Something I wish for with my brother. Am I hoping against hope? Is this an impossible dream? It never will happen with my sister. Sometimes I seem on the verge of waking him up. Sometimes not. It has created great conflicts in me. My brother was scapegoated by my mother too and is ostracized by the family to a degree as well, as I wrote about before.
If I sound double-minded about my brother, and you see the conflict and contradictions in posts, yes I admit it. On one side I think forget it, I've been hurt by too many who always took her side and he has some major faults I am mindful of. We all have faults of course. On the other side, I think, we were so close once upon a time, and he does seem to care. He gets upset when I disappear [well unlike the others who only PRETEND to care with their fake cards].
Flying Monkeys: Low Contact or No Contact
I talked to him again, but I am being careful and protecting myself.
Sometimes he seems to care, we were close when we were younger. He is the only one who before even noticed I was alive. He is telling me this weekend he is going to have his kids call me. I think he will keep this promise however I'm making sure I am not as emotionally invested as I was before. He does talk to me about personal stuff unlike the other ones though I am guarding my information making sure I don't tell him anything new to go back to Queen Spider for now. I find myself wishing she was not hoovering as a cloud over every family relationship.
But then I always worry, is she sending him as a flying monkey. Is he coming to talk to me because I've not been around a couple months and actually cares and is reacting to my pulling away or did she tell him to do it? I hate feeling this way and always having to second guess motives. Was I wrong to give him a second chance?
Him and his girlfriend told me they both missed me. Trust me none of the narcs would ever tell me that. My sister and mother don't miss anyone.
He knows something is wrong with her but he is still afraid of my narcissistic mother and that's the problem. He didn't defend me to her, and I still don't understand why and it bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if I border on paranoid thinking of her controlling everyone. I know she does to an extent most definitely but it's hard to know where to draw the line. He told me he hasn't talked to her in some time not in a "We are on the outs way" but "She has been busy at her vacation" home sort of way.
There was an interesting moment on one phone call, when I told him, "They have ostracized you too, and he said, "Your problem is that you care! I don't care if they do or don't!". I stood up for myself and oddly he backed down and started relenting. I told him, "I am not you and not going to take abusive treatment". "I'm not going to say it is okay". It is unfair of you to expect this of me. I am a different person then you!"
I do think he lives in a denial about his own abuse. It is easier to deny it happened and keep from rocking the boat in his world. The thing that confuses me is sometimes he seems to listen to me and then draws back but then I'm too tired to battle to get others to see the narcissism and the damage done to so many others. It's creating some cognitive dissonance in me. With Aspies, we can't always read others very well, this makes it harder.
Some of this stuff gets so complicated my head hurts. I will take one step at a time. With narcs too, there is so much triangulation and so much confusion too. I still care about my brother. That is the problem. I want to fight for people and not have the Queen Spider win everyone over and leave me standing alone. Maybe this is breaking every no contact rule. Maybe I simply am banging my head on the wall uselessly against the narcissist behemoth. I guess this is how I feel right now about it all. I have to protect myself and figure this stuff out all at the same time. Why is it always this hard?
My Brother Trained by the Family System.
Peep,
ReplyDeleteI know what you are going through, the cognitive dissonance you talk about, how your head hurts just figuring this all out. Our Narcs, namely mother and sister, possess a charm, sheen, charisma that can put spells on other family members and mutual friends. One of the hallmarks of a sociopath is their thick charm. Some describe it as intoxicating. My mother and sister love to host large parties, and will volunteer their time, their houses, their talents for others who they deem worthy or who possesses influence, power, future utility. One of the reasons they extend themselves the way that they do is to induce loyalty and flying monkeys. Another reason is to have the vantage point to observe future sources of supply - what are their strengths and weaknesses. They don't do anything for altruistic purposes. This is what we're up against Peep. Being an Aspie or socially awkward, which many ACONS are, myself included, can never win the influence game. It's not fair Peep, but it's the truth. My sister has never said a kind word about anyone. She has ripped on brother and his wife so badly, even my mother-in-law witnessed this. Yet, she hosted, paid for, cooked a beautiful wedding for this same brother at her estate. These bending-over-backwards demonstrations is for manipulating reality and the flying monkeys' perceptions. In Proverbs, there are numerous warnings about duality - warnings about flattery and kisses but their heart is full of hatred for you (paraphrasing here).
