused on success. It gets wearing. It doesn't do good things to people to have economic failure rubbed in their faces for decades. Some may say that's why they got successful, maybe so, they worked all the time or focused on those things in life, but I wish some would understand motivation gets knocked aside when the pay-offs are rare or not there. They rant about "lazy" young people.

 I had a final fight with my mother years ago where she told me, "Yes I am well-off and it is because I worked hard!" I fired back, "You were given a place to work hard which I was not, that's the part you do not get!"  So many people especially younger got into this desperate place of trying and still saw everything come apart. This is where the economic chasms, open wide. Empathy is not there, between some within the generations. 

 I was abused by my family still when I seem to have a viable economic future, such as the time when I had my first art teaching job, and later when my husband had his assistant editor newspaper job and we expected things to build up. He also got a book nationally published that year, a second would come some years later. They treated us worse however during the poverty times. We were disrespected and maligned at a stronger level. I had attempted to finish my paralegal degree in the early 2000s, but was audited by the school and turned down due to time that had elapsed. I had hope of getting better, my body did not cooperate.

Abuse and disdain reached great heights. I am glad I am no contact now, because the level of poverty we are at now, where I could not afford gas to visit them or even clothing, SHOWS, and the abuse would be off the charts.  The powers that be crush us now, and have separated people even from their own families, this is where narcissism and abandonment of spiritual principles, have wrecked the family structure. If there's no more love or connection, what is the purpose of it all?

It wasn't just me who got separated from poverty, I could see class divisions in other branches in the family, the multimillionaire cousins wouldn't let Aunt Confused [their grandmother] visit them, or even know where they lived. Uncle Lost Boy while not abused, was seen as a "failure" by the rest, and he spent more time with his wife's family that was a close knit, very rural, working class family. When I saw pictures of my nephews wedding on Facebook, I noticed none of the poorer relatives were there, including my brother, they probably weren't invited.

My brother had less to do with the wealthy ones and was seen as a secondary "failure" next to me, he got a whole new family with his long-term girlfriend's family that was working class and treated him well. I think he didn't miss his former family, he still kissed my mother's butt and got money from her, but living far away that was his "replacement family". I would have done the same, except my husband is a birthright baby, his parents emigrated here, and there's only one living relative in America, his sister who lives many states away. Economic chasms are opening up in families and changing the lay of the land. If you don't match the lifestyle of your family are you even a member anymore? 

Maybe this has always happened, poorer family members cast away, but sociologists are neglecting to study the family chasms that are opening up between generations based on economics and more. When I did genealogy, I studied one side of the family back to the 1400s, and another side of the family back to around 1880. I needed an international membership to take things back further.  As I wrote on the "Economic Nomads" article, all the relatives grew up in the same towns, I could do all research in one small town in America for both sides. While there were some who succeeded more than others, I didn't see evidence of people cast off for economic failure. I noticed many relatives living with others, such as aunts and uncles living with siblings, there were shared businesses where brothers worked with one another and far more cooperation between relatives. They all attended the same church and participated in community events. There were notions of having kinfolk, a heritage, and a legacy.  America is a dying empire and the families are breaking apart too. 

Now some of us are getting older and realizing it's not going to change. As America goes into the Great Depression 2.0, while we are gaslighted, those who feel its effects in the early stages have no family to turn to. Things are going to be worse this time, as people in the 1930s still had stronger family and community networks. 

Did people of early generations realize that kids would be their own people? I'm not sure, but there seemed to be some ideas of family togetherness, love, care and concern, that have dissipated.  I noticed in the years before Ollie Matthews talks about the "degeneracy" of the 1960s-70s destroying many foundation of our society and pumping out higher numbers of narcissists. I've done enough conspiracy studies, reading about Tavistock, and books like Weird Scenes Inside The Canyon Laurel Canyon, Covert Ops & The Dark Heart Of The Hippie Dream. 

Something did go awry in the 1960s. Many conspiracy theorists do rightly point to the planned destruction of the American family, changing the emotional life of Americans and attitudes towards children definitely was part of this. I know some of the religious right abuses this stuff, with idyllic visions of families from the past ignoring poverty like every family could afford to have a "trad wife" but something went wrong. The 1960s is when the economic breakdowns really got rolling and when people started moving for jobs separating families. 

