Wednesday, November 30, 2016

ACONS: Paranoia is Having All the Facts?

I always loved this song.

One of my favorite saying is:

Yesterday something happened where I did worry an enemy did something against me. However I waited before going to battle, to make sure I had the facts down and a clerk had made an error.  Thank God I did. Don't underestimate the human propensity for error. Sometimes I get tired of having to babysit on every score. Can't I just be poor and happy and left alone? Paperwork is the scorn of my existence.

You know if someone gets stabbed in the back often enough, they may flinch a little bit for a while. 

For years, I was told I was paranoid when I questioned my mother. As she gaslighted the hell out of me, I was told even against my what my own eyes and ears that what I saw, or heard did not happen. My father could be present but even he would lie for my mother and change his story if he was there too. She would erase memories as everyone stood there rewriting history for her sake.

Her latest story to the family is that I have gone "crazy" and I left her and dumped everyone else because I am "paranoid".  This is obvious from what my cousin has said to me. He at least believes she is a malignant narcissist but I hope he can see through her lies one day.  I am supposedly some psychotic like a person strung out on drugs below a window shivering in fear, due to my poor "maligned" family. According to her,  I just imagined it all.  I supposedly have "cracked up" and imagined my "persecution" and my brain is so far gone, my imagination has gone "overboard".

 A new jerk today actually showed up and said, "You have wondered if your family has you on a harrassment list?' and then smeared me for being crazy for thinking such a thing. Why wouldn't I think such a thing? All the experiences detailed on this blog where I even got lied to about my father having seizures in front of me as a teen, and you think my family is trustworthy? Why? Unless you are a jerk that always takes the narcissist's side.

The would be state senator lost, just found that out though most likely he will run again. I really do have a family where people were handed 6 figure jobs right out of high school and college. I'm not making it up. They have connections in finance, and government and more. One cousin, works with celebrities and is married to man who has famous people in media listed on his Facebook. If I broke my anonymity I could prove all of this.  Anyhow it's just a theory. Where does the line of "bad luck" end and the line of full out sabotage begin? Why were their fortunes so very different? It's a question anyone's going to ask.  I know I could be wrong but it is a theory that has crossed my mind.

Anyhow if someone wants to take me to task for that, things happened right in front of my eyes. My father was second in command of a government organization. He had a good enough job and position, his retirement warranted an article in the local newspaper. I tried to get a job there when I was in my 20s and desperate and was turned down. While people out of high school were being hired for the good clerking jobs, I was closed out and slunk back to my Arby's job and lay off from my art teaching job and the plastic factories. Yes I could type and had the other needed skills.  My mother got hired there some years earlier in the 1980s and enjoyed a secure middle class income and today's retirement.

 My husband applied in at this government organization in the early 2000s, trying to get more secure benefits.  My mother put him up to it, but it was all an act.  He didn't get any job there or any interview. How foolish we were to think he had any chance of getting in!

One can argue the downfalls of nepotism, I understand, but it's obvious with scapegoats it doesn't work so well. So some sabotage happened right in front of my face. I didn't have to be "paranoid" to fathom that some people were allowed certain securities like a decent income to form a foundation for their lives and others were not. When my husband missed one government job by "one point" at different place, I started wondering what was going on. They didn't have connections there that I know of but looking back of decades of these moments, knowing my life was destroyed when someone always gave a thumbs down. There was too many negative turning on the dime. I've never had a statistics class, but I knew long ago something was "wrong".

Even with the job here, in 2007, when I told my mother he lost the job here after three months in, she said to me, "I knew he would lose that job!" That was a strange thing to say because his time at his two earlier jobs was 5 years and then 3 and half years for the second one. He kept his jobs. What would you think to hear such a thing?

So when I see every little bit of harrassment coming down the road like 20 year old parking tickets, why wouldn't I wonder if it had something to do with my family? I know I could be wrong. It is a theory.  You know a lot of ACONS get called paranoid. I remember my years of trying to tell other relatives as my mother baked chocolate sheet cakes and smiled for company about my abuse, but I was not believed. My siblings learned to deny their abuse and turn into fellow narcissists accepting abuse, coldness and lies as reality while I refused. I was told then I was "paranoid", and "stupid" and "making things up" and that my thoughts were "wrong".

