Friday, January 23, 2015
So Conflicted About Brother
Something I wish for with my brother. Am I hoping against hope? Is this an impossible dream? It never will happen with my sister. Sometimes I seem on the verge of waking him up. Sometimes not. It has created great conflicts in me. My brother was scapegoated by my mother too and is ostracized by the family to a degree as well, as I wrote about before.
If I sound double-minded about my brother, and you see the conflict and contradictions in posts, yes I admit it. On one side I think forget it, I've been hurt by too many who always took her side and he has some major faults I am mindful of. We all have faults of course. On the other side, I think, we were so close once upon a time, and he does seem to care. He gets upset when I disappear [well unlike the others who only PRETEND to care with their fake cards].
Flying Monkeys: Low Contact or No Contact
I talked to him again, but I am being careful and protecting myself.
Sometimes he seems to care, we were close when we were younger. He is the only one who before even noticed I was alive. He is telling me this weekend he is going to have his kids call me. I think he will keep this promise however I'm making sure I am not as emotionally invested as I was before. He does talk to me about personal stuff unlike the other ones though I am guarding my information making sure I don't tell him anything new to go back to Queen Spider for now. I find myself wishing she was not hoovering as a cloud over every family relationship.
But then I always worry, is she sending him as a flying monkey. Is he coming to talk to me because I've not been around a couple months and actually cares and is reacting to my pulling away or did she tell him to do it? I hate feeling this way and always having to second guess motives. Was I wrong to give him a second chance?
Him and his girlfriend told me they both missed me. Trust me none of the narcs would ever tell me that. My sister and mother don't miss anyone.
He knows something is wrong with her but he is still afraid of my narcissistic mother and that's the problem. He didn't defend me to her, and I still don't understand why and it bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if I border on paranoid thinking of her controlling everyone. I know she does to an extent most definitely but it's hard to know where to draw the line. He told me he hasn't talked to her in some time not in a "We are on the outs way" but "She has been busy at her vacation" home sort of way.
There was an interesting moment on one phone call, when I told him, "They have ostracized you too, and he said, "Your problem is that you care! I don't care if they do or don't!". I stood up for myself and oddly he backed down and started relenting. I told him, "I am not you and not going to take abusive treatment". "I'm not going to say it is okay". It is unfair of you to expect this of me. I am a different person then you!"
I do think he lives in a denial about his own abuse. It is easier to deny it happened and keep from rocking the boat in his world. The thing that confuses me is sometimes he seems to listen to me and then draws back but then I'm too tired to battle to get others to see the narcissism and the damage done to so many others. It's creating some cognitive dissonance in me. With Aspies, we can't always read others very well, this makes it harder.
Some of this stuff gets so complicated my head hurts. I will take one step at a time. With narcs too, there is so much triangulation and so much confusion too. I still care about my brother. That is the problem. I want to fight for people and not have the Queen Spider win everyone over and leave me standing alone. Maybe this is breaking every no contact rule. Maybe I simply am banging my head on the wall uselessly against the narcissist behemoth. I guess this is how I feel right now about it all. I have to protect myself and figure this stuff out all at the same time. Why is it always this hard?
My Brother Trained by the Family System.