Since leaving the UU, I realize I am more of a traditionalist on many matters, this includes religion which I'll write about as a separate topic. I'm kind of in this strange middle, disgusted by the abuses of the religious right, and worn out from the "woke" who surely don't care about the broke.

 Allison Bechdel is a graphic novelist, I like to read, one of my favorite books was her graphic novel Fun Home.  Her new book is called "Spent" and deals with money, privilege and aging issues. Some old characters from her first comic are in this book. I found myself reacting with horror as these "boomer characters" who were doing a threesome and calling it a "throuple". Their kids were in polycubes, and I kind of laughed at one daughter who formed an asexual polycube. Maybe they got burned out on the free love thing of their parents.

The boomers in this graphic novel who did the "throuple" seemed very spoiled, they were affluent. Bechdel definitely did have a sense of ironic humor about her world in this book, but I found myself thinking, "How different were their lives!", maybe different characters were formed struggling for survival, and those who had it so good. Remember when I wrote this article about Generation X, 10 years ago? Some of my predictions in that article came true. I guessed right about some aging boomers not letting go, it's why we have politicians in their early 80s now who refuse to retire.

Something changed within families though, with the counterculture. Some things from before were worse, all the stiff upper lip stuff, family secrets, women lacking their own credit, and endless hidden tragedies. A lot of counter-culture writing talks about how the parents were very closed mouth and the children at that time are always left in the dark, even as they grow old about what is really going on. There was no open sharing. The comic artists became far more self-revelatory in autobiographical comics. So communication wasn't perfect. What happened to the family otherwise? Were loving families more plentiful in the past or were things just as bad? In the 1800s one could read about those kids especially males who grow up to hit the road, go pan for gold and go on other adventures, and of course war always created losses within families. That past wasn't perfect by any means, but family seems to be falling apart. All those right wingers warning about the demise of the family aren't wrong.

I wrote some outraged posts here that supported abolition of the family but then realized that's more Maoist stuff, that experiments already been done where they broke everyone up and sent them away to camps and communes and tried to slice family ties, and it failed miserably.  I read "Wild Swans" last week which is a biography of a family living under Mao's rule. Even if one sees families as a biological prison and parenthood nothing but a work farm that was foisted on everyone with less choice before birth control came around, it seems life without family hasn't worked out that well either. 

Why did some of these regretful parents have kids to begin with? There is birth control now. People in the past didn't have as much of a choice obviously. Why didn't they give them up to the state once they realized their utter misery? Maybe they should make it easier to give up custody instead of considering it abandonment. A child may be at less risk of abuse then. Do orphanages even exist anymore? I know there's group homes, but in the old days people would send children to orphanages especially when they hit severe financial troubles. I'm not saying that's great for the child but we are living in a system with no safety nets.

One odd thing is I have been reading this "regretful parents" board on reddit, they are not all abusers but I found myself thinking why do people hate being parents so much? They can't stand their kids. It's kind of a dark place to read. Most regret toddlers and babies the most but some say their adult children gave them nothing but misery. Did something happen where parents stopped being able to discipline the children beyond physiological effects? Oh, gentle parenting does seems to be nonsense, it does seem to work with some personalities, reasoning and rationality would have worked on me, but the aggressive children seem to brush it off. It seems to be more "permissive" or lazy parenting than anything else.

If I had a child, I would teach it to read as early as possible, and teach it to adopt quiet time, and to play quietly in their room. Is this impossible now? Do time-outs fail? Are the kids laughing at having privileges taken away? I know if I had children there are certain personalities that would have disappointed me. It would be better to hide this, but I had the fear of having my mother in mini-me form living with me. That would be a nightmare. Why is discipline failing across the board? Because there's too little positive interactions? Not enough time? No respect or love? Crushed overworked parents?

The lack of sleep, no money, lack of support, noise, toilet training seems be some of the biggest issues. Some say, "We didn't know what we were getting into". Some write over on there they don't love their kids. That's sad. I wish those kids could get out of there. 

It was weird at the group home, I would have the kids do art and creative projects, to past time. It wasn't all violent outbursts. They only allowed them one hour of TV a day so I had to think of something. Maybe a decline in culture is losing the things humans spent time on like gardening, care for animals, building things, making art work, cooking and it's showing up in the children. The parents are overworked, there's no fun, no festivals, no holidays. Everything costs too much. The poorer people, this is even worse with the family stuck in a little often white box, with the bare minimum, there's nothing to do, some will watch TV or the ones who can afford it will stare into phones. Everyone's too restless and feeling the lack of community.