Our friends have remarked on our endless strings of "bad luck". They have told us to our face they are shocked at all these small harassments and endless problems adding up and told us they have never seen anything like it in their lives.  One friend even the other day said to me, "Your husband is so intelligent, I just don't understand what has happened to him". It's gotten to the point where I am scared to get my mail. With the clerking error, the mistake was really bad. She wrote that my husband lived alone, even as I sat there right next to him in her office as he had some medical forms filled out. I told her direct I was married to him. This person has no way of knowing my family but you can see how these things add up.

My husband is not a bum and worked hard. How did he end up so empty handed and pushed down to nothing? He has excellent writings skills and even once got a book published, but nope, we weren't allowed to have a decent life. So am I paranoid to think that the people who had the power to offer me a decent job in my early 20s but refused that and then later for my husband, may be up to no good now? Chances they could care less. They have written me off but there is the chance they are up to no good still. I am a scapegoat they want to see suffer and fail. They don't want me to get ahead. After I thought of the dozens of opportunities, several destroyed right in front of my face, that's not paranoia, that's FACTS. The hoovering ended finally but I don't put anything past sociopaths.

One thing that happened to me and one reason Mrs. Curses and catfish got some inroads is I was taught to ignore my intuition.  Before I figured out I was being betrayed and screwed for sure from both of them, I had thoughts inside my head where I pooh-poohed them and thought, "Don't be so paranoid, Peep". 

There was more then a few times with Mrs. Curses and catfish before I dumped them even early on where I thought bad things about them.  I felt "evil" and didn't pay attention and thought inside I was being "unfair" and "too paranoid".

 Online and on the phone is more complicated. I'm usually so busy trying to "hear" because of my deafness and interpret what people are saying, emotional stuff gets lost. Sociopaths are easier to "see" then "hear" I guess. I thought Mrs. Curses was not who she seemed to be but then I would think "Oh she has been abused, she is really your friend, just be kind and lead her away from the crazy legalisms she has gotten into" and with catfish, she would say these backstabby passive aggressive things where I made excuses, in my head,  and thought I was "being paranoid". I would think "Oh she is bedbound, she is so bad off, you must give her a little room for anger and emotional upsetness". Both ways of thought absolutely screwed me. I should have listen to the thoughts I dismissed as "paranoid".

You know there are a lot of liars out there. Online there's false identities galore too. I can tell when someone is manufacturing an identity online. There's lots of people who even provide their own audience for their own blogs. One I am thinking of was a giant narc-defender. Don't ask me why some are crazy enough to do that. They think they will provide their own traffic and then increase it I guess.  Every blogger is familiar too with people who create false personas. Some are so over the top you know they can't be real. Is that paranoia or just the fact of negative things about human nature?

I wonder about people who get angry and call people "paranoid" for wondering what others are up to. I have noticed to suspect any bad deeds instead of being a willing dupe to every narcissist seems to bring up ire in some people. I figure some are sheltered types who don't like their bubbles popped, while others are up to no good, and don't like it when a nosy person is in their midst. They are the types who get mad whenever someone questions politicians or the system too.


  1. Yeah I am in the midst of a paranoid delusion myself. I hallucinated that my mother whacked a guy in the 60's and then got away with it. I must be crazy cuz that stuff never happens. Right? RIGHT?

    1. LOL that about says it all. I bet you have had some try to tell you that you made it all up, even with newspaper articles in tow. Just saying anything bad happens now is enough to get cries of "negative" or "paranoid" from the unicorn and rainbows set.

  2. Only my mother. but she crossed her heart and hoped to die. Why she didn't die sooner is what inquiring minds want to know.

