Saturday, December 27, 2014
Righteous Anger From Narcissistic Abuse
Our anger has a reason to exist. We don't need the preaching of false forgiveness for the unrepentant wicked. We don't want the anger to destroy us and need to avoid revenge, but our anger has a reason because it is a natural reaction to insanity. Ollie says some interesting things here, like telling ourselves "Get over it". He is right that some of us took abuse for decades. I took it for over 40 years, with the exception of this no contact and the few years of my first no contact. Getting over it in one year isn't always going to happen. He is right about that.
"Your anger now is coming from a place of knowledge of what happened to you and a place of righteousness because you were the victim, and you were the abused. Led to believe through decades of abuse that you were the problem. You have every right to that anger."
......
"That anger's righteous."
I was made to feel like I was the problem my whole life, and now I realize I was not. I have been able to forgive myself even knowing that my abuse for my severe medical problems and Aspergers was beyond the pale. That disgusting woman had me even blaming myself for being sick for far too many years. A kind nurse before I went NC, asked me "Why do you blame yourself for being sick?" I know why.
Ollie stresses how the narcissists beat into our heads that everything was our fault and that we were pieces of garbage. He admits even after 5-6 years of NC in his case, he still has to remind himself he isn't the problem. He is right we have to get over the decades of their training.
"The more you find out the more pissed off you get"
That comment made me laugh, because the more I have remembered and more I have assessed what happened to me. I am pissed. I think feeling the anger [making sure to handle it maturely and wisely] is part of the healing process. He is right we can put a name on it and identify it.
"I wasn't the problem, these people were deliberate abusers"
These are the things we have to remind ourselves of, as we work through being ACONs and being NC from our abusers.
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Wow. I think I'm hooked on Ollie's videos. Everything, everything he said. It doesn't always feel good to have anger but we can't force ourselves out of it, it is too much pressure. And it is needed. Every new thing that comes to light for me, drives me completely crazy. I have to get out of the room sometimes away from people, don't know how other's will see me.
ReplyDeleteI felt so horrible how I took out my anger on my youngest daughter who told a small lie. But she is a pathological liar, then I read on someone else's blog how her daughter is now on drugs and taken to the streets and she won't have her back. Her situation seems way worse, my daughter is more stable, that wouldn't happen to her. I started feeling guilty all over again, feeling so selfish as I don't have it as bad.
But that doesn't minimize my problem with my daughter that still exists. And I do realize this. I'm not selfish. I hate how this brainwashing works, its so bad. Then I started feeling so angry again.
And he is right, this will happen for the rest of our lives probably.
Thanks Joan, I have watched all of Ollie's videos. They have helped me a lot. I am glad how he said we can't force ourselves out of our anger, we can control our actions with it, but to try and deny that we are angry, we are only lying to ourselves. It is too much pressure. I know the new things coming to light can be very difficult to deal with. I do understand you being angry with your daughter's lying. Sorry she is doing that. Well all situations are relative. You want your daughter to develop a conscience. If she is lying all the time that can be a problem. I know the narcs teach us to blame ourselves for everything that happens and the bad actions of others. I think we will probably to deal with this the rest of our lives as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this Peep. --Lucky otter
ReplyDeleteThank you for this Sister Peep. I'm still learning how to send you stuff on the blog, so I don't know if you got my last response? Still learning my way around blogs and stuff, and my wife isn't here to help.
ReplyDeleteMy narc mother-in-law died last week, and her funeral is tomorrow. I'm the only one in the entire "family" staying no-contact with the monster's brainwashed minions. My own son has told me I need to be with the "family". My wife has heard repeatedly from her siblings just how much she was loved by this woman that tried to ruin us. I'm sorry, but her death does not change anything in me, including the anger I have toward narc MIL, anger I have toward those seeking to venerate this demon, and anger toward those attempting to gaslight my wife. I'm angry at just how brain dead people can be when it comes to malignant narcs. I'm angry because narc MIL, enabling FIL, and all of their sycophantic followers, have demonstrated time and again how ruthless and DANGEROUS they can be. I wish you could see the impact their dysfunction has had on their grandchildren. It seems the ambient abuse narc MIL and enabling FIL meted against their own children came to fruition in the lives of their children's children, including mine. I'm angry because of everybody's refusal to make any kind of a stand against the wickedness. Of course, I guess when most of that wickedness is directed toward my scapegoat wife, I shouldn't be too surprised at this. But I still wonder at the lack of the fear of God. Yeah, I know it's an antiquated idea in the world today, but in spite of all the yammerings that came from my wife's family about God and country, there wasn't a shred of Godly reverence for truth, or holiness. I'm talking about the truth of God regarding his Word concerning the proud, the scornful and the oppressor. He hates them. He told us to stay away from them. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you so much for your site Sister Peep.