They ban non parents from posting over there, sometimes I just want to write, "Give your kid up to someone who will love them.".  I also want to write, "Stop controlling your kids, teach them to ride a bike and let them see a park once in a while!" I fear more abused kids. Some do "right" by the kids, and say we provide care and hide our real feelings but that's sad too. Do people hate being parents now but then thought I've never had a kid so how would I even get into this topic? I have to balance some things here, I do see positive posts on occasion regarding parenthood where some people have written it's given great meaning to their lives and they enjoy their children as people. Those people do exist. It did have me get some thoughts about my own parents. Would they have been happier people without children, I think so. They still were bad people but it's like the situation of having children, made them WORSE people. The pressures of this society do not go with having children, that's getting worse.  There's something that has gone really wrong in this society, you can see old fashioned family connections and can I use a word like "duty" or even "connection" within a family just dying out.

We live in a society now where all personal connections are under assault by parasitical elites, who don't want us to have happiness, connections, and people to turn to, because our vulnerability is what gives them power and prestige. Very few question this system. The elite and their bougiecrat vassals don't care that the lives of children are being ruined. Given what has been done via public health since 2020, it's obvious their very lives are not valued. They don't want us to have families or people who care about us. They want every individual drone worker going home to his little pod with piped in shows and messages from corporate-owned media. Divorce became far more widespread, more people were unable to have children, people were forced to move away from their families for jobs that paid too little. They put down those who lived in multi-generational housing and broke all the networks. They worked all adults besides the disabled endless hours.

The way the economy and job world operate is one principal driver of the destruction of family and putting children last. It's destroyed immediate nuclear family and extended family as well turning Americans basically into nomadic slaves to the corporations.  Nomadic slaves don't build communities. Now they won't even guarantee food and a home, with so many now living in their cars or in the streets. Young people are already not having kids due to these pressures.

 I'm noticing the conservative Republicans some of whom are right about the two for one deal the corporations got when they sent women into the work force, seem to have no interest in addressing these problems either. They just want to make things worse. The people who can afford the nice small town life with close knit families where they can take care of kids are already very small in number. The small towns are going the way of the inner cities into economic devastation.  Dads away at two jobs and Mom's working 12 hours a day. No one's making pot roast and no one can make it over to Wednesday night church service or can take a whole day to visit Grandma.

They've destroyed social ties. Robert Putnam who wrote Bowling Alone wrote on dropping social engagement.  Social disengagement has only worsened in the last 20 years. The whole society has become nothing but a Hunger Games competition fest. Children aren't going to thrive in this. Parents will turn the kids into objects and often now the kids are just another status tool for competition. If a kid fails nowadays, woe to them.  Families often are not bastions of comfort and care anymore but a competition club. You need to have a time for a private life, to raise children properly. People with 2-3 jobs don't have the time. They drive us crazy with paperwork and useless tasks especially related to technology, and it seems they want us too busy to think.

The pressures have created overworked adults who see children mostly as a burden. I will do another post on the Abusive and criminal parents related to the demise of the family soon, but this coincides with the rise of personality disorders and narcissism. Weak social connections don't build thriving healthy people who can engage and connect with their fellow man [and children]. Children are resented nowadays. Some economics added to this, children could help on the farm and often were seen as assets instead of liabilities. Maybe people of the past were more forward looking, they thought of the future and their grandchildren instead of gratification in the present. They wanted to build and progress. Maybe the planets gotten too small, and this is related to overpopulation, and it's affected humanity as a whole.

 Many of the regretful parents seem angry, this tone of "you little parasite" is beyond some of the words. You can see the anger at the helplessness of babies in some extreme cases. There is the unending anger at the ones who fail to launch. I get flashbacks to my own 20s and how doors were slammed in my own face over and over, and wonder why parental mercy for the economy today is so low! Sure some kids can be drinking and partying their lives away but I saw many responsible kids who seemed hated by their parents simply because they failed. Some of these parents were absolutely useless in talking to young people about making a living or at least going to Vo-Ed.

