"We Can't Find Any Adoption Records."
This brought serious tears. I sent out the adoption petition and within 4 days of me mailing it, the court called and told me, "We looked for adoption records going back to 1956, we could not find any adoption records." Now remember the court would not tell me if there were any records or not, so I had to send the petition in to find out ANYTHING. The lady on the phone was nice. She had heard of Lipedema and said, "Maybe it came through the male line?". Well there was no sign of it there. I was greatly disappointed.
I think it is sad, that the family never would answer my questions. No one would show me one early picture to end my wondering. I've never seen a picture of me prior to the 8 month old or so one. My empty baby photo album compared to my brother and sister's full ones still stands in stark reminder. By an early age, I would ask, "Where are all my pictures?" and would cry and never get any response. I still think something is fishy, with my family, I believe the court did it's best but know now I will never get the answers I so desired. One friend says I should call "Exploited and Missing Children" to see if some funny business happened, but 46 years later, that is too much time. One therapist theorized, my mother had an affair or even my father could have but I was taken into the family. Chances are I will never know and I have to accept that. While we may delve into the past to find out what happened, there is only a point you can take things.I can't beat my head on the wall wondering anymore. I hate feeling like she "wins" all the time. Missing out on important medical information is a blow too. Remember my thinking about wanting answers has been for my whole life. I never had the guts to go digging for anything before.
Part of me is nauseous even thinking I could be biologically related to any of them. No one is diabetic. No one looks like me. My brother is the closest but all these thin people it simply makes no sense. One thing I will say, if she has early baby pictures or birth pictures in her possession or that aunt does who refused them, they are unworthy of me ever speaking to them again for that alone. Her refusing to answer sincere and polite questions upon my Lipedema diagnosis, is one of the worse things she ever did. Please don't tell me to ask any for DNA, the controlled minions never would sign up. I plan to never speak to any of them ever again. At this point I think my best emotional option is to move forward. A happier future rests in letting this stuff go. It was important for me to know and I tried my best but can't let it eat me alive. There is a great loss in not finding a birth family that looks like me and may act like human beings.
![[picture source]](http://static.seekingalpha.com/uploads/2008/10/9/saupload_disappointment.jpg){kind=link}
{{{{Oh Peep}}}} I'm so sorry! Is there any way I can help?
ReplyDeleteYk, I feel it's really...strange you received a phone call instead of a letter in response to your inquiry. This is a business type of transaction so to speak and a phone call somehow seems really I dunno, unprofessional to me. I saw an article in the local paper here a day or two ago about some kind of-it sounds like a-volunteer group that works to reunite adoptees with birth parents and the successful reunification of a local woman with the baby she surrendered for adoption years ago through this "Angel (something)" organization. I do know both the birth mother and her adopted child (now adult) were both looking for each other and both had done all the right legal stuff to find one another but it took another 18 yrs. and a twist of fate for both of them to finally connect. Anyway, if you'd like I'll get some more info on this group for you if you'd like to consider another possible avenue sometime down the road. You absolutely don't have to make any final decisions right now as obviously It's gonna take some time to process all this. So much supports your gut feeling about being adopted. Besides, they're operating primarily from the assumption you were surrendered for adoption at the time of/the year of your birth as stated on the certificate and frankly, that's not at all necessarily true. When they say, "going back to..." I'm not certain how much effort was made or how experienced/resourceful the employee necessarily is, Yk?
Again, I'm just so sorry, Peep. None of us are ever responsible for the circumstances of our births, ever. Fwiw, my uncle spent decades in prison for an assassination attempt on a prominent public figure and I'm related to him as well as a soul murderess (or two, there's Nsis my full sister in my gene pool) so obviously it doesn't take a deep sea diver in my polluted pool to come up with some cruel, nasty ass people.
But we're NOT them. And because we're not, you better believe we have nothing in common with them besides some genetic material and that's absolutely not enough to ever allow them in our lives in any capacity.
They tore up their "family" card years ago. Acknowledging that Reality ensures they have NOT "won." We see the truth of them: Their insistence on Appearances is shattered by our absence in colluding with their faux picture of "family."