Hi Brother Smakintosh. I got your responses today, not sure if one came through yesterday. I know it takes time to learn these blogs, that is for sure.
ReplyDeleteHow is your wife holding up? She is NC right? I hope your son sees them for what they are.
I am sorry that the minions are trying to tell your wife, she was loved by a narc mother. I have heard the same, from various flying monkeys even in trying to tell them about abuse, "your mother loved you!" Honestly it is a cop-out statement. Some of these narcs will even get the adulation in death. It can be sickening as I have seen other bloggers write about this. My narc father had hundreds from his job show at his funeral, he had been on disability for some years but had the narc popularity.
From what I have seen in this world it seems the most wicked are the most adored and we know the narcs this applies to and it sounds like it is happening with your MIL. I skipped my grandmother's funeral [mother's N mother] who was cold as a stone but she is honored in death as an angel. I have never seen anything like it with cousins naming their children after her, etc.
Be mindful that a new narc will ascend. My mother worsened with my grandmother's death. One of your wife's siblings will take the top narc matriarch controls. I am sorry the grandchildren have suffered so much. My N grandmother one reason I did not go to her funeral, told me to my face her favorite grandchild was this cousin of mine that scares me and who has never done more then grunt at me. I think she knew he was like her. He has no emotions. She wanted to leave her house to him but the family talked her out of it and it went to his father.
The narcdom affects many generations, it will go down a line. None of them will make a stand. I am sorry no one will stand up for your wife and how she ended up as a scapegoat. I of course never was defended by any in my family. Even the few I am in contact with are keeping contact minimal for the sake of my mother, the relationships are already ebbing away, and they were weakened to begin with. I am sorry your wife has felt this pain and been treated so since I personally know how horrible it is. I will pray for her.
Some of mine would play religious too but have no fear of God either or love of honor or truth. God will not tolerate their excuse making for evil and enabling of it. I know the death bed scenes and after death the abuse can feel worse. The others will continue abuse by proxy of scapegoats and continue the scapegoating. I know even the way my NM treats Aunt Scapegoat and others was taught to her by her own mother and she went with it. I agree about God's Word considering the proud, the scornful and oppressor. God bless, I will pray for your wife.
Thank you for the prayer Peep....we need it right now. No, my wife is with them even as I type this at the visitation. And they're working her over hard. I'm moving 400 miles away in 6 weeks to get her and me away from them - that's one of the major reasons for the move. I'm fortunate I can do this.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with you concerning the ascencion of a new alpha narc. It will be one of my wife's siblings. And I want to be out of here before the fighting begins. My wife even asked me the other day how wolves in the wild decide on the alpha, so she's thinking about it.
OMG that's funny about the grunting cousin....lol. Lord have mercy...this sounds mean, but I've seen gorillas at the zoo that look more introspective and intelligent than most narcs I've had the "joy" of dealing with.
I went no contact with my own DNA donators about ten years ago, and the N-laws were the only "family" I thought I had. I guess I was blinded by the desire for a family I could be a part of, because they left clues of their evilness everywhere. We went no contact with them for about 4 years then went back when asked to help them with their "church". Dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. My two kids were developing into responsible adults. Both were developing identities of their own. That's gone.
Aunt Scapegoat. That's creepy stuff you shared about her, I gotta tell you. I'm laughing my butt off as I type this; nobody would believe half the crap we've seen man. You just gotta live it. Thank you so much for your prayers!!!!
