My subconscious is probably a mess from dealing with so much stuff.
Anyhow in this dream I wake up while laying in bed and my mother is sitting in a chair next to me. Of course my first reaction is to be startled and afraid.
The dream proceeds oddly, she is moaning and groaning like a haunting spirit
and then kneels before me, something that would never happen in the real world and says to me,
"I FORGIVE YOU!"
Of course I was annoyed by this twist on who should be forgiving who.
The dream had other creepy nightmarish happenings in it. At one point she opens her shirt, and her heart is outside her chest, beating, and she says, "The surgeons removed my heart".
Was this a symbol of her having no heart?
Having my dream world haunted by the machinations of narcissism was quite telling.
With the table turning of her saying she needed to forgive me for things, instead of the other way around!
No "excuse" is acceptable for being so damn & consistently abusive to you or ANY child decade after decade: NONE. Period the end. Even if she had decided to morph herself into a "surgeon," she did it to herself in any event. Now she wants tea and sympathy for the devil?! Tell it to Mick Jagger, maybe he's available ;)
ReplyDeleteYour "mother" never was and never will be anything but an abuser-and made that choice of her own free will at every turn over decades: For that she is ENTIRELY responsible.
Btw, the only repeat nightmare I ever had from childhood onward way beyond the typical developmental stage for night terrors "starred" my "mother" too...I thought that was normal for years. It is-for those abused as little ones. sigh. Another piece of the Legacy puzzle snaps into place.
Hang in Peep-you're processing major and chronic trauma here and stuff is gonna surface even in dreams for awhile. It's a IMO normal stage of grieving and the long term effects of trauma. I absolutely hear your distress-it'll pass (the dreams I mean) in time. Promise :-) It's really disturbing when they haunt your dreams as well as your waking hours. I bet you're exhausted.
IMO, you nailed the "Forgiveness" part. My Nsis magnanimously yelled, "I FORGIVE YOOUUU!" apropos of nothing, no provocation, nada damn thing. I had just spent a few *hours* with her (highness) and as I pulled away from the curb in my car she belts out this screeching declaration the last time *she* convened a summit meeting with me. HUH??>Oh, I get it! HAHAHAHA!!! Cue crescendo music and closing credits, now wide lens the camera shot to panoramic view as our "heroine" makes an ass of herself yet again on the curb of a busy city street.
Oh the DRAMA!!! Oh the EXCITEMENT!
Oh Nsis, the consistent jack ass/idiot.
(see why I never wanted to be in public with either of these harridan horror stories?! I despise one of their primo fortes, the huge public scene-UGH. Private was bad enough.) Once again, I messed up my "script lines" but no worries-she never noticed so intent on (what else?!) herself, the star, the legend in her own blind, hell bent on her own agenda.
Yet another demonstration of the reality they do NOT change-evah! But we do-once we get out of the line of fire and stay out. ACONs, better to break the mirror than have it broken over your hide-only for you to be picking up those sharp, cutting shards yet again. You shed enough blood for a hopeless cause. More than enough. Drop the rope and let 'em fall into their own self-created abyss.
Here's a shocker-they'll do just fine without you. If your presence isn't helping (c'mon now, be honest here with yourself, it isn't) your absence won't hurt.
And a thousand times better yet, you'll bloom after living your life in their intentionally custom created just-for-you hell.
t w
agree she has no excuse. Yes she helped those surgeons herself. I agree. She seemed proud of her heart in the dream which creeped me out. I have been given years of nightmares by them all. They ebbed away in my 20s but some have been reoccurring but this was a new one. I am trying to run away in many.
ReplyDeleteThanks TW for understand that processing of trauma here. It know it's deep stuff I am dealing with. Thanks for telling me it is normal. I agree I don't want them haunting my waking hours or my sleeping ones.
I am sorry you had yours scream I forgive you at you in the real world. This is a way to convinced themselves that they were the ones wronged as they have been so used telling others, that the scapegoat is the source of all their problems. Perhaps some scapegoats lured to deathbeds at hospitals and illness scenes have had this one pulled on them in real life.
Yes they love those scenes. Just like my fake cards, they are props in the drama. Mine is the martyr too in real life with the horrible fat daughter.
I agree about avoiding the scenes. Mine is less histrionic and more by stealth but she does scenes as much as biggest drama queen.
It is broken shards and blood shed for a hopeless cause. You got that right. The useless of trying and trying and trying. The wasted emotions on the emotionless. I quit.
I know I really don't matter in their lives, my lack of a presence to them, I am not missed. If you saw todays other post about her telling me "I would be begging for help if I were you" nonsense, her chatty Cathy constant visits and thousands spent on trips was quite apparent. There was some memes I saw out there, where they wrote that if my absence means nothing in your life, then it's better to walk. I can't remember the exact quote but hopefully you will know what I man. I agree anything is better then the hell they shove us in, with the fear and constant game playing and PTSD creation. In the dream even as she grabbed onto my ankles, screaming at me that I was horrible, I kept walking out the door.