TW
I found the timing of the call strange, it was immediate, TWO DAYS after I mailed everything--it would have got there Monday and I was called WED or THURS. Things were complicated bythe fact I had a birth certificate via this jurisdiction. It was covered in weird numbers and had marks I showed it to a PI and Late Discovery Adoptee people to see if it was amended and they said yes. I got confused it seems they told me they never sent out amended birth certificates in this particular jurisdiction. They told me that.
ReplyDeleteOne friend even told me maybe my NM called in favors. LOL Not knowing if I am adopted or not and with a birth certificate they say is legit, I am kind of "stuck" in terms of using the adoption find your birth family websites. Also if they are looking for a certain name, that muddies the waters doesn't it? One person said try and get the hospital records but would they have hospital records back to the late 60s. Yes for now I probably will let it rest. There is the worry of me being related to at least one of them muddying the waters too.
Thanks TW, yes none of us are responsible for the circumstancesofour births. I believe spiritually in the Christian context, that a person can be totally divided from a rotten family and they are God's child first. Wow on the criminal relatives,I don't have any notorious ones well "yet" though I'd put this one cousin up for the running. You are right we are NOT THEM. Even if I foundout I was 100% related I was still planning to be NC. I agree
about the tearing up of the family card. Noone should hang out with people who make you feel awful. Thanks for saying that about them not winning. My mother is one sick individual,she had to know I was asking about my origins,but disrespect for me trumped everything else. Thanks TW.:)
If you have seen the movie "Philomena" it reminds me of the inconsistencies you are facing. A catholic church was essentially selling babies instead of offering people a legal adoption The guy (Steve Coogan) asks why every document that prevents her from finding her son has been "lovingly preserved" while every thing that gets her closer to finding her son was mysteriously lost in a fire.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DBPqcp6Hc4
I'll have to check that one out. I have had people tell me all sorts of funny business can happen and with the weird way the family treated me, well, I still think things are fishy as I wrote. That is a good question for that guy to answer. It seems a normal woman if her daughter was running about wondering if she was adopted would say, "No, I really am your mother, here is a picture of me and you when you were born or right after we got home from the hospital." The responses from other relatives was strange too. There are strong Catholic church ties to my family too.
Delete*hug* Peep *hug*
ReplyDeleteYou won, hon. You saw this thru as far as you could. Now you will see your life grow onward to your future. Any who cast you out or away are the true losers.
Thanks Daphne. Yes I went as far as I could. There's no new way to go at this conjecture and better to let it go. I am looking forward to growing on to the future. Yes they are.
DeleteJust want to let you know, I really, really, look like my mother, sound like her, but yeah, I'm with TW on this one, that is where the similarity ends. I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Oh that is what mother's eyes are supposed to look like." My mother has a big blank angry stare if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteYes that has to be disturbing to the ACONs who look like their narcs. I agree that is where the similarity ends. Their insides are totally different. I've seen the big blank angry stares. I even have one photo where she is angry and it is scary to see.
DeleteI don't mean to sound flip, but if I could muddy the genetic waters between my mother and I it would be a comfort.I am a mothers baby daddy's maybe. I have heard much removed that who sired me is a matter for debate. But try as I might I have accept that my birth mother is a homicidal sociopath. The best I can hope for is if they switched me at birth and before I was taken home.
ReplyDeleteThe way your mother carried on, I think your genetic waters as far as your father was concerned are pretty dubious. I know you definitely do not want to be related to her, well you are nothing like her and I am nothing like mine-biologically related or not. LOL about being switched at birth.
DeleteYou have your answer. Given the way you feel, it would always have been an awfully convenient solution if you had another family out there - it felt like you've been chasing a fantasy.
ReplyDeleteIf you think about it, just about all ACONs are related to our narc parents. That is one of the things we have to reconcile to; we are not like them, but we are of them.