By the time I went NC over 3 yrs ago, they could no longer hide their contempt and hatred. My mom would do this thing that would leave me feeling creeped out. When we would greet each other, she would have this creepy smile and stare at me for longer than what is normal or natural. It felt like a cat and mouse game. Later I would learn this is something sociopaths do...a gleeful, joker smile, no emotion. It's like seeing a glimpse of the evil that hides underneath their public persona.
Hi Anon, Yes my head hurts.
DeleteLater I sat back and realized "OMG, he did brag to you, you know". Was he really thinking of you or did he have this huge desire to brag? On phone calls I refused to hear any bragging but on private message and promise of calls from nephews supposedly that is coming today, he sent me a dozen pictures of his new rental house and new furniture and got me into a discussion about it. He knows I am poor, his furniture looked nice but I wondered how he afforded it all and kept thinking, maybe this is more games by proxy. Did Queen Spider outfit his house? He didn't tell me she did, but how did someone with no credit outfit an entire house with all new furniture? He had gotten bed bugs and disposed of a lot of things. So I am conflicted like crazy, is he being nice because he cares or does he just want to show off? There are so many personality and other issues I can't keep up with and as an Aspie I can't even keep track, you are right about that. I do. Part of me thinks I may have to break away from him just because of his connections to HER, he is a conduit of information, but it is painful as hell. I fear making a mistake, and cutting off a few who may "care" and being overly-paranoid. I am not sure what to do, so keeping him on a very low contact level. Keep in mind the context that I walked from over a dozen people. Even with him I wonder what is lies and truth. He told me one uncle wanted to invite me to the family gathering this year but that he told him I would never go.
Mine definitely has sheen and a charisma like yours. My GC sister doesn't have any charm, she just doesn't bother. I figure she was taken care of most of her life, so never felt the need. Though I wonder when she inherits my mother's money and has control of her own funds if this could change.
My NM is seen too as the one in control and someone who can fix any problem, seriously. The almighty voice of reason. Hey when you have money and sociopathy to fix every problem? Mine would throw big parties at office and home. Oddly I noticed this year she bowed out of the Christmas party for the family she is usually involved with. However this cast a spell on family members. She paid for trucking school, kept Aunt Scapegoat afloat--hey this is why one cousin wrote an essay for school about what a "hero" she was, was another nieces confirmation sponsor. In the middle of everything and anything. Mine never showed me any charm, usually just looks of disgust, but I noticed how others flocked around her, and desired her good opinion of them. She always had a LOT of friends. I don't know how close any of them were, but in her neighborhoods and offices she was Mrs. Popular. Imagine that with an Aspie. She would sneer at me for having too few friends or criticizing the few I ended up with, and say things like "No one likes you!"
continuing....
So yes my NM used her big house, her endless money for groceries and party supplies to win the affection of others. Me with my little apartment and lack of cash could never measure up. Oh sheesh, this reminds me of something my brother told me very recently too, "Why don't you have your own party, and invite some of our relatives to come visit? Maybe some of the family would come visit you then!" "I would come" I found that strange because he refused to come on any one on one visits, though my fear of bedbugs and MRSA have kept those at bay anyway but sounds like more of her programming. Maybe she is wondering if I won the Lotto or something since I cut her off and he is trying to gain information there, "is Peep still poor?", I just went mmmhmmm but that sounds like a fishing enterprise to me. He said, "You could hold it at a restaurant". Like I have $1,000 dollars to have a family event for people who never invited me? Insane.
DeleteMine resented her events behind the scenes. During the speech censorship fight, mine wrote back that she was sick of doing all this work and no one appreciating it. Boo Hoo, WAH. Like I was supposed to feel sorry from my hospital bed that sits in my bedroom for a woman who may have to bake a few canapé's or make some macaroni salad? God she makes me sick!
