Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Shoveling Out the Bad to Bring in the Good

I am learning to be more self referencing as I mentioned in one article. What do I mean by self referencing, it means I am holding my thoughts, beliefs and values first. Many Scapegoats often are told they must please others at any cost. This can set up a bad precedent in that the world becomes a weight on the scapegoat's shoulders. I'm tired from carrying it. Does this make sense?

Why is no contact feeling "hard" lately? I don't miss the ingrates. I feel relief. However an empty hole is standing where a family should be. I have funny dreams lately, in one dream, I have this nice aunt, she is around 15 years older and we sit at the table drinking tea. She loves me and I love her. The dream progresses with us having nice conversation. Not all my dreams are nightmares but that one was kind of funny to have. What did it mean? The imagination of the family that should have been?

There's no family for me. Queen Spider took them all away. She took away even my family I could have formed via her medical neglect of my health problems and treatment of my Aspergers.  I don't miss them, but I grieve not having a family very deeply it is intertwined with reaching my late 40s and knowing no family of my own will exist either. It seems everyone "has a family" and while I thought I could deal with the childlessness easier as I got old, it has only gotten harder as everyone's formed families all bloom like a flower.

My classmates and others are becoming grandparents now, and this is only more painful looking at the lives and blessings they have. I try to remind myself even Job got his family back in heaven but this is some major pain I am carrying and do not know how to deal with. There's no books on ending up 40 something and without a family, career or other things that are supposed to make you an accomplished adult. I sometimes want to warn today's young voluntary childfree [I was involuntary] people.

Ok, I understand you do not want children and everyone is to make their own choices but go in it clear-eyed. The price goes way beyond avoiding the dirty diapers and disciplining, there's empty voids where your future grown children will be standing or your grandchildren one day. Of course the child-free movement is growing because the world has made it so hard to make a living, that if you can't take care of yourself as a 20 or 30 or 40 something, how are you going to take care of someone else?

Lately,  I have faced a few people telling me to "get over" over the grief.  Going back to the self referencing though I'm tired of squeezing my emotions and myself to please others. I need to feel what I feel, and what I feel is grief and sadness. I can't help it. These were feelings I repressed for years as I tried to  hopelessly make things work with the narcissists.

 However, in a way they are right, in my mind, I am telling myself too, "You need to move on", "You need to not think of them", "You need to do something with your life and get focus". So even as a friend yesterday tells me, "you need to get over it" and "move on". I said back to her, "I want a good life, isn't the best revenge living well?" I still plan to warn about narcissists, but I need to heal too.

I want to be happy and make others happy too, but how it is accomplished? This is where I feel frustrated as I wrote in the "Why is My Life So Rotten" article? Here I face some of my shortcomings borne out of health things I can't control and I have sat back and thought about what things will make me happy and change things for the better. Of course one isn't to just live life to make one's self happy but also follow integrity and God's Will.  What makes me happy, those are bright spots, like doing photography, or short day trips, or other explorations in life. The best thing I can do is go find a happy life free of narcissists, and go and accomplish some things and be who I was meant to be. Can I have 20 years back? I need more time. LOL

I dream of things I would love to do. Even a trip or two would be so nice, to photograph some scenery, to do and see NEW things, but I feel tethered by an ankle, the ball and chain called Pay your rent and bills. We paid our bills this month and the insurance will be paid once, he gets 30 dollars in freelance, but there's nothing left. Maybe less responsible people throw caution to the wind and go out there and carpe diem [seize the day] and all that stuff but it doesn't work if you are looking at homelessness once you are back from your great hurrah! I want better for my husband too. If you love someone it pains you to see them suffer and see their life crumble. It happens to him, and it hits me.

Of course part of me is thinking "Oh my! you have the family in your comic, you are talking about them there too!" and then I sit down have one of those Aspie moments of wondering what I am doing and how I am doing it. However I believe in that project, it's like here, trying to sound a warning but with some humor in that project. I know I need to DO more and complain less but then I get thwarted on the doing end of things--fatigue, money, housebound, money lacks and then complain. It's not a good spiral. One gets stuck in a rut. My husband says, "you do a lot more then you know".

Maybe with time, I hope God leads me to a better place. My healing is taking some intense time here. I have fear and other things to face. What does God want for my life? What do I want for it? Surely something has to change for the better. I do follow the philosophy, that one should do what they can but there are a lot of things outside of our control. 

Maybe with time and healing away from the narcissists, I hope my ability to be happy will grow.  I blame myself for far too much. There is something inside me I have only begun to chip away at where I feel like it was all my fault and that I could have done something to make things not turn out the way they did. It wasn't my fault, I know this intellectually but I need to make it internal. 