    1. Yeah they all seem to live a long time, long enough to screw a lot of people up and create havoc.

  3. I have been going through the same and get suspicious when people act differently than they did at first. Sometime I think they talked behind my back with some bullies or narcs who did not want me to be happy. My adopted narc mother called me "paranoid" too and laughed at me when she noticed that other people believed her. I stopped talking to her alone. >:(

    1. Yeah that happens to me when people all of a sudden change, then you now you are the target of a smear campaign or people are unhappy with you.

      I have learned if I feel a certain way I am usually right. Some of my worse suspicions were proven right. Like a few things I merely suspected about my family like Aunt Scapegoat being under guardianship and then finding out for sure she had been.

      With people, socially I am having social failures, and it is the Aspie fatigue, and hearing loss combined. My hearing loss is worsening. I had my hearing aid checked and cleaned just last month so it is me not it. My husband thinks I was too far away from the people talking to me but I am not keeping up with people very well or responding to them well because I can't keep up or I am guessing half of what they are saying. I know narcs and bullies caused me trouble too. I present too vulnerable of a picture in society too....with the walker, not being able to hear, stumbling around. Is it paranoid to be realistic about this stuff?

      I was called paranoid at home too by my narc mother, that sucks doesn't it, I feel for you. Mine called me paranoid to gaslight the hell out of me. I am surprised I did not become a schizophrenic as reality was altered constantly. Aspies notice details and are analytical as hell. I think she'd poop a brick to know what I did figure out even if it took me time.

  4. Peep,

    I know what you are talking about here. I coined this phenomenon in my life "the virus."

    The virus is when you first meet people, and they act normal, are cordial, nice and welcoming. Then time lapses and when you see them again, they've change. There is a knowing look that they give you, which is kind of the way a dog or cat may look at you a little sideways, if you know what I mean. It's like they are trying to come to terms with their first impression of you with the narc's smear behind your back.

    I've had this happen to me since about high school on up till I moved to a big city and gone no contact. With Facebook, you never know. Even now, it's an ever present risk. Facebook has made the world a whole lot smaller. That's one of the reasons I don't have Facebook, because of my sick narc family. Interesting enough, I read that Mar Zuckenberg is a narcissist and first created Facebook as a way rate a woman's beauty on Harvard's campus.

    This sounds so sad to say about one's own parent but to be honest I will not breathe a sigh of relief until my narc mother dies and when the first generation of my family (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins - a.k.a., enablers and flying monkeys) are either dead or on the elderly side. Unfortunately, this means I will be getting near elderly as well. I'm hoping the second generation onwards don't care to carry on the smear campaigns. The younger generations (my nieces, nephews, second cousins) are already lost to the smear campaign.

    My narc mother and GC sister took away what was most dear to me in the world, and that was my family. They know I could care less about money, I do think my sister will get my mother's house (with income apartment) and any other monies. This is my sister's retirement since she spent everything she made from her once puffed-up salary to equity when she sold her homes. My mom is paying her off from hiding all her secrets.

    Knowing my sister, though, she will start spilling some secrets after my mom dies. As my brother once told me, "Does a serial killer trust another serial killer." This was in regards to my mother and sister's "relationship."

    The topic of "the virus" should be addressed in the ACON community. I thought this was only germane to my situation. I find it interesting that you and other's who commented here went though the same thing.

    1. Yes the virus has happened to me. People are nice and then they suddenly change. Not one person who has ever known or talked to my mother outside of one college friend and my husband, has ever stayed on my side, but has chosen HERS. She knows how to lie and crush and smear someone to no end.

      I have seen the change. I even realized how one false project ex="friend" was smearing me all over the place. I believe it is still going on to in my local community. She definitely has smeared one lady, for YEARS, and what was her crime? Having her husband die and then feeling grief over it. Yeah you can tell there are narc smears in their head. I have fully realized the endless damage of my mother's endless smears over decades among the family and how every relationship was destroyed. They always looked at me askance just like you describe.

      Yes on Facebook be careful. I ghosted most of the family on Facebook and blocked/unfriended narcs, but even with ones I ghosted, I blocked all new information from them. I had one or two exchanges with the distant cousins, one cousin can tell me when the Queen or others dies. Facebook can be dangerous when you have narcs. I know if I do ever move, I will have to close down my account. My narcs know where I live now.


