Feeling Like Deer in the Headlights Way Too Often: Now How Do We Change It

How does one make real money?

1. Don't be disabled.
2. Don't be a scapegoat
3. Don't be nearly deaf and fat.

I hate that deer in the head lights feeling. Every time we get sucker punch emergency, I run around scrambling in my mind.  This time the battery died on our car. We will be able to get it fixed but for people like us, that is scary business.

I used the  Dial A Ride bus to get where I had to go, during the week by myself , my goal of getting more independence that way has come true.

 My husband nixes all my ideas to fix things.

Peep: "Let's get rid of almost everything and  move into a rental room or boarding house and hoard what little money we got!"

He then reminds me, "your medical equipment even without your hospital bed would fill up most small rental rooms".

Peep: "When I was single I ate cold beans out of the can and ramen noodles, and lived in boarding houses."

He responds: "You can't live that way now and you know it."

I then realize, "I am not neat enough for most normal people to tolerate!" I am too Aspie and piss roommates off without meaning to. 

and most rental rooms have STAIRS.

Then we have the discussion, "Maybe we should find someone to move in with to take the pressures off!"

I then say, "That breaks my adult rule of never living with anyone, at least if we get a roommate we would be the ones in charge!"

Your sister would boss us around, she would own us!  I can't be a mooch and have people boss me around. I hate her huge city! She rented an apartment with a steep double stair case I could never do where all the bedrooms are. 

Peep: "Lets get a disability apartment then!"

Peep's Husband: "We were 500 dollars over the cut off last year for 2 people, 

Peep: "well make less this year," [felt dumb saying this]

Peep's husband,  "no we need all the money I can make"

Peep: This rent is costing two thirds of my disability check. [he pays the other bills]

 Peep's husband: "They'll punish me and raise the rent every-time I make more money. It's not exactly a motivator.  It will be only a 100 under what we pay here for exactly half the size"

We have visited the disabled apartments so know what they look like. They aren't thrilled about self employed people happening by.

Peep: "Maybe we should move back to our old town, the rent is cheaper, or move to an even more rural area"

Peep's Husband: "There's no free clinic there for me, there's no charities. We were working class when we lived there.  You will lose your lymph therapist, dentist and house call doctors. "

Peep: "We can't move away from the Dial-A Ride territory. Our car is too old too. The bigger cities are more expensive and the rent would be 50 percent more. " This town has a PACE program I want to enter too. [this is program for disabled and elderly that keeps you out of the nursing home. I know the future of where my body is going]

Peep's Husband: "The bills are crushing us. You gotta do something about those medical bills, we can't afford the almost 100 in payment plans you got going"

Peep: "I have to pay them or they will put me in collections. I don't know what to do. Every option I think of stinks or my health can't tolerate it. Should I get my mammogram done, that will be 17 bucks co-pay."

Peep's Husband: Get that done.

Peep: "I am out of money, can you give me three dollars to take the bus to art class Thursday?" [I got the art class for free basically-scholarship application]

Peep's Husband: "Yes, I made 20 dollars transcribing, I transferred in. It should be here tomorrow.

and so it goes....

This area is charitable at least, the food coop basically has bailed us out big time in being able to eat. They will give us decent foods like organic bread, bran cereal, and meat! Meat is very rare at food pantries, so joining that food co-op has helped my life.  They gave us a roast beef. The last time I bought a roast beef and made it was 2002.  Our old town didn't have near as much charity as this place.

This place has churches with community dinners and we have gotten other help here.  Getting an art class and having free book clubs to go to is other bonuses. I have gotten better at getting help, I was on the waiting list for the food co-op for almost a year. Don't want to give that up.

I have told him we need to hold on to our apartment too, it is safe and quiet and one can't take that for granted. I am praying we don't get a huge rent increase. Life for the poor is not easy. I know my husband is getting worn down and stressed out a lot. We consider having him reapply for disability but he is in the nether reasons, too old and sick to get hired for a regular job or to keep it, but deemed too healthy for full disability. I certainly don't want him as bad off as I am. His gout is worsening. When he gets a bad attack, I walk better then him.