How many people are there like me who worked hard and got sick or had other misfortunates, and then had it all fall apart? While some people have supportive parents many do not. That's why economic things are so hard now, because many know there is no safe place to fall. I wrote about this before, but my mother told me if I became homeless, "Don't you dare show your face here!" I have noticed these attitudes growing across the board. The whole message is "You are on your own kid!"  This goes both ways, are young people going to help parents who treated them that way when they get very old? The very old are often abandoned or put away into homes now, there's no family to help them either. Some are toxic where the adult kids went no contact but still others had the attitude of "sink or swim" regarding their adult children and there were no favors to be returned later. 

Poorer people may be better off here from working class/poor/inner city families, they would be less likely to let a child or even extended family member rot in the streets. My husband watched me always marvel at African American and Hispanic people who were incarcerated in prison visited by relatives on prison shows. "Look, their families still love them!". I also noticed while living in the ghetto and inner-city areas, that many homes were full of extended family members.  There is so much coldness in modern American families in some circles. Maybe lack of love, care and human connection, has people see their children and adult children as burdens. Now my mother is extreme, but I saw the trend of children being seen as burdens. "I can't wait until these kids are out of here!" and "They better never come back!" Children seem to be seen as millstones around their parent's necks in America.  People from other countries do remark on how Americans didn't want to team together with their family or help or how multiple generations had resentment while living together.

A lot of retired people are taking care of all the young who are far poorer and whose economic realities do not match the expectations. Gen X is pretty poor, but even probably are having to take care of poorer millennials and Gen Z who can't even afford the crummy apartments and life with the milk crates. This is one way the economic destruction has destroyed family life. The sociologists have ignored the falling down the ladder and what it has done to life, and family relationships. There is so much anger and resentment towards the kids that have failed by the way, even the older adult children. There are far more people not wanting kids, Gen Z and millennials definitely don't want children. Did they see all the regret in their own parents and think "I don't want to do this?"

All this regret is definitely a sign of a society with serious problems and decline. Children are the future and what kind of a future will there be when they are so regretted?

 

Facebook Drives Me Crazy

I believe Facebook is an information gatherer and miner and what some of the "conspiracy" people warn of.  It is a surveillance tool. Maybe I've been put on some lists for questioning the status quo already.  I guess I don't care but I would probably tell anyone still off Facebook, just avoid the place.

 I joined Facebook despite these reservations because being hearing impaired, it is the easiest place to "talk" to people via PM and find them there. Having a lot of long distance friends is another thing that motivated me to be there too. I can still talk on the phone but it's getting harder to do, and I lose a lot of what people say. Real communication for me is written. When people talk to me on the phone, I have to concentrate to get every word. On the phone depending on the voice, I can miss a lot. Some people are better then others, but some I am only getting half the sentence and it puts me at a disadvantage.  I know even with one catfish, she often had the verbal upper hand on me, because sometimes she could say one sentence to me and I was only getting three or four words. Sometimes when you try to tell people, "I can't hear." they think if you try harder, you'll hear them. My hearing aids help but only can take things so far.

Facebook is not an easy place for me. I don't fit any one demographic. If people want a yes person they aren't going to find it in me. I piss off conservatives and liberals with different varying viewpoints. Some probably get confused by a pro-union born again Christian who can't stand Hillary or Trump.

I lost Facebook friends before for having the "wrong" political viewpoints. One person unfriended me just for me being a Christian and her being an atheist. Her old account seems to be abandoned. That's one thing people will do when they want to "ghost" people, they go get a new account.  One guy kicked me to the curb because I wrote I was against the NDAA and not happy Obama had signed it some years back. I don't get people who kick others to the curb for not passing ideological tests. I see these people who surround themselves ONLY with people who agree with them on everything.  They seem to live in safe worlds where people are there to back them up. The people left as my friends on Facebook are the people who can be friends with people who don't agree with them on every little thing. Everyone else already left in a huff!

Facebook seems to be influencing people to conform more. There's something about that place, where it would be easier to be in a demographic where your opinions line up with those of others. It's a far easier world for a Democrat who matches the norm of what all that entails or a mainstream "Republican" Christian who along with millions of others loves Chik-Fil-a, and thinks Reagan was a great president. Facebook is being used to "mold" people and their opinions and outlooks. I've written enough about how the be positive stuff on Facebook is shoved down everyone's throat.  Being an outliner, I have felt the pressures. It definitely has advanced "group think" using technology. 