    2. I think many ACONS will be relieved once their abusers are dead. So I understand. The first generation of my family is dying off. I am old enough. My mother is among the last of her generation with two brothers left and Aunt Confused on my father's side. Sadly many cousins were given a bunch of lies too and my nieces and nephews turned against me. I am hoping too my second generation doesn't carry on the smear campaigns. Some may attempt reconciliations upon the death of the head narcs. There is no hope with my siblings or my sister's children, they were fully turned against me and my sister is full blown malignant narc like my mother and brother definitely has narc traits. I have minimal contact with two cousins and their families, extreme VLC, the cousin who sent videos but must trod carefully there as you have seen, and the smears have taken affect where I have been seen as "paranoid".

      I'm getting old too so understand the time factors. I have asked God why he let her live so long to destroy my life and relationships with nieces and nephews but probably chances are my GC N sister would have continued the disrespect and abuse.

      Yes you had your family taken away, same as me. It is painful stuff. In the videos I noticed at a very young age, I was ALREADY being SHUT OUT. It was kind of scary. My narc parents destroyed my life too with their constant moving and not allowing me to have any close family and other relationships, we were always the kids popping up for a week or two once a year from 500 miles away while the other relatives got to know each other and form personal memories with each other. It went even beyond that. I noticed in all the videos, I was always on the side, sometimes my two loving aunts would give me a little attention, but I was very ignored, and it was almost like I was not there. My narc mother was already indoctrinating people to tell them I did not matter and she continued this to the day, I left, telling my brother, "Don't visit her, you are too busy, and we have things to do" and telling my sister when she came to our state for a week as I remember seeing an old email, that she didn't have time to stop by and see me either. There was a progressive destruction of relationships from very early on as I was shut out more and more.

      You are probably right your sister will get everything. Mine goes to London and lives under 6 figures now but I was told would inherit everything with my brother cut out. She already bragged to me that she was the will's executor and refused to show me a copy of the will which told me the two relatives warning me I was cut out were right. {I don't think much of them as they didn't stand up for me either}

      My sister didn't think much of my mother either. Two serial killers don't trust each other just like two thieves. In some of my last conversations, my sister told me she thought my mother was going senile or deaf. She dogged her out all the time and here Mommy Dearest thought Little Mini-Me was perfect. She may reap her just rewards when she expects a mutual sociopath to look out for her in her dotterage, and to care about finding non-abusive nursing homes and other elder care.

      Yeah we have gone through the virus too. One thing when it strikes there is no convincing the people either who have had their brains eaten by the lies of others. I wasted a lot of time trying to explain myself.

  5. Hi Peep, waking up to narc realities in & outside the family is like being in a zombie horror film. I have cleared them all out and have arrived at "ground zero", choosing very careful who I let in my life It is treacherous out there and I'm concentrating on discernment and screening people. When narcs show me who they are, I block all lines of communication, flying monkeys and all social media. It's not being paronoid because alot of them are really up to no good. I don't have Facebook and would like to get off Linkedin. However, if one does not have LI in the job world...then you are a nobody. So my privacy settings are high & my block list long since the corporate world is where the narcs claw their way to the top. As for family,my narc parents are too self-absorbed to go into sabotage mode, However, my cousin told me what you are describing happened to her. My aunt worked for state govt. & cousin applied for a job in another dept. Her own parents slandered her saying she was a drinker & party-er and the news came back to her. These are the folks I went No Contact with after one visit & a couple of calls & emails. They are dangerous...I reached out to cousin further and asked to talk more family business with her...never heard back. She is still in contact with their dark web. I'm taking care of myself walking away from her too. I'm glad the Lord gave 2Tim3 as a warning of what would come in the last days. The zombie evil narcs seem to be coming out of the woodwork!

