As you get deeper into recovery, you will start noticing those people who treat you the same as your family or other abusers did. You realize you have the same emotions and feelings around these people. One thing I noticed is my "narc-radar" got far better. The narc eyes and rest would alert you. You realized such folks never would listen to you and they had this sneer on their face as you talked and often got others to ignore or devalue you. I realized with horror, when young, I had picked up narcs like candy once I had left my family.
One was this college friend who I realized was very much like my sister in personality but very career directed and more intellectual. She always put herself first and everything was to be directed from her convenience. She would ignore me for months but if someone got sick and she wanted medical advice, she would call or write me while ignoring me the rest of the year and telling me she was "too busy". Watch out for the busy-body narcs, who play martyrs as they are put upon acting like they are perfect. Our go-go society serves as a platform for them to treat people like garbage under the guise of too many obligations.
Her selfishness was extreme. It makes me sad to think in college, I was chasing after this person I was so desperate for friends, but then I had carried, that neediness right out of the house with my parents into my college experience. This friendship was ended only months after my original no contact with my mother and sister. She didn't care either, just like them.
It seemed to me when I was young, I either befriended ACONs or fellow Aspies, or out and out narcs. The former type of friends would be successful friendships while the narcs gave me endless trouble. One thing I realize is in a desperation not to be alone and here add in my severe weight problems and Aspergers, narcissists were given too much of a place in my life. However once you go no contact and you start paying attention to the people who make you feel like your family did, you realize the world is full of narcissists. My policy now is to get as far away from them as possible.
The danger with narcissists is to others they appear kind and good. Some of the most crafty ones may even fool you a bit, as you pay attention to that sick feeling in your stomach, smiling and telling jokes, but you always realize there is a rejection there, as they seem to insult you always in front of others, and their word seemingly is always law. You can't disagree with them and they shut you down.
Going NC will change your outlook and what you are willing to tolerate. It definitely has with me. It can be a troubling time as you seek to adjust how you deal with the world. Already as an Aspie, I know I get tired from how society runs, but then I added this, avoiding narcs and people who are negative to me. You want to follow general rules, if you feel on edge around someone, or ignored or devalued or not listened to, listen to those red flags. I know I have the freedom to walk from negative people being disabled but some of you are stuck with them at work. In that case freeze them out as much as you can and let them know as little as possible about you.
I'm concerned too, for ACON's who have a job to go to and narcs all around. My last job was terrible, I think I was bullied out.
ReplyDeleteI almost left my bible study over what was said to me wanting to pray for my oldest daughter with hypermobility. The narc spoke up, "Well, at least you have a diagnosis, I know someone who is in constant pain with no diagnosis." And one time she tried to stop a prayer over a skin cancer I had. I didn't get a lot of support from the others and I just thought one more time and I'm out. Yeah, one more time and I am out, no one stands up to her, they bring her books to read, they are kind to her, but I'm treated like this by her.
One more time and I am gone. I just won't know what to say if I do that, I'm in a small town.
I have a college friend who is in my town but he did not send me a PM or email about meeting up for a coffee or visit him at a hotel. I began to think he was an example of my abusive friends in the past, like the ones you had in college.
ReplyDeleteI read a blog several minutes ago where an author stated, "Narcissists often target people who have been abused before or people who have a poor support system." (http://facesofnarcissism.com/2015/04/21/the-narcissist-wants-to-turn-you-against-your-friends-and-family/). It sounds like most ACONs when they were young. I hope you will find new friends this year and keep those who are not toxic.
I don't think he is a friend anymore if he won't call from a hotel when in town even to say hello. I refuse to give place to the ones who ignore me anymore. Sometimes it hurts when you are a low priority to people. The full dance card of most neurotypicals means we are more often then not sitting on the sidelines, but you can tell when you have fallen off the roster and some won't even tell you why? It worries me I was so targeted. I have to admit when a narc is in the room I feel uneasy. My health problems show and the narcs can tell I am socially awkward so they come swimming in like sharks. Everyone that knew my mother and me both mutually, she turned them against me. I will check that article out thanks. I am glad to be done with that one group but grieving over the loss of the kind people leaving.
DeleteOh the job world can be a nightmare if a narc is in your midst. I had them there too.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you always had to leave your bible study. She sounds like she is trying to diminish what your daughter and you are going through. I didn't have a diagnosis for 17 years and never said that to anyone. Her trying to stop a prayer over skin cancer was horrible too. I don't know how narcs do it, but they seem to turn people against us so easily. I felt loved and accepted in this group I recently left, and that all vaporized in the wind when this new leader came in. [I have friends who left this group earlier on, I am good with] Sorry no one stood up for you. I stood up for myself acouple times, but then they just ignore you, doing a skip and a jump. Even with my narc family, I would blast full verbal bore, telling them what I thought, may as well have been screaming into the air. Yes if none of them will respect you, it is probably better to leave. Sorry you are going through this too.
As we get healthier inside, so many things change. We no longer will tolerate or accept disrespectful treatment, for example. And, our bodies, minds, spirits, all grow stronger together. Yay you, Peep.
ReplyDeleteYes I am undergoing a lot of changes. I refuse to accept disrespect anymore. Thanks Daphne <3 <3
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