Was thinking more about the conversation with the cousin, he's a mixed bag as a commenter said, but he's harmful to me whether in his case he means to be or not. I think about how I was viewed within the family and always blamed and the more I thought about that, I thought, he believed the others about me. He talked to me like I was the "wrong" and "bad" one, putting me in defense mode. Over-exertion was the name of the game in that conversation. That's how life always was around those people.
Trying to convince someone is a waste of time too. In in his case, I think he honestly wants some kind of connection with me but it's very loaded. One warning flag for us, when dealing with anyone connected to our families, is if you are having to "work" to be validated or scurrying around to "convince" someone, you are already wasting your time. I know I got exhausted trying to open eyes and ended up with very disappointing results. Aunt Denial is a covert narc who used croccodile tears to smear me to this cousin. When you got 4-5 narcissists tag-teaming on you it's bad business.
I was much happier having no contact with the family or any members in it. I was actually doing far better for the first time in years. I have to remember that. My health is still bad but I had gotten too a new relaxation place not dealing with any of them. People who make you feel like you have to defend yourself are bad business.
They all take me back to a terrible place that is hard to describe where I am "seen" as a bad person. I am always in the wrong. The more I thought about his focus on accusations and me treating Aunt Denial badly when it's her that slammed the door in my face. the more I thought, I opened myself up to more hurt and pain. He may admit a few things but even my brother did, they are part of the same sick system. To them the sick system is "family", to me, the sick system is a bunch of evil people who did everything possible to ruin my life. They love the narcissists, I do not.
To be this old and still seen as the "worm" is hard. When you are around people who make your self esteem drop like a rock, it's time to get away. I don't think keeping any relationships in the "family" will ever be possible. Even after Queen Spider dies, there's too much water under the bridge for me to ever reconnect with any. Once people had their chance to treat you right and then forfeited it, it's over.
In my regular life, I am tired of being judged, and have cut that out of my life. Why take it from those people? Even his words about me being "paranoid" and judging Aunt Denial wrong, who constantly turned away from me, told me who he believed. I could hear the words of my mother in his voice. His response to my would be adoption, since he was told about my genetic disease, is odd too, and I believe the influence of narcissists who told him I am paranoid and a liar. He is thin and extremely healthy and I look nothing like him. This is someone who can hike in the woods for miles.
He ignored things I said about abuse over being closed out for illness. More and more I have understood completely that how they allowed a very disabled woman to be treated was sickening. Their pressure demands for an Aspie to fully conform to their technocrat personality ways was sickening as well.
Sometimes I feel weird trying to tell so many people in the faux family my "side of the story" and not being believed. The ones who even admit I was abused and continue to be, are not safe either, as they still believe the narcissists even if they admit a few "bad behaviors" or maybe the narcissists convinced them inside I deserved to be abused.
I'll wait and see if I get the video for now but I have realized it is very important I maintain full no contact from my entire family for my health and well-being. The ACON spokespeople, Ollie, Luke 17:3 ministries and others who warn that anyone who is in contact with your abusers is harmful to you, are absolutely right.
I have those types of people in my life off and on. I used to try to reach out to them, especially when they went silent or chose to unfriend me at Facebook. Now that I know about covert narcissism and that they discard people who do not meet their narc supplies, I stopped working hard on connecting with them on concentrating on those who go out of their ways to connect with me.
ReplyDeleteThe meme you posted is a spot on. I will print it soon and use it as a reminder to live by. I'm sorry that your cousin and nicer relatives made you feel bad about yourself. Yes, stay away from those who are close to covert narcs and fake victims. Your Aunt Denial sounds like she was two-faced for years and then played victim on you when you went NC with her. Narcs expect you to be thankful if they "were nice" to you, "give" you things, or "help" you out. Unfortunately, they are either two-faced, have strings attached, ask or demand you to do something you don't want to do, smear against you, look down on you, and/or give cheaply. Your Aunt Denial probably did something meaner than smearing against you.
I tried reaching out to people like that too much too. Often full blown malignant narcs are surrounded by covert narcs and covert narc disciples. It took me a long time to figure that out. These types will only entertain those who obey the top narcs.
DeleteI am going to use meme to remind me too. No more bending over backwards to try and deal with people like this. Even the "nicer" ones are dangerous to us being part of the family system. They were enablers sitting by allowing us to be abused and never standing up to narcs and other abusers being led by the nose. Aunt Denial was the one who always made sure the family reunions were in Dec, so I could not see anyone for 10 years since I was housebound. She would not change here mind. She treated me very rotten and always took my mothers side. She is a very two faced person to the point I fear for all her students.
