Money, Snobs and Narcissists

I've been pondering many things about life lately. Life in America now is all about status and appearances. It took me too long to learn how the real world worked, and in an attempt not to sound too cynical-- it has worsened. Life seems to have changed, where now there seems to be endless numbers of people kicked to the curb and unless you fit a certain criteria you are not wanted. It's like high school rewound again, with the snobs and mean girls taking over. How much human talent and potential is being wasted in a system like this?

 I made the decision years ago, though while I am very sick, often bedbound, that I will do things that mean something to me, and make use of my talents, even though they are not income producers. This isn't me but another lady that was in the news for being housebound. Even if I am stuck in this apartment or worse this body, I can still do a few things.

 
This includes various volunteer projects, making art work, writing and more. In other words while many disabled people become very isolated and shut off from the world, especially us housebound types, I made the decision that I would have a voice elsewhere and do something that impacted the world, even if so many doors were being shut in my face or in facing the limitations of the health problems.


One friend said to me direct and these were words, that were well taken and the kind of thing that you turn to during low moments and said to me regarding the family I went "no contact" with, "Fivehundredpoundpeep, your life is far richer then theirs in many, many ways!"

Young people are given very false expectations and not prepared for the world as it really is. No one is telling America's young about the collapse of the US economy unless they are the smart and independent sort who have the time and resources to find snippets of the "alternative" media that may tell them.

Oddly I have encountered some well-off Baby Boomers who seem to ignore how the world has changed and because they have the means where it simply has not touched them, they deny the reality of many others. One stat I read is that over 65 year old Baby Boomers are 47 times richer then their children and grandchildren. This doesn't mean every Baby Boomer has done well or has these attitudes, but that is an awe-inspiring statistic. Generation X and Y have done far less well.

Just today, I wrote to an acquaintance on a social website how I had been raised in an upper middle class home and fell down the ladder very badly and how the chasm grew so wide, between me and my family. I saw them living in another world clueless about how I even had to live and survive. She seemed angry at me for these words, and oddly during the same post, I thought she was speaking out AGAINST slum tourism but I suppose was more in favor of it. Poor people as pets and to be patronized? Is this the latest thing among some circles?

 I felt like I was on my own opposite tour when I would go visit them. There were times I would enter my family's 6 figure suburban enclaves, and one sunny Saturday morning, as the lawnmowers buzzed and the large brick homes with their clean windows and flowers shined, I wondered to myself "What would it be like to live in this world, to feel safe and like everything is okay?" Add to that inner musings, about what life as a "normal" person would have been about.

But hey since the 50s, we have heard about the suburban milieu that goes on behind the pretty scenery and green lawns and I have my own memories of family life where keeping up with the Joneses was top priority and happiness was not.

 When I think about the depth of rejection I encountered from my family from all levels and for so long, how did someone like me even manage to get out in the world? Those who had been given the job to protect, care and nurture me, seemed more involved in kicking me when I was down and enjoying my failures. Years ago after I was not helped, there was a little help but a pound of flesh accompanied all of it. My sister's attitude that the poor are to be avoided and rejected, relations or not, was taught! My brother told me being subservient to richer family members was the way of the world and I needed to get back in line, instead of daring to walk away! What does this do to someone to be told this stuff for years? I couldn't take it anymore so I walked.

If one does not have decent furniture--the decor is garage sale a la mode or the "right" clothes, or has to wear the same outfit over and over, one can suffer for this. These are pressures that go way beyond the weight. The looks of disgust from my family have intertwined with those who reject me in the world. Imagine how I felt inside to overhear gossip in my old town even, "I've been to her apartment, she doesn't own anything!" with various socio-economic related comments. This is why my sister with her clean new dark wood floors, a new car every other year, who pays the same I do in rent on property taxes decided long ago, on my lower status in her life. 

One thing I noticed about the most malignant narcissists in my family is they never faced any job lay-offs, never any failures or ones they let be known. Raised by people who believe in never showing any weakness or vulnerability how could one even deal with the hardships of life that come to most?  How did they acquire wealth or comfortable jobs so easily? The narcissism if anything seemed to guarantee them MORE success. Was this connections I did not know about behind the scenes or something else? The story of my life among my family includes not being invited to a wedding because a cousin happens to be marrying a multi-millionaire, and I guess they didn't want me "messing" up the pictures again just like with my sister's wedding! The day after this dis-invite, my aunt called to brag about the silver set my mother had purchased for the bride.

