Wednesday, November 30, 2016
ACONS: Paranoia is Having All the Facts?
I always loved this song.
One of my favorite saying is:
Yesterday something happened where I did worry an enemy did something against me. However I waited before going to battle, to make sure I had the facts down and a clerk had made an error. Thank God I did. Don't underestimate the human propensity for error. Sometimes I get tired of having to babysit on every score. Can't I just be poor and happy and left alone? Paperwork is the scorn of my existence.
You know if someone gets stabbed in the back often enough, they may flinch a little bit for a while.
For years, I was told I was paranoid when I questioned my mother. As she gaslighted the hell out of me, I was told even against my what my own eyes and ears that what I saw, or heard did not happen. My father could be present but even he would lie for my mother and change his story if he was there too. She would erase memories as everyone stood there rewriting history for her sake.
Her latest story to the family is that I have gone "crazy" and I left her and dumped everyone else because I am "paranoid". This is obvious from what my cousin has said to me. He at least believes she is a malignant narcissist but I hope he can see through her lies one day. I am supposedly some psychotic like a person strung out on drugs below a window shivering in fear, due to my poor "maligned" family. According to her, I just imagined it all. I supposedly have "cracked up" and imagined my "persecution" and my brain is so far gone, my imagination has gone "overboard".
A new jerk today actually showed up and said, "You have wondered if your family has you on a harrassment list?' and then smeared me for being crazy for thinking such a thing. Why wouldn't I think such a thing? All the experiences detailed on this blog where I even got lied to about my father having seizures in front of me as a teen, and you think my family is trustworthy? Why? Unless you are a jerk that always takes the narcissist's side.
The would be state senator lost, just found that out though most likely he will run again. I really do have a family where people were handed 6 figure jobs right out of high school and college. I'm not making it up. They have connections in finance, and government and more. One cousin, works with celebrities and is married to man who has famous people in media listed on his Facebook. If I broke my anonymity I could prove all of this. Anyhow it's just a theory. Where does the line of "bad luck" end and the line of full out sabotage begin? Why were their fortunes so very different? It's a question anyone's going to ask. I know I could be wrong but it is a theory that has crossed my mind.
Anyhow if someone wants to take me to task for that, things happened right in front of my eyes. My father was second in command of a government organization. He had a good enough job and position, his retirement warranted an article in the local newspaper. I tried to get a job there when I was in my 20s and desperate and was turned down. While people out of high school were being hired for the good clerking jobs, I was closed out and slunk back to my Arby's job and lay off from my art teaching job and the plastic factories. Yes I could type and had the other needed skills. My mother got hired there some years earlier in the 1980s and enjoyed a secure middle class income and today's retirement.
My husband applied in at this government organization in the early 2000s, trying to get more secure benefits. My mother put him up to it, but it was all an act. He didn't get any job there or any interview. How foolish we were to think he had any chance of getting in!
One can argue the downfalls of nepotism, I understand, but it's obvious with scapegoats it doesn't work so well. So some sabotage happened right in front of my face. I didn't have to be "paranoid" to fathom that some people were allowed certain securities like a decent income to form a foundation for their lives and others were not. When my husband missed one government job by "one point" at different place, I started wondering what was going on. They didn't have connections there that I know of but looking back of decades of these moments, knowing my life was destroyed when someone always gave a thumbs down. There was too many negative turning on the dime. I've never had a statistics class, but I knew long ago something was "wrong".
Even with the job here, in 2007, when I told my mother he lost the job here after three months in, she said to me, "I knew he would lose that job!" That was a strange thing to say because his time at his two earlier jobs was 5 years and then 3 and half years for the second one. He kept his jobs. What would you think to hear such a thing?
So when I see every little bit of harrassment coming down the road like 20 year old parking tickets, why wouldn't I wonder if it had something to do with my family? I know I could be wrong. It is a theory. You know a lot of ACONS get called paranoid. I remember my years of trying to tell other relatives as my mother baked chocolate sheet cakes and smiled for company about my abuse, but I was not believed. My siblings learned to deny their abuse and turn into fellow narcissists accepting abuse, coldness and lies as reality while I refused. I was told then I was "paranoid", and "stupid" and "making things up" and that my thoughts were "wrong".
Our friends have remarked on our endless strings of "bad luck". They have told us to our face they are shocked at all these small harassments and endless problems adding up and told us they have never seen anything like it in their lives. One friend even the other day said to me, "Your husband is so intelligent, I just don't understand what has happened to him". It's gotten to the point where I am scared to get my mail. With the clerking error, the mistake was really bad. She wrote that my husband lived alone, even as I sat there right next to him in her office as he had some medical forms filled out. I told her direct I was married to him. This person has no way of knowing my family but you can see how these things add up.
My husband is not a bum and worked hard. How did he end up so empty handed and pushed down to nothing? He has excellent writings skills and even once got a book published, but nope, we weren't allowed to have a decent life. So am I paranoid to think that the people who had the power to offer me a decent job in my early 20s but refused that and then later for my husband, may be up to no good now? Chances they could care less. They have written me off but there is the chance they are up to no good still. I am a scapegoat they want to see suffer and fail. They don't want me to get ahead. After I thought of the dozens of opportunities, several destroyed right in front of my face, that's not paranoia, that's FACTS. The hoovering ended finally but I don't put anything past sociopaths.
One thing that happened to me and one reason Mrs. Curses and catfish got some inroads is I was taught to ignore my intuition. Before I figured out I was being betrayed and screwed for sure from both of them, I had thoughts inside my head where I pooh-poohed them and thought, "Don't be so paranoid, Peep".
There was more then a few times with Mrs. Curses and catfish before I dumped them even early on where I thought bad things about them. I felt "evil" and didn't pay attention and thought inside I was being "unfair" and "too paranoid".
Online and on the phone is more complicated. I'm usually so busy trying to "hear" because of my deafness and interpret what people are saying, emotional stuff gets lost. Sociopaths are easier to "see" then "hear" I guess. I thought Mrs. Curses was not who she seemed to be but then I would think "Oh she has been abused, she is really your friend, just be kind and lead her away from the crazy legalisms she has gotten into" and with catfish, she would say these backstabby passive aggressive things where I made excuses, in my head, and thought I was "being paranoid". I would think "Oh she is bedbound, she is so bad off, you must give her a little room for anger and emotional upsetness". Both ways of thought absolutely screwed me. I should have listen to the thoughts I dismissed as "paranoid".
You know there are a lot of liars out there. Online there's false identities galore too. I can tell when someone is manufacturing an identity online. There's lots of people who even provide their own audience for their own blogs. One I am thinking of was a giant narc-defender. Don't ask me why some are crazy enough to do that. They think they will provide their own traffic and then increase it I guess. Every blogger is familiar too with people who create false personas. Some are so over the top you know they can't be real. Is that paranoia or just the fact of negative things about human nature?
I wonder about people who get angry and call people "paranoid" for wondering what others are up to. I have noticed to suspect any bad deeds instead of being a willing dupe to every narcissist seems to bring up ire in some people. I figure some are sheltered types who don't like their bubbles popped, while others are up to no good, and don't like it when a nosy person is in their midst. They are the types who get mad whenever someone questions politicians or the system too.