    1. I agree it is like being in a zombie horror film. I feel like I had to go to bat with endless sociopaths some who were ripped off masks and revealing fanged teeth while pretending to be friends. It is scary. When I came out of the fog and saw all her lies and found out others using the internet. It was scary. I am more careful now and trust very few people. I agree it is not being paranoid but many of them are not up to any good. The cousin has been brainwashed to think I am a paranoid scaredy-cat as they gaslight him and others to the max. I am glad no one is trying to sabotage you. I know I was sabotaged in the past but it probably is discard and devalue time by now. I haven't had recent attempts to "hoover". That is sad for your cousin, well hopefully one day she will get away from her evil relatives. She will never be allowed to have a good job most likely, they will slander to the max. Yes get away from her too. We can't trust anyone who sees our narcissists and abusers as "reasonable" people. I do believe we are in the time of the last days where love has waxed cold and full evil is on display. They are coming out of the woodwork.

  6. Hi Peep, I can really relate to having to go through
    endless sociopaths; this is my present state, family, x-boss, aquaintences & the country where I'm temporarily residing, it feels like 1 in 3 is narc/sociopath. This is my wake-up call & it is painful...I'm pressed on every side and going no contact with all. I'm starting the process to change and protect myself. I'm an extrovert who wants to be a recluse for awhile Somehow, I thought I was in the 70s and can be open & friendly like when I was growing up. This does NOT work in today's world full of predators. I'm going to be cordial, reserve, not share personal info and just listen & evaluate. Also you mentioned in your post, ignoring the gut-instinct of "something is off" & not paying attention to evil. I have closed the door on several dark situations that came knocking but have let a few slip through. This has cost me big time! But this is how we learn. I realize this God given gut instinct has to be present in every single area. No more sleep walking... alertness and screening of everyone. Glad to hear you got the video from your cousin and are taking precaution. My cousin joined her abusive father(Uncle Pervert) in business and also married a very controlling/"jealous of everyone" 3rd husband. I could tell that something was very off when I was visiting her & before he came home she got up quick, scurring around, looking nervous. When I said to both of them "we will have to get together again before I fly out" He said, " yeah, we're busy in a couple of weeks" He might be the reason I have not heard back; she shares an email with him. Yes, sad & a humble reminder to continue to work on my recovery because I don't want to end up like this. The narc damage runs deep in my entire family."Full evil on display"...profound & the truth!

    1. Yes its too bad you had to go through endless sociopaths too, Kittiestravel. They seem so commmon now. People are frightening today. I even think of my life 10 years ago and it seemed people were a lot nicer, well not the family but people in general.
      I feel like it is 1 in 3 too, or quite a lot of people. Sometimes I have thought not everyone can be a narcissist, but who knows, you know when you even think of their numbers of boot=lickers and enablers, the numbers are even worse.
      I went no contact with so many people, over 30-40. I cut off endless "friends", and even in regular life, if someone is toxic, I'm closing them out faster. Yes the process to change is not an easy one. Have you worried like me you may becoming more of a recluse? I and my husband are living like hermits. I do the friendly-acquaintance thing at times, friendly to people in my art class for instant and in the community but I haven't looked for friends or tried to get close to anyone as much as I used to. Since being betrayed and burned so many times--religious and spiritual abuser, catfish etc, I know I have to be careful. So if you are an extrovert headed to recluse land I understand, I'm there with you though I started from Aspie introversion. I and my husband have conversations where I say our life is too isolated and it's not healthy but after this much disappointment outside of a few long time long distant and other long distant friendships, what else can people do? I wanted to be open and friendly too like I remember the 70s being and being able to talk to people.

      My old small town was far friendlier then this one. We discussed moving endlessly but the money was never there. Even then I think things may have changed there too. :(
      Today being friendly and open is a way sadly to get your teeth knocked in. Some of the worse have preyed on my natural tendencies to bond with people over shared experiences and troubles like the catfish. The fact she knew about this blog and has stayed so silent, has pointed to her guilt. I don't care if she reads here. Funny she told me others called her a sociopath, and well they were RIGHT!