I know it appears like it would convenient. However I have wondered since I was a child if I was adopted. I know appears odd that I pursued these things at such a late date. Why not earlier? While in the fog, I was too scared. I used to ask questions about my parentage when young, and they'd scream and yell and I withdrew. Even at age 10 I was wondering why I didn't look like any of them, age 20, why was my body so big compared to theirs--even when I was at a midsized weight and then supersized, and with extreme health problems, my life is unlike any of these people. I know AONs have to reconcile dealing with being related to monsters and realizing they are nothing like them. My adoption search was based in early suspicions too.
DeleteRemember too the Lipedema Stage IV diagnosis triggered this too, as no one in the family had it. Even lymphedema alone has major genetic components. Among others with lipedema most in their families had this condition. I am the only diabetic too, my suspicions mounted even more so but had existed very young.
DeleteHi Peep,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you got nothing from the court on your adoption petition. :( I agreed with others that you won and your so-called relatives lost for trying to hide information from you. You saw through their BS and cut them off. That's winning to me. Now you could move your love onward with people who care about you, including your husband.
I also wanted to add something. I reunited with my loving foster parent when I was 27 after nine months search for my biological parents via American Adoption Congress, a newspaper who wrote about my abandonment when I was an infant, and my adoption agency. I got nothing on my biological parents and dealt with covert narcs in American Adoption Congress who would not help me unless if I don't have emotions or if I was not looking for love. One narc investigator who helped some adult adoptees find their biological parent basically told me that I had to tell people that I was happy with my adoptive family, and she did not finish reading my statement on my adoptive narc mother. I was upset so I stopped contacting her for help. Another investigator who was nicer but quit helping adoptees to find their biological parents told me a year later that she talked with a narc investigator. The narc investigator knew I was upset with her and they talked about a nicer investigator to tell me to contact a narc investigator for help. When I contacted her for help, the narc investigator told me to find an original birth certificate and we could go from there. Then I reunited with my foster parent. At that time, I did not know about covert narcissism or that my adopted mother was a narc. I just knew about adoption laws, sealed records, and the legal terms of adoption, such as my adoptive narc mother was my legal mother. These are the laws and terms that infuriated adult adoptees who were abused by their adoptive parents.
Nowadays, with our knowledge of covert narcissism, I also know that most of abused adopted children were victims of covert narcs and I will need to educate people in adoption community about covert narcs who adopted and abused children.
Well, anyway, I am suspicious that somebody is hiding your vital information, whether it is from court or some of your health records. As somebody mentioned above, it might be your father's relative who carried a "long dormant gene" from 100 years ago, or one of your parent's had an affair with an outsider who carried the gene for the diseases and mysterious illnesses you have. I hope your doctors will figure something out and God will heal you.
Anyway, four months after I reunited with my foster parent and visited them for the holidays, my original social worker and a current social planned to visit me several days after Christmas to show me my adoption files and answer my questions. We had an appointment set up and then something strange happened on the early morning hours as these social workers were about to leave their offices. About two or three attorneys stopped them on their tracks and took my adoption files away from them, told social workers that I had to contact them for information because they did not want me to sue my adoption agency for placing me with my adoptive narc mother, and because they did not want to pay me restitution for my pain and suffering, loss, and punitive damage. My social workers called me and my foster parent to tell us that they could not contact us again without an attorney present. I screamed and cried. Then over the years, I noticed that psychologists who were involved with helping my adoptive narc mother closed their practice and/or lost their licenses, my therapists practiced longer until they retired or moved on in the recent decade, my adopted narc mother did not raise my sister's children, and other odd things I could not explain here. It was a sign that I won even though I did not receive restitution for a bad adoption.
Please take care and God bless. Enjoy beautiful spring weather and have a great summer this year.
Thanks anon, I am sorry I got nothing too. Thanks for saying I won anyhow. It is true I can move forward now with people who love me. I'd rather be alone then deal with those people again.
DeleteI am glad that newspaper helped you find your loving foster parents, I feel sad you could not find your biological parents but it sounds like you tried very hard. That is weird that they required you to be happy with your adoptive family. Narcs don't like any real emotions. I think it should have even been an issue. I am glad they found your foster mother. Did you even realize where you were born? Some of the adoption laws have been changed in some states but yes the sealing of the records has created much pain. In my case even to try and open them, I had to cite good cause which in my case of course was medical.
