Thursday, April 2, 2015

I'm tired!




I am failing to lose weight and maybe I should just get myself put in the hospital and get some weight off to reduce my diabetes. Even 50lbs off could reduce the blood sugars. Of course what would they do with me that I am not doing at home? My food at home is probably BETTER. I do not know what to do. I am stumped. This is fat insanity. Nothing is working.  Nothing works. I even worry that my diabetes has gone off the rails because I got so scared of weight gain and from trying to do more caloric restriction. I get weighed on May 5th, and if I have gone up in weight, I am going to ask to be put in the hospital to get some off.  In pictures I do not look I have gained. I do have phobias about weight gain. Not everyone here knows this, but I am deathly afraid of weight gain and entering the 600s and 700s and losing mobility I do have. The world does not realize that I have to pay attention to every bit going into my mouth even to hold weight gain off.

There seems no rhyme or reason with the blood sugars. Supposedly exercise is supposed to lower blood sugars but not in my case. At least I proved my case to medical professionals already but could they get more weight off me? Should I starve or become a bulimic?  I am going to die of being fat, and from diabetes soon. Sometimes lately I worry all this medical stuff is going to give me a nervous breakdown and I am working through enough emotional stuff, with my going no contact from the toxic family, NC has brought a bunch of memories back too. Add in the Aspie and poverty issues and my brain is spinning. What should I do? What scares the crap out of me is, I am not eating that badly at all. In fact my emphasis is on healthy food all the time.

Even if the doctors know I have severe rare disorders making me so fat and bloated and water logged, there is still some semblance of control over things, they expect me to work for but I do not feel that control or see the results outside of the legs.  I am spending 4-5 hours a day on medically related things. This can include 1-2 hours for leg wrapping--this depends on how much I am up but two wrappings a day takes time, lung nebulizing--half an hour, two hours for Flexitouch, another half an hour or 20 minutes, taking pills, probably another half hour or hour, doing stretchy bands or walking, hours on cooking where I can't eat ready made things and have to cook and chop and make soup, and I haven't added in various other things like apply creams, daily grooming, washing my CPAP humidifier etc. Even remembering to take endless vitamins is a lot.

 I don't want to lay in bed all day. I will get fatter. The Lipedema stuff is driving me mad, my legs are being kept down with wrapping and such but the more hyper I am and moving around the bloating and pain is the stuff of insanity. There are lymph nodes in me that when I bloat hurt like hell. Lumps all over me swelling. I have this bad thing constantly happening where I start peeing very little and my body bloats horribly the more I move around. How does a person win with this?

It happened yesterday because I was running about the apartment and very hyper, and then went to church and ran other errands. The funny thing lately is I can walk farther and easier, which has been an outcome of the leg therapies but I am sicker otherwise with the diabetes.  What what would you think every time you try and exercise, you see your body visibly grow including your face and arms? This has been true for many many years. Remember with stage IV lipedema you have body wide lymphedema. Yes the doctors know about this.

At least everything goes down when  Flexitouch it and lay in bed, but it is very painful. I sit up or I am doing things and the pain grows and grows. The pain forces me to take to my bed to pee. The pain hurts. I am tired a lot. One thing happening lately is I feel like pushing through the pain to do everything, it isn't even my legs hurting--Flexitouch helped that but just the body overall hurting. I used to cry from leg pain and that is out of my life. My legs are better but my body I feel inflamed all over. Like Fibromylgia from the depths of hell. Even my wrists and arms hurt. My neck kills me. I can cook standing up and was chopping salad and vegetables yesterday but while there was energy for that, there wasn't for doing any dishes so a giant pile of them awaits me. My spoons feel very limited. I am tired even of my constant medical duties. I can't decide if I am doing too much or too little. Self-care mingles with guilt. The undone chores stare me down. Why am I writing online instead of cleaning?

I wonder if the hospital could help me. Maybe they could address the weight loss failures. I don't know. Sometimes I feel so tired it's like I could lay in bed for a week and just sleep. I sometimes wonder if something endocrine is happening to make the diabetes run completely off the rails too. I have to tell the doctors about the fatigue and pain. I am living my life but there are times I am crying inside. I have been sick since I was 27 years old. I had a lot wrong by age 13.  I was nearly 700lbs at age 29. I am 46 now and tired.