My own family rejected me because I became poor as an adult but that was just one thing among many others, and sadly the problems I faced in my own jobs mostly due to my physical health--I was a good classroom teacher even with the mild Aspergers [people ask me to volunteer teach today even] and husbands later job lay-offs, it was like the movie Groundhog day being told that I was unworthy by my family and then by the world. I've overcome this in some ways in that I am astonished by what I managed with so many health and other challenges. To be frank, a dirt poor but loving family would have been far better. Sigh.  The path of self forgiveness and happiness has been with getting free and clear of those with these evil messages.

I had this discussion with another friend online, that American society has skewed in a very abrupt way to a place where now everything is about selling yourself. This seems to be a system that rewards the narcissistic, where networking that is shallow, arrogance, hiding all mistakes, and showing no emotions and having no problems in throwing others under the bus in a King or Queen of the Mountain frenzy. In other words, it's the meanest sharks in the pool getting the biggest cut! Often times, I do wish I had been born into a more sane place and culture. There are worse certainly of course.

Children from elementary school are told to think of themselves as special and to compete to the extreme now, so what does that form but narcissism? It seems there are two choices one can make in this system, be left behind, and down and out, or be one of the arrogant alpha sharks. That is what we are seeing. The universities especially in a business school setting, they would be stressing all the criterias of success, that so few are questioning that are leading to the higher rates of sociopathy and narcissism among the most successful. The sociopath rate in Wall Street is 10%. What does this mean for a society as a whole?

I was raised with a dog eat dog ethos. How did I abandon it? Reading the Bible when I was 9? Kind nuns wearing habits who were my teachers? Even though I left the Catholic religion and became a born again Christian, many were sincere and preached a strong moral code. The books I read? Surely I am not saying I was the epitome of perfection, the bible says none are good and that includes me but lately I have examined how my values from an early age did not match that of my family. Any idealism was to be squashed and I still remember one conversation with my father when he sneered, "You are too much of an idealist!" Odd for some that would be a compliment but in my family it was an insult. Altruism was seen as the domain of dummies. In fact my propensity for volunteer work and desire to be an art teacher was mocked among family members.  

Money and materialism became the focus especially in the 1980s. Business "success" became all about the cash. Years ago there was this notion among the business community, they were to build up a community, they wanted a LEGACY in their town or community, but with the breaking up of our social connections and social contract---think about the book BOWLING ALONE. The idea of legacy and giving to one's community or philanthropy. Where are the Carnegie libraries of today?

Is their attachment to community anymore? I had people upset with me not understanding that in leaving my last small rural town, it brought me endless grief.

Why has the world become so cut throat? Too many people are disposable today. Sadly it seems narcissism in some circles equals social intelligence. Why are narcissists today seen as popular and more even if the connections and attachment are not the same. Narcissists can appear as the most socially intelligent. Many of these big cheeses don't rule by fear either, but with a smile on their face and by covert intimidation and gifts. They can make themselves in a business or company situation look like they are all giving and build an "image" of themselves that is just a façade. With our educational and work system focusing on image so much and social success being defined as "getting over on others", it is advancing the narcissists like never before. 

I believe in earlier times, and years ago, narcissists were held somewhat in check by stronger social networks and life long communities. People knew who the betrayers were and who could not be trusted when push came to shove and who were focused on self advancement.  All the focus on certain types of achievement in our society has had this inverse affect of promoting the very narcissism they pretend to condemn on one hand. I know being who I am, this fat, this different, I am outside "the system" so to speak, while I have found a few niches, there is a reason I had "do it yourself' art shows. They didn't make big money but were satisfying and had many that appreciated my art work and it was fun to share it. I had to find my own way in a system that basically cast me out.

A major part of my narcissistic abuse centered around being called a "loser" especially as I entered adulthood and did not enter into a large amount of money or high paying job. What scares me is I had a bachelors degree in art education and was even studying to become a paralegal and was later married to a small town newspaper reporter and assistant editor though my husband later faced job-layoffs.  I still got this backlash, it's not like I was lying back and doing nothing with my life at that point. Why so many false judgments and pressures?

