Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Latest Medical and Life Notes

[abstract art done by me years ago, forget what year...LOL]

I found an endocrinologist that was close and not a two hour distance. I see him Tuesday afternoon. I am praying that he will listen. Hey they got my metabolic problems marked all over the place, now help me. Eating-- I feel guilty about eating anything. I ate a sandwich for breakfast, was I bad person not to be in the mood for organic cereal for the first time in a week? It's driving me nuts.

The other day, I pondered with friends developing an eating disorder to get weight off. That's the only thing left, either to barf it up, or figure out a way to ignore or to destroy hunger pain without passing out or being required to eat every 4-5 hours like clockwork.  Diabetes is a cruel task master.

One scary this is if I am forced off one kidney drug, is food will become an absolute enemy. There isn't much room for error. With the food allergies and the long list of foods that will create stones even while on the drugs, I'm going nuts. While a normal person can have an occasional hamburger for me it means automatic illness. The other day to eat healthy, I ate some tofu scramble to replace the scrambled eggs I'm allergic to with whole wheat toast, and my thyroid swelled up, I know I was not imagining it. How do I win in that mess? Thin people even notice all my strange eating habits.

Pursuing an Out and Out Cushings Diagnosis?

I see an endocrinologist again this week. THE MAIN QUESTION , What is causing the kidney stones?

I hope I can talk to this one and get him to listen. Just please get to the bottom of all this and figure out what is wrong with me. I'm even up for some genetic testing.

The fat remember is JUST ONE THING. I have been dealing with some serious fatigue. The floaters in my eyes are going crazy. They bug me when I'm online. I'm going more deaf too. There isn't much hearing left to lose. I went into my medical records with my housecall doctors--I have passwords etc, and realize they are even marking me down as MAL-NUTRITIONED. Yesterday I ate a pear, carrot sticks, celery sticks,  raspberries, among other food, so plenty of fruit and vegetables. Probably bad absorption somewhere along the way. I want to try and get a use juicer to make up for this. My balance issues, I have to be careful, I almost fell down in the kitchen but haven't had any falls since last year.

The way I live my life lately is doing what is MOST important to me, times with friends and groups when I'm not housebound from weather, and well let's just say housework has slipped to the last on the list. This apt. looks bad. I guess I am fulfilling the stereotypes of the big fat woman who fails at cleaning. I do feel some shame about this. I do sometimes get to cleaning but all I get done is one or two pieces of the puzzle, I bleached out the bathtub last Wednesday, I gathered trash one day. That may keep the landlord from calling the health department or from any stenches bringing complaints from the neighbors but I know if I could get one giant clean-out done to this place, it would improve my mental health. My husband's cleaning standards are far lower then my own, he will do laundry, some of the dishes, trash, errands--he's driving me to a friend's soon this afternoon, and says I am too bent out of shape about our messy apartment. It just seems the tasks are never ending.

As I amble around in here, I think that needs done, so does that. I wish there was someone strong enough to haul this broken TV out of the bedroom--neither of us are. I even called churches for help a few months ago, they claimed they were doing "help" for the community but didn't get anywhere. I did used to get help from my old church in my old community. The amount for a clean out is so expensive but  maybe I can get myself motivated, because I did get a little money together for the carpets to be cleaned after I clean out some of the junk in here.

I wish I had kids or family members to help me clean.  Bad thoughts about "lazy" fat women filter through my mind. I do sometimes clean it, it is never a complete job, and to do even this surface cleaning means two whole days, and then swelling up bad. It's like I know the suffering to come and don't want to do it based on that.

I am getting nursing care for my lymphedema leg, guess they have decided I can have it wrapped now, since it is getting infected every two months. I hope they can improve it. Even shrinking it down would make life easier. It's double the size of my other. I am glad I can get this service now.

I have been going on a daily walk when weather is decent. I'm still tired. I walk to make sure I still can. Yesterday I sat on a river front watching boats go by and walked around a bit with my walker. That is like therapy to the mind.

 I could literally just fall into bed and sleep all day. I am not as depressed, I still enjoy many things, but it's like a two ton weight and like weight on my eyeballs. Even doctors are noticing, while I was at the kidney doctor, I laid back on his couch and zoned out. Maybe it was good to have a late afternoon appointment because I knew he could tell I was somewhat checked out. The giant kidney stone shrank, so I'm still on the medicine so it's completely gone. It was a relief not to need surgery!! My weight this go around was 513. Three pounds down from three months ago.  Why did 486lbs disappear like a fart in the wind? I didn't eat anymore and was still exercising.

I feel like I am decompressing lately, the no contact from the abusive family? I just want to read books and sit in parks and stare and think and hang out with my friends. I just want to work on my hobbies. I am supposed to do an art therapy project next Saturday and go to a stamp show next Sunday, trying to get my living in before the "too cold to go out" door closes and I'm housebound again. The "too hot to go out" door just opened a few weeks ago.

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