Sunday, February 1, 2015

Fooled By My Brother

"Look at All My Presents!" I know you can't afford any!"
That caption wasn't posted with this picture my brother put up on a social website but the meaning was clear.

This article goes with this one "Conflicted About My Brother"

The more I think about things with my brother, I believed I got suckered and was big time. Even my husband says to me when we discussed all this, "Yes I would agree". Do any of you know of the new TV show "Better Call Saul", my husband says my brother is like him except without the jokes or the insight as to what rules he is actually breaking

I am an emotional sucker for the few crumbs they do throw out, even the nice ones, but even there it is for the sole reason of manipulation. I do believe too many [all?] learned from my mother too well. I am facing facts, my brother is selfish. He had the money to come visit me or let me see my nephews more. He simply did not care. While he has said nicer words to me, he learned the lessons on how to treat me too and the treatment isn't so hot.

I updated the Conflicted article in the comments, but that day when he called me and I thought he "cared" and I thought to myself at least this time he is not bragging about some new purchase, within HOURS, he wrote me on private message on a social website and sent me TWELVE photos of his new rental house with wood floors and the loads of new furniture. I estimate the value of the collection of new furniture which included three beds, a new long dining room table and chairs, 4 computer tables--he has a lot of computers, new couch, love seat, washer and dryer to be around $10,000-$15,000 dollars or so. This was of course just some time after his show-off of his Christmas bonanza you see above too which I did not respond to.

I didn't show my annoyance and laughed on the private message and asked him if he robbed a bank. He had told me he had bedbugs but had worked hard to earn all the money to replace all his furniture. I found this hard to buy. He does not make money to pay for all this. He sells candy with teenagers door to door from van. On the day he called me, he had called me three times. I had not communicated with him in a couple of months. As you know I have considered no contact with him too. Anyhow to my horror because of the way he tracked me down so incessantly, and remember how poor I am here, he really just contacted me to show these things off. It was a time he wanted to bolster himself. He just contacted me to show these things off! How did I fall for it again!?

He made constant promises when on the phone, with me the first time, he would have my nephews call on last Sunday, he knew I missed them and felt disconnected from them. I felt like they were used as pawns. Sunday came and went and no one called. Some may say "Why didn't you call?"  I had called before time always at the wrong time, someone was leaving the house, eating or getting ready, I also am done with chasing after people. No one called. Later I asked him if it was next Sunday they were supposed to call and he wrote back saying "Oh we were too busy". I let it drop and did not respond.

I used to be closer to my brother but I realize now the relationship is essentially nothing.  This is a fact I have to face even though it hurts. I do not think I am at fault I tried my best. I don't mean anything to him but as a mirror to reflect off too. It troubles me how he sees me as the audience to show off his better money to. He is still a few notches down from my sister and mother. This gave me a very lonely feeling and a lot of sadness. One commenter wrote, "He doesn't really see you", and this is true.

I highly suspect given my brother's poor rental history, the bedbugs, and the rest, that my mother got him the house and furniture and insisted pulling strings behind the scenes that I see all of it. He hasn't seen me in 5 years. His children are strangers to me. I ask "Why am I bothering?"


  1. It's true, he doesn't see you and I know it hurts to hear that. It is not big deal at all to have tons of presents, a nice home and furniture if all you do is abuse another human being. Jesus was born in a stable.

    Imagine if the situation was reversed, would you do that to him? You were both abused as children, and he can't connect to that anymore. It's sad to lose someone, I know. I still miss my sister, she was sweet and kind and has such a big heart. But she is taking care of mother, and I can't go there.

    God disconnects himself from these people, God gives them over to a depraved mind. In the second half of the first chapter of Romans. So God goes no contact? Yes, and He loves them more than we ever could.

    I don't think it helps you to see all the stuff he posts about his presents and his house. Only to brag. It's ok to post pictures about your stuff, but how crazy is it to show that much and to brag about it?

    I'm sorry you don't get to see your nephews.

