For Better or For Worse

Today I am fighting a cold--I think I am winning but my husband is very sick and has been in bed for two days.  I am afraid he could end up in the hospital. Hopefully he is getting better, he seems to be sleeping restfully and has been in bed since 7pm last night. Last night, I asked him, "Are you short of breathe"? wondering if he got pneumonia and ready to call the ambulance but he said, "No". By the way, he has absolutely no health insurance and has needed vein surgery for 6 years. We paid cash for him to see a vein doctor who told him he needs a surgery that costs 3,000 dollars upfront. We will never have it.  We have a free clinic here at least in the ghetto we live near by. Can we have a little less suffering in this household for once? What's it going to take?

If luck was doled out in equal measures in this life, both me and him would be due to win the Powerball Lotto tomorrow to make up for all the rest. Every month seems to bring a PROBLEM with a capital P. Some pundits would tell me, "Peep that is just life!" but come on, we need a bit more balance around these parts.  I wish I could help my husband more. You think I like seeing someone suffer so much I care about?

A pox on all the upper middle class and above houses of his bosses that threw him away including the jerk here, who decided to throw us both into the welfare class instead of letting him be a $40,000 a year copy ad writer. That man destroyed us both.  Ah bitterness. Yeah it can eat you up. Remember while my husband has his challenges like every person, just 12 years ago, he had published a book, he had articles in some national magazines on a specific topic, he had what were considered "career jobs" even if lower paying in newspapers. With the anger,  I try to bury it under some bible-reading and prayer, but when I see how sick he is, and remember how he used to be, how can I help it? So many out there get destroying people and tossing them to the curb. It doesn't matter if you work hard. They get their jollies off taking a hammer to the little guy's head.

Two job lay-offs, one by a narc and one when he was an assistant newspaper editor with a supportive boss where the company--a newspaper was having economic failure and then THAT GUY. Three slams in a row, and his career never recovered. I imagine yuppies as evil sharks. They don't give a damn about anyone and certainly not about a man with a seriously disabled wife. One little difference, one little ounce of non-conformity and they toss you out the door to rot. A class division is being formed in America where you see the elite thin professionals with their high tech know-how and bean counter lack of emotions and then everyone else who doesn't "fit".

Right now I am fighting his illness too that gave me an asthma attack last night where I dreamed that I woke up in my own bedroom with the temperature spiraling down to 5 below, and filling with snow and being unable to breathe. Panic ensued but I had my inhalers. Right now my lungs feel okay, but the illness he has seems to have dive-bombed direct to his lungs and it tried it with mine. I already have thrush right now too.  I feel like I am shutting it away through sheer force of will right at this point.

I wonder if my husband took sick, because in one day, he had the court judge against his car accident case, even with a picture that basically PROVES, that the guy who hit our car, scrapped along the wheel well and along the car side before hitting the door that was only open 1 or 2 inches. The judge didn't care, and said, "I always go with what the police decide". Sorry but to me that is one lazy and poor judge.  I was housebound that day and waiting for the doctor, I wish I had been able to go.

The picture was so obvious, we were sure he would win the case. Well guess again, the justice system in America always favors the richer guy. At least in this case, we were fully insured, but I wonder if we have to pay his court fees. This scum bucket waited two days before Thanksgiving and two years to serve us and well it paid off for a suburban guy who lives in a middle class suburb. I am sure he will have plenty of money for the holidays, while we worry about groceries in the house.

You know it's hard. One wants more meaning in their life besides suffering constantly. I asked my husband if he wanted a break from me and the survival slog just to keep a roof over our head and all the care-taking.  I said, this would be a rest, not a divorce because I loved him. He has a sister he could go live with though my options without a family are far fewer. He said he did not want to leave me.  Hey I don't want him to leave me either I am just worried about him.

I had my own ideas that I did not want to end up in the group home or a nursing home. Why is survival so hard for us? What is wrong with us? He is having health problems and losing functionality. We are both scared.  Feeling like the world wants to kick us in the face constantly adds to the fear and angst levels. A loud knock on the door for us means a server instead of an unexpected visit from a smiling neighbor.

 If you love someone you do not want them to suffer feeling this way along with you. My husband married me when I was already disabled, so in this case, he knew of the future childlessness and disabilities. These were not sprung on him though when I was younger we thought my health would improve more.

When my husbands career cracked up, our relationship was under extreme pressure. I wanted to go back to my old community at the time. I worried I was bringing him down with my medical needs. I was upset to be taken back and retriggered to my severe poverty I had in Chicago. We had weird discussions, where once I joked, "Maybe we should not stay married and should each find a functional partner that knows how to survive in this world, and who has money". He has two friends with wealthy girlfriends who go on vacations and don't have to worry about money though one has to do caretaking like him. There is an old song, or saying, "When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window". It definitely has been a test on this relationship.

When we met each other we fell in love very quickly. I still love him, but lately I do worry. Disabilities are not easy on any marriage. Constant money problems aren't either. You also have the issue of an Aspie and another would be Aspie, where sometimes it seems we will be crushed by some smiling neurotypicals who tell us to be positive and give us a long laundry list of how we don't measure up in the world and are responsible for our own suffering. Sadly in this "positive thinking" world one gets that false positive tyranny spiel. It only hurts people. He hasn't given up, he works on another book deal, does freelance, but the struggle is never ending. His health is to the point that getting a menial job when he can't stand more then 20 minutes from DVT, is just not going to work. He is still in the newspaper field with his articles and name in our local papers though more indirectly via stringer work, but I will say this, he deserved a lot better then how they treated him.

I am old school when it comes to marriage. This is one reason we are still together. My religious beliefs are to avoid divorce. Yes I understand sometimes people do end divorced often through no fault of their own. We are friends and can laugh together. We can have great fun together when our spirit is light and it is a good day.  He knows more me more then any other person. However I have been sad this year watching what he has gone through. It has made me cry these last few years. I want things to change for the better for us. He has helped keep me going and I believe I am still alive because of him. I just wish the world would take a break from trying to crush us. I want us to have some new happy memories.