Sometimes I wish I knew other poor people just to know how to survive and WHAT IS NORMAL? Does that sound strange? Maybe not. We talk to some acquaintances in the inner city we definitely relate to far more in terms of economic survival. Trying to survive poverty or figure out what to do is like a puzzle, I have not been able to solve for years. Some may see success in avoiding being homeless.  We need to reach out to more fellow poor people.  When people fall down the ladder like us, it is hard to know what is "normal", how do others manage it. It's like a whole territory of unknown information and unspoken ways.

Sometimes part of my mind wonders how the narcissists got so rich. I know many of them steal everything that isn't nailed down. I wonder even how my mother afforded two 50,000 dollar cars within the last three years. She got her big insurance pay-out in 1998, with all her shopping it seems she would have run out of money but in my world narcs never do. The rest are traveling to Europe and buying vacation homes. It was mind boggling to watch. They never taught me how to live life that way. If I had money I would never waste it the way those people do.

I don't mind a more simple life, for me my desire is just to live without the fear and stress. I sometimes just want to say to husband, "look just accept it." If we end up in the streets, I don't want to be crying the rest of my way through life. I am disabled enough, that if society is standing they have to put me in a home of some sort. [I think] 

One day I got frustrated and yelled, "Lets call the social workers now, and tell them to put us both in a group home!" Let others worry for us!" He thinks I am being melodramatic at these times. I know I have to cool it on my end too at times. He worries about money 24/7. It gets to me. Sometimes I just want to go through a day and not think about money.  I am bad enough worrying about it, obviously from my blog, but he worries even more in a way. Every dime is calculated at every second. He checks our bank account daily to see what is in there even if it is 3 dollars which is where it is at about now.

I have told him maybe we need to adjust our view towards money and life.  Just go through life and live each day. Our panic and fear is making things worse. Chances are barring a Lotto win, we are going to be this poor for the rest of our life. We need to keep life simple and give up some expectations. I was thinking about this while waiting for the bus. It sucks feeling like the mooch and feeling the burdens of worrying people hate you for being poor or always in need but at this point we can't do anything about it. Say thanks to people who help us at the charities and just go on with life.

He is still "driven" and was raised to "succeed" and I know this has taken a toll on him, he grew up a very gifted writer and student expecting better things for his life. His family was lower middle class but a kind of life was detailed for him that did not happen. In my case, I was raised around upper middle class people and wealthy people who had jobs and massive connections. Life simply went by the script for these people. I need to write the connection article soon too just to show you how extreme things were. I was given expectations about life that did not pan out. There's a point where for your happiness you have to adjust expectations. 

I even have thought, why cry and scream and get depressed even if the worse happens? If I die sitting next to a tree in the woods, God will have me. My rent is paid so that's not a concern presently.  I am burnt out. I know one of my personality traits married to resourcefulness and the drive to prepare can actually work against me in the worrying about poverty. I try to pre-plan for all scenarios and a person can drive themselves crazy. While this has helped me, in that I get needs met, it can work against me too.

With my husband, he had a newspaper career and more, he thought would pan out to something better. Even now he seems to dream of a "better future" and is trying to write a book with a partner, that actually was granted publishing already. He has that strange marriage of being "driven for success" but having ended up in poverty, sometimes that can be a bad mixture for someone. It's weird to watch someone work so hard even after all this.

I wish I could figure things out, or how to fix this all, well I have tried for years to figure it all out. I supposedly have a higher IQ, but it's not when it comes to making money.  I can't control it and I'm sick of trying to fix it and beating my head against that brick wall.  Adjusting expectations means more happiness, but we need to figure out what to do about the fear factor.  I know this is a major left over from our Chicago years.

Peep Writes about Being Poor