One of her sample sentences:
" I can say that I'm sorry and sad you feel the way you do."
"can say" means she is just saying it, and it is more invalidating. I think she did play victim when I went NC. She never responded to three emails I had sent her and ignored me for years on her end but she played up the croccodile tears to my cousin. I know believe she is definitely a covert narc. She never helped me out or anything. I think she expected me to be eternally thankful for a few fake smiles. She is a very shallow person but sadly shallow people with no emotions is what is loved n my family. Finding out what she told this cousin, making up that she "cried" when she ignored three PMs from 2012 into 2014 about me breaking off from her, was a bit rich. It tells me she was fully joined in on the smearing games and was part of the reason I was ostracized, tag-teaming with my mother. She is an awful person. I am glad I told the cousin I could not accept people in my life who helped my mother abuse me.
Yes Peep, you really to have to "cut the cords of the wicked" (Psalm 129:4) and that cousin is definately one of them. Since I last commented here last year and had only my neighbor as a "friend" and carpool mate for her kids and my daughter, I have had to go no contact with her as well. It's the exact same thing you describe here with your cousin: they put you on the DEFENSIVE, nearly constantly and the rest of the time it's just superficial BS. I finally got fed up with explaining myself to her and said "Look can't I just HAVE A BAD DAY every now ant then???" (This was via text) then I texted her again to let her know that I was tired of being baited and forced to explain myself of IRRELEVANT things being miscontrued by her 10 year old boy who rode in the back seat to school with me driving and every little thing I did was WATCHED AND REPORTED back to her. The final straw was a day I got caught in a lot of traffic at the school because of being made late waiting on the kids and I simply voiced my displeasure at all the traffic because I had two high schoolers to drop off at another school and did not want them to be late. This was reported back to his Mom that afternoon and twisted into something ENTIRELY different! And I get the sickingly sweet condescending text out of the blue later that aftenoon "I'm sorry my boys made you late and upset you..." Anyway wHen I told her I was tired of being baited and I didn't owe her any explanation based on what some 10 year old BIG MOUTH boy said, she just texted back "STOP TEXTING ME" as if I was harrassing HER!!! SHE is the one who started the mess. Anyway I went no contact with her after 9 years of carpooling and vacationing and my husband teaching one of 3 sons to play guitar. All because she is another Pod Person. It seems to be infecting everyone. She tried to 'hoover' me a couple months later when there was a bomb threat at the high school by calling me first (I declined her call) then a barrage of texts about the threat as if nothing had ever transpired. I ignored her and got my cell # changed. Now I just pass her on the road to school nearly every day. Fun Stuff, I tell ya ! And I'm sending you a big HUG today Peep, from one fellow Acon to another ; ). Hope you have a good day today!
ReplyDeleteI don't expect to see the video and will see if he sends me that, but I don't want to talk to him again and am going back to my NC stance with the family.
DeleteSorry you had to go NC with the neighbor friend, well I lost a lot of "friends" after NC. One thing the fake friends will defend narc families they never even met like mine did before I unfriended her, she called me unforgiving for cutting my entire family off.
Yes I was put on the DEFENSIVE. The inner core stuff of being treated like I am scum got to me. Like he sees me as a "BAD" person and I have to defend myself. Why even bother? His weird comments about guilt and emotions tells me he is as closed down as the rest and wants me to shut up and KEEP THINGS SUPERFICIAL. Why bother?
WHen they make you feel watched and reported on, and like you are on trial, yes that is the time to cut them loose. That's terrible she got her own kid to police you but they will do that. This cousin in his 30s has been just as brainwashed.
Have you noticed around the narcs one is not allowed to have emotions? One is supposed to be dead inside like them. One statement from the cousin that really bothered me is when he told me how my emotions bothered others, like I was in the wrong for being angry over being abused, that line alone is enough for me to walk from him for good. I will never get on with someone who has deadened all emotions.
Yes they pay games, the sharks do, and she even probably got her kid to fear and hate you too, that's how they do it. Being an Aspie for me was sheer hell around these dead insiders too. I am labeled as the MEAN PERSON who made Aunt Denial CRY when I cried for years being left out of family events and treated like a worm.