I hope my ability not to blame myself for the bad things that have happened to me or even not being able to have children will grown. I hope I will gain more clarity and focus in life in trying to get it together. Maybe with time around more healthy people, I will learn more ability to have contentment. Maybe I will learn how to manage things in a more healthy fashion. I want free of the clouds of depression and lost hope. While I have hope of heaven can hope for one's life on this earth be regained?  It is a struggle. 

I don't want to prove myself to anyone anymore. I want to put what God thinks of me first. I'm done trying to scramble for crumbs, and now maybe at this late age, I will grow into myself. I'm tired of feeling sad, and oppressed and cast down because of narcissists who filled my head with a bunch of crap. Now is the time to shovel it out. Can I? I hope and pray so. I need things to change. 


  1. Queen spider? I love it! I always call my mother "The Barbarian" But Queen Spider captures her affect much better. Me and my sister still try and figure out how one person could do so much damage. I tried to fill the whole that having no family left with alcohol and other substances. But that couldn't and didn't last forever. So now I am keenly aware of the loss. I have the one sister in LA but in the end my mother even drove a wedge between myself and most of my my so-called friends. I also like this bit of latin. "Ex Malo Bonum" Out of Bad comes good. I got that from a movie called " Fierce People" Sort of a primer for living in the kind of families we were unlucky enough to get. These people seem to really be like a cancer. You radiate them here and they pop up there. It is impossible to contain them because we are too busy doing damage control from their last attack to try and out guess them and where they will pop up next.

    1. excuse me .........."hole"

    2. I came up with Queen Spider writing a poem about my mother. LOL. I like Barbarian too. I wonder how one person can do so much damage and exert so much control. I can understand substance abuse being a danger for someone dealing with these people. Yes they will destroy friendships. When I look back my mother tried to destroy any friendships she could and one of my friendships in high school was flat out destroyed when my mother befriended my friend's mother. It was basically over. I was treated like poison. Family friends and others if the narc sociopathic mother knows them, the relationship is sunk.

      Good saying, I like it. I know I was a beaten down scapegoat at the time, back then I had no way to "fight it" and she was already a few chess moves ahead, so definitely you are right about that. Even her creepy "polite" cards are cover for her now, "I sent that ungrateful daughter a birthday and Christmas card". It's all about appearances.

    3. Narcs have all the qualities of a dog except for loyalty.

  2. When I self-reference, I have to call it a day by noon and sleep for the rest of the day. It's just that hard and exhausting. That's ok, the next day is the same.

    I want back 20 years too. I have children, but I made so many mistakes that I'm sure I could do better now. I still remember when I was in my early twenties and a single parent, I had just left my abusive husband and I had bruises all over my face and body and I stayed in a women's shelter where I continue to be abused by the patrons and so called counselors. I was so clueless about life. Mother was off with her boyfriend and I was so young and naive with no support systems. And I had not a clue as to what I was doing.

    What I could do now, is immensely different. With my awakening came a lot of life skills and my kids would have a better mom. Now its like they don't trust me, as I was hollow inside. I sort of envy you for not having kids. Yes, I'm serious. And I'm being authentic. Painful as it is to say I can see too much of my screw up in my kids, I can't take it sometimes.

    1. LOL I could take to my bed too. I've been sick since Dec 8th. Well half the day is in bed. I am wrapping legs and only up for 3-4 hours. I hope I have not gained weight from being sick. I feel like I am in prison this time of year.

      Yes to be back 20 years would be good. That is horrible the counselors were bad to you but even though I've never been in a domestic abuse shelter except as a volunteer--had some marriage counseling before, I know the believe and achieve and "be EMPOWERED" club often do major damage to people with c-ptsd and who were abused and scapegoated. I was kept clueless about life too. You have one of these horrible parents, they aren't teaching you anything. When I volunteered in the domestic abuse shelters, I noticed having a supportive family was the difference in surviving an abusive relationship.

      I am sorry your kids don't trust you. Did your mother poison their minds against you? It happened to me with all the younger members of the family. Thanks for saying you envy me for not having kids. I sometimes know inside even if I feel the pain, I never had the money, life skills or health to take care of them. There were times we were so poor, the state may have taken them away. I don't see social workers letting me have a baby in a rat and mice filled ghetto apt with no working stove. I also if I was biologically related or maybe even not to the family avoided the pain of having a narcissistic child or one they influenced against me. My mother probably would have bought my own children off and managed to turn them against me and gotten them to blame me for the poverty they faced as children, and having social embarrassment over having a very fat mother. So yes I probably avoided some embarrassment. I think you tried your best but your abusers got the ball rolling which affected your children.