      Yes all you can do is be cordial, reserve and not share persona information. I have grown more quiet. I just don't feel like talking to anyone outside the internet. This makes me sad because even being Aspie, I used to enjoy talking to people but with everything being weighed and measured and JUDGED, how can you talk to people anymore, where does it go? Now they just seem on the outlook for vulnerabilities where they can stab you. One friend used to tell me I was asleep, and now I know what she meant. I am awake now and realize more of what is going on and how things really work. Before I was "asleep" and rather clueless. More busy blaming myself at the hands of my gaslighting narcs. I know not one is to be trusted. No more sleep walking through life. I am glad you escaped some dark situations. I am going to listen to my intution no matter how "paranoid" someone tells me I am or being like that cousin. He's drunk his evil aunt's Kool-Aid.


    2. Sorry to hear what happened to your cousin. :( Yeah control freak husbands and wives. My mother's husband even shares an email with her. I hate when people do that. It shows control freak stuff. We unfriended someone locally who was under the constant sway and control of a narc, who wouldn't even come help my husband when he got a flat tire, because Mrs. Mommy Narc may protest him leaving the house. They always make excuses and more. Yes remember the narcs enslave many. I see those who are asleep and under their power now within the family. The one cousin does have a good job but I wonder if he realizes he is nothing to them because he is unmarried and has no children. He is in "trying to be close" mode since he lived far away some years. Outside his brothers, he may be disappointed at what he finds. I don't want to end up their slave or standing quiet or in defense of evil. Some to me scarily like the cousin have told me, yes your mother is sick, and not right, but they don't realize the depth of evil. They still put her higher on the priority list.

  7. LOL, ha ha, Mrs. Mommy Narc, yep this variety think they control the world. I feel very sorry for the poor souls who submit to them. I hope your cousin wakes up and gets away from family evil asap.

    Hunkering down, self-imposed recluse:) to learn new boundary skills & tools(yeah, YouTube). Self-protection is the name of the game! Peep, my recent "narc rock bottom" is being in a foreign country working for a lazy covert narc, being treated horribly, then layed-off when mini-aggressive narc came along to claw and take over the organization. In addition, I was denied severance pay stated in my contract (Narcs don't think they need to follow rules or contracts) I decided to take a stand & found a non-profit legal group to represent me in that country. I try to choose my battles carefully. In this case, I need the money and narco co. will no longer walk on my back! The battle belongs to the Lord, thankfully. Today's workplace is choke full of narcs. It is my goal to sharpen my "narcdar"so I never sign up for another hideous situation like this again! Also, you mentioned religious narcs, oh go to coffee with them, and suddenly you realize that you are their new project, being the newcomer in town & they think they are discipiling you! Run, dangerous stuff... they are all alike. Kittiestravel:)

    1. I hope my cousin gets away from them too. Well I told him what they are...

      Yeah me and husband feel like we have been in "hide-out" mode for some time here. Self-protection. please leave us alone. After the ex-project friend, fake Aspie and other run-ins like the catfish, I don't feel like trusting too many people and then add on the family business. Sorry you faced narcs at work. I hope you win your legal battle. It seems to me the narcs are getting in charge all over, and doing havoc. The workworld is a miserable place. I think of what was done to my husband and steam can come out of my ears.

      I pray you can win too. Yes be careful of new situations like that too. The religious narcs scare me, they can fool you, all smiles in my case, care and concern for my "health" but that just makes for sharper knives. Well Mrs. Curses took that and ran with it. The humble bragging bible study, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I knew I didn't belong. I agree they are all alike too! Maybe being a recluse and only talking to people online and older long distance friends isn't such a bad deal. :P Husband says he doesn't miss back stabbing work places.

  8. Hi Peep, I'm reminded that the wheat & the tares have been growing sid by side... and the evil is seriously intensifying now. Glad to hear your husband is out of the office back stabbing environment. I won't accept another position in my field unless it is remote/home office based. No more sitting in an office with a bunch of competitive narcs. Home office offers a pad of protection, which helps...I've also had thoughts of becoming a truck driver!:)

    1. I agree with you about that. I hope you can get an office or remote home based environment. LOL at least truck drivers will be left alone! :P