She does sound like a pod person. The pod people do not want us to have emotions. I had some pods unfriend me on Facebook, they also want to censor us constantly. Glad you did not take to her hoovering. One of the local Project friends played the telling me what to talk about or what to feel and "EMOTIONS ARE BAD" [remember they are allowed to have their own EMOTIONS and cry and fume] game, and that is when I ended things. Those are all bad signs. This cousin has been told I am paranoid and evil and he believes it. While he admits I was abused at his core he believes I am a "BAD" person who earned my troubles. They all were influenced that way. I'm too old and tired to try and change CLOSED minds.
I want to add to my comment that this type of thing (being put on the defensive and constantly "scrutinized" by these monsters) brings to mind this verse in Psalms: "The wicked watches the righteous and seeks to slay him." Psalm 37:32
ReplyDeleteInteresting verse
DeleteThis cousin is one of the ones who got an extremely high paying job right out of college. He is in computers. I know lots of unemployed computer people. He is so securely employed he was even allowed to take a sabbatical for a year off from his corporation and may even work remotely now. It's lives where he could never understand me or what happened to me. I do not think he is as wicked as the others but he is definitely influenced by OTHER WICKED PEOPLE. I have learned to get away from people who make me feel on the defensive and who scrutinize me. Being this sick, there is no other choice. I'm having problems even just getting through every day with the pain and more. The last thing I need is some JUDGERS making my pain and illnesses WORSE>
Well I do hope you at least get the video for your trouble of having to deal with this heartless, pretentious, robot. I personally think he is an agent of Queen Spider. Yes they get to FAKE all the emotions they want but we are supposed be STOIC and SMILE while they stab us with their steely knives. They are inhuman monsters. And the biggest of hypocrites.
ReplyDeleteYou know the more I thought about it, the more I think she sent him out. I had been NC with the whole lot since May [ghosting some on FB], and this "Bait" was too perfect. I will wait a short period of time to see if I get the video but I do doubt I will. I don't know if you read where I said he got a very good job out of college. I have noticed the extreme financial success of the ones my mother loves the most. Even the gay cousin's who came out [this one's brother] ex wife, went from teller to bank regional VP within 6 years, and she is one of my mother's favorites. His remarks on my emotions deeply deeply disturbed me, and told me no future relationship will be possible. I mentioned cold and clinical people in the conversation. I was thinking that of him.
DeleteYes I read that part. Just more proof to me that he's a sell out. But it sounds like you've got it all under control and won't let them get one over on you. I don't blame you one bit for wanting that video though. I mostly only have my memories of being with my beloved grandparents and feeling safe, secure and loved. And like you, always with a big smile on my face ;) I do have have a few good photos at least. My grandmothers last words to me were on the day before Thanksgiving 2007: "I love you." She called me from the assisted living home they had put her in just a year prior.
ReplyDeleteYeah he's a sell out. It's weird to me how some showed no sign of any special talents even through high school and then BAM, all of a sudden they had 6 figure jobs and no economic worries unlike my household. Yeah I won't let them get one over on me. I did want that video, sadly I probably won't get it, it was just some bait. If he can be a computer net work archietect downloading a video online should be a piece of cake right? Why has it taken three weeks or four? I am glad you had those good memories of feeling safe, secure and loved. My time with my aunt was far too short, as I lived far away from her with Queen Spider and the rest. Glad you have some good photos and your grandmother left you sweet last words.
DeleteI think all you people are jealous cry babies. SUCK IT UP AND GET OVER IT FOR PETE'S SAKE !!!!!!
DeleteHmm wonder if a relative found the blog....funny how they always say suck it up or "you're just jealous...."
DeleteI don't know why but the "anonymous" up there, having a tantrum, just cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was my cousin possibly but he isn't the time to spout off that way, probably another relative having a tantrum. Hey they do need called out on the carpet for their grubbing ways. They got new scapegoats they are leaving in horrible poverty in that sick family of mine.
Deletetime should be 'type".
DeleteI'm very sorry about the video debacle: what would have been a considerate gesture in the real world reveals itself as an exercise in witholding. What "family" doesn't understand is The Aunt Who Loved You is a treasure of the heart, not a photo to dangle and snatch away. Hope I'm wrong & you get the photo. If not, how contemptible, but relatives who try to hurt you have to live with being exposed for what they are.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like its being withheld. I asked him one time for this exchange and won't for another. It's like holding out something and snatching it away. Well my mother denied me pictures from that one aunt. I am even fearing a commenter [is him] with weird stuff about dysfunctional families mentioned, see other post. Why should it take this long to get a simple online video if he has a copy already? I know whenever I asked for anything that answer from any of them was always NO. He came to me first in this case. I feel more set up then I did before too. If he's reading here, hope he is enjoying it! They deserved no less! Thank you.
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