    2. My mother wasn't around me when my kids were growing up. It was the part of being engulfing, it switches to ignoring when I stopped being so convenient.

      I think the children feel I am not to be trusted because I really had a hard time and was very poor. We never had the money or resources to do anything except barely survive and I guess they think I didn't try very hard. That I was lazy as they see life as not being so hard, they are having it easier without me. But I did try very hard. I worked really hard, spent my life in counselling. You tried very hard too. You see, the thing was you and I weren't given life skills and that was totally the problem.

      You would have given your best too. We did try very hard with all we had. You keep your apartment, your life the best way you can. It's hard when we don't know what we are doing. Your health waned it wasn't your fault. When I was a kid and I got worms (sorry for being gross but this is valuable info), yeah so when that happened I was blamed for it. I was 5 and had not clue as to how I got worms and I spent days trying to figure out how I got worms, well it was hopeless to try to figure it out.

      You can't blame yourself anymore for what happened over your health. See how we take on blame so easily. I tell myself to hold my head high, not a lot of people survived child abuse. We can't blame ourselves anymore. I got worms cause we lived on a farm and it wasn't my fault.

      The most wonderful thing was that I raised my kids in church, people reached out to me and I got transportation to church, I didn't let that part go. We held on to faith. The tv show Little House on the Prairie was playing on the tv every evening. I wish it was on tv again. It played every evening when my kids were growing up.

      I'm happy you didn't experience abuse at the hands of a husband. I had 2 ex-husbands, both were abusive. I'm glad you have that part of your life intact. We all must have something good. You bring value to his life and vice versa. I just hope the money issues can get better for you. Maybe for you to have a nice home and enough groceries. There is a scripture where it says to pray to not be too poor where you are cursing God and not too rich as to not ignore God. I don't remember it exactly.

    3. Yes some of them switch from engulfing to ignoring. I was ignored most of the time.

      I am sorry you have been put in that position of others thinking you are not to be trusted because you are poor. Our society is so sick. Now families throw away someone they consider too poor. My poverty is how I was set up for Queenie and Mini to get others to reject me. I never had the money or resources either to barely survive either. I know I have a deep regret thinking I could have saved some familial relationships if I had been richer, and able to visit more and buy presents but then with the narcdom others have told me they still will poison people against you even if you are swimming in money.

      Yes I relate to you exactly Joan. Mine have these easy lives where all needs are met. Not one struggle with one bout of unemployment even, so how are they going to relate to people who scrape by for a living? The world has been their oyster, though the next one won't be so grand for them.

      I am sure you worked very hard. I remember I worked hard too. I had 4 jobs at one time even when young. I worked hard on some of these relationships within my very limited means but it was all dead end. Yes we both tried very hard. I agree we both lack life skills. My being an Aspie made that very hard. I know my Aspie default setting in the world is fear, and one doesn't really get ahead if you are petrified and just trying to keep your head above water.

      Yes we did try hard. I know my husband tried very hard even as they threw him away. I always had the rule keep an apartment. I was very close to homelessness and many resources are dedicated to the rent. I will pay rent above food and everything else. In the state of health I am in, this means staying alive. I and husband have discussions where we tell each other, just keep the roof over our head.

      I know with the health, the lipedema diagnosis, really was a vindication and titled my world on it's axis as I was taught to blame myself for being fat [no matter that I ate like everyone else] and well, so many painful years of thinking I was getting what I "deserved" with the abusive family pouring on their poison.

      Yes the narcs use illness including worms, which I am sure as a child you could not control to set scapegoats up to blame themselves. I am working through NOT blaming myself anymore for the bad health. I am tired of waking up everyday looking around and thinking "Oh my goodness I screwed my life up. No I didn't I tried very hard."

      Worms are a given on a farm. So yes it was not your fault.

      I am glad you raised your kids in a good church. I have arranged with my church that if I lose my car, we can still get there. Faith kept you going. Loving church families can make a huge difference. I am newer in a church but I had a loving one for years.

      I am sorry you went through abuse. My husband does have challenges and when his career folded that was one of the worse times and we had martial counseling before, but we have always been close and good friends as well as marriage partners. I know many who were abused as children end up in severely abusive relationships. This is one way the wicked parents can damage a life into the future. I am glad you were strong enough to get away from both, that is an accomplishment.

      I hope the money issues can get better for us too. I do not need to be rich, just be more stable and a little bit of money to DO things like a road trip and taking photos. I know in my state of health I need more security.

      Yes I remember that verse.

      Proverbs 30:8 Remove far from me vanity and lies: given me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me.

