Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Was thinking more about the conversation with the cousin, he's a mixed bag as a commenter said, but he's harmful to me whether in his case he means to be or not. I think about how I was viewed within the family and always blamed and the more I thought about that, I thought, he believed the others about me. He talked to me like I was the "wrong" and "bad" one, putting me in defense mode. Over-exertion was the name of the game in that conversation. That's how life always was around those people.
Trying to convince someone is a waste of time too. In in his case, I think he honestly wants some kind of connection with me but it's very loaded. One warning flag for us, when dealing with anyone connected to our families, is if you are having to "work" to be validated or scurrying around to "convince" someone, you are already wasting your time. I know I got exhausted trying to open eyes and ended up with very disappointing results. Aunt Denial is a covert narc who used croccodile tears to smear me to this cousin. When you got 4-5 narcissists tag-teaming on you it's bad business.
I was much happier having no contact with the family or any members in it. I was actually doing far better for the first time in years. I have to remember that. My health is still bad but I had gotten too a new relaxation place not dealing with any of them. People who make you feel like you have to defend yourself are bad business.
They all take me back to a terrible place that is hard to describe where I am "seen" as a bad person. I am always in the wrong. The more I thought about his focus on accusations and me treating Aunt Denial badly when it's her that slammed the door in my face. the more I thought, I opened myself up to more hurt and pain. He may admit a few things but even my brother did, they are part of the same sick system. To them the sick system is "family", to me, the sick system is a bunch of evil people who did everything possible to ruin my life. They love the narcissists, I do not.
To be this old and still seen as the "worm" is hard. When you are around people who make your self esteem drop like a rock, it's time to get away. I don't think keeping any relationships in the "family" will ever be possible. Even after Queen Spider dies, there's too much water under the bridge for me to ever reconnect with any. Once people had their chance to treat you right and then forfeited it, it's over.
In my regular life, I am tired of being judged, and have cut that out of my life. Why take it from those people? Even his words about me being "paranoid" and judging Aunt Denial wrong, who constantly turned away from me, told me who he believed. I could hear the words of my mother in his voice. His response to my would be adoption, since he was told about my genetic disease, is odd too, and I believe the influence of narcissists who told him I am paranoid and a liar. He is thin and extremely healthy and I look nothing like him. This is someone who can hike in the woods for miles.
He ignored things I said about abuse over being closed out for illness. More and more I have understood completely that how they allowed a very disabled woman to be treated was sickening. Their pressure demands for an Aspie to fully conform to their technocrat personality ways was sickening as well.
Sometimes I feel weird trying to tell so many people in the faux family my "side of the story" and not being believed. The ones who even admit I was abused and continue to be, are not safe either, as they still believe the narcissists even if they admit a few "bad behaviors" or maybe the narcissists convinced them inside I deserved to be abused.
I'll wait and see if I get the video for now but I have realized it is very important I maintain full no contact from my entire family for my health and well-being. The ACON spokespeople, Ollie, Luke 17:3 ministries and others who warn that anyone who is in contact with your abusers is harmful to you, are absolutely right.