Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Shoveling Out the Bad to Bring in the Good
I am learning to be more self referencing as I mentioned in one article. What do I mean by self referencing, it means I am holding my thoughts, beliefs and values first. Many Scapegoats often are told they must please others at any cost. This can set up a bad precedent in that the world becomes a weight on the scapegoat's shoulders. I'm tired from carrying it. Does this make sense?
Why is no contact feeling "hard" lately? I don't miss the ingrates. I feel relief. However an empty hole is standing where a family should be. I have funny dreams lately, in one dream, I have this nice aunt, she is around 15 years older and we sit at the table drinking tea. She loves me and I love her. The dream progresses with us having nice conversation. Not all my dreams are nightmares but that one was kind of funny to have. What did it mean? The imagination of the family that should have been?
There's no family for me. Queen Spider took them all away. She took away even my family I could have formed via her medical neglect of my health problems and treatment of my Aspergers. I don't miss them, but I grieve not having a family very deeply it is intertwined with reaching my late 40s and knowing no family of my own will exist either. It seems everyone "has a family" and while I thought I could deal with the childlessness easier as I got old, it has only gotten harder as everyone's formed families all bloom like a flower.
My classmates and others are becoming grandparents now, and this is only more painful looking at the lives and blessings they have. I try to remind myself even Job got his family back in heaven but this is some major pain I am carrying and do not know how to deal with. There's no books on ending up 40 something and without a family, career or other things that are supposed to make you an accomplished adult. I sometimes want to warn today's young voluntary childfree [I was involuntary] people.
Ok, I understand you do not want children and everyone is to make their own choices but go in it clear-eyed. The price goes way beyond avoiding the dirty diapers and disciplining, there's empty voids where your future grown children will be standing or your grandchildren one day. Of course the child-free movement is growing because the world has made it so hard to make a living, that if you can't take care of yourself as a 20 or 30 or 40 something, how are you going to take care of someone else?
Lately, I have faced a few people telling me to "get over" over the grief. Going back to the self referencing though I'm tired of squeezing my emotions and myself to please others. I need to feel what I feel, and what I feel is grief and sadness. I can't help it. These were feelings I repressed for years as I tried to hopelessly make things work with the narcissists.
However, in a way they are right, in my mind, I am telling myself too, "You need to move on", "You need to not think of them", "You need to do something with your life and get focus". So even as a friend yesterday tells me, "you need to get over it" and "move on". I said back to her, "I want a good life, isn't the best revenge living well?" I still plan to warn about narcissists, but I need to heal too.
I want to be happy and make others happy too, but how it is accomplished? This is where I feel frustrated as I wrote in the "Why is My Life So Rotten" article? Here I face some of my shortcomings borne out of health things I can't control and I have sat back and thought about what things will make me happy and change things for the better. Of course one isn't to just live life to make one's self happy but also follow integrity and God's Will. What makes me happy, those are bright spots, like doing photography, or short day trips, or other explorations in life. The best thing I can do is go find a happy life free of narcissists, and go and accomplish some things and be who I was meant to be. Can I have 20 years back? I need more time. LOL
I dream of things I would love to do. Even a trip or two would be so nice, to photograph some scenery, to do and see NEW things, but I feel tethered by an ankle, the ball and chain called Pay your rent and bills. We paid our bills this month and the insurance will be paid once, he gets 30 dollars in freelance, but there's nothing left. Maybe less responsible people throw caution to the wind and go out there and carpe diem [seize the day] and all that stuff but it doesn't work if you are looking at homelessness once you are back from your great hurrah! I want better for my husband too. If you love someone it pains you to see them suffer and see their life crumble. It happens to him, and it hits me.
Of course part of me is thinking "Oh my! you have the family in your comic, you are talking about them there too!" and then I sit down have one of those Aspie moments of wondering what I am doing and how I am doing it. However I believe in that project, it's like here, trying to sound a warning but with some humor in that project. I know I need to DO more and complain less but then I get thwarted on the doing end of things--fatigue, money, housebound, money lacks and then complain. It's not a good spiral. One gets stuck in a rut. My husband says, "you do a lot more then you know".
Maybe with time, I hope God leads me to a better place. My healing is taking some intense time here. I have fear and other things to face. What does God want for my life? What do I want for it? Surely something has to change for the better. I do follow the philosophy, that one should do what they can but there are a lot of things outside of our control.
Maybe with time and healing away from the narcissists, I hope my ability to be happy will grow. I blame myself for far too much. There is something inside me I have only begun to chip away at where I feel like it was all my fault and that I could have done something to make things not turn out the way they did. It wasn't my fault, I know this intellectually but I need to make it internal.
I hope my ability not to blame myself for the bad things that have happened to me or even not being able to have children will grown. I hope I will gain more clarity and focus in life in trying to get it together. Maybe with time around more healthy people, I will learn more ability to have contentment. Maybe I will learn how to manage things in a more healthy fashion. I want free of the clouds of depression and lost hope. While I have hope of heaven can hope for one's life on this earth be regained? It is a struggle.
I don't want to prove myself to anyone anymore. I want to put what God thinks of me first. I'm done trying to scramble for crumbs, and now maybe at this late age, I will grow into myself. I'm tired of feeling sad, and oppressed and cast down because of narcissists who filled my head with a bunch of crap. Now is the time to shovel it out. Can I? I hope and pray so. I need things to change.