Monday, April 6, 2015
"You Still Have Your Self"
By age 5, I knew something was wrong. I know something was very wrong with the people I was around. I remember sitting on the front stoop crying my eyes out because I felt so alone. Already they were telling me I was wrong about everything. Remember my mother's friend who told me my mother never would accept me for being fat? She told me something else in 2001 too. She told me that my parents were upset because I "knew too much". Mouth of babes and narcs can be an explosive mixture perhaps. What did she mean by that? That I was seeing through some of the lies before any fog came in even as a little child? They hated me already seeing an inner light, the thing in me that would one day rebel against them perhaps. Maybe their inner demons poked pitchforks at them saying, this one will be written in the "Book of Life" one day. I know I explored the dark spiritual insides of my sister in an article called Sister Light, Sister Dark, but definitely the spiritual insides of my mother are just as dark if not far worse.
He is right about the narcissist parents lacking the inner light and love and how they focus on only the external reality. They do live in fantasy world. Yes they hated seeing someone seeking after truth who was a real person, even their own child. Smakintosh mentions the entire family systems turning on people [this includes him and myself of course]. He is wise to warn about therapists, one has to be very careful and find a therapist that understands this abuse. This can be difficult. I don't want to post about Dr. Phil again, but I just watched a show, where he told a beaten down victim of a narcissist to reconcile with one yet again. I fear sometimes that show is being used to excuse narcissism. This case was complicated as the victim had gotten into drugs and there were children involved with the narc mother taking over custody of them, but it was upsetting to see blatant narcissism yet again excused and covered up. I watch that show like a train wreck not for recommendation.
Wow on this sentence! "I think this is the most dramatic part of the abuse, this abandonment, this quote family who creates this illusion of love and care towards you--doesn't give a damn about you." It's weird, I was talking to a close friend this morning on the phone and I told her this was something I had to face, I had to admit I was strangers to them and when push came to shove, I know they didn't give a damn about me either. When I got sick in 2013, well I know I have been pretty sick off and on, I was afraid I was dying. None of them cared. They still wouldn't stop by even when driving within a mile of my apartment. This was a litmus test if there ever was one. Some ACONs in recovery may give in to that thought thinking their family will suddenly repent and show care if they were ever on their deathbeds, but it's simply not true. Take it from one who knows it first hand, they do not give a damn, and even if you are hanging on to this world by your fingernails and constant prayers to God, they could care less.
I'm at that point right now, facing that horrific realization. I am even concerned that some of my emotional-healing-no contact work right now is affecting my health with diabetes and my history of PTSD playing a few dance steps together. Recovered memories and just thinking about how my life went a certain way and the love I deserved but missed out on, has been difficult. I had to go mellow out at the nature center, visit a kind good friend and get a cool breeze on my face, and thankfully we were able to pay our bills this month and get some decent food, for a short time, otherwise I think I could have ended up in the hospital. I may tell my doctor of some of my emotional struggles, they know a few basic outlines and that I am estranged from my family and they can't trust the family medical information anymore and in me I do have to be careful not to let the emotional make me very ill.
This is facing that sense of loneliness and abandonment he mentions. Remember I have just gone no contact with the rest of them just three months ago, outside the few young ones, like the niece who emails on rare occasion. With her I have no expectations, I expect the others will influence her to have nothing to do with me as well soon. I am going to hit the two year mark with the main narcs in June. With the remaining family members, I left the Facebook accounts alone for now, but have hidden all posts not wanting one to call me over and over but have not talked to one family member outside the niece in emails since January. [No one tried calling me back not even my brother or to ask me why I have disappeared over the last 3 months]. I think my brother knows I am done with him ever since the present and house full of furniture brag-a-thon.
I had no one to talk to on a heart to heart basis in the family too. Smakintosh is right to ask about those wondering how can one have encouragement when your whole family kicked you to the curb? I believe the way out too is to embrace love in yourself and realizing you still possess yourself too. He is right about the family members still being caught spellbound and in the illusions of the abusive parents. We did love truth in coming out. I know my whole no contact has been bound up in my Christian faith and seeking after truth no more accepting their lies, or wickedness about this world. No more bowing down to the wicked.
I know my family is a cult, they don't own their own souls. My family is so controlled, I know I have shocked them even daring to cross the Queen. They are living a lie and following a lie. For some of us who it has cost us so much, even our health, it can be scary. This is not an easy world to be disabled with no family in. This is painful stuff. I often have prayed to God asking "Why me?" One can feel that pain deep in of having no family watching a world that seems to become more family oriented by the minute. It is better I have escaped and followed my own conscience and God, I see people having lost their very souls to these narc abusers and Thank God I was not one of them no matter the price.