10 comments:

  1. I hope you will find out why your body is acting weird. Hope God is doing something about it. Maybe he is taking revenge against your narc parents by making people seeing how their abuses, neglect, and denial of medical information hurt you, so that people will turn against them before they dies.

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  2. I hope so too. Too much is going wrong all at once and I am kind of scared. I am praying to God. That would be good if God could use my suffering that way but sadly everyone that knows my mother is on her side except maybe one or two high school friends I told I was abused.

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  3. Writing instead of cleaning? How come I didn't think of that one :)

    Writing gets it all out of your system, helps you to feel better. I understand the dishes do pile up.

    I'm glad your legs are feeling better, sorry about the diabetes though. I'm glad at least your legs don't hurt. I know NC does bring up the memories, and some of that can be very painful.

    I'm glad you have your blogging, writing is good.

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    1. I'd rather write then clean by 10 fold. LOL Cleaning sucks. This place is not looking good. If I had leg pain with this, I'd be crying, but I do worry my body is worn out I have been simply sick too many years. One friend is worried that my NC is bringing up too much PTSD issues and stress. I have had some memories and other weird stuff return. I know some of it was financial though obviously we have kept the roof over our head. Thanks Joan, I am glad I have the blogging too.

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  4. Peep, It seems you desperately need an Endocrinologist as your Primary directing your treatment. So much of what's going on here is endo-related. I keep wondering if you have some kind of syndrome that involves several endopathways/organs because it all seems to come back to the same etiology.
    Yeah, no wonder you're worried-there's so much going on for you how would you not worry?!
    TW

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    1. I want to explore the possibilities of Dercums, which has major overlap with Lipedema especially in severe categories. They test my parathyroid levels all the time, those went off kilter a few years ago. I take 500 mcg of Synthroid a day, I know that is not normal even with the body weight. I feel like I have been moving under mud the last couple of years too. The high high high uric acid levels which have never been explained and which I am on two kidney pills for, the doctors don't know. I need the medical answers even from the adoption pursuit. None of the narcs and their monkeys have diabetes even. I am pretty scared and tired. If I get too bad off I will check into the hospital and let them deal with me, but I figure my food is better here and stress levels would just go up being hospitalized. I know I have gotten morbid with husband a few times telling him I don't know how much longer I am going to make it.

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    2. I am going to blow off the cleaning and eat salads and go sit at the nature center on Sat. I guess I will try and enjoy what I can of life but the fatigue is hard!

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  5. I'm praying for you Peep, that God would encourage and strengthen you through this 'wearing out'. It's the being faithful through/in-spite-of, that counts, and it feels like the 'ante' is upping across the board for Christians.

    [Just after looking over your most recent posts, I wondered about multiple endocrine disease and Cushings, but then looked through your old posts and saw your previous struggles in getting diagnosed... makes me furious with medical doctors, because that's one of the first things that popped into my mind as a veterinarian for 'differential diagnosis' and yet people go through YEARS of having their doctors assume they are lazy or overeat, when the docs have NO excuse, given their medical training! I've seen incredibly overweight pets, and while we do check how much they eat, we also have empathy and understand that many medical conditions cause obesity quite apart from diet. It just stuns me that people (especially medically-trained people) have such a lack of empathy and mercy for their fellow humans... just wow]

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    1. Thanks I have been diagnosed with pseudo-Cushings before. I could have Dercum's, and may investigate this more. Some experts on Lipedema and Dercums's believes that often advanced state IV Lipedema goes into Dercum's territory but they are still researching this. I do think there is a "wearing out of the saints" going on. I think the ante is moving up for Christians, the wicked are ascending to even greater heights in our society. I am glad as a vet you look at differential diagnoses and I think the medical establishment something is very twisted and warped when it comes to obesity, it shocks me. Fat is so hated in our society that it is endangering people's lives and it endangered mine. The irony is if I had early treatment I would have not grown so large and I probably just managed to buy myself some years of not being completely bedbound--many advanced Lipedema woman ARE and I barely avoided it, they are not getting the treatment they needed in time. Thanks for your prayers.

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  6. I did get blood sugars back into the 180s, this means eating a lot of low carb foods, salad, I could eat some carbs but had to eat tons of salad. I also realize I had to sleep more and realizing the sugars are hanging out in 200s if I sleep only 5 or 6 hours a night.

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