Sorry your wife is getting worked over by them. I hope everything finishes quick. I am glad you are moving soon, 400 miles is a good distance and it will help. Don't give any flying monkeys or even family friends your address. Whenever I move next, in town or not [I plan to stay here though] I'm going poof, I don't want mine knowing where I live.
DeleteIts interesting your wife asked that question. Yeah clear out of dodge before the fighting over the will starts. A new Alpha will be selected. They may go to battle like wolves shredding each other if there are two powerful evil narc personalities in the room.
LOL I think the gorillas have more introspection. My grunting cousin, never has dated, and doesn't have a job and lives at home at the age of 27. He went away to college, got straight As but has absolutely no social skills. He's not Aspie, he just doesn't care. I think he is an advanced form of narc, a schizoid one? A sociopath? Will I read about him in the newspaper one day? You know what I mean? I tried talking to him that one day and I've never had a fight with him and he just grunted at me. [He was around 20 at that time]
So sorry you went back to your wife's family, well especially if you were NC with your FOO you just wanted a family like anyone else. I have no in-laws they all died off, and my husband's sister doesn't have anything to do with me. She has told him to leave me so he can come live with her. I went NC with my FOO in my 20s but got sucked back in so I understand this happening. Sorry her family was such a bad influence on your children.
Aunt Scapegoat, is pretty creepy, some time ago I was thinking why did I ever want to even be friends with her, she gives me the willies. She spent her youth smoking pot like it was going out of style. I have seen too much weird stuff with that one. She is kind of like the grunting cousin, she will talk but pretty anti-social in her own creepy way. Thanks for your prayers too.
Ibelieve that holding the anger inside is what led to heart disease,breast cancer,and attempted suicide.I did not become an Autistic activist until the day I almost took my life [because somehow I 'must"be responsiblefor their abuse"] and on the same day realized that what I had done wrong,which was NOTHING, and began planning AutHaven.
ReplyDeleteWe are now planning AutHaven 2, and I am doing well except when I forget that none of what was done to me was my fault,and then I get very down again. This happened today,and that is why I looked for your blog.
Now I am feeling somewhat better.Thank you.
BTW, if you can come up with your own transportation to Colorado, there is a full scholarship available for AutHaven 2015[ March 20-24].I would love for you to be there
Yes holding anger inside can create a lot of problems. I am sorry you got so depressed to want to take your own life. Yes often times we blame ourselves for the terrible abuse and it takes us down in a spiral of deep depression. I am glad you are planning Aut Haven. I am not sure if I could make it to Colorado. I do live rather far from there [don't want to say where] but I have always been interested in AutHaven and read about it before online. I will look into it. Thanks. :)
DeleteI am glad my blog has been able to help you and glad you are feeling better. I have struggled with depression much of my life too.
Hi Peep. if I may join the party albeit late:) Smakintosh wrote about the veneration of the alpha narc when they pass. Got to share this one y'all. This was pre-no contact of course. One of my narc sisters had the nerve to "gift" me a poster sized picture of our deceased malignant narc mother to trump all the pictures of my children and I that I had arranged in a family collage displayed in our living room. Now check this out, she tells me to put flowers and light candles under her picture. I just about looked at her like the rabid dog she must be to firmly suggest some overt witchcraft and veneration to the woman that almost destroyed my life and the lives of my children. Y'all know where that picture ended up right. Let's just say the city dump got even fouler with the pick up on that date. These people are straight up dangerous and I ain't afraid to pepper spray them if we ever run upon them and they won't abide by our nc wishes. Don't judge cause y'all don't know em like I know them. They couldn't handle the humiliation of rejection but guess what they taught me how by their very actions.
ReplyDeleteShudders**
I'm surprised posters of my narc grandmother haven't been passed around at family meetings. I know I pissed the whole lot off in 2007 when I didn't go to her funeral. I had no money and was very ill, it wasn't going to happen. Even though there were relatives right in my state, they were too selfish to take me but I am glad I did not go. It seems like she wanted you to build an ancestor shrine and flirt with idolatry. Kind of creepy. Tell her. "Let the dead bury the dead" or another verse from the Bible. I'd make an art project out of a poster of my mother and draw horns on her head. LOL I hope they leave you alone and praying you stay safe. I live in a separate town and county from my narcs so this helps a lot.
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