      Thanks Joan

      I just hope the money issues can get better for you. Maybe for you to have a nice home and enough groceries. There is a scripture where it says to pray to not be too poor where you are cursing God and not too rich as to not ignore God. I don't remember it exactly.

  3. ...the WORLD becomes a weight on the scapegoat's shoulders. I'm tired from carrying it. Does this make sense? It makes PERFECT sense. I think we discussed a microcosm of it the other day when you shared that absurd and evil video from weight watchers, "Me and My Ass" or whatever it was called. American culture in 2015 is geared toward the mindset of the narc. Unless you are perfect in intellect and body - unless you are UN-broken financially, physically or emotionally - you have missed the mark and you are refuse. You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Your poverty and illness is all your fault - never mind less than one hundred people control more wealth than the rest of the entire worlds population - never mind we've been screwing with the genetic structure of the corn you eat for years (and you didn't know it because the US government didn't legislate the use of GMO labels).

    However an empty hole is standing where a family should be. You may not like what I'm about to say (LOL), but I've adopted you as one of my spiritual mamas....sorry!

    Lately, I have faced a few people telling me to "get over" over the grief. Uh, that doesn't sound like wholesome, sound, Godly, Spirit sourced council to me Sis. YOU WILL GET OVER THE GRIEF! I promise you that on God's Word. But it will be in YOUR time based on YOUR terms, at YOUR pace. I agree with the poem you posted. When I'm feeling like life's porta-potty I don't need someone telling me to get over it.

    I need to feel what I feel, and what I feel is grief and sadness.....and it's OK

    "You need to do something with your life and get focus". Yep, like the Nike ad..."Just Do It!" I'm still grappling with my ass, trying to get to know it better and all. I've been a stranger from my ass all these years and it's killing me. I'm so thankful Weight Watchers Inc has set me straight! Thank God for Nike too!

    My husband says, "you do a lot more then you know". Couldn't agree more.

    I'm going to prophecy that your life is going to get better. A LOT better. Care to make a bet? I just know how good He is, that's all. BTW, I think I've discovered a scapegoat I can pile all my crap on. My ass. Yeah, I think I can make this relationship work! I'm sorry for being warped tonight.

    1. Thanks for understanding I am tired of carrying the weight of the world. I have no control over many of these things. You are right we discussed a microcosm of this the other day with that absurd Weight Watchers ad. I believe that American culture has totally been taken over by the narcs too. Everything is appearance oriented and shallow. I am planning to write an article here, called the Great Narc Take Over.

      You are right unless you are perfect, and match what they want--certain dress, looks AND thoughts, you are rendered a throw-away person. No one wants to know. The work world is not about inclusion but a weeding out process where if you do not conform anymore you are gone. Frankly the innovation and success will go DOWN as a result of this, where the politically correct uncreative drones and narcs take over. Businesses may discover that narcs are parasites perhaps a bit too late after the USA economy collapses.

      Oh I've been hit with the pull yourself up by your bootstraps stick more often then not. Supposely if I do certain things a lot of the green stuff is supposed to magically appear on my doorstep. Yes anyone who suffers is now told they are at fault. "There are no victims only victors", etc. My narc family was run by all these ethos. I think one grand shock for me is realizing the number of people who thought like me was small but ones who were like them were great in number. What a disappointment!

      And one thing about the narcs, is for control they want everyone tohave their head in the sand, don't look at the emperor with no clothes, ignored what we are doing to the food. I can't digest GMO corn. It's weird the old kind digests just fine but when I get a ahold of GMO, it's bowel pain city.
      You are right, I have to be careful of taking counsel from the "ungodly". I agree there are promises to get over the grief. Other's will judge what I have lost while never having gone through anything near what I did! Yes it will have to be on my terms and my pace. Part of my recovery is feeling what I want to feel and not being told how to feel or who to be. Yes people who say "get over it", do more harm then good.

      LOL about the Nike ad.
      I agree it's more of that narc "GET EMPOWERED" stuff they love to advertise.

      Thanks about saying my life will get better. There are biblical promises I have to stand on. Not saying prosperity gospel stuff but knowing God is in my corner.

      LOL about the butt stuff, it's so crazy the extent they have elevated a mere body part. It is the total narc shallowness. Butts count for a lot in the narc world, not hearts.

  4. Very encouraged by your imagery of still shoveling things out. I'm still in the process of letting so much go, (actual things as well as ingrained attitudes.) And it's been going on for years! So yes, it's in your own sweet time. Please add WRITER and HEALER to your list of achievements. Like Chiron in myth, your wounding expressed is a rallying point. It's better to be an artist and thinker than "The Queen of Versailles." You are wealthy in insight and your readers could be a kind of family.