Ahhh! You kept walking. Progress!
ReplyDeleteYes, I saw them all and wrote a response to Mr. Peep re: Disability and lost it. Not good. Mr. Peep, ya gotta apply NOW or you'll be disqualified because you have run the clock out on your "current work quarters."
q, please help me out here and speak to my knowledge-re: ss disability requirements: I work with vets. I know whether you even are eligible to apply and you ARE. IF you get your app in immediately, OK? DO IT, Please!
Mr. Peep, PLEAsE apply now or you will loose all possible recourse. *Current* work quarters are imperative to be eligible and yes, you will be turned down the first time for a bunch of reasons some of which I got into in the response I lost; so many reasons you need to apply NOW. I will help if you need me.
Peep and Mr. Peep, never under estimate your own power=even though you thought and felt you had none, you possess it all. Please use it.
t w
Thanks TW
ReplyDeleteMr. Peep got turned down for disability in 2009. I worry about those current work quarters too. I don't know how they consider self employment. Do you know the time limits? Email me if you could TW, my email is on the profile. Thanks :)
I've been listening to some great classic Etta James the last few days-she can belt out ANY tune and bring ya to your knees. Ya know that old blues song, "I'd Rather Go Blind"?
DeleteUnfortunately, I think I have because I can't find your email anywhere :) Maybe it eloped with your Profile picture?! Or maybe it got involved in some kinda...."thing" with my missing keyboard letters?!
Help!
t w
Hey I should check out some Etta James. :)
DeleteHey I will just post email here: fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com
I know they do not make them always easy to find. Look forward to hearing from you.
OK-please bear with me-I've got some calls in re: free lance on the books (instead of off) and I should hear back in a week or so. The people I'm working with are off the books-by necessity.
DeleteHope I can get the letters of your email addy to work on my keyboard-as you know, I'm missing a few! I'll figure something out by then-
Thanks :) Hope you folks are at least keeping warm?
t w
Hey TW thanks. Hey when you get the time it's okay. I understand broken keyboards, we have to replace those all the time. LOL We have kept warm hope you are too. This winter is taking too long to end.
DeletePeep,
ReplyDeleteI had a dream around March 20, 2011 that was so disturbing that it felt more like a warning. In April 2011, we changed our locks to our house since she had keys and immediately after that dream, I found someone to watch my baby the two days I went to work.
The dream was centered inside my NM living room. At the front door (in the threshold) was my brother and his wife, who at this time was over 6 years no contact. He was asking me to leave with him, and instead of leaving, I stayed. I stayed because I didn't want to hurt my mother in any way. After my brother and his wife shut her front door, my mother then proceeded to go into a rage, screaming at me. Sitting next to my mother was my deceased father, who was there but whose image flickered like old fashion home movies from the 70's. My father was a projection, sitting loyally beside my raging mother, and offered no help, kind of like in real life.
I finally screamed that I didn't have to take this, that I had a husband and my own family, and as I turned to walk out the door, I found myself falling backwards before her feet. Then she jumped on top of me, and began laughing. She would say some creepy-type of child-like rhyme, I couldn't make out exactly what she was saying but it was and felt entirely evil. Then she put her hand over my mouth and as she did that, I knew in my mind I was dying as she was laughing whe chanting. I knew I was dying b/c the room was turning black and I was losing consciousness. I remember jumping out of bed, heart racing.
That dream was almost four years ago, and I still remember it vividly, sparked by your blog post. I wonder if this is a common occurance with ACONS going no contact?
wow that is a scary dream. :0
DeleteI wonder if the dream was a warning. I wonder if mine was a warning too. I felt like she was dragging me down. I woke up sure that any smear campaigns are in full throttle. I had one dream where my mother was full of demons too. That was another nightmare [maybe meeting reality?]
Sorry about your father sitting there and enabling. Mine has popped up. Sometimes he is the villain--I am in danger and running away from, some real memories get imposed there. I dreamed a lot about the first no contact scenario when my father in real life threw paint cans at me and tried to harm me. In other dreams he is like your father. Mine never wavers from full slavish support either and didn't in life. I've had the dreams where they have threatened me with separation from husband, one dream where they had guns out and tried to shoot me dead, etc. Mine jumped on top of me in a dream like you, in this dream, I was escaping and ran into a car and drove away [I often am thinner in dreams with normal mobility] and she had the demonic power to keep up with the car and pop up in the seat next to me. I probably could write horror movies from my dreams. I think we are processing a lot of PTSD stuff from these people. I have had nightmares about abuse for years. It wasn't all the time until recently going NC, but even when I made my first escape it was all the time. You know your parents sucked when they fill your nightmares.