My sister hates everyone too, maybe yours doesn't feel the need to lay on the charm. I worry my sister will ascend when Queen Spider dies and grow in power and charisma. Oh sure, my mother ripped people apart who later all kneeled before her. Some I even warned. Even my brother. If he got his new house of furniture from her--I'm estimating the costoff it all to be at least $15,000 dollars from the pictures including a new washer and drier, 4 new beds, dining set, couch and love seats and recliner, computer tables, dressers, etc maybe he was so into contacting me to show off his rewards for his "obedience". This is someone with more money then me but who has gone to my mother to pay his rent and light bill, usually he isn't this flush, and I know he does the same things for a living. I can see NM enacting a kind of show like this. Please tell me readers am I paranoid? Will I be throwing my brother to the curb out of paranoia or am I reading things closer? I had to sit back and think, Does he ever call me unless he has something to show off? Will he keep the promise to call today with the nephews? I can go a two or so months not worrying about him after today, when I say LC I mean LC, but the next day is coming around. So I think of "bending over backwards demonstrations" and yes my head is confused. I know the narcs are doing the duality thing but all of them? Maybe so.
Here's how it looks in my family, she's got them all fooled. I am the "poor", "fat" "loser" while she is the wonderful lady with the giant house, new cars, nice parties, nice presents, smiling face. She is the poor martyr who had to suffer having a severely obese daughter. I couldn't win....in that scheme. Ah the evil smiles, I saw them. Remember mine are sending me fake cards, just so they can look loving to others. Yes they will do the staring thing. I avoid eye contact being an Aspie so this didn't happen to me as often but it could. The sneers were horrendous. I got a few in pictures, wish I could show them here, they are so bad. I have nightmares about her sneers.
Glad your NC is going well.
In this it looks like your brother doesn't see you. The party thing, he's not pretending to not notice you, he just doesn't. I think you did describe your situation to him once, but he has chosen to be blinded. That is a narcissistic trait, described by Anna Valerious.
DeleteIMO I think your brother does love you, but he will not get rid of Queen Spider from his life and is kinda blaming you for not reaching out to her.
Of course he is telling her everythng, he had to do something to get that furniture. And just by asking you to throw a party, he is trying to find out if you are still poor. She is asking him to find out. It's almost a con game. It is a con game. There is even a name for it I'm sure. Ask you to do something, and see how you answer. Is it called bait and swtich?
Sorry to interject here, I just noticed this. So yeah, either he does't see you, or he's playing an old con game with the coaching of NM. or both.
Btw, as if she is the poor martyr for having a severely obese daughter. I could see my mother doing this. And my mother is the martyring kind.
I think you are right he does not "see" me. Even with him though it is not as bad as the others it is like talking to a brick wall. He never called or had nephews call as promised and told me he was busy and fell asleep later. I think he has some feelings for me but he is totally controlled by Queen Spider. I agree about him telling her everything and the furniture and new rental house being his "reward". I would say it is bait and switch. Thanks for pointing that out. I think he could be doing both. She had a way of getting people to do stuff without them even being cognizant of it. That's horrible you had to deal with a martyring kind too.
DeletePeep,
ReplyDeleteI recently had a breakthrough last week with my therapist. He deduced that my NM may of had an inappropriate relationship with her stepson, my half brother, who is only 14 yrs younger than my NM. I learned at 32 years old some things that had an innuendo effect. I will not utter it here. But my therapist gathered, and I agree, that my mother fears him, and will do anything to pacify him. He said my mother used me, manipulated me, pulled me into a chaotic nightmare to prove her loyalty to him over me, her natural child. My half-brother is 19 yrs older than me. Anything I know about him is from what my parents say in both verbal and non-verbal means. My NM set me up one weekend, when I was in town visiting them alone, without my husband. My half-brother, who kind of scares me to be honest, kept calling my parents, wanting to pin-point my location. On Sunday morning, he showed up while I was having coffee with my parents. He said I heard you were talking about me. Instead of throwing my mother under the bus, I took the heat and told him all the things I have an issue with. This was like kicking a hornets nest, and I have suffered a nightmare after this day. My NM was playing both of us against each other, and sided with my half-brother, leaving me holding her bag. This is just the tip of the ice berg. I think my mother's biggest orgasm would be to manipulate someone to murder than feign innocence, something she does so well.