I think that people should be warned of narcs and covert narcs who will adopt and be abusive to children. I suppose the narcs slip through the psychological screening net.
I have wondered if some records have been hidden too, but am laying things to rest for now. I wonder about long dormant genes and affairs too. The lipedema had to come from somewhere. I suffered greatly being the only one with this illness in the entire family.
Wow the social workers, were going to bring you answers and then they were stopped? Do you think those attorneys were hired by your abusive narc adoptive mother? Or do you think it was the adoption agency running that show? I don't think much of adoption agencies, they seem to be the biggest crooks on the planet, since people have to be so wealthy to adopt. I wonder how much baby-brokering goes on in those places. They would know you would not have the financial resources to get your own lawyer, actually that sounds illegal too where you could not even represent yourself. Wow, you had to be so upset, I am sorry that happened to you. It seems to me your narc abusive adoptive mother pulled some major strings to me too. I'm supposing all those crooked people got caught by others and lost their practices. I am glad your sister's children were spared being raised by your adoptive narc mother.
Take care too, and God bless you. I have been enjoying the nice spring weather.
When you posted about the "family friend" who was a nun, I totally thought she could have been your birth mother. All that stuff about how you were supposed to take after her, etc.
ReplyDeleteInteresting...you know I had lingering thoughts along the same way wondering if it was a relative, or "family friend", you do read about those kind of adoptions. She used to visit a lot when I was young but then that stopped. She was my confirmation sponsor. She did focus on me more then my siblings.
DeleteEspecially because of her being a nun, it would be something that would be kept quiet, at least at that time.
ReplyDeleteA very good way to get the truth out of lying people is to talk to them in a way where you assume that what you suspect is already true. Instead of confronting with, "Was I adopted?" or, "Was so and so my mother?" you say, "How old was I when I was adopted?" or "How did so and so convince you to adopt be after she gave birth to me?" See, people who tell so many lies cannot keep track of what they may have revealed to you, so when you say it like this, they may do something like deny knowing how old you were, but then you would have some confirmation of your suspicion. If they still outright deny any adoption, "Adopted? Sorry kid, you're not adopted," then you haven't really discovered anything. I know you are no contact, and that may be a very good thing, but maybe there's still someone who might know.
The trouble with the nun theory is that she stopped being a nun, and after that I'd think she would have come to tell you the truth, but there could still be many other reasons why she would not want to tell you.
Peep, I'm so sorry you have been through the wringer like this. I also have lipedema and am adopted, and it's so hard when your body shape is very different from anyone else's and they don't understand why you weigh more despite everything you try. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI did find my birth family recently but have not met any in person yet so I don't know how much genetic connection there is. I suspect if I dig far enough I will find someone somewhere with that lipedemic build, but who knows? It was worth the search regardless.
Many blessings to you as you continue to search for answers. I hope you find some; you certainly deserve them.
Thanks Well-Rounded Mama. I am sorry you face lipedema too. In your case were you told that you were adopted? Yes seeing them all be of a different shape was a nightmare while torturing me over my weight. I hope you can meet your birth family and glad you did find them recently. Maybe there will be other lippies. God bless you too, I hope I do find some more answers definitely. Thanks
DeleteAs I read your blog, Peep, I keep seeing parallels to my own life. I'm adopted and my folks only had pics of my sibs, not me, in their house. I won't be looking up my bios because I know from all I've learned that it's far more likely to only bring me more emotional baggage and grief. You might want to look up what happens to adoptees after the happy reunion with their bio families if they aren't rejected outright before that. It's pretty harrowing, especially for females. That's just the way it is here on planet earth.
ReplyDeleteI have had adopted friends who didn't look up bios, I've heard stories of people not wanting to be found and some being disappointed so understand. Sure I'll go see what happens to them.
Deletehttps://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/magazine/i-found-my-biological-parents-and-wish-i-hadnt.html
https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/When-Long-Lost-Biological-Family-Contacts-You
read comments on both
I think some people go in with very high expectations thinking the shared dna is going to bring instant connection. :/