Monday, December 1, 2014
With the Very Few I am in Contact with
"The narcissist is able to subvert every member of a family"
One good thing about this video is he brings up the issue of how we are not believed and how entire families to far flung cousins and aunts will be turned against the scapegoat. He is right about narcissists being "perception crafters". I am glad the Bible warns about these type of people subverting entire families. Most of the world does not understand how this can happen.
I know I have to be careful and protect myself.
I can see things ebbing away. I don't want to try anymore to fix dead end relationships. Some may be able to stay acquaintances of mine on Facebook, others I know I have little more to say to them.
When I went No Contact, I went no contact with around 16 people in my family. So when I say there is only a few left.....
With a few young ones, such as one niece who has written me, I pray and try to have hope, but I know the family system surrounds and trains all of them. I have noticed in the letters she writes me, she seems afraid to go too deep. She doesn't answer direct questions. She refuses to share her Instagram link with me that she mentioned. What is the big deal in sharing it? I don't know if her email is read by her parents or not so it may not be her fault. She may have been told not to share it. I keep the letters friendly and polite but have noticed this even on small matters.
Ollie Matthews once warned of keeping company with those who keep company with our abusers. He is correct about this. They do hurt you. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Even with my kind cousins, the grown children of the "Aunt that Loved Me", the narcissistic net surrounds them. They spent Thanksgiving with the uncle that directly insulted me before I went no contact. His wife is Aunt Denial who teamed up with my mother to keep me from family events for years.
This is the uncle who trashed me overtly for being poor on Facebook, the one who is the favorite brother of my mother. I told one of them how he treated me, and even though this cousin is otherwise nice to me, he ignored this. He didn't want to hear it and in a response to a letter skipped that topic. That uncle recently is getting closer with all three of them, inviting them to dinners and hanging out with them on a continuous basis. I find myself thinking this is the guy who would run and smash my face into the ground when I would go on family visits as child. This is the guy who wrote, that "all poor people are lazy bums", on Facebook when my husband has faced lay-off problems. What on earth do they see in this guy? Why is he suddenly paying so much attention to them?
As I wrote in another post, I'm not sending a nephew any more cards after this last one unless there is a response. I haven't spoken with him since 2012. I gave him an email address and he has full internet access. He is 16, I know an age where many boys are busy and not thinking of an aunt, but why send any more cards and letters only to be ignored? He has refused to befriend me on Facebook.
I have a pit in my stomach, I've realized about ANY of my relatives. This includes the cousins. Does it makes sense that I feel betrayal for their love of my abusers and loyalty to them? They all have contact with my mother too though they only see her at occasional family gatherings.
I notice in all the letters, everything is parceled out, they ignore my questions in general or points. I'm not laying it on thick, and trying to focus on the "good stuff". A couple years ago, I asked to befriend one's child on Facebook who is 14, and he said, "That is my ex-wife's department, you can ask her." I was turned down, she is friends with my mother. These kind of things hurt. I never had one harsh word with his ex-wife. Never. That was the work of my mother.
The cousins are polite and nice to me but holding me at extreme arm's length. A few of these side relatives I told them how bad the abuse was, and how even when sick, how my immediate family rejected me, but there they would remain silent. They refused to discuss these issues. A couple admitted that my mother responded to my adoption questions very strangely but that was it. Otherwise, they seemed afraid of even writing one mild question about my mother or criticism. They are growing closer with my abusers, it worries me. With one cousin, I was helping him find a book, and he seemed surprised I would take the time. That was kind of weird. He spoke of a book, his mother read to him as a child. His mother was loving, mine was not. I was never read to not once as a child.
Inside emotionally they just represent rejection to me. I had some hope for the younger ones, but even with that, I just don't want to try anymore. I am tired of "proving" myself to people. I just do not want to do it anymore. The one niece who writes me seems to care and I do her, but even there I feel sadness knowing they will be doing everything in their power to lead her away. The sense of loss can be overpowering.
With my brother, I have gone even more limited contact. He called me on Thanksgiving, but I could tell the phone call was different. He remembered me, but I didn't expend much energy as he bragged about all his holiday shopping, yes he knows in my case, there is no money for any shopping, and I got off the phone very quickly.
I want to protect myself more, and I am not expending energy on these relationships anymore but the bare minimum, even there, I know I will have to address the pit in my stomach I have dealing with any of them and how much in some integral way outside of the youngest how they all disappoint me so much. Some of these relationships will be coming to an end too. I already know it. The me of today would rather be alone then grovel before anyone. If they don't believe me and support my abusers and visit them all the time and are closer to them what future can there be?
Inside I do feel betrayed, I can't help it. The relationships probably have little future. Unlike close friends where I can share feelings, and deep thoughts, here, I am always blocked. They all hold me at arm's length for the sake of my abusers. Here I have to take my own advice, "Don't go to empty wells!"
When Scapegoats Are Ostracized By An Entire Family