    1. Yes, I'm taking the shovel and shoveling it out. LOL I know I will have to work on the letting go part and also trying to still build up my life which the health stuff is always a challenge in doing so. When life grinds to a halt in winter, it can be very difficult in that way. I agree we need our own time. Wounding does become a rallying point. Thanks regarding being a WRITER and HEALER. I have to admit I do love the blogging and writing and it does give me a reason to press on among others. I agree that it is better to be an artist and thinker then the Queen. [Queen Spider or Queen of France :p]

  5. We are like a family, psychic allies networked through the inter webs. Strangers in most ways, but hardcore war buddies in other ways.

    1. I agree. War vets are always deeply connected because of they shared an experience others have not. With this crazy ACON stuff, we have a bond with other people who survived it, recognized it and came out of the whole cesspool. I remember as a child even thinking one day I will meet people who will understand.

  6. Peep, I think the key, like you said, is to stop blaming yourself. I can't stand it when the positive thinking nazis tell me to "get over it" because they have no idea what it feels like to be someone like us. Being Aspie doubles our challenges. But it's not your fault! You deserve to have a happy life, and you will find happiness. It takes time to heal after you've separated from the narcs and there's a time where we feel that empty hole of "what could have been." You will find other things to fill that with.
    You have a husband who is good to you, and that is a great start. Many people don't have that. You also have your writing and art. I bet you have other blessings too you haven't thought about. You also have God.
    This isn't the same as telling you to "get over it." It takes time. You are not that old. You have lots of time. Work on your healing from the abuse and ask God to help you stop blaming yourself and ask Him to fill the hole left by your abusers. It would be nice to have children, sure, but there are many people who do not have them, either through choice or circumstance. You can still have a family of friends who can care more about you than your family ever did. Have you ever thought about adopting a pet? Sometimes a dog or cat can help you feel like you have someone who depends on you, and they love you without condition and will never judge you are turn all narc on you.
    I read a very interesting post the other day about Aspergers being nature's answer to narcissism/psychopathy. That's why there are so many Aspie children of narcissistic parents. It's a mirror image of narcissism and nature's way of correcting things.
    I haven't seen you on my blog in a while, I know you've probably been very busy, but there are some new posts I think would interest you and some interesting things (not all good either) that have happened.
    I always looks forward to reading your posts.
    Anyway, I hope you and your husband are well, and hang in there! --lucky otter

    1. I think too, LO, that is the key to stop blaming myself. I can't carry that weight anymore and in there lays healing. You are so right. Yes I get tired of the positive thinking Nazis too. I think I delayed my healing by many years trying to squash everything in my mind. I went to sleep in other words and didn't face things as I played nice with the narcissists.
      I think many of those folks just didnt experience what I did. I have been told to "get over it" too. They don't realize I lived for years when young hiding my abuse and then only therapists were finding out. I didn't tell anyone but husband and the very closest friends. I agree about having a happy life. I totally agree about "what could have been". I'm 18 months in and feeling that now. Why couldn't I have a kind nice family like other people? or the love I see between other families. I have found it in marriage and friendship. Thank God I have His family too. I think with time I will heal. I am thankful for my husband too. I am going to write something for him now on here.

      Yes you are right I have God and other blessings.

      LOL for saying I am not that old. I feel like I am old and write I am old on here. I am in my mid to late 40s. I hope there is still time to make things better. It is something I think about constantly.

      I will pray to God to help me with those things. I have a church family now and good friends and working on life. I am doing my comics and have other plans for art work, and enjoying books I am reading like the Outlander series.

      I agree about children. I can't blame myself there either. Doctors told me not to get pregnant and I was on a drug [they believed to keep me alive] for 15 years that causes severe birth defects. I was not married until I was 29 and fighting for my life. I also was mostly infertile so there too, I have to accept what is and say NOT MY FAULT. I was talking to a friend today about all the kids I took care of and child care and residential counselor. Already had my time with the kids there too. LOL

      I will consider a pet, there are some allergies I have but I have considered a bird and may need to ask pet shop if I can have a trial run to make sure I dont react in allergies.

      I am very very interested in Aspergers/narcissism. Someone on here wrote an interesting theory I wanted to explore saying Aspies came out of narcissitic families. I must repost that here and blog on it! I am racing the power on my lap top but have to go eat dinner. But I definitely will discuss this more and be by soon. I do have a lot of medical responsibilities, though I have no job, I spend literally hours a day on wrapping, leg pump, nebulizer, etc so fighting the time quotient. Thanks LO. :) God bless