  2. Yes Joan, you were the one who said he doesn't see me. Sadly it applies to the whole family and I am tired of trying if that makes sense and here I did try very hard. I agree what do the presents, nice home and furniture mean if you just abuse another human being.

    If our roles were reversed [I don't celebrate Christmas] but I would come for a visit with that funding around. I would buy presents. No I would not do that to him. He will admit the abuse happens but denies its effects and tells me I am wrong to have any feelings about it. I just can't take that anymore. He minimizes it and minimized me and made excuses for my abusers. He allowed others to put me down and ostracize me. Even if in his case he told my mother once it was wrong to drive within a mile of my apt and blow me off and did one weight defense most of the time he has not been there for me. He cut me off same as the others before I went NC. Yes it is sad to lose someone. I know I need counseling for how rotten all these relationships went and ending up NC from an entire family which really never was one to begin with. Sorry you lost your sister to your mother too. I will have to focus on God's family.

    I agree God disconnects himself from these people, you are right about that. None of them have any concept of eternity or what has deep meaning in life. Watching that is scary. I do think they do get given over to a depraved mind too. Agree about God going no contact.

    It occurred to me some time ago so much of his focus in our conversations was to brag about his possessions and new purchases. See the giant screen TV in the picture, he called me the day he bought that too. The materialism of my family is so so extreme. I definitely detected a pattern.

    I feel sad very sad about the nieces and nephews I have lost too, but I am not sure what to do about it. I can't beat myself up trying to send cards that are never answered for people I never see or writing letters and emails on those who treat me like I am radioactive at the behest of their elders. . As they get older they have even less interest and have adapted the way of the family.

    Not knowing God or caring about God, they are selfish and live for this material world. They do not care about growing old, or missing people or even seem to feel anything I feel and that is scary.

    I did have feelings for my brother, but I am realizing who he is today. I wanted to believe he cared and this set me up to be fooled.

    Thanks for your response

  3. I am sorry you are going through this. My sister and I stopped speaking a while ago after I told her that I needed her to put more effort into our relationship. She continues to have a relationship with my parents.

    I also come from a very materialistic family. Ironically, my husband and I are in a completely different economic "sphere" than them. My husband has his own engineering company, we live in a large home outside of New York City and a rental property, and everything we own is paid for outright. We pay more in taxes than their best year of income. However, they always acted like me leaving law school to have children (and having 5) essentially made me inferior poor white trash. I heard crap about "how will you pay for diapers" and about how I should abort each and every one of my babies until we stopped speaking. I heard plenty about how I spent "too much" on food for my kids from a woman who completely stopped cooking for me before I turned 12.

    I don't believe it comes down to religion, as my. Husband and I are atheists, but rather feeling a connection to the rest of humanity and not getting caught up in the petty mindset that controls some people. Yes, I like my nice things. Would my family be able to survive without the nice things and living a more modest lifestyle? Absolutely. Some things would be harder, but so long as everyone is healthy and happy- that is what matters.

    I once tried to explain to my mother that her issues with my choices actually had nothing to do with my actual choices but rather with her emotional baggage resulting from her childhood situation (poverty, being left alone while her mother worked, and perhaps feeling "less than" among her peers). Of course, that was rude. Some people don't want to be at all introspective. It is a shame, really, but you can not change them. You can only change your response to how you let yourself feel around them.


  4. Thanks Kate, I am sorry your sister cut you off too and is in with your parents. I am sorry your family is so materialistic. I know someone can do well but not be like that and glad your family is doing alright. I don't want anyone to face what I have in the economic sphere.

    That is scary they put you down for leaving law school, actually you probably did better just having children given they are writing articles about all the unemployed law students.

    I wonder if some of that is jealousy, wouldn't doubt it for your large and loving family.

    I agree it is better for everyone to be healthy and happy. I think there can be a level of poverty where it affects that but if people have their needs met, then it is good.

    I am glad you confronted your mother, my mother would do the "I was poor on the farm spiel" but she never got any compassion from it.