Thursday, April 2, 2015
I am failing to lose weight and maybe I should just get myself put in the hospital and get some weight off to reduce my diabetes. Even 50lbs off could reduce the blood sugars. Of course what would they do with me that I am not doing at home? My food at home is probably BETTER. I do not know what to do. I am stumped. This is fat insanity. Nothing is working. Nothing works. I even worry that my diabetes has gone off the rails because I got so scared of weight gain and from trying to do more caloric restriction. I get weighed on May 5th, and if I have gone up in weight, I am going to ask to be put in the hospital to get some off. In pictures I do not look I have gained. I do have phobias about weight gain. Not everyone here knows this, but I am deathly afraid of weight gain and entering the 600s and 700s and losing mobility I do have. The world does not realize that I have to pay attention to every bit going into my mouth even to hold weight gain off.
There seems no rhyme or reason with the blood sugars. Supposedly exercise is supposed to lower blood sugars but not in my case. At least I proved my case to medical professionals already but could they get more weight off me? Should I starve or become a bulimic? I am going to die of being fat, and from diabetes soon. Sometimes lately I worry all this medical stuff is going to give me a nervous breakdown and I am working through enough emotional stuff, with my going no contact from the toxic family, NC has brought a bunch of memories back too. Add in the Aspie and poverty issues and my brain is spinning. What should I do? What scares the crap out of me is, I am not eating that badly at all. In fact my emphasis is on healthy food all the time.
Even if the doctors know I have severe rare disorders making me so fat and bloated and water logged, there is still some semblance of control over things, they expect me to work for but I do not feel that control or see the results outside of the legs. I am spending 4-5 hours a day on medically related things. This can include 1-2 hours for leg wrapping--this depends on how much I am up but two wrappings a day takes time, lung nebulizing--half an hour, two hours for Flexitouch, another half an hour or 20 minutes, taking pills, probably another half hour or hour, doing stretchy bands or walking, hours on cooking where I can't eat ready made things and have to cook and chop and make soup, and I haven't added in various other things like apply creams, daily grooming, washing my CPAP humidifier etc. Even remembering to take endless vitamins is a lot.
I don't want to lay in bed all day. I will get fatter. The Lipedema stuff is driving me mad, my legs are being kept down with wrapping and such but the more hyper I am and moving around the bloating and pain is the stuff of insanity. There are lymph nodes in me that when I bloat hurt like hell. Lumps all over me swelling. I have this bad thing constantly happening where I start peeing very little and my body bloats horribly the more I move around. How does a person win with this?
It happened yesterday because I was running about the apartment and very hyper, and then went to church and ran other errands. The funny thing lately is I can walk farther and easier, which has been an outcome of the leg therapies but I am sicker otherwise with the diabetes. What what would you think every time you try and exercise, you see your body visibly grow including your face and arms? This has been true for many many years. Remember with stage IV lipedema you have body wide lymphedema. Yes the doctors know about this.
At least everything goes down when Flexitouch it and lay in bed, but it is very painful. I sit up or I am doing things and the pain grows and grows. The pain forces me to take to my bed to pee. The pain hurts. I am tired a lot. One thing happening lately is I feel like pushing through the pain to do everything, it isn't even my legs hurting--Flexitouch helped that but just the body overall hurting. I used to cry from leg pain and that is out of my life. My legs are better but my body I feel inflamed all over. Like Fibromylgia from the depths of hell. Even my wrists and arms hurt. My neck kills me. I can cook standing up and was chopping salad and vegetables yesterday but while there was energy for that, there wasn't for doing any dishes so a giant pile of them awaits me. My spoons feel very limited. I am tired even of my constant medical duties. I can't decide if I am doing too much or too little. Self-care mingles with guilt. The undone chores stare me down. Why am I writing online instead of cleaning?
I wonder if the hospital could help me. Maybe they could address the weight loss failures. I don't know. Sometimes I feel so tired it's like I could lay in bed for a week and just sleep. I sometimes wonder if something endocrine is happening to make the diabetes run completely off the rails too. I have to tell the doctors about the fatigue and pain. I am living my life but there are times I am crying inside. I have been sick since I was 27 years old. I had a lot wrong by age 13. I was nearly 700lbs at age 29. I am 46 now and tired.