Heavy Facebook Use Can Make You Jealous and Depressed

One thing that can be bad about Facebook and I was talking about this to a commenter on this blog, is Facebook can make you feel bad about yourself. It can bring forth envy and jealousy. I get the feeling that most people whose lives did not go so good, probably stay away from Facebook. One does not see homeless people on Facebook putting up pictures of their cardboard beds on the sidewalk.  What should I post a picture of on this housebound day? A picture of my CPAP machine? A picture of some scrambled eggs I may eat for dinner or lunch? A picture of me doing bills where I promised each 10 dollars a month to keep out of collections? How about scrubbing the kitchen floor later? I did the bathroom one with an old rug scrubber yesterday. There is part of me that almost wants to do this to take the piss. Maybe I should. LOL  I will take one boring housebound day and photograph mundane crap and see if anyone gets the joke. 

This commerical annoys me. When I watch those idiots all photographing their food to probably post on Facebook or Instagram, I find myself thinking JUST EAT YOUR FOOD JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE! One thing to notice about this commercial, notice how the family is not talking to each other in depth but more busy focusing on what will be focused on social media. Appearances have been made into EVERYTHING.



I like to cook, I made some gourmet stuff, that probably could be a shiny example on social media if I took the time to photograph it. I made rice noodles with chili sesame oil, vegetables and chicken just the other day but I wanted this meal for me and my husband. I didn't feel like sharing it with the world! Something is wrong with this, where people photograph every meal, in this commercial a boring potroast, isn't this the height of narcissism to have people think everyone wants to see every meal you eat, like those muk-bang people?

Anyhow back to the ENVY. It's a sin I struggle with.  Facebook often makes me feel even more like a "failure" or "jealous" and like I am "not enough".  Does it do this to you? Even if I remind myself these people on Facebook are all presenting their best sides, hiding divorces, drug problems, and even worse,  still Facebook can be a negative experience.

 I have not attain certain things in life the majority of late 40 somethings have managed. I'm an "outsider" to societal norms.  Facebook lays this burden on me pretty heavy.  Because of my Aspergers and serious physical problems I fell way behind at around age 20 and never caught up. I missed developmental adult milestones. Facebook for me is a reminder of those milestones I missed out on.  Stunted by Aspergers, super-fatness, my life did not take the normal trajectory. When one is in their thirties there is some slack given for being a would be late-bloomer, start approaching 50 and well, you're a "wash-out" to regular society. I have to work on myself day and night as people know on this blog to erase the words "failure" and "loser" that shout through my mind as an inheritance from my abusive toxic family. I tell myself "Don't compare yourself to others, they are not dealing with what you are dealing with. They had loving families, their lungs worked, they were not short of breathe the last two days, their bodies worked, of course their lives will be very different."

 Many things on Facebook can trigger me. I doubt I am the only one this happens to. I fear that place for anyone with challenges.  I see people with pictures of loving family reunions where the people all love and like each other but inside, I wonder about people who post endless pictures of them smiling next to family and friends. It is like they are putting themselves on display for a life contest. Everyone's hugging and smiling and looking at the camera instead of EACH OTHER. Have you noticed this? If you are having a real fun or loving visit while invite outsiders in for a view all the time? I know some simply want the memories but even there a line can be crossed.

Classmates who seemed to have blessed idealized lives from high school graduation on populate my Facebook feed. I wasn't super close to anyone in high school but allowed around 11-12 acquaintances on as Facebook friends. Some are very nice people but they have never faced milk crates or boarding houses or too many ramen noodles. They all married young, had 2-5 children and those children are all in their 20s now, and successful. The one high school classmate who was scared away from being my friend by my raging father, went on to get a doctorate degree, happily married by the early 90s and had 7 children. Her loving family even of origin embraces her in endless public photos. All my other classmates save for one gay one, and a divorced one all seemed to marry by age 21. Everyone is securely employed and they are dentists, system analysts, attorneys and other professionals.  My childhood best friend from the Washington DC suburb I lived in until I was 13, became a high paid attorney, same for a next door neighbors daughter who became an accountant and married a high paid accountant husband. A few had secure factory and tech jobs they never got laid off from.  Knowing demographics, surely some ended up poor. I guess they aren't on Facebook. It's impossible that every classmate of mine ended up wealthy especially since the economic collapse of 2008.