I wrote here before, and I'll write it again now, I take it as a warning when she told me more than once that she fears I will be murdered. Who says this to their child, a child who has always lived a low risk lifestyle? Having a covert psychopath for a mother I guess puts you in a high risk category. You would not believe the scary stuff I've been through beep. This is why I'm seeing a therapist today. I've experienced gang stalking, orchanized stalking tatics. This shit is real, and it happens when you piss off a sociopath who has connections. My family of orgin has mafia connections.
So sorry you went through that, and I wouldn't doubt a narc carrying on with a step son, that is pretty sick. Yes sometimes in our progression away from the narcs we see things in a different light and some things click together. Some things we merely suspect and then KNOW and FIND OUT while other dark suspicions come up to our minds, we have no way of proving. I have realized to what depths I was lied to about so much, and am horrified, even thinking here of the abuse I went through, what I suffer now and knowing that narcissism and sociopathy serves too many well in this society.
DeleteYes your mother is in a sick dance with your half brother, that much is obvious. Yes they play their sick games and I know I have been left holding the bag and with so many turned against me. I feel in an absolute no win situation now with brother, kick him to curb, have no family left at all, and no nephews but stay and get abused via proxy with instant information for the head narcs. I can't take it anymore sometimes. Remember the narcs love the fighting. They get gleeful over all the destroyed relationships and manipulating people. Yes listen to what your heart and mind are warning you of.
Man that is a warning. Who says that to a child?
That reminds me of my cousins threatened me. She kept it away from the legal levels, no saying "I am coming to kill you" but "Hmm will you swim with the fishes one day in that lake of yours"? Given my families connections I suspect with the mafia on that side of the family, I felt scared but honestly I think I shocked her, speaking back, instead of quivering in fear. My own body has almost killed me a few times and I've had gangbangers already threaten to shoot me in Chicago, so her threats were low on the totem pole, but one thing with some of us ACONs, is some of us do have to worry about physical safety. I write this blog needing bravery everyday to do it honestly because this blog alone would cause SEVERE NARCISSISTIC RAGE. Even without my name on it, they would know it was me, due to my rare conditions and circumstances. When I went NC originally I discussed safety issues with husband. I know my head sociopath has connections too. I am sorry you have been through scary stuff.
During my first NC I was hunted down by my NM. She found my address. They know where I live now which I hate. They do stalk. My brother told me my mother drove by my apartment building to see if my car was still here. She never knocked on the door or anything. I hope you get a good therapist and I will pray for your safety. I think I need one. I feel overwhelmed a lot lately, with my rapidly declining health, the poverty, grief, lost of family and the NC issues. One thing I understand this stuff being real more then you know and even the feelings of FEAR. I was afraid to go no contact.
Peep,
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I have very strong suspicions your brother is being used as a spy for your mom/sis.
Now I don't think this means you should cut him off without reason, but I would never tell him anything you wouldn't want repeated in a room with the rest of your family in it. Having even one person to inform of your life, or even simply mock and disrespect your desire to have total privacy from your mom is all it takes for a delusional narc to feel they still have something of the upper hand.
I wouldn't dump my brother if he was being used, but I certianly would be careful of my words and information. Who cares if the old bat is getting some sick kick hearing a few general tidbits from him? He seems genuine enough that he doesn't cut you off like your sister.
Yes I think he is being used as a definite spy. He even slipped up and said he was going to call her too. I have already been hiding posts on social websites and making sure not to tell him anything that could go back. Mine would love to know I have been so sick or broke and would gloat, so when talking to him I have acted like everythings just fine and kept it straight forward. I may just keep him very very low contact but understand I can't really tell him anything which is sad. He has cut me off to a degree. I haven't seen him in 5 years but with my sister it was far far worse. Thanks anon.
DeleteI think the key here is stay very low contact, and try not to be emotionally invested anymore. It is kind of sad, but what else can a person do?
ReplyDelete