 For narcissists, a grown child is to be a source of narcissistic supply, a mirror reflecting back "their awesomeness" and I suppose that when an adult child does not become a source of this supply where a narcissist can brag of their achievements, and how beautiful they are, or of the grandchildren, then one becomes useless to them. They are shunted away as a "family embarrassments". It was scary to see the other "throwaways" in my family while the Eagle Scouts and straight A students and the THIN were elevated. Even there I saw the total lack of love and care for ALL parties concerned.

 I have or had this great hang-up with money, I often thought that if I had come into money or somehow "made it" such as when I was attempting to publish a book in the last 90s, that maybe one day I would be deemed acceptable and loved. Today I know that was a futile pursuit among narcissists, and even if I had won the Lotto or hit the big times in some venture, that it wouldn't be enough. Of course there one wonders why do people have to "prove" themselves this way now? Isn't that sick. Why can't we just be people? Well that is the better world and one I chose to join as a Christian, let the others be entranced with the dollar signs and worldly success where everyone is over-awed with the baubles of this world that do not last.

There were times my mother would even have parties for family and sometimes would invite her friends too, and some years ago, she would keep these parties secret from me especially ones where both friends and family were invited. Can you imagine? Yes it hurt.

There was one time I showed up at one of her parties, I found out about it by accident, she ignored me the whole time I was there, but I walked around saying hello to various relatives and others. Strangely there was this fat woman there, she was a coworker of my mother, maybe in the mid 300s and I got into a conversation with her and she told me she was diagnosed with Cushings and I told her about my then new pseudo-Cushings diagnosis.  One thing I figured out about my mother fat people were okay to have around as friends and coworkers and even husbands, but not as daughters.

My mother due to her money, [upper middle class] deemed herself totally superior to me. There was no notion of the family being in it together to help one another. Any help of years ago came with a price and behind the scenes any relative in need of help or facing failure and illness was vilified and condemned as lacking in every possible way. Maybe I will tell you the story of how one aunt was left in poverty even worse then my own, and how she was treated too, but this idea that dollars make some people "better" then others, really is disturbing.

This was a code that if I had not chosen to abandon it via religious and other moral means, that would have led to my destruction. Who was I in a system where money and worldly success meant everything? I was nothing and that is exactly how they treated me!

 My adult life has fluctuated between destitution and years of a stable working class position via my husbands efforts. Years ago, even the working class was respected as salt of the earth, but today  they aren't seen on our TVs. I even think about how in the days of Laverne and Shirley, two women were shown with normal working class jobs, though they had a far bigger apt then many would have ended up with. The community they were surrounded by was working class too and everyone was treated like a human being. Add in celebrity culture where everything is about gathering attention and selling yourself it is turning more people into narcissists from an early age.

  One thing too with the narcissism and the college set and more in the professional class, they are training people to express LESS emotions. While I can understand people not wanting their pilots or surgeon boo-hooing at the controls or at the surgery table, I could write a whole essay on that and why it is happening. SOFT emotions are seen as weakness. This is how narcissists view emotion, many are cold, and emotions are SHOWTIME if shown at all. I even have noticed in the movies of the 50s they show men, strong men crying. Today that does not happen in our media. I was taught not to express emotions and while some have said this was another generation's outlook, I think it went far deeper then that. Is that related to the growing narcissism in society? 

I've discussed already the obsession with appearances what about with suppression of emotion? There is more cruelty growing out there, such as throwing people out of the job running for not having the right credit rating, how do you improve it if you can't get a job? Cutting the presently unemployed out of the job running. The system seems to be getting harder and crueler, and I haven't even mention our lists of insane laws.  While news pundits will go on about the haves and have nots, there is something far more insidious going on in American culture then the just going without the money, there is the destruction of relationships, of family, of connections of community happening among all the false messages. I see some who subscribe to this whole system, saying "Ah you losers, go whine!, I'm a winner!" and you see the impact on the fat and weight loss world. Fat people as I have written elsewhere have greater numbers among the poor. There is a class marker of thinness and wealth being developed. There too how much human talent and potential is being wasted?

The other day I said to my husband, "why are all these authors on the backs of books now thin and beautiful"? I don't think that was the criteria years ago! Ever notice how appearance based rules count for everything now while character does not? The same code that renders fat people silent, in a system also renders many other groups silent. Money is the biggest taboo topic in American society.

Thank God I've met many nice people along the way, who see me as a person first and where humanity and other things count for far more then the shallow snobs who see people as a numbers game. I do think there is definite growing narcissism out there and more rewards for narcissism, that concerns me. Let them have their money, there are more important things in life.