Most are grandmothers and grandfathers showing off their cadres of grandchildren in lavish green gardens, fishing on boats, planting flowers in their huge suburban yards. People taking vacations, to places I could only dream of. Kentucky, Maine, vacation homes, Mackinaw Island and overseas. I guess the broke people aren't going anywhere and not posting on Facebook either. Isn't Facebook a comparison game? If one thinks about the materialism and consumerism, of "Keeping up with the Joneses". In the old days people only saw the new car in their drive-way or new gazebo in their yard, now one sees on Facebook the entire LIFESTYLE they feel they have to attain to be equal. If anything Facebook has promoted this. It's laid the pressure on for conformity that way to acquire, succeed and "show off".

I told my husband one day, I want my life to be for us, and don't want to share all parts of my life. Yeah I know maybe I am being a hypocrite since I blather on about life and personal aspects of it on this blog, and maybe even I have gotten caught up in the sharing society to an extent but there's something creepy to me about all this, where people are showing off their lives to each other like "presentations". Life contests, whose got the best life, whose the most loved?   They aren't talking about anything real in a lot of the cases but doing a "life presentation". 

I had one local guy who I inadvertently offended with one non-politically correct opinion refuse to befriend me on Facebook, he had 4,000 "friends", that told me, I probably wanted to stay far away from him anyway. I think when someone crosses a certain number rubicon, they are collecting friends like trophies to signal their "worth". No one on this earth has 4,000 actual "friends" it would be impossible.

Even the family stuff seems to present children and relatives like trophies, all lined up. I wrote about the narcissists treating children like possessions and "trophies" and acquisition signals, of "worth". I see this all over Facebook. Parents constantly post on little Johnny's good grades. One narc ex-wife of a cousin, even slapped up her straight A student's entire report card. Children who present well are pictured all over the place. I don't mind memories of children and have a few friends who shows them and their kids doing fun stuff and taking trips, but that's more for memories then the show off stuff that concerns me. When they post report cards, something has gone off.

Facebook did wake me up to my family, in some ways. I wrote about how my mother would have pictures taken of her standing next to various relatives, who were all thin. There she was smiling showing off relatives as trophies. I noticed Aunt Scapegoat never appeared in ONE photo standing next to anyone in the family, they always relegated her to some table alone. Pictures can expose a lot about people. When I examined my photos, I saw the mean looks my family gave me and realized when I took a photo of any relative, they never smiled. My mother's Facebook account, had endless memes of "I love my grandchildren" and "I love my daughter" [my sister]. It was all shallow. Family as possession, family as trophy. My sister never posted activities with her children but only achievements, her son becoming an eagle scout, her children getting Catholic school medals from the bishop and more so.  Breeding bringing worth, children counted same as stocks and bonds.

Everything becomes about status in an appearance oriented culture think about that.

I often have the thought lately, I wish I could have a real world social life instead of a virtual one. I used to blame the online world dominating the real life one, due to my being disabled but now this many years in, I see the virtual social world becoming more important to everyone. Real life socializing has gone down the tubes. I notice very few people talk to one another in public, everyone's staring at their phones or on Facebook. Meeting people has gotten far harder. While I care about online friends I have met and consider them REAL FRIENDS, I usually take them off Facebook into email at least for a more real conversation. These developments worry me. Facebook while making meeting up with people easier, and keeping contact with long distant people a far more simpler prospect seems to be breaking down social connections in everyday life. I miss even just the way conversation used to be.

So I have serious concerns about Facebook. I won't end my account because there are friends I do want to keep contact with there and I have the whole deafness and PM thing to take into account but I think I am going to be lower my participation. I have to for the sake for my sanity.

Are Americans Forced to Act Happy Too Much?

some of the philosophies that cause us trouble. {the message being if you got a lot of weeds, it's your fault}

I sometimes wonder if my real ethnic ancestry is one where the people tend to be more emotional.

You know wave your hands, cry and write sad poetry. Some groups of people in the world are more known for open expressive emotions. Some will say this is a nature vs. nuture thing. Maybe this is why I didn't fit in with my closed mouth stoic narcissistic family. There was never any hand waving or open laughter or much expression.

I imagine myself living in a small village where I could have been an artist, and shared emotions from good to bad. I don't know where this idealized view of life came from. Maybe some will think I am cracked with these weird visions of life. Am I Hungarian? I'm guessing based on my looks. What am I? I once thought whatever I am, it doesn't fit in with the people I grew up with.

Same for American society. This place is getting crazy.

There is all this focus in America of being the closed mouth, smiling, happy, "winner". It goes along with the "Think Positive" stuff I've talked about on this blog.  I wanted to share some comments that other posts wrote when I posted this article:

Why You Never Tell People Your Problems. 

One commenter shared some ideas I totally agree with:

WELL, I AGREE that we need to have boundaries; but you are saying, because yer problems are not solveable, you can't get comfort and sympathy from friends.


THAT HAS become an "American-problem," I read in a depression work-book.this society wants everyone to not look unhappy,but BE CHEERFUL all the time.the book said,that's why we have such alcoholism, drug addiction,depression,and self-destructive behaviors. this society is WRONG. --IT WAS ALWAYS OK,YEARS AGO,for communities to share problems,get support,give comfort,help each other--And BE THERE for each other. NOW you have to call a "support line" or "suicide-help-line" and talk to them.there's often no family support--and/or community support. the SOCIETY IS SICK. SICK SICK!!you should still be able to get comforting, sympathy,support from friends, clergy,rabbis, for yer problems. it is the society that's sick and cruel,not you. Even the depression book said that!!our society is sick,.and cruel!!hey, you want to call me,or complain on my blog, go ahead, i tell you my pains, you can tell me yours.i am not afraid to hear painful stuff.And a generous,caring person(s) does not flee from the pain of friends.When we share this stuff, it becomes less.I believe that. you could not talk to more reserved folks, but there are people who care, besides the scared people around. :)

I agree with the above. This is one reason America are one of the most depressed nations on earth. To have problems means you are a bad person. To be "negative" is the worse sin you can commit as you are told you must ignore what is going around you and always "make the best of it".  Yes here too, I'll tell you my pains and you tell me yours.  Many of us know what it is to be judged for not being happier and "together". Happiness has become a race in America pure and simple. We all want to be happy don't we but when happiness is a race isn't part of the point being lost?

Most of us melancholics, already inside struggle thinking, "We should be happier".  Inside we question the dark clouds that encroach upon our hearts. Sometimes we get our times, appreciating what we can. I appreciate my husband, and like doing art and watching movies, but then it gets tiring, we do get sad, and it's scarier being sad, when the world around you demands that you present a certain look and where honest emotions are so disdained.  I do things like take pictures of butterflies and try and enjoy what I can.

As a disabled person too, there is this unwritten contract, that I must always be an "inspiration" to the healthy and not overburden people with my fears and pain.. Depression as a whole is getting worse because everyone feels ALONE in their problems. How come there's no other poor people for me to talk to in person?

Many people are boozing it up and drugging it, to kill emotions inside so they can keep the demanded smile on their face and be well liked even though they are dying inside.  The commenter is right, now people pour their hearts out on support lines to strangers. They pour their hearts out on blogs like this one.

Many families in America especially narcissistic ones are no longer places of support and comfort but braggart fests where the cost of admission is an equal income and bragging about trophy, children, vacations and more. At least in the last Depression in America, you could admit a depression was going on. My commenter continued:

"Yes,if you're Jewish,"kvetching", complaining, is common ok among Jewish people.Everyone does it; you don't get condemned.Kvetching is almost THERAPUTIC.To kvetch,is to get the pain out,and having kvetched,the pain is less.People who keep stuff inside get sick from it.---is Jewish reasoning.


Research on surgery patients looked at pre-surgery patients who complained,were emotional,ect, before surgery, had better after surgery results, did better.Surgery patients who were very stoic,calm,said nothing,before surgery, did not do quite as well with after-surgery physical coping. So even surgery-research on complaining yielded these results. If you live in a culture where "kvetchng" back and forth between people is deemed NORMAL,and ok, you may have a culture that helps everyone get support,and catharsis,and everyone is mentally and maybe even physically healthier. 


Look at the physical health of the stressed, hard working person who is VERY WASP, very "corporate-modern",and always keeps up a happy face.Chances are,he may drink too much,or even be a secret drinker. Maybe he gets HIGH a lot with friends,even coke.His heart-health,blood pressure,and other physical problems, iike ulcers, indigestion,insomnia, ect., may not be very good. Having to "act happy,and cheerful" all the time is very wearing. A kvetching-culture may be a lot healthier.--for both the complainer and the sympathetic ear. And it works well both ways.The CONNECTION is healthy.

Oh this is true too. The "keeping face" stuff is making people sadder. When you always have to keep a front on and can't get real, how is that any good for anyone? Here too boundaries are important but now in our narcissistic culture even just admitting you have a problem is seen as a weakness to be preyed upon by narcissists. People aren't as relaxed or open with each other anymore. In the work world, yes, the "professionals" are told they must always appear in control. One thing that is happening is problems now get shoved under the carpet because people are scared of complaining or "looking bad' or making a mistake. What would a society be like where people could complain?

Here is another issue, one commenter raised that us ACONs can deal with.

"I have mixed feelings here. Part of the reason I've hit this problem as an ACON and trauma survivor is simply that most people are used to a 'normal life' that I don't share at all, and a lot of them are easily shocked at violations of that norm, especially when it comes to families. The most innocent conversation topic can be full of landmines. Someone mentions parents? Mine are dead. Oh, you're sorry? Well, my NF's death was overall a pretty positive event for me... My only alternative to letting all this spill out is to not say anything about my life at all.."

I wrote back a longer response but this is something I deal with too. One thing I believe that caused me trouble socially around here, is I admitted being an ACON in a local self help group. This was a mistake. Even other people struggling with depression even severe depression who have had normal loving families don't get us. During normal social small talk and other times, it can be tough. People are talking about their families, their children, their vacations, their jobs, and I've had that problem too, "What do I talk about?" I can talk about art a bit and like to listen to people talk about themselves but then what do I tell them? There's so many landmines and so much "bad" stuff showing--I'm on a walker, have a very disfiguring illness as bad as the Elephant Man in some ways. Just being there I'm already a Debbie Downer. Add in struggles with depression and I'm faking it to make it more then half the time.

Then add in the "Be positive or else" edicts they are unloading on people and it seems people are afraid of anything that is real or different or "too intense" and it makes social interaction harder and more difficult.

One thing that has occurred to me is the troubles of my last 8 years was having a life I built be dismantled and it's been hard to build another life. Back then my family was a non-issue, I was VLC and kept them off the radar screen but socially I could appear normal by saying "Oh yes I saw my mother at Thanksgiving". This NC process has been harder because in the last few years I have been dealing with abuse issues and the rest, I kept in the fog for years before but then it became more on my mind. I compartmentalized things during those earlier years and acted like things were normal when they were far from it.

Socially I have now taken the tactic of just letting people believe my family is deceased with new people. I don't want them there standing in the room anymore. They aren't in my life. Some may see this as dishonest but it's easier. I have to manage more of my own boundaries. In my husband's case, most of his family IS deceased as a result of World War II and his parents both dying in their mid 60s. Some local acquaintances and friends have asked me "Why don't you two have a family?" because I live in a very family focused area, where even single and childless people have cousins, aunts, uncles and others. Saying that one is estranged is actually too much information for most.

Years ago I wrote that I had a rule never to tell anyone you were an ACON unless you have known them for two years, and even now I am realizing that is not safe and not even many "friends" will even get it and people will indeed see you as the problem instead of your rotten family. People will naturally think, well if their own family hated them what good are they?. Our trauma and PTSD results and other things upset people. They do not understand and well, that is one thing I struggle with, knowing in some cases, I let a few in too far. When I am around people who can admit their faults, things for me socially are far better, but in a "saving face" group of people, I'm screwed because too many problems SHOW even through my physical body alone. If someone believes in the think positive edicts, things can fail there too because I feel like every word is being put through a screen.

It does feel harder to get close to people then it did when I was younger. I am not sure what this is about or if it is from some of my own problems, but I am old enough to feel like society changed in an insidious way. People could hang looser years ago. You could complain about your job or say the weather stinks or "Man I am broke this week" without judgment. You could be more real. Now it's like everything is measured and scripted and you always have to appear on top. It's kind of scary.

When Life itself in a narcissistic society becomes a "Bragging Contest" where one's own happiness is to be measured as to whether you are a good person or not. That is causing a lot of this nonsense. Did you know the Bible warns about the "pride of life"? [1 John 2:16] It's something I have thought about in regards to this. Happiness is not supposed to be a contest or a demand, in fact it ruins that happiness. It's like the smiles of people in a cult, "keeping sweet". If you don't like me because I am too melancholic, then that's no help to anyone.